Decisions, Decisions
Feb 26th 2010
LoriHandelandLori Handeland & My Life As A Plebe
At my house right now we are in the process of “the big decision” ie-where youngest son will choose to go to college. I’m not exactly sure what to tell him. If he ever asked.
When oldest son chose a school, it was based on basketball recruitment, combined with the schools that had the programs he was interested in, a coach who wasn’t psycho and the fact that he wanted to remain in Wisconsin.
When I went to college, I knew I wanted to go to the University of Iowa because of their writing program. Not that I stayed long enough to get into it, but it did give me a basis for choosing. (The homesickness that blindsided me sent me back to Wisconsin after a single year.)
But all this confusion has gotten me thinking about how people make big decisions, and realizing that I’ve never really agonized over one. (I’m lucky. I know it.)
When we bought a house, we bought the house that IVs, dad’s best friend (got that?) sold us at a steal-deal. No big decision there.
No big decision when IV asked me to marry him either. I had no choice. First time I saw him, I knew.
I’ve never had two publishing houses duking it out over me. (I’d like to.) So I never had to weigh pros and cons career-wise.
I always thought that if I had to make a major decision I would list the pros and cons on my yellow pad, total them up and voila! (Does this actually work? Anyone?)
I could ask for advice from my trusted friends and family. Then total that up too.
But really . . . how DO you make a huge decision that’s going to alter your life? I need some advice. For the kid. If he ever asks.
I’ll be giving away an ARC of my May release CHAOS BITES today. I’ll draw a name at random from the posters on today’s blog.
74 Comments »
74 Responses to “Decisions, Decisions”
evlqn on 26 Feb 2010 at 3:43 am #
Big decisions have just kind of fallen where they may in my life. I wanted to join the Army for the education, I had blown my college money on stuff I would need at Clark AFB in the Philippines. Scored very high on the tests but I didn’t sign, they wouldn’t promise me the school I wanted.
Married starter DH because I was too loaded to think it was a bad idea, it was.
Moved to California because we went there for a vacation and our car died in Albuquerque, NM and we lost our house and jobs while we were trying to get the money to get the rest of the way home. So we turned around and went back to LA.
DH#2 I was sober when I married him but maybe I shouldn’t have been, another bad idea.
Moving from LA to Carson City Nv, we planned it,thought about it, felt it was the right thing to do. Not so much, Desert Storm happened and everyone in our part of Nev. left, they were National Guard or Naval. No personnel, no work being done on cars, no money coming in (DH is a mechanic). DH goes back to LA, marriage goes south with DH.
Going back to school, decision made over morning coffee.
Planning isn’t something I do a lot of lately or much of ever.
If the kid asks, tell him, you haven’t a clue.
Gillian on 26 Feb 2010 at 4:11 am #
I’m a nightmarishly-bad decision maker (I’m a Libra), but my process is to make lists, and then more lists. And then find a counterbalance “good” reason for every “bad” reason about something I write. It can get ugly.
At the end of it all, I ask myself how reversible a decision is. And college, as tedious as all the paperwork is, is pretty reversible. So if it’s affordable and he’s interested, I’d say
1.what’s your gut instinct when you visit the campus,
2.how do the extracurricular activities stack up,
3. what kind of freshman support system does the college have? Some are WAY better than others. And some freshman need a great deal more guidance than others.
4. And cause I’m a Mom with three girls heading to college in a couple of very short years—what’s the campus safety rating?
Yikes! I’ m going to need some diet Coke and aspirin after contemplating this….
Fran on 26 Feb 2010 at 4:29 am #
Very interesting post! I always worry over every little decision, I think and think. I list all the pros and cons in my head. But in the end my gut feeling is what I base my decision on. It’s what got me the college degree that sounded very unusable but in the end got me very good job and coming back to my hometown (which is something I really wanted), going back for my MBA diploma paid by my employer and steady relationship. If I listened to rational side, I would end up in a large city (where I felt lost) with dead end job (find out that the job I declined, that looked like a great opportunity at the time I was choosing, was actually the worst choice and that my gut was telling me the right thing). So my only advice would be to listen what your heart says
Good luck!
Bronte on 26 Feb 2010 at 5:14 am #
Decisions are tough
I’ve had to make several tough career and life changing decisions. I made the decision after I graduated to move to a state where I knew no one to follow a dream job. The dream job wasn’t exactly what I thought but in no way do I regret that decision. I learnt so much. I make my decisions based on the pro’s and cons, what my gut instinct says, and then what the people I respect say.
