I Married My Mother
Oct 20th 2009
Sabrina JeffriesSabrina Jeffries & When Goddesses Fall To Earth
Supposedly I’m not alone. Studies show that people tend to marry someone like their father/mother, and it’s just as often the same sex parent as not. In my case, I married my mother. It kind of makes sense, since I’m practically a clone of my dad in personality.
I should have realized I was marrying my mother when, right before the wedding, my mom expressed concern about my husband-to-be being too “negative” and my first reaction was to think, “that’s not only the pot calling the kettle black, but calling it metal and round as well.” I pointed out that my sunny personality might brighten his negativity, and she said, “it doesn’t work that way.”
Maybe not, but I’ve been happily married for 25 years now to Mr. Curmudgeon, just as my dad has been married for 50 years to Mrs. Curmudgeon, and both Dad and I are still sunny optimists.
When we’re all four together as couples, it’s pretty funny (yes, that’s a recent pic of me and my parents–hubby was home with only son). Mom and my dh are in the corner comparing notes about how we drive them crazy, while Dad and I are laughing at how uptight they can be. Dad and I are both ADD extroverts; Mom and DH are both … not, thank God. They keep us focused and remind us of the important things. Mom and DH tolerate people for their jobs or for us, so they’re the ones begging us to leave when Dad and I are lingering at a party.
Of course, there are differences. Mom doesn’t like clutter; DH lives in a perpetual whirlwind of clutter. Dad has more of temper than I do; I get my feelings hurt more easily than he does. But there are more similarities than differences. And DH’s cynicism and my overly optimistic outlook balance each other out, so I don’t mind that he’s like Mom. He “gets” me … and I “get” him.
What about you? If you’re married or dating, did you choose someone like one of your parents? If you did, did it work out or was it disastrous? I gather it can go either way–sometimes you repeat a bad pattern; other times you find your soulmate as a result. If you aren’t married or dating, do you think you’d choose someone like one of your parents, and if so, which one?
30 Comments »
30 Responses to “I Married My Mother”
MizMacgyver on 20 Oct 2009 at 3:50 am #
That is strange that this should come up because I was just commenting that the man I am dating now is a lot like my dad was. Not everything thank goodness or I wouldn’t be dating him but he is very outgoing while I’m …. not. I am a homebody and he is ready to “go somewhere” at any given moment.
B on 20 Oct 2009 at 4:07 am #
Knowing myself, I’ll probably marry my mother as well. But, then, I AM my mother, so, that probably won’t work, since we’re obsessive, compulsive, controlling and all those nice things that would make a relationship between two similar people nor work. So, like my mother, I’ll probably end up twice divorced going after guys my children’s age. Eh.. So, yeah, that’s that. I love my dad, but he’s just too much of a kid. As a dad, he’s cool and funny, and when he “disobeys” his much younger wife and does some crazy stuff, I’m more than happy to cover up for him and laugh along. As a wife, that would piss me off very, very much.
Sabrina, you’re so, so, so cute I just want to squeesh you. I know, that’s an incredibly weird comment, but it’s true. I absolutely love your blogs (Can you say stalker?)
LoriHandeland on 20 Oct 2009 at 5:05 am #
When I read the title my first thought was “me too!” I’ve noticed this for years. IV and my mom are very similar–both calm and easy going. Very lucky since I am NOT. I have my dad’s temper, although age and wisdom (ha!) have taught me to hold onto it better.
Sabrina you look fabulous!! What a smile!
Gwynlyn MacKenzie on 20 Oct 2009 at 5:30 am #
I married a less rigid, less emotionally inhibited form of my father. When they’re in the same room, the theme song from Patty Duke (they laugh alike, they walk alike, sometimes they even talk alike) goes through my head. Scary, that.
Kim on 20 Oct 2009 at 5:38 am #
I chose someone like my dad in all the negative ways, no doubt to work out my issues with him. It was…not good. LOL. 11 years of not good. But I’ve been on my own again for many years now, with no desire to repeat that kind of mistake.
Happily, the best thing that came out of my failed marriage was a great relationship with my dad. He’s matured, emotionally, though it took him till 60 to do it. (He just turned 70.) And several years ago I had an “aha” moment and was able to forgive him for how he treated me as a child, for not being (IMO) a good parent. And finally I was able to separate my relationship with him from his relationship with my mother. What he did to her was between them.
So I lost the putz and gained a real dad. Not a bad trade off at all.
)
Cail on 20 Oct 2009 at 5:58 am #
Well. Everyone claims that my DH is very much like my dad. I’m sort of a mix between my two parents. I’ve got my mom’s organization, and creativity, but my dad’s peace maker skills and laid-backness. DH is very laid back, and calm, which is nice.
Sabrina Jeffries on 20 Oct 2009 at 6:24 am #
Miz MacGyver, I’ve noticed that introverts pair with extroverts a lot to help force them to socialize, while extroverts pair with introverts to give balance to what would be a frenetic pace without them. It can work really well … as long as the two types allow the other one to be themselves. If I was always forcing DH to go out, and he was always forcing me to stay home, that would be a problem. Fortunately, we both respect each other’s likes and dislikes.
