Sex and Other Life Rituals, Part 2: Weddings
Oct 19th 2009
Madeline HunterMadeline Hunter & When Goddesses Fall To Earth
Among life’s rituals, the biggest and most expensive has always been the wedding. Like the other rituals mentioned in my post last week, this one has undergone some big changes within my adult life.
About ten years ago I began being invited to them again (wedding attendance goes in phases— the first phase is when your friends, siblings and cousins marry, then you don’t go to them for a long lull until nieces, and children of friends start marrying.)
During the years I had not attended any, they turned into Hollywood extravaganzas. There are emcees now, and the grand entrance of each member of the wedding party at the reception, while the emcee reads a little bio as if they are competing for a beauty prize. There are two hour picture-taking sessions between ceremony and reception (while the guests wait, and pass the time at the open bar), and often, when all the sub-rituals are done, there is no clear time when the reception is over because the bride and groom do not leave. Wedding planners are everywhere, t.v. shows film the most elaborate ones, and people often decide to hold weddings at romantic foreign locations that it will cost
the guests a fortune to attend.
The goal, I assume, is to creat memories so overwhelming that they will sustain the bride and groom forever.
Among the things lost in the evolution were receiving lines. Too formal, I guess, but I miss them. I go to weddings sometimes now where I never meet/greet the bride to pass on my good wishes. Sometimes the bride and groom make the rounds of the tables at the reception, but sometimes they do not. I find it odd to attend a wedding and never say “hello” to the couple getting married.
One other thing happened during my lull. Weddings got incredibly expensive. Stunningly so. Part of this had to do with the more expensive tastes and demands of brides and grooms, but I strongly suspect a lot of it also was the result of how, when something becomes popular and a center of free-spending, all manner of “professionals” will gravitate there to feed at the trough. Then the vendors who service that pastime will goose the prices as much as possible too.
How expensive? When a relative of mine planned a wedding a few years ago, it was a relatively modest event with a buffet meal (no sit down server costs) and no alcohol except a champagne toast, but at a nice location. Her gown did not cost thousands (more later on this–dibs on the topic, goddess sisters!). It cost around $20,000 anyway. Her mother choked on learning that the price for using real plates, not paper ones, was three bucks a pop.
My first experience with contemporary weddings was at an affair that had to cost at least fifty or sixty grand. Easily. The flowers alone (all roses, everywhere, literally thrown around in addition to magnficent arrangements on every table and pew– yes, I was impressed, if that was the real point of all of this. You bet!) were at least five thousand. The minister had been hired because he looked good on camera. I ate one of the best meals I have had in years, at one of the grand halls of the top local museum (cost to rent=five thousand). The couple was in their early thirties and paid for a lot of it themselves, I am sure. Maybe they could afford it, but I suspect that at most weddings I attend now, someone is going into big debt to put on a grand show.
Each to her own, and God bless if it works for you, I say. But as I attend some of these extravaganzas, and remain the stranger sitting at table 5, invited because my husband has a business relationship with the groom (or whatever), I sometimes reflect on my own wedding. It was not a homemade affair, and it was not cheap, but the cost did not burden my family.
Just as well, because I don’t remember most of what happened, due to my nerves and excitment. It was all a bit of a blur. I don’t think another thirty thousand dollars would have improved my memory. Or my memories.
What was the most unusual or most impressive wedding you attended?
Are there parts of the older ritual that you miss, or parts of the newer one that you like?
Have you ever been to a “themed” wedding? (Star Wars, Cinderella, western, medieval, etc.)?
If you have had a wedding, do you remember much about it?
As a guest, if you could advise a bride on where she might economize, where would it be?
53 Comments »
53 Responses to “Sex and Other Life Rituals, Part 2: Weddings”
LoriHandeland on 19 Oct 2009 at 5:44 am #
I was at an all black and white wedding. Everyone in black except for the bride. White flowers. Black plates and glasses. Very striking. But what a pain to plan. And the cost. Can’t imagine.
Never been to a themed wedding but I think that would be fun.
