I used to have a muckety-muck job where I was responsible for several different departments. I was a model of efficiency–I could juggle the facts for multiple projects in my head. I was very good at making sure a lot of things got done in a very short time period. When I left that life as a public administrator to write full time, I thought it would be a piece of cake. How hard could it possibly be to do one project at a time?

OH.MY.GOD. I don’t know what happened to my organizational skills, but I enter every holiday season in complete dishevelment, totally unprepared for the many tasks that lie ahead. I have no time! I mean seriously that I cannot squeeze enough hours out of the day! And this year, just to exacerbate things, I managed to wind up with a book deadline of oh…FRIDAY.   So NOTHING has been done. No shopping, no decorating–I even snapped at my mother when she asked me what dish I was bringing Christmas day. I said something like, “HOW CAN I POSSIBLY KNOW THIS FAR OUT, MOTHER?!?!” Yeah, I am just a little stressed–fortunately, my mom learned to take me in stride a long time ago.

So with all that hanging over my head, today I got a few hours of me time, and what did I do? Did I get the decorations down? Lord, no! Did I work on my book? A teeny tiny bit. Do any shopping? HAHAHAHA. Oh no, I screwed around on photoshop making fun holiday pictures of me, like I am not already totally into myself as it is.

I don’t know what has happened to me! It was like I finally had the time I had been looking for and I couldn’t face the responsibility of it! I totally blew it, and now I am even farther behind the eight ball. This is really so unlike me — I usually exhibit a degree of self-discipline, or my publisher would have fired me a long time ago.

Today, I am busting it, trying to finish the book.

What about you? When it comes to the holidays, are you on top of it, or are you like me, using your time inappropriately? What scares you the most about the season: the shopping, the cooking, or the family all gathered in one place? Finally, what do you think Jack London would do to me if he discovered I had put his head on a figure skater? hahahaaa

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I did two things on Black Friday that I’ve never done before. The first was that I went to the mall. My kids needed stuff. That’s my excuse. The second thing I did that I’ve never done before is also the fault of my kids; I discovered iTunes.

This is how it happened. My daughter was sitting at the kitchen island, cruising the internet and listening to wonderful Christmas songs coming out of her computer. She had Frank Sinatra singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Bing Crosby crooning White Christmas, Dean Martin warbling Baby It’s Cold Outside. I was intrigued. I was spellbound. I was envious. I wanted my favorite holiday songs from my favorite artists, too!

That’s when my daughter introduced me to iTunes. Our computers side by side, the smell of cranberries and stuffing in the warm kitchen air, she showed me how to access iTunes and how to make purchases. Each only 99 cents!

Each only 99 cents.

You can see the problem. In an initial buying frenzy where I actually bought the same song by the same artist twice (different recordings), my daughter advised me to slow down, take a breath, and step away from the computer. But with just a click of the mouse, I could have Eartha Kitt singing Santa Baby. That’s my favorite holiday song!

No, wait, Judy Garland singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas is my favorite song. Hey, I’ve always wanted a copy of Judy singing You Made Me Love You. And while I’m on love songs, I’m going to click back to Frank Sinatra and pick up Come Fly With Me. And what was that song I heard on the radio that was so great?

I’m not even going to tell you how much money I spent at the iTunes dollar store, but I’ll say this: I have three different versions of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.

Am I the only one who has an iTunes addiction? Is there anyone else out there who buys in multiples? Who thinks that nothing bought for a dollar can be a bad purchase? Who thinks that owning multiple versions of the same song is completely logical?

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My oldest daughter and I just returned from a 10-day trek through PA, CT, and NY where we visited colleges to which she might apply.  Because this was a 10-day trek and because I am anal-retentive about details, I developed an ITINERARY.  It was 5 beautiful spreadsheet pages of gorgeous details.  My daughter joked that I included time for snacks and watching HEROES on Monday night, but forgot to give her bathroom breaks.  Everybody’s a critic.  I was very proud of my intinerary.

The best laid plans … However, from Day 1 my plans were thwarted, first by my daughter’s back going out on her (poor thing!) coupled with a virus that hit her on the plane, which I promptly caught on Day 2.  Ew.  (I’ll say no more and let your imagination do the rest.)  So the itinerary was now compromised with half of the stuff in the first two days undone.

But we shuffled through, doing the important stuff and on Day 3 dragged ourselves to the train from Philly to NYC, planning to spend the weekend in relative relaxation, taking in a few Broadway shows, over which I’d agonized before buying the tickets well in advance.  Then ZAP!!  We hear the news - Broadway is on strike!  This is devastating for our intinerary.  My daughter was so disappointed!  No Little Mermaid!  No Avenue Q!  No Wicked!