I would also say to your son, that even the wrong decision can be the best decision of your life. You move on, you learn. You make the best decision you can with the information you have available and then you don’t beat yourself up if it turns out to be a detour.
Someone said to me once (a teacher) “Always bite off more than your can chew”. I think thats awesome advice. The best times I’ve ever had were when I did this.
Laurie G on 26 Feb 2010 at 5:49 am #
I currently have 3 sons in college. (1 grad school, 2 undergrad)
First ask him what he really wants…, does he know what he wants to be or does he have a subject he’s interested in, do they offer his major, does he want to go to a large campus like UW-Madison, a large, urban, commuter school like UW- Milwaukee, a rural, small campus like UW-Whitewater, does he want a private school: Ripon, Lawrence, Marquette, where are his friends going to school, how far away from home does he want to be???
Yes , he can transfer if he doesn’t like it but then you have to start the whole process of making friends over again, plus move and get adjusted to a new city.
I would really recommend a dorm the first year. Lots of support from the RA (room adviser),meet kids your age experiencing the same things: new class environment, decision making, making friends, eating together, adjusting to being away from: home, mom & dad and their close friends.
LindaB on 26 Feb 2010 at 5:57 am #
If your son does ask how to decide on a college, here are some things to think about.
–If he’s interested in a particular subject, find the schools with the best programs.
–No special subject? Look for schools w/broad-based curricula for a later decision.
–Is there a school he’s always been interested in?
–Big city or small rural campus? Besides cultural advantages of cities, there are usually things going on at other colleges in the city, meaning more opportunies. (I loved Boston.) Small rural schools may feel cozier, though, and a better “fit.”
–Is being close to home a factor?
–Are school sports a factor to look into?
–Is money a factor? (In-state vs out of state; scholarships.)
–If he has no preferences at all, visit several schools (with appts. to talk to someone) to give him a feel and some things to start comparing.
I’m not always a list person but I had to figure out what kind of college experience I wanted as well as an education, I wanted to go away, and I needed money. Luckily I got the best scholarship to Boston University, which had an advanced English program, and our visit there sealed the deal. (Hope these weren’t too obvious.)
cail on 26 Feb 2010 at 6:35 am #
Lori, decisions can be hard to make. I’ve gotten pretty lucky with mine, just like you. I wanted one school, with the best theater program so i applied early and got in. I moved in with one of my bffs since elementary school after college in a neighborhood that most of my college friends had moved to. No agonizing over which borough there…
My biggest decision, to move away from NY with the DH was my hardest. But in that, I basically said, you move, i move, just tell me where we are going. Once we got here, I decided to apply for a masters, got into the program I wanted and so on.
I think decisions are easy cause I tend to go with the flow.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:01 am #
Wow,ev,that’s quite a journey. I do sometimes consider
admitting I haven’t a clue if he asks because I don’t have one. But I hate
for him to learn that yet. lol.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:04 am #
All goog questions, Gillian. Thanks. I keep telling him,as I told his bro that he doesn’t
HAVE to stay there.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:08 am #
Good advice, Fran. Thanks. The heart is a good adviser.
Bronte. I like the advice about biting off more than you can chew. So
manybof us take the easy way and that isn’t always the best way
Freedom Writer on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:15 am #
A good old fashioned game of eenie meenie miney mo. I usually find that even with the big decisions my heart is leaning in one direction before I get to the decision making process and unless I find a really big reason not to follow I go with that first instinct. Plus I remember that most of these life altering decisions are not so devastating that they can’t be turned around.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:22 am #
3 in college! Kudos to you, Laurie.
He doesn’t really know what he wants to do yet. But I made sure that the
majors he is interested in were present at the schools he applied to. He’s got it narrowed to a big ten school, a stare school and a very far awAy school.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:34 am #
Lindab. He’s received a scholarship to West Va and really liked the school nut I’m not wild about him being so far away. He doesn’t seem to care. Of course I didn’t either until I got there!
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:38 am #
Cail, I’ve always been a kind of go with it person too and maybe that’s why it never seemed like the decisions were hard. Until my kids were involved.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:41 am #
Lol, Free. I’ve done Eenie meenie too. Then if you’re happy with the choce go with it. If you think “aw” change it.
