Here’s the set up: my DH is sick. He’s been sick for six days and is despairing of ever feeling normal again. Of course, he gets sick about once a decade and it normally lasts about eighteen hours (snarl), so he’s a bit spoiled on the Sick Meter. Anyway, he crawls out of bed pre-dawn because he can’t sleep for the coughing and the fever and aches, and he opens the door to the laundry room to feed the cat her juicy breakfast, and with his big bare foot steps–plop–into a pile of wet cat poop. (That’s a picture of the poop perp.)

Okay, that’s funny.

I’m sorry, I know I should feel sorry for the guy, but that’s just truly funny. I laughed until I had tears running down my face. I laughed so hard that he started laughing, too. And he should have laughed, because dang, that was funny.

When have you laughed at something or someone when maybe, just maybe, it might have been a tad insensitive? Although still completely understandable. Because, I’m telling you now, I am not going to feel guilty about laughing at the cat poop oozing between his toes.

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A contest? Yes! Fun, fast, and furious!

Prizes? Signed books, goddess blogs pins, and magical tiaras! Do we know how to party or what?

Yup, YOU could win! Just follow our scavenger hunt to each goddess website, collect the answers into a nice list, and email it to the goddess contest email below! Twelve winners will be drawn from correct entries!

Best of luck and ENJOY your trip through some of the most fun websites on the net!

1. Question: Maddie Dupree, the heroine from Rachel Gibson’s Tangled Up In You, is considering decapitation as a solution to her problem. What problem does she have?

2. Question: Name the reviewer who said the following about Karen Hawkins’s, To Catch a Highlander, “…Hawkins’ utterly delightful tale.”

3. Question: In Nicole Jordan’s upcoming, To Bed a Beauty, what is her hero’s title?

4. Question: In Sabrina Jeffries’s upcoming, Let Sleeping Rogues Lie, her hero, Anthony, threatens Madeline with something. What does he threaten her with?

5. Question: Lady Phoebe Fairchild, the heroine in Julia London’s latest historical, The Dangers of Deceiving a Viscount, goes by a fictitious name. What is that name?

6. Question: What is the title for Claudia Dain’s upcoming book in The Courtesan series?

7. Question: In Suzanne Enoch’s A Touch of Minx, what does Rick tell Sam she smells like?

8. Question: For what book did Karen Rose win a RITA for Best Romantic Suspense?

What you need to know:
There are 12 prizes! 5 will get a signed book and a tiara, 7 will get a signed book and a Goddess button!

Best of luck!

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So, I’ve been playing around with my Mac, and I couldn’t help myself. This came out.

I kind of like the title, myself, but it could probably be snappier, so if you’d like to propose titles, we’ll do a contest, and I’ll give away an ARC to the person with the winning title.

What do you think? New blog feature or no?

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Barbara Walters once asked Katherine Hepburn, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”

Katherine Hepburn answered, “I suppose an oak. Wouldn’t everyone want to be thought of as an oak?”

I’ve never forgotten that question or Kate’s answer because I would not want to be an oak! I would be…well, let’s take this one step at a time.

Below are a few questions for every goddess out there. I’ve complied a tiny questionnarie for all visitors and residents of Mount Olympus. There are no right or wrong answers, but the world will know you in an extremely intimate and revealing way once you’re finished. So let’s all relax and enjoy it, shall we?

I’ll start since I’ve been dying to tell the world what kind of tree I’d be for twenty years or more now.

1) How would your mother describe you in one word?

Pistol. And did so. Often.

2) If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

I would be a sycamore (my chance, at last!) because a sycamore looks like any other tree until it matures, and then it looks spectacular. That’s symbolism I can get behind.

3) What word in the English language do you wish you’d invented?

The. Think about it.

4) What animal best describes the kind of guy you’d be interested in?

Ox. Again, think about it.

5) What do you miss about your childhood?

Mom and Dad.

6) Who is your favorite historical figure?

This is brutally tough, but today I’ll go with George Washington.

7) What is the first quote that comes to your mind?

This too shall pass.—Old Testament (My mother quoted this often in referrence to me.)

8. What in the world do you least desire?

An expensive car.

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Much as I adore Christmas, I find it overwhelming when I’m also on deadline, since as any of my friends can tell you, I’m easily distracted by shiny things and chocolate. So here’s my version of 12 days, dedicated to ADD authors everywhere (note that I would rather write this than work on my late novella, which just shows how dysfunctional I am). And if you’d like to see the wonderful pics that The Good, Bad, and the Unread blog affixed to this when the version I did for them appeared there Christmas Eve, then go for it. Thanks, Sybil, for letting me post it here, too.

