Lonely No More
Dec 7th 2009
Nicole JordanGoddess Readers Speak Out & Nicole Jordan
Have you heard about the recent study that says loneliness is contagious? Supposedly a lonely person not only suffers herself but can seriously infect the members of her social group, too.
I wonder if the opposite is true? Can contentment/ happiness/satisfaction be transmitted to your friends and colleagues? An even more intriguing question to me is, has the Internet diminished our feelings of loneliness and improved our social connections and sense of community and thus increased our individual joy?
I would say that’s all true for me. “Belonging” to The Goddess Blogs has improved my outlook on life significantly. (In fact I’ve dedicated my next book to my dear fellow goddesses!) So have various loops I belong to and bulletin boards I frequent. Some of them have even changed my life.
In fact, I found two of my very best friends years ago (actually before the Internet) through a writers’ organization/newsletter called The Regency Network. I wrote in to the editor with a research question about what underwear ladies wore in the early 1800’s. Imagine finding a dear friend because of underwear! And I’ve made countless good friends since with other networks.
Of course, loneliness is not the same as being alone. I crave alone time now
and then. But I also treasure my social connections and the friends I’ve made through my on-line networks. E-mail makes it soooo easy to stay in touch and build relationships. And now that we have Twitter and Facebook, etc, there’s an even greater opportunity to connect socially.
Have your on-line social connections changed your life in any way? Do loops and blogs and boards and other networks satisfy you in different ways? If you Tweet or Follow anyone, has that made a difference in your measure of loneliness/happiness?
48 Comments »
48 Responses to “Lonely No More”
B on 08 Dec 2009 at 3:04 am #
I’ve met friends online who meant the world to me at some point. I’ve always been a loner by nature. I’m weird. People don’t get me much. No one understands how my head works and I just hardly ever feel completely comfortable around other people. Don’t get me wrong, I talk a lot, I engage in conversations, most people seem to like me. But I can never really be myself around friends and family. So, I used to come online. And I’d made friends I could be myself with, and they loved me anyway.
I’ve made friends who saved my life, friends who were like sisters, friends that when I met online, them living in the US and me living in Brazil, I could never have imagined we’d actually meet in person. And we did. And it was wonderful.
Except that I became too dependent on those people. And life happens. People drifted apart. And when life did happen, it hurt too much. Part of me feels abandoned. And for someone with the trust issues I have, that was about it, so, I try not to get too close to people anymore. And, in real life, that’s easy, because I have a natural barrier, but, online, I have to watch myself not to cross my self-imposed limit.
B on 08 Dec 2009 at 3:08 am #
Having said that, I Tweet. And imagine my surprise when I met someone through Twitter — a writer, nonetheless — who became so important to me. Someone I talk to about things I would never talk to someone in person, someone I email at 5am if I need to talk.
And, you know what? It scares the hell out of me. I need to keep myself inside my boundaries or I’ll just keep being hurt over and over and over again.
I’m 21. I don’t believe in friendships that last forever. I don’t believe in friends that are just family. My cynic protection mechanism is working just fine for now, thanks!
Trini on 08 Dec 2009 at 4:07 am #
What and interesting topic Nicole!!!. I don’t know if loneliness is contagious, but I do believe that hapinness/contentment and sadness too could be contagious, you can transmit your mood to your surroundings. For me, there’s no doubt Internet is a great invention and can make your life easier, funny or interesting. Also you can meet wonderful persons that they change your life or they can help you. Nevertheless, at other moments Internet can be a trap. Indeed, yesterday I was looking a tv show that talked something like this. There was a woman who was depressed and aphatetic because she had bad luck with the men…. and her daughter wanted to tell her that she had to went out home and enjoy. She was trying to find love through CHAT!!!! And I think this is vey sad.
I’m a very social person, so I think for that reason sometimes I need (and I like) to be alone. For me Internet is another way to know people but not the only one and it’s very satisfactory and always surprised me. For example, thanks to you, Nicole, I knew TGB, and when you answer my email I couldn’t believe it, I was very excited, you really made me happy…
Trini on 08 Dec 2009 at 4:25 am #
Now I’m still surprised because thanks to Internet I can “talk” with my favourite writers… Books are very very important in my life and the writers are my idols, so I swear you that I’m still in “shock” because I’m here talking with you the goddess….