KellyProellocks on 26 Feb 2010 at 7:48 am #
I’ve had to make a few interesting decisions in my life. The biggest and most important so far was whether to go back to University or not. I knew my local Uni’s reputation and it was (and still is) rated one of the best. I also had to think about whether the frustration of Data Analysis was worth all that I was already going through in my life (and it was although having the person who promised to tutor me decide that he didn’t want to any more and leave me hanging with no way to understand the subject didn’t help at all). Generally I just went with what my gut and heart was saying and ignored the voices of negativity (also known as my family) who have surprisingly accepted that I have gone back to better myself and do something that truely interests me. Although, saying that my sister is still calling me a course w***e because I’m not doing what she wants me to do. But I’m ignoring that for the most part. Just go with what your instincts are saying regarding the uni’s and if you get a bad feeling about somewhere then don’t let your son go there.
Pesky on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:00 am #
Remember, I’m a list person:
1. Write down what the life goal is
2. Figure out your approaches to reach the goal, write them ALL down, brainstorm
3. Gather information on each of these approaches
4. There might be additional approaches you find in your research, add them to the list
5. Based on the information gathered, cull out the choices of approaches you definitely don’t want to pursue
6. Step away from the list for a day or two (This is going to alter your life, it’s ok to take a little bit of time)
7. Look at the list again and do any additional weeding
8. Prioritize your list. Don’t go with money and practicality on this one. Money has a way of working itself out if you really want it. Go with your heart.
9. Step away from the list, for a day
10. Do final adjustments to the list
11. Take a deep breath, visualize yourself in each of your remaining choices.
12. Make a leap of faith
Pesky on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:01 am #
On less life altering decisions I have put littlle pieces of scrap paper on a dart board and let fate choose for me. Those decisions have worked out pretty well too.
Anne on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:19 am #
I don’t think I make major decisions with any kind of thought. When I had the opportunity to move across the country, I thought it would be fun, I also gave up fab career and lots of friends. Yeah, bad choice there. When I had another opportunity to move down south and give up career #2 and more good friends, yeah bad choice. I guess it all boils down to the fact I’m a homestate kind of girl. I even did distance learning for my college, in Vermont so it wasn’t that far, but I could stay home and go to school at the same time. My feet are firmly planted in Rhode Island, even though I don’t live there anymore.
Claudia Dain on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:26 am #
Random? You’re picking a winner at RANDOM? That’s a really stupid idea. How did you ever make that decision?
I want that book!!!!!
!!!!!
!!!!!
Claudia Dain on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:30 am #
Oh, and about making decisions, very few decisions are permanently life-altering, as in life or death, as in can’t change your mind later. You can always change schools, sell the house, move out of state, change hair color (this ranks as a huge and very important decision, in case there was any doubt). Once I take the “this is it–you have to make the right choice or the world will end as you know it!” fear factor out of the equation, I find making decisions gets easier and less stressful, and I’m happy with what I decide, no matter how it turns out later.
Michelle B on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:34 am #
You’ve got some great advice here on choosing a school! I let a scholarship choose for me, that and the fact that I loved the campus. DD#1 loved the big University feel and more options for majors and classes. DD#2 looked carefully at a handful of small colleges. She wanted to go back to the midwest and play volleyball. She was offered a scholarship and chose a small school that she liked the campus and the team dynamics. She was homesick, and it took her by surprise (me too), but she got through it.
Big decisions for me usually involve a piece of paper, line down the middle, and pros and cons. It helps me think it all out. I’m a planner by nature and need to see where a decision could take me. DH and I have done this method a number of times. Choosing which home to buy involved this process.
Madeline Hunter on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:49 am #
Since I don’t like lists, I avoid the PROs and CONS list approach. In my head I guess I do that, weighing each choice. I obsess. I worry. I avoid deciding. I talk it out with someone, using them as a sounding board. Then in the end, I go with my gut. It has worked well for me, but I am glad that I have not had many really big decisions like this. I do have a few questions I ask myself when I start getting crazy. (1) In the end, will it matter all that much which choice I make? When it comes to college, for example, the answer is probably “no”. (2) If I do A, does that mean I can’t ever do B? Again, the answer is usually no. (3) When I am 75 and looking back, will this decision seem so important? Probably no.