As for my wedding, I remember wanting it to be over. By the time I got to the actual day I was wiped out. It ended up being a lovely wedding and our grandparents had a ball, but we still look at each other and say “Should have gone to Hawaii.” When you’re young, you just don’t know.
My advice to a bride on how to economize would be to elope. Seriously. I wish I had.
Pesky on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:13 am #
The best wedding I attended was for two landscapers that had a house on the hudson. All of our friends had a hand in it, from building the stage to gathering the flowers for the center pieces. There were moonlight canoe rides and dancing and the food was bbq and it was just fun and wonderful.
At one friend’s wedding the wedding party and guests walked from the church to the reception. It was apparently an old world tradition, and I loved it. (The reception was about two blocks away).
I went to a medieval wedding. The bride was so stressed about everything being “just right” it lost something in the translation.
Nope no wedding.
Here’s my advice. The best weddings I’ve been to have been outdoors, non-fussy, where the bride and groom just enjoyed themselves. The dresses were beautiful, but they weren’t the most expensive, the pictures were amazing because the bride and groom and guests were having a great time. If at the end of the day you end up married it all went well.
LisaK on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:13 am #
I’ve only attended one wedding so far that was personal – my uncle and aunt’s fourteen years ago – and maybe three or four others when I was an acolyte.
Again, I see that there seem to be great differences between the US and Germany (or Europe in general, though I’m not sure here). I’ve never – no matter how many movies I watch – completely understood how an American wedding progresses.
In Germany, you have to got to the registry office first. There are only few people in attendance there, mainly because there’s so little space but also because it’s not that much of a ceremony and there’s really nothing interesting to see. The bride often doesn’t even wear her wedding dress there but only some kind of white suite or something the like.
Then, on the same day, the next day or even weeks or months later, you can go to church. You don’t have to. That’s what’s – in my opinion – the real ceremony, with many, many people, the beautiful white dress and the music. After that, you mostly go to a restaurant or have a buffet at home. That’s the only thing that’s really expensive here, I think.
So maybe we’re more customer-friendly here.
Pesky on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:16 am #
LOL Lori, I get a lot of questions about why I’m not married yet. My standard reply is, “If and when I find a guy that I can be with for an extended period of time without looking at them and thinking, “you are just another 10 minutes out of my day”, barring any issues from said paragon and if he feels the same way about me, I will encourage the wedding that consists of going to a warm climate, getting married on the beach and sending a postcard that says “It’s done.”
nancyg on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:20 am #
Funny, I was just reflecting back on my own wedding since my 15th anniversary is on Thursday. It was a big, shindig with 250 at the reception, buffet dinner & 5 hour open bar. 1,500 miles & a month later for a reception with my husband’s family who couldn’t afford to travel…another 200+ people. I was writing thank you notes every night for 6-8 months.
When my best friend of 20+ years eloped in Vegas, it just immediate family & me
. A lot of our friends get married back in their out-of-state hometowns, then a casual party “here” about a month after getting back from the honeymoon.
Usually we just go out of town for family and very, very close friends. Otherwise, I find a card with a check is more than sufficient (and cheaper for us!).
Yes, the affairs are getting grander. The thing that gets me are how many places the bride and groom register at! When I got married, it was the traditional department store registry. Now, people are going on their 2nd+ marriage, or marrying later in life; already living together & have all the gadgets.
I’ve contributed to Home Depot & Target gift cards, even a deposit at the travel agency to help pay for the honeymoon.
nancyg on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:42 am #
Went to a wedding where there were over 800 people at the reception. The bride’s parents paid for plane tickets for the out of town guests, booked & paid for blocks of hotel rooms for them, and had large passenger vans waiting at the hotel for their use while in town.
Back in the day of BIG Texas oil money, about 25-30 years ago, my parents went to a wedding with a full symphony at the church, and ANOTHER at the reception, live band on the 2nd stage of the reception, PLUS black-tie attendants at the toll booth. If you showed them the wedding invitation, they put money in the toll for you since the invitation directions specified use of the toll road from the church to the reception.