I think Internet influence in my life in a positive way because make possible relantionships that, without it, will be impossible or very difficult. But I insist, it would never be the only way to be related to other people. I’m very affectionate and I need to touch, to watch the eyes and to laugh with others not alone in my house…
Bronte on 08 Dec 2009 at 5:42 am #
Just my crazy logic but if a person has a social group to infect doesn’t that kind of mean they aren’t lonely? Or maybe they just feel they are….Anyhoo beside the point. The internet has not affected my social connections in anyway, shape or form. I am on facebook on sufferance and have been known to refer to it as stalkerbook. I quite like twitter in a short, sweet and informal way. I enjoy reading blogs, and reading others stories and comments. I really like the funny/sad/poignant tales that others have to share but I don’t feel the need to gain a closer connection. I have my own friends and family for social interaction and I guess I’ve never felt the need to expand my internet horizons.
Judy F on 08 Dec 2009 at 6:24 am #
I have meant some wonderful friends from email loops and blogs that I am on. One friend lives just two hours away from me and we get together fairly often.
I am basically a reserved person by nature and the internet really has helped me to open up more.
ps..Are you ladies going to get festive on the header of the blog..
Cail on 08 Dec 2009 at 6:50 am #
I never thought I’d have friends from the internet, but I can honestly say that I have made some good ones here. I met a bunch of the group at RWA DC this summer, email with others, constantly interact on facebook, and my DH and I even got to visit Kathy while we were in Nova Scotia! I guess that’s what happens when you check in with the same people every morning for three or four years… or whenever this blog started.
LoriHandeland on 08 Dec 2009 at 7:13 am #
I’ve met two of my dearest friends on the Internet. Since I’m in my office so much it’s lovely to have connections in that way. What did writers do before the Internet?
And then there is everyone on this blog, which gives me a place to go each day and chat. I love it!
I’ve also gotten into Facebook a bit. Connected with some old friends that way.
I’m not a twitter fan, but who knows what the future may hold.
Karen Rose on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:11 am #
Aw, Nicole, this is so very sweet! A dedication! I’d planned to thank y’all goddess the last few times I was a RITA finalist – if I’d won – which I didn’t. But my thought was there
I keep up with friends via email or on line. Seems like people don’t talk so much on the phone anymore. I do miss that aspect of being social.
Cail, it was so lovely to see you in DC!! And that you visited with Kathy in NovaSc – how lovely is that!
Karen Rose on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:14 am #
Oh, and I twitter, but I just do it for fun. I don’t think I’m tweeting anything earth shattering, but I do enjoy the interaction.
Sabrina Jeffries on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:25 am #
I love the internet–honestly, I do–but I like personal contact, too. I really enjoy my local chapter, and our local book club. I’m a people person and an extrovert, so loneliness isn’t much of a problem for me, but I can see how the internet would be a boon for introverts.
I sure HOPE contentment and happiness are contagious! Because I do my best to spread it around. *G*
And Cail, it was great meeting you at RWA! I hope some of you will be attending in Nashville this year.
Freshechelle on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:38 am #
The internet is entertaining and all but it ain’t gonna buy me a Christmas present, so I’m still very into my face to face friends!
It has been great hanging here because you are the only social group I’m part of that is familiar with our core topic – the Goddesses’ works.
As for the net effecting my loneliness/happiness, probably on a subconscious level. Being social without technology takes effort to get results, so I make the effort and it hasn’t let me down.
Madeline Hunter on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:42 am #
I have met some friends through the internet. Mostly my use of the net is writing related, and without the net I would be very isolated in that part of my life. I have friends now I would never have had if not for the net, and who were first online friends before becoming face-to-face friends.
So I guess it does help avoid feelings of loneliness. However, when it comes to my other lives, the net plays almost no role at all. One reason I keep the day job is to have human contact on a regular basis, and to be part of a community that is bigger than just me. Physical people give off energies and I think exposure to those energies has a lot to do with eliminating our feelings of loneliness.
I think, however, that the net can create some of that for people. It isn’t the same as face-to-face, so I don’t think it should be compared to that. Net communities are their own thing, but can be very real and “homes” in which people feel comfortable and among friends and, maybe, less lonely if they have a tendency toward loneliness.
Madeline Hunter on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:46 am #
I do Twitter off and on, along with the other social networking things. I have become friends with one young woman first through Myspace, now Facebook. Prior to such things I doubt we would have communicated very much because even email letters would be more formal.