Usually those questions and answers help me to step back, so I can “hear” my gut instincts.
Emmiebee on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:05 am #
Oh, when I first was choosing an undergrad university, I made lists, and lists. And lists. Narrowed it down to 7 schools. Got in to all of them. Picked my very favorite. Went for a financial orientation with stars in my eyes, only to discover that there was no possible way that my family could afford the tuition. Then, discovered that my scholarships would almost pay for one of my other choices. Whohoo! Ding! Loved Drew University, made the best friends of my life, met my hubbie of 15 years. Thank you Fates! Grad school, same thing. Chose a school that gave me a full scholarship and stipend. Hooray UCLA! Then, attended Tufts Veterinary School- amazing school, but I ignored my own previous wisdom. BOO! I’m ten years into a thirty year repayment of loans that are as much as my mortgage. NO school, (or house, etc.) no matter how perfect it seems, is worth the limits that overwhelming debt will place on the rest of your life. I wish someone had sat down and worked out the nasty details with me before I skipped down that path. I love my carreer, but wish that I had chosen a smarter way to get here. So Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be student-loan-blinded-debt-boys. Or girls!
Freshechelle on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:11 am #
I’m a “trust your gut” kind of person. I make sure that my interest aren’t mercenary, think about the possible outcomes and based my decision on which of those I want to realize. Sounds pie in the sky but it’s how I roll, babe.
p.s. best college advice I ever got: You go to college to figure out what you DON’T want to do.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:12 am #
Kelly
it is hard to ignore those negative voices. I’m glad you did.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:16 am #
Pesky
I like the idea of stepping away from the list and giving it some time. I’m also
a bit enamored of the dart method.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:18 am #
I am a homestate gal too, Anne.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:20 am #
Funny, Claudia.
I need to impress on him that idea that this isn’t life or death and maybe it’ll seem easier.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:27 am #
Madeline,I like the question about when I’m 75 and looking back. That creates good perspective.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:31 am #
Whoops. I switched emmi and michelleb in my mind. Sorry gals.
That’s what happens when I blog by iPhone.
Michelleb
meant to say that oldest son picked school based on basketball and it did work out but I was worried.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:33 am #
Oooo! Great point, fresh. I definitely learned I did NOT want to teach.
CrystalGB on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:35 am #
When it comes to big decisions, my husband and I make a list of the pros and cons to see how it will affect us financially or otherwise. We also ask our parents for advice. Then we think about the decision for a while before we choose what to do.
evlqn on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:37 am #
Well then Lori don’t admit you haven’t a clue, tell him he has reached a point in his life that you think he needs to verbalize his thoughts on the matter and you are there to listen. That way your cluelessness is actually parental support. Any one else buying that load of fellgacarb???
Julia London on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:53 am #
I have followed my gut for decades now and it hasn’t steered me wrong yet. Some things looked wrong, but like Cail, they worked out in the end. its very organic.
Pesky, that list made me cry over my failure to do even the first thing: Name that life goal.
Melody on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:55 am #
I have to admit, my decision making process seems to be excessive over-thinking followed by extreme procrastination until I’m finally forced to jump one way or another, which I then do almost randomly. And, although I prefer to think that all that time spent over-thinking has prepared my gut to jump in the right direction, I’m perfectly capable of convincing myself I did when I didn’t.
There you have it, all my better qualities: thinks too much, puts things off too long, makes ill conceived choices, and deludes self. Maybe I’m not the best person to ask…
Anne on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:58 am #
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe…works everytime.
OK, I’m sort of kidding. Mostly its a discusion of how and what the advantages are. Thankfully we haven’t been hit with anything major that requires a lot of thinking and planning and organizing.
Lisa H on 26 Feb 2010 at 10:22 am #
Decisions for me are generally not too stressful. I had a big one this year. Although every rational reason prompted me to move in one direction, my heart wanted to go the other way. I was struggling more so than I have ever struggled, but then one door was closed and I no longer had the choice to make. It was not my heart’s desire, but I am at peace, believing God knew what was better for me. :0)
Kathy on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:09 am #
I follow my gut too. whatever choice that doesn’t make me want to heave with nervousness, is my pick.
Too long I used to go the other way figuring it was excited nerves. nope it was my body saying NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:19 am #
I’m getting a lot of going with the gut and I do that a lot too. Usually when you really feel it that’s a good thing.