Haven’t been to a themed wedding….yet!
SheridanLA on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:48 am #
One of the most beautiful weddings I attended was for a friend who is Chinese marrying a Persian Jew. She somehow combined elements from both cultures beautifully – the more quiet and sedate Chinese musicians outside with cherry blossoms Asian flowers inside to the loud and very long sit-down dance/dinner/extravaganza of the reception. It was insanely expensive.
Ihave been to formal sit-down dinners, BBQ wedding, destination weddings, etc. the amount of money is staggering.
I think what floors me is that people will spend thousands on the flowers, then want to save money on the photographers.. out of all of it, what do you think will remain from the event? flowers? no.. the photos and/or video.
It has just become out of hand – I say focus more on the marriage and less on the wedding, ya know?
Amy Scott on 19 Oct 2009 at 7:09 am #
My wedding was simple, and small, maybe 85 guests, but it still cost my parents $20,000. I remember them asking my husband and I, if we would rather have the money for a downpayment on a house, or have the actual wedding. At the time I wanted my day, but through the planning stages, I realized I should have taken the money, and eloped. My mother and I argued through the whole process, and because my parents were paying, she thought it should be her way. The actual day was nice, and our families had a great time, but I don’t really remember much. I do remember thinking I would love to be out on the dance floor, but we wanted to sit down at each table and chat with our guests.
I think it would be so fun to go to a themed wedding.
My favourite wedding ritual is the throwing of the bouquet/garter, even though I don’t get to join in anymore. I just like watching grown women pushing and shoving trying to get those flowers. It can be a good laugh.
The last wedding I attended the couple didn’t register, they just wanted money.
My advise would be to have a small wedding, and if you are handy or creative, do as much as you can on your own.
TrishD on 19 Oct 2009 at 7:10 am #
I went to 2 weddings from different sides of my family on the same day. The weddings and receptions couldn’t have been more different than day and night. The first wedding was laid back and the reception was at the local Optimist Hall with crock pots on card tables. The second wedding was very formal and when you walked into the reception, at the local woman’s club, you were handed a glass of champagne and directed to the hors d’oeuvres room where there was a string quartet playing. When it was time for dinner we were directed into another room, this one with a pianist and violinist providing the entertainment. I’m not sure how the reception ended, it had been a long day and we had spend half of it on the road driving between the weddings and home.
One thing that was consistent with the two weddings, it was very obvious that the 2 couples were very much in love and 20 years later both are still married.
TrishD on 19 Oct 2009 at 7:25 am #
My wedding was small… very small. Including me, my husband and the minister who performed the service we had 11 in attendance and we held it in our apartment. I had always wanted a big wedding, I watched my sister and my friends get married and I was always a bit envious that it I hadn’t had my day. When the time finally came to plan a wedding me and my dh decided to keep it small but just making a list of family and friends proved that wasn’t going to be possible. We were already living together, our daughter was almost a year old and I realized the reason for the ceremony was more important than the ceremony itself.
We called our minister and asked if he would perform the wedding in our apartment. He said of course, he’d love to! So, without telling my soon to be mil, we planned our wedding and when she came to visit for Christmas we surprised her with our wedding. I had flowers, we had a unity candle and the minister gave a brief sermon about marriage.
The wedding was small, in our apartment but the end result was what we wanted, we were married!
Karen Rose on 19 Oct 2009 at 7:27 am #
Economize? Like, a sturdy ladder from Sears. I’ll make it even easier for my own children – we have a one story house and the windows are two feet from the ground. Climb out, my dearies!
Seriously, what a colossal waste of money!!! In this day, why not spend the 60 grand on a downpayment on a house? 20 grand on a dress? Mine cost $300. Granted, that was back in 1986. I liked that dress.
My husband wanted subs or Chinese food at our reception and looking back, he was the wise one. I did go to a “destination” wedding once. A good friend got married in Vegas. I’m not a gambler, so the whole destination was wasted on me. I really would have preferred a service on the beach.