As for Twitter, I don’t use it a lot, but some. And I find that some tentative relationships are forming with some other writers and readers that would not have otherwise. It is interesting.
Kim on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:51 am #
Working from home can be really lonely so, yes, social networks do help with my loneliness. I meet my bestest friends online. Now we talk almost everyday on the phone and harrass each other via networks. lol
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 8:56 am #
These are such interesting answers! That’s another reason I love TGB… because I get exposed to many perspectives and get great food for thought.
Very interesting point, Bronte! I think the data shows that you can have people you hang with but still feel lonely — and then that influences them.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:01 am #
B, trust me, there is such a thing as friendships that last forever. I’ve watched it with others, and experienced it myself. So you’ve got a lot of great stuff ahead of you. I think it’s great that you’ve found some on-line connections where you can be you all the time. Frankly, that’s the only kind of friends connections I want!
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:06 am #
Judy, that’s wonderful that you’ve met good friends through your networks.
And yes, we’re planning on putting up a new winter header to get in the spirit of the season.
It’s hard to believe, considering all the snow I see around me, but winter hasn’t officially started quite yet. Doesn’t it begin like Dec 21 or 22? And then spring officially started Mar 21? or do I have my dates mixed up?
Actually here in Utah, winter started really late this year. We usually have snow that sticks by Nov 1. This year it was only this week before we got any serious snow.
Claudia Dain on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:09 am #
I’ve made close friends due to our online conversations…and that seems like something right out of The Jetsons! I never would have believed it to be possible. I love those friendships, though I do think, like Madeline, that there’s a certain energy to be had from face-to-face. I need face time!
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:11 am #
Trini, I’m so glad you found us! And I agree, that’s sad to have to find love through a chat room. Although, one of my good friends did meet her sig other through a chat room, so I think it’s possible.
I understand that dating services are becoming really big these days, too. I know someone who works at Match.com and supposedly it’s doing very well.
Alicia on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:12 am #
I don’t know if I can say that happiness and contentment are contagious. I WISH I had experience with it, if it is so. I am a generally happy and content person. I’m not really moody at all. But I work with what I can only describe as “Wicked Witch of the FREAKIN’ West”. She loves to control the mood of the office with her hatefulness and snide comments. Once I figured out she was just an unhappy person I decided I wasn’t gonna let her make me unhappy too. I smile when she has a sneer. I have a cheeky comeback when she says something hateful. But what really gets under my skin (but I don’t let it show) is when she acts like I’m stupid! Anyway! I could talk about that all day long! The internet is pretty awesome, yet it can be way scary! Social connection-wise, I LOVE facebook ’cause I can keep with way old friends that I don’t even live close to anymore. TGB is waaaaay awesome, because I never would have thought I would actually be having a convo with some of my FAVORITE authors!! That is just nuts to me….but I love it!
Pesky on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:13 am #
I’m not a lonely person by nature. I love my friends, but I’m content in myself so not seeing them every day does not bother me. I’m not anti-social, I have a lot of friends, a lot I’ve had over 30 years, we make it a point to go out at least once a week as a group because we enjoy each other’s company.
Being self-contained is actually something that has annoyed boyfriends in the past, I’m not clingy, at all, I don’t do drama, if you want to be with someone else, be with someone else, just don’t be with me. Strangely, now that I’m older, the men I date appreciate that.
I have a friend that literally doesn’t like to be alone, must be out with people all the time. She’s just not happy within herself, and yes, when I am with her I can feel the edginess and discontent. Here’s the trick though, if I can manage to keep in an up mood, she will eventually turn to the up mood, if I wallow with her, it becomes worse tenfold.
Social networking on the internet. I use the same rules as I do when forming friendships. I keep myself open to friendships that are healthy and non destructive. When it turns into a constant bitchfest I distance myself…a lot…then I will disappear.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:16 am #
Cail, I remember when you first starting hooking up with your fellow goddesses! That was such fun. I would love to meet all of you in person someday.
I was on one reader/writer loop where we did exactly that — got together in Atlanta at Celebrate Romance, so we finally got to meet all the people we’d become friends with on-line. It was wonderful. And I know of another group — RBL Romantica — who meets in Vegas every year.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:24 am #
>>>I’ve met two of my dearest friends on the Internet. Since I’m in my office so much it’s lovely to have connections in that way. What did writers do before the Internet?