Sabrina Jeffries on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:23 am #
I tend to go with my gut, but I also do agonize over some decisions. My change from Avon to Pocket was a huge one. I’m so glad I took the risk! But it was terrifying. I was afraid I’d fail. I think career decisions are the hardest for me.
Which house to buy? That’s easy. I just pick the one I like. *G* Fortunately, saner heads in our family look at things like value for money.
Janae on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:24 am #
I’m very much a trust your gut kind of gal. It’s never failed me. I get into trouble when I don’t trust my gut. My dh has gotten better listening to my gut in the last 6 years, ever since I was dead on accurate about his father’s wife.
What feels right to your son? Does he want to stay home? I’ve a sister who has tried to move out of MT 3 times now. It’s never worked for her because she gets so incredibly homesick. OTOH, I’ve never looked back since I went to college.
I’ve another sister who does the pros and cons list, then completely disregards it. It just seems kind of ridiculous to me to go to so much effort and then ignore it, especially given her and her dh’s track record.
Like Claudia said, this decision isn’t the end of the world. He can always change his mind and find a different college.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:43 am #
I am also lucky in that IV is Mr. Calm about decisions. I always trust his judgement. He’s very levelheaded. Unlike me.
Louisa Cornell on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:54 am #
When the DH and my Dad were alive I always talked over all major decisions with them. And the thing is, to a certain extent, I still do. Any time I have to make a decision I try to think of what they might say. They were and remain the two steadying voices in my life.
Sometimes I use the ten year rule. If a decision seems a bit risky or rash, but the payoff is worth it, I say “Is it going to matter in ten years?” No? Then go for it !!
It helps to remember that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. Work it right with God and you will never die. Unfortunately I haven’t figured out a way to avoid the taxes part.
Everything else is an adventure. It’s a journey and there are going to be good trips, bad trips, detours and any number of other road hazards. The most important thing for him to realize is that HE is the destination. Everything he does, every decision – good or bad – is a step on the journey to arrive at who he really is.
So, when he is making this decision, he needs to decide if this a place he wants to visit on the way – will it be interesting, will he learn something, will he meet interesting people, will it help him grow and will it be worth the trip
LauraR on 26 Feb 2010 at 12:10 pm #
Like others have said, most decisions are not life or death and can be changed without a catastrophe, just inconvenience. That said, I take way too much time making that decision.
Good luck to your son, whatever he decides.
Gannon on 26 Feb 2010 at 12:23 pm #
For big decisions, I like to do the whole pro and con list. After all is said and done, I ultimately follow my gut instinct. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
Catherine on 26 Feb 2010 at 12:31 pm #
I can honestly say choosing a college was much less stressful than I thought it would be. I actually spent my junior year worrying about it. I toured two colleges and wasn’t sure about either of them. Then I drove into the valley to a small state college. As soon as I looked down on the college, I knew it was where I wanted to go. It also helped that my best friend was going there. I loved that it was close enough to go home on the weekends if I wanted to, but far enough away that I didn’t have to. I will admit, my best friend and I went our own way after the first semester there. But we’re both happy.
I think that if it’s not pretty clear soon after visiting the school, it’s not the school.
As far as other life choices, I think you just have to trust your instincts and trust your son’s instincts.
Good luck!
Pam Keener on 26 Feb 2010 at 12:34 pm #
I weigh the pros and cons and if the pros are attractive enough I may make the leap. I have a hard time deciding but in the end I agree that you have to trust your instiincts.
Love & Hugs,
Pam
Pesky on 26 Feb 2010 at 12:38 pm #
Julia: There there now, I’ve named my life goal several times. Because it keeps changing.
So no worries.
Freshechelle on 26 Feb 2010 at 12:50 pm #
A friend has actually said this when deciding whether or not to buy a lipstick at Sephora, “I don’t know. Will it change my life?” That’s a lot of pressure to put on a stick of colored wax.
Linda Henderson on 26 Feb 2010 at 1:15 pm #
I’m one of those people who make lists and weigh the pro’s and con’s before I make a big life changing decision. And pray a lot.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 1:20 pm #
Love the idea that HE is the journey. Very true
Donna S on 26 Feb 2010 at 1:39 pm #
Tough call. I know I didnt really decide between my top 3 choices until I went to visit. I compared all their programs to see which sounded the best. But it really was a hard decision. I was lucky that when I went to see them that pretty much made up my mind. You have to go where you think you will feel the most comfortable. Especially if you are leaving home.