B, glad you find me squeeshy!
Lori, thanks! I’m feeling great. And actually, I’m seven pounds down from what I weighed in that picture.
Kim, it’s true–they say we do choose a parent sometimes to work out our issues with that parent. Sorry the marriage didn’t work out, but I’m glad it got you a father you could get along with!
Cail, it’s never as cut and dry as it sounds. I’ve got some of my mom in me, too, believe me.
dbrown3400 on 20 Oct 2009 at 6:33 am #
Sabrina, you look wonderful! Congratulations! Your hard work must be very gratifying.
I married my mother, although not in a good way. My ex had all Mother’s faults to a T. The only difference was he outgrew his with age while hers proceeded to get worse. Unfortunately for me, that happened after we split and I wasn’t the one to reap the benefits. Luckily, we are on good terms because our parting was at least amicable. But many of the things I fell in love with my ex over do remind me of Dad: his love of children, sports, music and me, of course. Mother didn’t care for me too much.
Pesky on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:19 am #
I’m with dbrown, you look amazing!
I’m not really sure. The guy I’m dating is really reserved, which my mom was but not in the same way. He makes me feel safe, like my dad did but not in the same way. He’s got this quiet way of looking at things and coming up with a conclusion, and instead of shoving it down my throat discusses it with me. We’re still pretty early in the dating so I’m not sure yet what ticks him off, we seem to get along on all fronts right now.
Mostly the guys I date are decent, caring guys which my dad was. They didn’t work out, but if I had to look back it wasn’t so much the nature of the relationship than the type of work I was doing at the time keeping me away from home. Relationships take time and being away from home 90% of it doesn’t really work. I’m working from home now so this one has a much better chance.
Karen Rose on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:28 am #
To be fair, I’d have to think on that awhile, but my first reaction is “Not really.”
Sabrina, LOOK AT YOU! You’re stunning, absolutely stunning.
TrishD on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:36 am #
I know that I’m on the long road to h*ll… better known as becoming my mother, but I never really thought that I married my father. I think I married my bother-in-law. At first glance, no one would ever say that my dh and bil are alike. Sure, they married sisters but me and my sister are nothing alike, except it seems that we married the same man.
It’s scary when we’re all together, seeing the 2 of them in action. They can finish each other’s sentences, they tell the same jokes, they have the same “I pick on you because I love you” style… it makes me shake my head and laugh at the same time. I would have never thought they would get along but once they met I realized that they’re too alike to not get along.
And Sabrina, you look great!
Tanya on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:53 am #
I totally married my father! Which is particularly funny because I always said I would avoid a man like my dad.
We are happy as can be though, so I guess it all worked out.
Amy Scott on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:55 am #
I don’t really see my mom or my dad in my husband. I am sure if I looked hard enough I could find a few similarities on both sides, but I find we mostly mirror each other. We are both very stubborn, me probably a little more so them him, or a least he gives in more then I do. I hate to lose an argument, and I like to get my way. We both can be very sarcastic, which is something I am trying to work on. I guess the two biggest differences are that he is more optimistic then I am, and he is outgoing where I am not. I am the one begging him to leave the party early. Wow, maybe I am in need of a character assesment. After re-reading this I see being sarcastic isn’t the only thing I need to work on!
amy1242 on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:56 am #
I’ve had people tell me that I married my father. I never saw it until it was pointed out to me. It bothered me a little at first, but then, as I accepted it, my relationship with my dh and my dad got better. I accept them both for who they are now and I wouldn’t change a thing, unlike what I was doing before the realization hit me. I’m glad it was pointed out to me. I’m a better person now, and seeing them for the wonderful men they are. Hopefully, I’m pushing my moms personality inside of me, away. I was headed down that road, and what an ugly road it was! I DO NOT want to be my mother, EVER!!
And Sabrina, you look absolutely amazing!! Kudos!!
Rachel Gibson on 20 Oct 2009 at 8:40 am #
I didn’t choose anyone like either my mother or my father. But what’s interesting is, my daughter’s boyfriend is just like her dad. I don’t know whether to tell her he’s a keeper or scream “run Forest run.”
elsiehogarth on 20 Oct 2009 at 8:41 am #
Gorgeous Sabrina! What a hot babe! You look fantastic!
I was married to someone that was my complete opposite. I’d say we were like night and day. Like, I was the normal one and he was insane. I’m a thinker. I think things out my ex-husband was very impulsive. I like being surrounded by family and good close friends, he liked being with the regulars at his favorite sports bar. I like saving for a rainy day and he was all about spending. I’m a get up and go type of person, he was a later person. I have organized clutter, he was just insane clutter every where.
Sabrina Jeffries on 20 Oct 2009 at 8:47 am #
Thanks for the compliments, y’all!
dbrown, sometimes that stuff is really hard to get past, but I’m glad he mellowed with age. Maybe you can find someone ELSE who has mellowed with age, and reap those benefits!
Pesky, working at home really can help make relationships go better, can’t it? OR it can destroy them. The first time I worked at home while DH was temporarily out of work, it was a disaster. NOW, it’s great.