My sentiments EXACTLY, Lori! Of course, the time sink can be dangerous, but the benefits have been priceless for me.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:33 am #
KarenR, we know you love us, but we definitely want a shout-out when you win your RITA *G* I have no doubt that it’ll happen someday.
>>I sure HOPE contentment and happiness are contagious! Because I do my best to spread it around. *G*
I sure hope so too, Sabrina! But I know yours is contagious — that’s one of the things I love best about you. And it shines through in your writing, too.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:35 am #
>>As for the net effecting my loneliness/happiness, probably on a subconscious level. Being social without technology takes effort to get results, so I make the effort and it hasn’t let me down.
Great point, Fresh! And I think you’re right. You’re also write about the Xmas presents *G* Although I do know of one board whose members exchange Xmas gifts annonymously — they call it their “Secret Santa”.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:38 am #
>>>Net communities are their own thing, but can be very real and “homes” in which people feel comfortable and among friends and, maybe, less lonely if they have a tendency toward loneliness.
Love your take on this, Madeline! “Home” is a perfect way to describe it for me. And I would love to know in the future if your Twitter connections develop into deeper relationships.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:43 am #
Kim, you’re one of the reasons TGB is a great place to hang out! So thank you very very much!
Claudia, it DOES seem like the Jetsons, doesn’t it? lol. I was just thinking this the other day when I was reading on-line articles and checking e-mail from my niftly little Netbook from the comfort of my own living room. It sure is great to not be stuck in my office all the time anymore. Considering all the time I spend on-line in addition to writing, I was in my office way too much.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:47 am #
Alicia, I’m so sorry you have to work with someone that awful! So it really is great that you have an on-line escape.
Pesky, your whole outlook sounds so…. mature and healthy. Love it. And I love that you can bring your friend up instead of her bringing you down. I wanna be like you when I grow up *G*
Kathleen on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:49 am #
I have made some wonderful new friends on-line this past two years. I would have never thought in a million years that I would do such a thing, but I have and it has openned up a new world.. I like the old world too. I love to see my friends and family, but when I can get to them or talk with them, my new on-line friends on blogs or chats or FB, are there to listen and share our love of books or what ever is going on in our lives. I love to make new friends. I have always been a very social person.. I need to see or speak to others in what ever capacity that would be every day.. I say for me in the last two years It has been a life saver.
Amy Scott on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:58 am #
Facebook reconnected me with a really good friend from high school. We lost touch about 10 years ago, and found each other again 2 years ago. It was like we never parted, we are now closer than ever. I also use facebook to connect with one of my best friends who recently moved to Ireland. I still need to talk with her on the phone once a month for the personal aspect, but we chat everyday using FB. My sister and her family live in the US, and I use a webcam to stay in touch with her. My neice is only 2, so her being able to see us, not only hear us, helps her remember.
My husband and I have moved around a lot for work, and because of this we have lost touch with a lot of people. Moving around can be very isolating, you have to start all over again. I find that the older I get the harder it is to make new friends. This is why I enjoy TGB, we can all share stories and laughs, and it makes me feel less isolated.
ladydawgfan on 08 Dec 2009 at 10:37 am #
I am an introverted person by nature, but it is more of a defense mechanism than anything. I have always tried to be the best friend that I know how to be, but more often than not, my efforts have been brutally rejected. I tend to push people away so not to be hurt, and it always surprises me when they push back, almost like they are saying, “knock it off, you aren’t going anywhere, and neither are we!” I have very dear friends in Mississippi and St. Louis who are like that, who actually get me, and who won’t seem to let me go, no matter how many times I drift from the boat.
I don’t understand the fascination with Facebook and Twitter. I do, however, treasure the time that I have spent here on TGB and the people that I have spent chatting with.
Rachel Gibson on 08 Dec 2009 at 11:05 am #
I’ve loved the opportunity to meet other goddesses and I’ve grown friendships through email. But my deep friendships are with people I see face to face on a regular basis.
Julia London on 08 Dec 2009 at 11:20 am #
I have friends that were made on the internet. Its a great place to find people of like interests, but you don’t have the (sometimes) burden of having to make real time for them, LOL. My bookclub is another social outlet for me. I really, really miss it when I can’t go for whatever reason. 12 women who all like the same things I like — books, wine, and chocolate.
B on 08 Dec 2009 at 11:25 am #
Nicole, will you NOT mess with my skepticism??