On to Plan B … But we rallied, changing the itinerary, substituting other fun things in NYC.  Of course it was NYC, so there were lots of fun things to do!  We visited with friends and saw every Egyptian mummy at the Met and we walked.  And walked.  And walked some more.  But it was good.  I may have even lost a few pounds! We went on to see all the rest of the universities on our list and my daughter knows what’s out there for her.

So our trip was a success.  All the big stuff got accomplished and we ended up doing fun stuff we hadn’t planned.  So have I given up on itineraries?  Heck no!  But long ago I learned to roll with the punches and that Plan B can sometimes be even better.

So when have you punted to Plan B on trips or just everyday plans?  Did you have to punt to Plan B yesterday when the turkey got eaten by the Bumpass Dogs (from A Christmas Story)? Let’s have the details!

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I am supposed to make something for Thanksgiving day. I asked my sister what that should be, and she said, “think of something.” I asked if the usual dishes were going to be there: Mother’s fruit salad with little marshmallows that no one every touches, the crudite tray that no one ever touches, the canned cranberry that no one ever touches. She said yes. She said, “think of something GOOD.” I think she felt the need to say that because I have been known to attempt to make something new and different. Once, I used tofu. There was a vote, and I was voted into bringing bread units for life (including this year).

An aside: Where does tofu come from, anyway, and who thought it was edible? I made tofu enchiladas just the other night (weight watchers, remember?) and my husband said, “please never do that again.” I pretended to be indignant, but I was secretly relieved. I am working at it, but I think tofu enchiladas are above and beyond the call to skinny.

ANYWAY. So my sister told me to bring something GOOD and she said it with bit of a tone, so now I feel like she’s thrown down the gauntlet. So I thought today you could all fill out your Top Five Turkey Day Must Haves, and maybe I’ll get some inspiration. Maybe we can all be inspired. And if you don’t feel like writing down five things — tell us the most unusual dish you have ever had at Thanksgiving!

Here’s mine:

Turkey (haha! But sometimes we have ham)

Sour cream mashed potatoes (probably not for me this year)

Scalloped potatoes (because what is Turkey day without loads of starch?)

Green Bean Casserole (duh)

Pumpkin Pie (double duh)

Dallas Cowboys

What’s your top five must haves? And what’s the most unusual dish you’ve ever had at Thanksgiving?

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Usually when I bring up dreaded middles, I am talking about writing the middle of a book. I don’t know how it is for the other goddesses, but the first part of my book usually flies. It is the middle where I bog down and wonder what the hell was I thinking.  Why did I ever think this would work?  What am I supposed to do with the characters and plot now?  Working through that dreaded middle takes a lot of muddling through and a lot of stress eating. But I find that if I just keep on writing, I will eventually make it to the end, and then I can go back and trim it, tighten it up, tone it into an appealing middle you’ll want to read.

And then there is the other dreaded middle. Oh yeah, I’m talking about the one that is bulging over the button of my jeans and slowly encroaching on my breasts. I freely admit it—I am growing a tire. It’s come on slowly, a little bit each year. But in the last few months, it sort of exploded with the stress of trying to produce a whole bunch of books in a very short time frame and keep a family life intact. 

The only problem is, I can’t trim it down and tone it in a couple of weeks like I can a book. My dreaded middle—given my age and sort of lazy lifestyle—is a whole lot harder to change. 

So I have joined Weight Watchers.

I am telling you this because I need to. I figure if I announce I am going to lose twenty pounds to all of you, then I have to do it.  If I say it out loud, I will feel compelled to give updates, or live in horror that the next time you see me, nothing has changed. I hope it will motivate me to stick to it, because I have noticed the older I get, the less inclined I am to suffer. Trust me, I am suffering as I write this blog. I am freaking starving. But hey, I have walked out on that plank, so now I have to jump.

Wish me luck, goddesses! I am on a mission to lose 20 pounds and get my old self back! You can all do me a favor by telling me a) a great stress-relieving snack and b) what to do with a husband who likes his meat and potatoes (minds out of the gutter, please).

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Halloween is but a few days away.  I was clicking around Yahoo and saw that ”Saw 4″ was the biggest boxoffice draw this weekend.  (For the record, ew.)  But then I saw an article on the 13 creepiest places on earth.  A few of them were indeed creepy, the creepiest being Mary King’s Close in Edinburgh.  I’ve been to Edinburgh and have been down in some of the underground tunnels on “Ghost Walks,” but Mary King’s Close opened in 2003, after my last UK trip, so I’ve never been here.  

This was an area where families abandoned victims of the plague in the 17th century.  “Abandoned” is actually a santized description.  They shoved them down there and left them to die, then sealed it.  I stopped to think about this - the horror of being the abandoned, knowing certain death awaited.  And the torment of being the families above ground, having to go on living with what you’d done.  That is creepy, people.  Still shivering!