An ADD Author’s Dysfunctional 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, I started writing this: a book from my inner goddess.

On the second day of Christmas, I started watching this: two TV shows, then I wrote to please my inner goddess.

On the third day of Christmas, I started drinking this: three cups of coffee while watching reruns as I tried to soothe my nagging goddess.

On the fourth day of Christmas, I started reading this: four great novellas while drinking coffee, then watched some “Cold Case,” thus ignoring my inner goddess.

On the fifth day of Christmas, I started answering this: five fan e-mails—then I read a while, drank coffee black, watched an hour of “Charmed,” and I wrote a blog to spite my goddess.

On the sixth day of Christmas, I started skimming this: six old PWs, then read e-mail, read a long novella, drank lots of coffee, watched “the Daily Show,” and I wrote around my inner goddess.

On the seventh day of Christmas, I started plotting this: seven future novels, then skimmed PWs, tossed out e-mail, read a long love scene, bought me a latte, watched “Without a Trace,” and I wrote the book without my goddess.

On the eighth day of Christmas, I started reading this: eight Goddess blogs, then plotted novels, tossed out PWs, answered e-mail, read a short novella, added rum to coffee, watched the “Messiah,” and I lied to my inner goddess.

On the ninth day of Christmas, I started eating this: nine chocolate bonbons, then swung by Goddess Blogs, plotted my novels, got a new PW, answered fan mail, skimmed a novella, swilled rum-laced Coke, watched a sappy film, and I drank with my inner goddess.

On the tenth day of Christmas, I started wrapping this: ten Christmas presents, then ate some bonbons, read blogs at GB, wished my plots were better, tossed aside PW, ignored e-mail, stumbled through a book, bought some tequila, watched the ticking clock, and then whined to my inner goddess.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, I started baking this: eleven Christmas cookies, then lost the presents, ate lots of chocolate, checked in at Goddess Blogs, gave up on plotting, cursed at PW, fired off e-mail, decided not to read, swigged margaritas, watched myself implode, and then yelled at my inner goddess.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I started screaming this: “Where’s the tequila?” then I ate the cookies, gave up on presents, stuffed myself with chocolate, grumbled at GB, swore off of novels, forgot PW, ignored e-mail, tossed the book aside, drank whisky neat, cursed at Dr. Phil, then I killed off my inner goddess.

So am I the only one who finds that Christmas, wonderful as it is, wreaks havoc on her life? How do you deal with it? Eating? Drinking? Procrastinating on work? All of the above?

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Anyone with children knows that the Santa visit is obligatory, at least until the children find out (shh, don’t tell) that Santa, the version showing up at malls anyway, is a figment of Thomas Nast’s imagination. Unfortunately children can be a mite skittish around strangers. Only think what horrors they imagine when they look into the white hairy face of a guy dressed in red velvet and fluffy white things, a fashion only seen on Santa suits and Playboy bunnies.

Which leads us to the subject of today’s blog and forum contest: funny pictures of children with Santa. I submit three for your perusal: 1) my son with Santa, taken at school 2) a friend’s one-year-old at his first visit with Santa 3) a contribution by Goddess Reader Michele (thank you, Michele!). I have added captions.

“Please don’t kill me, Santa! I promise never to diss your cheesy painted tree again!”

“Sheesh, what do I look like, an offering to Zeus?”

“Stuffed bellies make the BEST pillows!”

Here’s the contest part: You can either share your funny, poignant Santa pics or you can supply different captions for the pics above. It only counts if you post them on the forum, but feel free to post them here, too, for our amusement. The winner will be drawn at random by Kim, our handmaiden, but I am also going to pick a fave, who will receive an autographed copy of Beware a Scot’s Revenge!

And while you’re at it, do share any amusing tales of your own children’s visits to Santa. That’s not part of the contest, but hey, we could use some laughs this manic Christmas Eve!

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Yesterday, my friend Beth and I were Christmas shopping. We were in one of our favorite stores when we ran into a display of the sexiest red shoes ever put on this earth. We instantly decided we both had to have a pair for Christmas.