The whole ‘not being myself’ with some friends is hard to explain. I like people in general — and I like my friends. Being myself is just complicated because no one understands. I end up getting upset and feeling like a freak, so, I usually keep part of myself guarded. Which is good for me, I guess.
I have a very strong self-preservation instinct. I’ve been hurt too much to just let myself trust people like that (and, yes, I realize this I’m doing is also hurtful)
Anyway, the way I see it, online is more dangerous. But I’ve met people online who meant the world to me. And some that still do. So, I can’t complain about it!
Alicia on 08 Dec 2009 at 11:47 am #
Julia! Add me to the Books-Wine-and-chocolate-are-my-favorite-things club too!! I wish I had a book club…so much fun. A friend of mine tried to start one back in January but she moved away and it kind of fizzled.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 12:33 pm #
>>>I say for me in the last two years It has been a life saver.
I so agree, Kathleen! Only for me it’s been 10 years, when we moved to Utah. I left many of my dear friends behind.
>>Moving around can be very isolating, you have to start all over again.
Boy, is that true, Amy! I’m an Army brat, and then dh and I moved every couple of years when we were first married. So I know what you went through.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 12:34 pm #
LDF, those are friends to treasure! Like you, I haven’t gotten into FB and Twitter yet, but as Lori says, you never know.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 12:37 pm #
Rachel, that’s wonderful that you have your bosom friends close by. Mine are scattered all over the country, and in fact the world. Chatting on line or even the phone isn’t as great as face time.
Julia, I envy you your book club! I think that would be wonderful.
And Alicia, I’m sorry yours fizzled!
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 12:39 pm #
>>>Nicole, will you NOT mess with my skepticism??
LOL, B! Sorry, we’re all gonna keep working on you until you see the light. *Big Grin*
nancyg on 08 Dec 2009 at 12:42 pm #
I love my online friends *:)*. I’m a stay-at-home mom, so if it wasn’t for y’all, I’d be having conversations with my dog all day long. Which isn’t too bad, he listens better than my kids…
I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ll say at dinner, “So the blog topic for today was…” and start another conversation at the table w/my family – carry it over to my “real” life…
Facebook is wonderful – I’ve hooked up with so many friends from high school & college. Especially friends that live overseas. It’s almost real time
We’ve been here in the same house for 12 years, so have friends here in the ‘hood that we’ve had forever!
poker nights, bunko group, golf outings, it’s a nice place – even made USA Today’s top 10 places to live this year, lol.
Pesky on 08 Dec 2009 at 3:10 pm #
LOL Nicole. Yeah, I’m a grown-up. You keep thinking that.
I inherited my attitude from my Dad. He used to walk down the aisles of the stores singing. He didn’t care, he loved singing, and everyone in town loved him and knew who he was. He was always so confident in himself, and I will always admire that about him.
My mom gave me Irish guilt.
They balance out nicely.
B on 08 Dec 2009 at 3:12 pm #
Awww, Nicole, that was so sweet! *hug*
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 4:29 pm #
Nancy, I’m glad you have your dog, lol. And your neighborhood sounds wonderful.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 4:35 pm #
Pesky, I love that you balance out *G*.
Your dad reminds me of a good friend — he is always singing and whistling and cracking jokes! He’s probably the most cheerful, optimistic person I know. Every once in a while it’s even too cheerful, and can get on your nerves. But overall he’s a delight to be around.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 4:36 pm #
Thank you, B! I love hugs, even virtual ones, and hugs from my fellow goddesses are the best kind!
Kathy on 08 Dec 2009 at 9:10 pm #
I’m so late adding to this topic, but it was a busy day.
I have to say that joining everyone here is a daily highlight for me.
facebook has reconnected me with many old friends from my life, which is really great, but
my close friends are the ones I call and see regularly.
I do often find that whatever the topic of the blog is, it relates in what I hear and see around me. my sister and my friend hear me say at least twice a week “oh! that is just like the blog topic for the day…”
and “meeting” Cail was odd as well this past summer since we already knew each other from here and facebook. felt not so muchlie meeting a stranger, but an old friend and getting to catch up.
Nicole Jordan on 08 Dec 2009 at 10:42 pm #
Love your post, Kathy! I remember when I finally my some of my on-line friends on line — it was so great. And yes, just like old friends… but there was a special freshness about it, like meeting a new friend, too.