I’ve travelled a lot and seen many cool things, including some pretty creepy places - here are a couple for your ghoulish pleasure:

1) Hallstadt, Austria - The Charnel House:  Hallstadt is this gorgeous town on a mountain lake in the Alps.  Apparently they didn’t have a lot of burial ground, so people could only occupy their grave for 12 years.  After 12 years, they were dug up and their skulls decorated with their names, the date of their death, and some pretty vines or something and stuck in this little house.  Surreal, for sure.  And totally DH’s idea to go.  I peeked through my fingers the whole time.

2) Ottobeuren Abbey, Germany: Now, this is one heck of a gorgeous building.  Built in the Rococo style, its interior must be seen to be appreciated.  However, inside, up at the front of the church, are several glass cases - with reclining dead popes inside.  I am not kidding.  I’m not sure whose idea it was to put them there, but they’re there, in all their skeletal glory, lying lounging on their side, propped up on their elbow, bones wired together, still dressed in their papal finery and grinning evilly.  Ew.  DH thought this was the coolest thing he’d ever seen.  Ew.  Can you imagine worshipping there every week?  It’s still a working church, so people must.  Still… Ew.  Creepy.

3) Rothenburg, Germany - The Medieval Crime Museum:  This has all kinds of medieval punishment (and torture) devices.  Everything from masks for nagging women to a chair of nails and an Iron Maiden.  If you’ve read DIE FOR ME, now you know where “Simon” got his inspiration.  Bwahahahaha.  And no, I’m not a cruel and mean person.  I didn’t even want to go to this museum, it was all all DH’s idea.  But once in there, the images lingered for many years, waiting for the evil Simon (DIE FOR ME’s villain) to come along and voila! (Shameless plug.  So sue me.)

 And not to put all the creepiness in Europe…

4) My Orlando hotel room last weekend.  After standing in line for 30+ minutes to check in, DH, and the kids and I wanted to get to Disney to attend Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween party.  But we were locked in the room!!  Ack!  Even DH with all his manly muscles could not open the door.  I kept my cool, kind of, and called the front desk.  “We’re trapped!”  They had to let us out from the outside and replace the doorknob.  Totally creepy, people.

5) Honorable mention goes to my 17-year-old’s bedroom.  Ew.

So what’s the creepiest place you’ve ever been?  Tell all, in the spirit of Halloween! Bwahahahahahaha!

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As a fiction writer, I’ve killed my share of villains. Granted, my villains aren’t as deliciously dastardly as Karen Rose’s, but they definitely deserved their comeuppance and I took pleasure in doing them in when their time came.

There are also villains in real life that I would love to see get their just desserts. In fact, I just read about a best-selling mystery writer who started her mystery career because she wanted to do in her ex-husband, and writing novels was the best way to kill him off over and over again without having to go to jail for it.

I’ve fantasized a few times about doing in certain real people. Top on my list is a dentist I went to several years ago on the recommendation of a neighbor. He screwed up my mouth so badly that I literally started grinding my teeth in my sleep in an unconscious effort to make my bite fit. That man caused me countless hours of misery, not to mention all the wasted time and the many thousands of dollars I spent to have my bite problems corrected.

Since then I’ve enjoyed dreaming up creative ways to off him – or at least torment him a little and make him suffer. Some of the fantasies in my darkest heart:

– Take out a contract out on him employing the assassins in TV shows Burn Notice and Alias.

– Tie him to his dentist patient chair and flood the room with laughing gas till he expires from laughing himself silly.

– Have a tribe of evil elves set up shop in his mouth and go to work with hammers and chisels,

– Drown him in a vat of boiling Listerine.

– Pay a wicked scientist – what was the name of that Dustin Hoffman movie? – to drill his molars out without anesthesia.

– Turn loose two dozen screaming kids with drills and give a prize to the kid who inflicts the most holes in his body.

– Make a voodoo doll of him and stick big swords in certain vulnerable parts of his anatomy.

Fortunately I’m a writer, so I can claim creative license. We’re talking fantasy here, and I would never actually act on my murderous impulses. But it sure would be satisfying to cause that villain even a fraction of the suffering he caused me.

Let me also say that I don’t have it in for all dentists. My new one is highly skilled at his trade. So was my dear late dentist father in law – and no, I didn’t have anything to do with the “late” part.

Is there someone you would love to see get their just rewards – payback for the pain and frustration they caused you? Do you ever fantasize about delicious ways to do in the villains in your life? Or is that just the realm of fiction writers?

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My cable went down last week!  Noooooooo!  We tried to fix it to no avail and called the cable company. 

Me (wailing):  My cable’s gone out!
Cable guy (patronizing):  Did you unplug and replug it in?
Me (frowning because I am not a dufus):  Yes.  I called you guys a month ago and you said it was my antiquated modem from the compuserve days (okay, small exaggeration - the modem’s age, not the one month-ago reporting of this VERY SAME PROBLEM).  You came out and said you fixed it.
Cable guy:  We’ll be out … next Thursday.
Me (controlled shrieking):  NEXT THURSDAY!!!!  I can’t wait until NEXT THURSDAY.  I have no INTERNET.  NO EMAIL.
Cable guy:  It’s the first available date, ma’am.  Unless you’d like to upgrade to business class, which costs $50/month extra.  Then we could come out tomorrow.