TrishD on 26 Feb 2010 at 2:06 pm #
Life altering decisions? Logic usually doesn’t play much of a role since I go with the “it just feels right” choice. When I chose a college I knew the minute I drove onto campus that I was going to go there. When dh and I were house hunting we looked at quite a few houses but the minute I stepped into the one we bought I knew our hunt was over. Naming our daughter? We each had a name we liked but didn’t want to mention it because we thought the other might veto it. When we finally told each other the name we realized we had chosen the same one. Every time the choice was made because “it felt right” and every time it was the right one.
I’ve never been one to weight the pros and cons, I’m just not that organized. When dh and I were thinking about getting married my mom gave me a piece of advice, she told me to listen to my heart, not my head. She said I would probably always be able to find a reason why we shouldn’t get married… we’re tight on money… we’re living in an apartment… we don’t have great jobs… but if I knew in my heart what I wanted then I should go for it. Yep, mom verified for me that my “it just feels right” approach was the way to go!
SheridanLA on 26 Feb 2010 at 2:13 pm #
You know, a lot of times I go with my gut instinct. The first thing that kind of pops into my head. It is usually the right decision (for me.) When I start fretting, analyzing, overthinking it, then things get convoluted and if I choose something other then my gut, it is usually not the best one.
Most of the time, listing pros and cons, etc doesn’t do it for me… I can find a way to out-con something if I don’t want to do it or it doesn’t feel right.
This has served me well in moving to other states, changing jobs and careers (a few times), getting married (gut said no, I ignored it.. bad move) and many other things.
My gut will also tell me almost immediately whether or not I am going to like someone or if they are a good person or not. I’d say 95% of the time, it is correct.
GSM on 26 Feb 2010 at 3:12 pm #
Gather lots of information (people, books, internet) and pray. I don’t believe you can total up a pros/cons list to get an answer–just weighting the list (not everything is equal) will drive you nuts. I wish you the best of luck with your son’s college search. I hope his choice gives you some comfort.
Lorihandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 3:55 pm #
Thanks for all the advice and good wishes.
We had a great visit to the U of IA today. I’d go there. Oh wait. I did!
But seriously they have programs in ALL his
areas of interests. I was so excited.
Judy F on 26 Feb 2010 at 4:30 pm #
I go with my gut a lot. If I get a bad feeling about something I won’t do it. I tend to ponder a while too before I do something I am not sure about.
Good luck with the search.
willaful on 26 Feb 2010 at 4:34 pm #
I found out yesterday that my husband has the opportunity to work in China for a month and take me and our son. Yikes! Hard to pass up on opportunity like that but ohmigoodness! How will we feed our autistic child? How will I communicate with people? What about our health needs? I just don’t know how to decide.
LoriHandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 5:35 pm #
Yowza, Willaful. That’s QUITE the decision.
I’d say take it one step at a time. Sounds like a big opportunity.
evlqn on 26 Feb 2010 at 6:10 pm #
willaful, that’s a biggie, how adaptive is your child?? probably not very but it is really a great opportunity. And he will have the constant of you and your husband. It is hard to explain to any kid why daddy has disappeared for a month but it will be exponentially more difficult with an autistic child. So what would be easiest on him?
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2010 at 6:31 pm #
Oh gosh, Lori, that IS a big decision! And I don’t have a clue what to tell you, except that I always think that if you go to college, it ought not just to be to party, but to get some skills/education that can help you break out on your own when you’re done.
Best of luck — and I hope it all works out great for him… and you too!
Zita on 26 Feb 2010 at 6:54 pm #
Big decisions. You know, I don’t think I’ve had to make one either. My biggest life change was moving from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Halifax, Nova Scotia 12 years ago. It was a no brainer because my sister, who is married to a military man, moved to the east coast 15 years ago. My parents, who are retired, followed to help her with her then school age children. I was left all alone in Winnipeg, so I scraped the ice off my car (Winnipeg gets very cold!) and drove east. I’ve haven’t regretted it for a minute. But it really wasn’t much of a decision, you know?
LoriHandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:53 pm #
I agree, Nicole. That’s funny because that was one thing IV was telling youngest son today–THIS is not a party. Of course IV went into the family biz at 18 and took it over 20 years ago, so he knows about life not being a party. The man’s amazing.