TrishD, how funny that the two sisters married similar guys. Come to think of it, my sister and I did, too, although they’re not as much alike as it sounds like YOURS are.
Tanya, all that matters is that it works out!
Sabrina Jeffries on 20 Oct 2009 at 8:52 am #
I always thought I WANTED someone like my dad, but I kept dating guys like my mom. I honestly think if I’d married a guy like dad, it would have been disaster. Nothing would have ever gotten done!
amy1242, I honestly think that’s one of the great things about getting older–increased self-awareness. It’s really helped me to realize these things about myself.
Rachel, LOL about your daughter! I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I think it’s a GOOD thing that I don’t have to deal with the girlfriend/boyfriend thing with Nick. I’d be a nervous wreck!
Elsie, I do think it’s important to have a spouse who shares your basic life philosophy. DH and I may be opposites in personalities and habits, but we have the same political views, the same religious views, the same frugality, the same love of music …. Those things help to cement the relationship when the other stuff gets in the way.
Janae on 20 Oct 2009 at 10:27 am #
Sabrina – you look fabulous!!
I’ve given this some thought this morning. I’d have to say that my dh is not like either one of my parents. However, I can tell you that in many ways I’m like my mil. Some of its good and some not so good. I consciously try to not be the bad part of her because sometimes it feels like my dh is trying to recreate his parents relationship. I hate being a screaming banshee. I hate screaming because it’s sooo not me – the family peacemaker, sensible, sees both sides, etc, and only my dh brings out that side of me that I never knew existed until I got married.
kay on 20 Oct 2009 at 10:48 am #
I thought I was marrying someone like me, after 35 years it’s turns out that I married someone like my cranky grandfather…who knew?
Sabrina Jeffries on 20 Oct 2009 at 12:34 pm #
Janae, in some ways, I think I’m like my DH’s mother, but I can only speculate based on what he’s told me about her. She died before I met him.
Kay, your cranky grandfather! Now THAT’s a twist.
terrio on 20 Oct 2009 at 2:08 pm #
I’ve never thought of this before. Now I’m struggling to see if my ex is anything like either of my parents. My conclusion, he was my mother. Wow, didn’t see that coming. As I’ve already referred to him as my ex, I’m sure you’ve figured out it didn’t work. LOL! But the reasons it didn’t work were more from the ways in which he’s not like my mother.
I don’t think it helped that we were both extroverts. He longed for attention (he’s the lead singer of a band, need I say more?) and I just sort of ended up with it as a well-known DJ in a very small town. My guess is we were out of balance from the very beginning. Thankfully, I got my precious daughter out of the deal and she seems to be the good parts of both of us. More me than him, of course.
terrio on 20 Oct 2009 at 2:09 pm #
Forgot to say, you look FABULOUS in that picture!
Sabrina Jeffries on 20 Oct 2009 at 2:52 pm #
Thanks, Terrio! Yeah, I’ve often wondered how two extroverts would do together. Glad you got your daughter out of it, though!
Nicole Jordan on 20 Oct 2009 at 3:33 pm #
Too funny, Sabrina!
Absolutely I did not marry my mom! Can’t say that I married my dad, either, although that’s a much closer match to my dh.
Dh’s marriage to me was his second… I’ve heard that in first marriages you often marry your opposite. The 2nd time around you marry your likeness. And that’s totally true of us. On the Meyer’s-Briggs personality test, dh and I are EXACTLY alike, expect that I’m an extrovert and he’s an introvert.
And I agree, fab pic of you!!!
Madeline Hunter on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:42 pm #
My dh has many qualities similar to my father, there is no denying that. However, my father was quiet and fairly introverted, by dh is not. Since I am like my father that way, it is not surprising that I did not seek that in my life partner.
DH has very little in common with my mother. So I find it interesting that sometimes it is the mom a woman marries, not the dad.
Madeline Hunter on 20 Oct 2009 at 7:43 pm #
And I agree, Sabrina, about the pic. I saw it earlier today but did not have time to post, but even before I read the blog I thought, wow!
Jessie on 20 Oct 2009 at 8:40 pm #
This is a difficult question for me to answer. I know my husband is nothing like my mom. I also can’t say he’s like my dad as I have no personal knowledge of my father. If I were to ask my mom, she would say I’m just like my father anyway. I suppose it’s possible that my husband is like my father but more likely I set out to simply find someone as completely different from myself as possible.
Most of the time it works. We have our share of problems, like any couble, but we work through them together. If you think about the fact that to a certain extent we turn into our parents does that actually mean I’m married to an evolved version of my husband’s parents? I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I know I’m glad I made the choice I did.
Sabrina Jeffries on 20 Oct 2009 at 9:01 pm #
Jessie, I think the studies are looking at people who marry someone like their parent, because that’s who they grew up with. So you couldn’t have purposely married someone like your dad, because you didn’t know him.
Glad that your husband and you have worked out, however!
Madeline, I don’t think it’s by any means universal–I think that it’s just been recognized that a certain number of people choose a person much like one or the other parent. Glad you like the pic!
Tina on 20 Oct 2009 at 9:35 pm #
I like the picture of you with your parents.