Telling our DHs would take all of the surprise out of the gift. Mentioning it ‘casually’ meant we might not get them. So, in desperation, we resorted to the time honored practice of Menage a Giftation.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it’s where she called my DH and mentioned how she’d seen me drooling over these cute shoes and thought he should know while I emailed her DH and mentioned how I’d seen her hugging one and sighing, “Ohhhh! It’s perfect for my new dress!”

Now you know — Menage A Giftation.

Don’t pretend you’ve never done it; I know you have. Here on Mt. Oly we’re all friends so we can talk about these things honestly and openly.

But, for the virgin gifters out there, here are some other time honored giftual practices:

Gift Impotency: Where you don’t know what in the heck to get someone and no amount of ‘ideas’ seems to help.

Seductagift: When you get seduced by the idea of getting a certain gift and nothing else will satisfy you.

Viagift: After failing to get someone a gift, you get them one the day after Christmas and saying you forgot to put it under the tree.

Dominate-giftrix: Your weaselly co-worker who is always trying to give the boss a better gift than you did.

Secret Santarrea: When you end up with the tacky, sequinzed hula doll in the office gift exchange.

Mastergiftation: Where you buy your own gift, wrap it and lay it under the tree because you know no one could do it better.

Mission Gifter: Only gives to charity organizations and brags about it, making you feel badly for wanting a pearl necklace.

Kama Giftra: A person who knows and uses all of the gift positions, at the right time, and in the right way, without blushing.

Have you ever been in any of these gift positions lately? Which is your favorite? Are there any I missed?

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So a friend called me the other day wanting to know if I was all right. She’d just had a bad dream where I sustained a mortal injury while breaking up a fight between two neighborhood boys. The incident was real – I actually did break up a dangerous fight several months ago, which admittedly scared the devil out of me at the time! But thankfully my demise was just a figment of her nightmare.

But then the very next day I read an article that said some scientists believe dreams can actually foretell the future. So now do I have to worry whether my friend’s nightmare about me is gonna come true????

I’ve had bad dreams like that before, haven’t you? Where you or someone close to you meets an untimely end?

My own dreams tend to fall into three categories…. Good, Bad, and just plain Weird. I have a lot of weird ones that don’t make a lick of sense. I would just as soon not have those bad or weird kinds, but I don’t seem to have any control over what I dream.

I have another good friend, however, who really does try to control what she dreams. She’s big into analyzing and interpreting her dreams. She makes herself wake up several times each night and then jots down on paper everything she remembers. And then she spends countless hours trying to figure out what they all meant.

We all dream for several periods of REM sleep during the night, even though we often don’t remember most of them. Supposedly dreams are our subconscious at work, our way of making sense of our world. They make us better able to cope with problems. My dh believes that if he goes to sleep thinking about a work problem, he’ll wake up smarter. And a lot of the time he’s right – he’s actually solved his problem.

I like those kinds of good, helpful dreams. But what I want to know is, how do the Bad and Weird kind help solve anything? And do our dreams really mean anything?

Are you a big dreamer? What’s the weirdest dream you remember? Do you think your dreams are trying to tell you something?

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I love music. I love jazz, blues, rock, indie, country, western, country and western — all of it. Unfortunately, I can’t play a single instrument. Never could. I can’t even sing on key. BUT, as audience members go, I am stellar.

This is my daughter, Kym. She is in a band. She can play the guitar by ear (that’s BY ear and not WITH her ear) and can sing incredibly well. Here, check out her band, Plainclothes Tracy. They’re awesome and I can say that without a bit of bias. The band is just that good.

It seems to me that musical ability is one of those things you’re born with. You either have it, or you don’t, and no amount of lessons can teach it if it’s not there. I should know; I had years of piano lessons and I can’t play a note.

What about you? Are you a musician? Or a musician’s friend (aka Audience Member)? If you are musical, what do you play? Did you take lessons? If you could play any instrument, what would it be? And how do you like my daughter’s band?

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My dh (dear heart) and I have an on-going wager. I’m not going to tell you who is wagering what until after I’m tabulated the results, but just to settle it, would you guys mind answering this very simple quiz? Please, please, please?

It’s about what women find sexy.

If THIS was YOUR guy (which he’s not, ’cause he’s MINE):

If he was dressed in:
a) jeans and a t-shirt, snug in alllll the right places (tried and true blue!)
b) tight black pants, white billowy shirt, black boots (romantic and hot!)
c) Armani suit, black overcoat, Rolex (classy and sassy!)
or d) nothing at all (bare and all there!)

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