Margaret on 19 Oct 2009 at 7:56 am #
OMG! Hot button, Madeline. I watched a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress” over the weekend. The idea that a “cheap” dress would cost $3000 is obscene. I won’t say anymore as you obviously want to discuss that at another time.
I would never go to a destination wedding. It seems to me that far too many couples are selfish in the extreme these days. They don’t think of the hardship their guest might have in attending. Both financial and physical. I wouldn’t contribute to a honeymoon either. There was a time when only the wealthy could travel when they married. Most people just went upstairs or to the back room and shut the door.
Too many brides (nearly always the bride) get caught up in making the wedding perfect & forget the reason for it. I feel sorry for a lot of grooms who marry these bridezillas. I saw a show recently where the bride weighed her bridesmaids & made them diet/exercise. Plus she screamed/cussed at them and everybody else because it was “her” day. Wow. No wonder the divorce rate is high. How can marriage compete with wedding hoopla?
I miss the reception line, too.
Margaret on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:09 am #
BTW, there is no such thing as a perfect wedding. Something always goes wrong. Hopefully, it’s something inconsequential. My late DH was a photographer for Armstrong, the flooring people. He often got asked to shoot weddings. We went to everything from small church & a pot luck reception at the VFW to lavish and reception at a local banquet facility.
My favorite recent wedding was my grandson’s July wedding 2 years ago. Outdoors overlooking the Susquehanna River. Storm coming up the river. Her dress was simple & made by a dressmaker. He wore a Mexican wedding shirt. They were both barefoot, but not in the old hippie style. Rose petals were strewn down the grassy aisle for them to walk on. The reception was inside in an old horse arena. We sat inside eating/visiting etc while watching a wild storm hit outside. There was no photo. They put 2-3 one time use cameras on each table and asked the guests to take pictures. I thought that was a neat idea.
I can barely recall my own lavish wedding of 62 years ago. It was a waste of money. The marriage didn’t last 6 years. Brides get caught up in the princess-for-a-day idea. I was no different. Wish I had that money now. LOL
Margaret on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:11 am #
I meant to say above that there was no professional photographer. Obviously my fingers didn’t get the message.
Freshechelle on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:21 am #
best wedding was in CT. Backyard wedding, American bride, British groom height of an international health scare. We were told to dress for the wedding but bring a change for the post dinner volleyball tournament. The invite asked us to select our entree: chicken, fish or mad cow.
As for the big production weddings, I say elope. I’ll double the value of my gift if you don’t make me go to your wedding. I’ll triple it if you promise not to make me your bridesmaid.
Kathleen O on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:37 am #
I have not attented any wedding for a least a four years. The last being a very good friend of the family’s daughter. The wedding was lovely. My niece was in the wedding party, as the two girls have known each other since birth. They were actaully born a month apart. They are like family. As the adults have known each other since childhood. The wedding was modest, but very nice. It was mostly family and close friends, so 90% of the guest knew on another. It was enjoyed by all and after the reception was over about 20 or so people headed back to the brides mother’s house.. I think it was about 3am when I got back to where I was staying for the night..
The food was good, the DJ was good and the company was great. To me this was a fantastic wedding. And it didn’t cost me the earth to attend. A dress I had in the closet, that this crowd at not seen. A new pair of shoes and the cost for a pedicure and my hair done for the occasion. A modest wedding gift and life was great. I don’t believe in this bit about giving the bride and groom a heft check, after all they invited me because I was a good friend, not a cash cow..
SheridanLA on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:39 am #
Fresh… that is awesome. fish, chicken or mad cow! HA!
Amy Scott on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:47 am #
I always give money as a gift at weddings, but I never know what is the ‘right’ amount. Am I giving too much or too little? I guess it would depend on how close I am to the bride and groom. I was once told by a bride, that each guest should give the price of their dinner plus $100. Has anyone else heard this?
Kathleen- I agree with you. I want to be invited because they want to share their day with me, not for how much money I can add to their pot.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:50 am #
So checks are becoming more common? I have never had a bride suggest one. How interesting.