Lisa G on 26 Feb 2010 at 8:58 pm #
Having 5 kiddos we did everything we could to see they all went to college. Fortunately, they all stayed within a 75 miles of home. I was happy! My only son quit after 2 1/2 years and I wanted to bonk him!! He made a decision last year which made up for everything. This year he started this police academy. His dream! My nightmare! My older two daughters finished college a few years ago and have great jobs. My twins are now juniors and can’t wait to be done. I couldn’t be prouder!
I’d say, “Don’t worry, He’ll make the right decision!”
LoriHandeland on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:00 pm #
Thanks, LisaG. I think you’re right.
Karen Hawkins on 26 Feb 2010 at 9:15 pm #
Lists and research, but what I really want is a magic bullet that makes the decision for me and then I can live happily ever after.
But after I make lists and do research, I go with my first gut feeling.
Fortunately for me, Hot Cop is very analytical. Me, not so much.
Donna Wise on 26 Feb 2010 at 10:31 pm #
We’ve had four children go to college and they all chose their college for different reasons. Our oldest had to choose for his major-there were only 2 colleges in the state that offered that major. Our oldest daughter wanted a small college where she could run track and our second daughter wanted a large college, farther away, and NOT the one where her sister was!!(they were a year apart)! We did lots of research, I bought a book comparing colleges, and we visited a lot of different colleges! They all chose well!(child #4 had to choose a college that would accept her…but that’s a whole other story!!!)
Beverly G on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:02 pm #
depends on the desision sometimes i jump head first other times i make lists and plan and weigh all the options for me thats whats best planning and weighing all options and usually it takes a while i sit down and talk it threw with people then i make the best decision for my self
chelleyreads on 26 Feb 2010 at 11:18 pm #
for big decisions i usually journal to reflect. then not think about it for a day or two. then i go back and read over what i wrote, talk to some of my family or close friends and ask for their opinions and then make a decision. but for not so big (and a few big) ones i just go with my gut feeling.
E.R. on 27 Feb 2010 at 12:11 am #
I’m late to the comments, but I want to say that I did weight some decisions I made in life. For example, I knew that I didn’t want to apply for out-of-state colleges/universities and I wanted to be near my home so I applied for colleges that are nearby.
Some decisions are easier to make while others you have to ponder, taking the pros and cons of it all to arrive to a final decision.
First, look deep inside yourself and ask what’s important to you. It helps if you can narrow the general perspective to the important point. That’s the main point of the dilemma.
Then see if you can come up with some answers. It would be good if you list them to the most important then the least, so the criteria you come up with is the one you are most comfortable and feel important.
Talk it over with others, like families and friends. It would help find a dif. perspective to your dilemma.
And then, hopefully you’ll come up with an answer.
That’s the condensed version of my advice. I hope it helps.
LoriHandeland on 27 Feb 2010 at 7:04 am #
Everyone has been so generous with their advice. I really appreciate it. I’ll let you know what the final decision is. probably in a few months. I’m sure it’ll go down to the wire.
The winner of the ARC of CHAOS BITES is Beverly G. If you could send me your street address at
LHANDEL120 @ aol.com (no spaces)
HeatherR on 01 Apr 2010 at 10:57 pm #
I didn’t read every post and I know this is a pretty late response, but I’ve 2 degrees – I put myself through college for a bachelor’s degree in psychology, and just last year I finished my JD. Both were tough, the first because i had a lot of growing up to do and then struggling to survive while going to school, and the latter because I was married with three small kids (6 months, 2 years and 6 years) when I started law school. I am in a world of student loan debt, and the market right now isn’t great for lawyers, but I don’t regret my choices. How I went about them I have some regrets for, but not what they were. VERY important though: choose a school where you can get real experience in the field you think you want to land in! If you want to be a doc, get an EMT cert first and go try it out, or at least volunteer in a hospital. Law school is a bunch of law theory, but mine had lots of clinics, and I worked in those and learned a LOT, and definitely found a niche that I enjoyed AND that I was good at! Better to find out in school that the reality of the job is not what you want to spend 40 years in than graduate and find out.
LoriHandeland on 02 Apr 2010 at 6:32 am #
Very good idea, Heather. It would have helped me to be in a classroom LONG before my senior year.