Fifty bucks a month extra, for them to come out and fix a problem I’ve reported several times before?  That’s almost extortion.  So, I rather politely (I thought) declined his offer and determined I’d use wi-fi at the coffee shops in the meantime.  Of course that would mean getting dressed and leaving my house while I’m on deadline.  (and haven’t had my roots done lately.)  Yeah.  Right.  Not.   I did go out a few times (roots cleverly covered with mascara - oh, please don’t rain!) but found my local coffee shop has no wi-fi.  Gasp.  The McD’s next door did, but it was down.  Grumble.

So, I went without.  NO email.  NO Yahoo weird news. NO GODDESS BLOGS!  Wahhhh.

I was alone.  Isolated.  Closeted away from HUMANITY.  Then, I had an idea.  A spark of genius pricked at my internet deprived mind.  I could actually call people.  Like, with a telephone.  So I did!  Real voices, LOL.  I actually wrote a paper check for the first time in forever when I normally use on-line Bill Pay.  It wasn’t so bad after all

And I thought - wow.  How quickly I became accustomed to new technology and its conveniences.   However, now my cable is restored.  I’m back to paying by bills on line and I am back to the delightful goddesses!

So are you dependent on technology?  Have you had to go cold turkey lately?  How did you cope?

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Written by Author Karen Hawkins After Losing a Wager with Said Best Romance Author in the World, Suzanne Enoch (#2)

Here I sit, sad and blue
Cause I lost a wager to You-Know-Who
So now I must grovel, in public no less
Telling one and all Ms Suzie’s the best. (#3)

I say this now, without disdain,
Our lovely Ms. Suzie’s no ordinary Jane
(refer to actual S. E. brain scan to left)
And she said that this wager cannot end
Until I’ve said she’s the best x 10. (#4)

Oh, Ms. Suzanne Enoch, the best romance author of all! (#5)
She’s brilliant, the best, (#6) most magnificent, and oh so tall!
And I have to say, though it makes me raw,
Her heroines are the belles of London’s best balls!

But my favorite part of Enoch’s perfection, (#7)
Are her heroes, who are quite a confection!
They’re handsome and dark, and very witty!
I daresay a few would even laugh at this ditty!

(Ok, that was lame, but I’m getting tired. Work with me here, people!)

Oh Suzie, you’re the best! (#8)
The very, very best in the west! (#9)
And the east, as well! (#10)
There, that’s ten. Now you can go to—

Ahem!

It’s true that I lost a bet with Suzie. Sometimes, to motivate myself, I challenge other authors to page count races. So last week, Suzie and I went for the gold and she SPANKED me. I won’t tell you how many pages she tromped me by, but it was embarrassing.

But I have to admit that it was fun racing her, taunting her via email, egging her on, pretending I’d written more pages than I had just to hear that little note of panic in her voice . . .

Tell me, are your officemates fun to tease, too? Or are they boring? Is there a lot of laughter in your office, or just . . . silence? Most important of all, what do you think of my poetry skills? Oh, and don’t forget to give Ms. Enoch a hearty congrats because her latest book, A TOUCH OF MINX, just went back to print!!! WOOHOO!!!

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My life has been a bit frazzled of late, mainly because several deadlines seem to be converging all at once – not to mention the little curve balls Life throws at you just when you least need them!

But this past week I took three hours out of my work schedule to see Becoming Jane, a movie about a young Jane Austen at the start of her writing career. (I went alone since my dh doesn’t care for historical chick flicks.) This lovely little story posits that a broken romance shaped Jane’s life significantly and turned her into the splendid novelist she became.

I have to say that putting myself in Jane Austen’s slippers for a few hours was truly good for my soul. I smiled and shed a tear or two, admired the witty banter, and sighed at the genteel mating dance between two sparring lovers. And for a time I was immersed in the details and language of the Regency period, which can only help me as a writer.

I came home re-energized and ready to dig in again. The movie rejuvenated my creative well. I suppose in part because seeing the trials and tribulations other people experience makes mine seem much less serious!

Do you get frazzled in your daily life or when you get thrown unexpected curve balls? How do you cope? Is there something that renews your spirit? Movies? Books? Family or friends? Exercise? Nature? Pets? Who would you channel to help unfrazzle you if you could?

I’ll be taking notes, so that the next time I get frazzled, I can try out your antidote!  And if you saw Becoming Jane, I’d love to know what you thought of it [be sure to mark your comment with *Spoilers* first if you plan to give away plot points].

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