Being Italian American, giving checks is a tradition (remember The Godfather?). The bride would carry a white silk sack into which the envelopes would disappear. When I was married, I think my mil was shocked.
We could not have a small wedding. Just the relatives nudged up the number. But I think I kept it to about 150. It could have easily been twice that size, and my mother was not pleased when I insisted that it not be.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:52 am #
A number of you have mentioned eloping. My father, realizing I was not enjoying the planning process, made the offer to me. The money instead. I thought my mother would kill him. She had already done this for three other daughters and she had “her way” down pat. And there I was, balking at her way, LOL. Even with it down pat, and even with a modest affair by today’s standards, there was so much stress that I have managed to forget.
Barbra Kolten on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:53 am #
When I married, I wanted a traditional wedding – only nobody knew what a traditional wedding was. I gave up mentioning it was going to be a “traditional” wedding because I had to make it clear too many times what that “traditional” was supposed to be. I guess in the end it was a simple, traditional medieval wedding – without the guests having to wear medieval costumes of course. I remember everything about it because I’d planned it meticulously. And everything went according to plan… well, but for the HEA! *LOL* My advice to a bride is: Don’t marry. It’s not worth it. Elope or think better of it or something. Just DON’T marry. I mean, really. Why bother? Aww. Yes. Sure. Because it’s sooo romantic… (?)
TrishD on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:53 am #
Amy, The price of their dinner plus $100?? If that’s the case, do we get a say in where they have the reception and how much dinner costs? And $100? I’m afraid to ask what part of the country you live in. Where I live $20-$25 is the norm unless you’re family, immediate family, then it’s $30-$50 with only the grandparents giving $100.
A former co-worker of mine planned her wedding and reception with the thought in mind that the money they received as gifts would pay for everything. I had never heard of anything so selfish and greedy in my life. I refused to give her cash, as did most my co-workers. We pitched in a bought a them a gift.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:54 am #
Okay, Amy, that post has me gaping. A bride recced the amount? Not the bride who was inviting you, right?
I can’t imagine a request for money, with a recced amount. Let me pull my jaw off the floor if that happened.
elsiehogarth on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:55 am #
The most expensive wedding I ever went to was my cousin Sylvie’s wedding 2 years ago in Washington D.C. The reception was at the historical Willard Hotel. It is located in the corner of the White House. I don’t even want to know how much this wedding cost when her Vera Wang dress cost $10,000. She was also wearing an antique tiara that was on loan, from Harry Winston, and that came with it’s own body guard. Plus the Wedding Planner that was there all day long.
My niece Julianna(8yrs. old) was the only child in the wedding party and the Willard had assigned her own personal assistant, during the reception, to be sure that anything she asked for was found and given to her. When asked what she wanted for dinner she said: chicken fingers and french fries. After she ate, she asked to see the chef to thank him for her dinner. I think she had a better time in the kitchen watching all the craziness that goes on in there.
Afternoon Tea, at Peacock Alley, at the Willard, is wonderful and can imagine Mark Twain, President Pierce, Jenny Lyd, Sam Houston, Martin Luther King etc. walking around in that area.
PJ on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:57 am #
I’ve attended lavish weddings and casual weddings. It’s mostly the small unpretentious ones that remain firmly fixed in my memories. My late husband and I paid for our wedding and decided to keep it small, preferring to use our money for a down payment on our new home. We were married at sunset, in a gazebo overlooking Sarasota Bay, with 30 relatives and close friends in attendance. I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 8:59 am #
LisaK–I think that it works that way in a number of European countries, the first stop at the government office, then the private event. Here we allow ministers to officiate still, or a justice of the peace to go to the wedding location.
nancyg—I think you have been to some amazing weddings. 800! And from your descripton of Texas weddings three decades ago, I think we now know where the current trend started!
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 9:04 am #
PJ, as a guest I remember the small ones well too. My friend had a very modest wedding in a chapel, then the 30 or so who were invited were taken out to dinner.
Speaking as a guest again, I would say that brides need to (1) keep control over that picture taking session. I have cooled my heels for a very long time at some weddings during very long lulls; (2) make sure that you feed people during that lull. I have been to some where the booze was plentiful and the food not, with expected results before the reception ever started.
I find that most weddings I attend now are afternoon/evening, going from like 3 pm to whenever. I haven’t been to a late morning/afternoon one in ages. Are they even done anymore?
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 9:07 am #
elsie— I can’t imagine the cost of that wedding either. I think if I guessed I’d be way off. If people can afford this, that is great, and it sounds like your cousin could and is well known if a tiara was loaned to her. I think I would have enjoyed that event!
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 9:09 am #
Karen R—LOL! Why do I think that your being the mother of two girls colors you view of it? Hee, hee. You see the bills coming, don’t you? I’d point out smugly that I have two sons, only I don’t think anyone gets off the hook now. The pain is getting spread out more than in the olden days.
nancyg on 19 Oct 2009 at 10:37 am #
Being 1/2 Chinese, there’s a tradition. The bride and groom go to each table, greet the guests, and thank them for attending. The maid of honor and best man go with the couple, each carrying a bottle. The bride and groom then share a toast with each table. Dang, but I was “pickled” by the last one!! There are some pictures of me dancing somewhat erratically midway through the reception.
My parents wedding was overseas; they met when my dad was in the military. Chinese tradition dictates the bride to change dresses throughout the reception. The more clothing changes, the more prosperous the family. My mom changed 6 times. She said she barely had anything to eat.
The coolest thing about my wedding is the people who came from so far away to celebrate with us – Taipei, Croatia, Florida, California, New York. That is the thing I remember the most – just the pure joy and love in the room!
Margaret on 19 Oct 2009 at 11:14 am #
If I was required to give a give equal to the meal + $100, I think I’d rather go out to a 5 star restaurant where I can choose what I want. Holy cats!
If anybody’s interested in seeing a few wedding pictures from the 1930’s thru now, I have some family ones up on my web page. It starts with my parents and ends with the grandson I mentioned earlier.
http://home.comcast.net/~cookeemama/site/?/page/Going_To_The_Chapel/&PHPSESSID=c52903af92aec342c24d65702290ce5e
The 3rd couple down are my oldest step-son & his wife. They celebrated #22 this summer. Their ceremony lasted about 10 minutes and we were out of there. The reception went on most of the night because the wedding party, assorted young relatives & friends went to a local night club to keep the party going. This is now a tradition among my immediate family. The bridal couple go in their wedding clothes. The nightclub always treats the group to a bottle of champagne and the whole club celebrates. Me, I go home to my quiet and peaceful little bed.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 11:27 am #
What fun, Margaret, to see weddings through time in those pics.
The “keeps the party going” is one of the things that threw me at that big shindig I described in my post. I really had not been to a wedding in forever prior to that. My dh and I are watching this reception just go on and on, and the bride not leaving. We had both been raised in the old etiquette that said you did not leave until the bride did—it was a signal of sorts. Anyway, it got to be about ten pm, and I had a babysitter waiting at home, and we finally figured out that it was okay to leave, that there really wasn’t an “end” anymore. We both had a lot of culture shock that day, lol. We kept muttering to each other “So, are we supposed to, you know, wait or what?” like we were from another planet.
I think the idea of the party moving to another, more casual place, makes a lot of sense, though. Then there is an end for those who choose it, but the rest can party all night.
Amy Scott on 19 Oct 2009 at 11:35 am #
It was a co-worker that was getting married that told me that. We were in the lunchroom, and she got talking to me and another girl about her wedding, and the topic of giving money and how much came up. The price of the plate plus $100 was her answer. I told her that I had been ripping people off if that was the case. I only give $100 if it is close family, or a really good friend. The thoght of someone inviting me to their wedding and wanting me to add the price of my food to the gift is so tacky. I think it is like TrishD said, they wanted their gift money to pay for the wedding. Thank goodness I wasn’t invited to her wedding.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 11:39 am #
Amy, how would a guest know the price of the dinner? Please don’t tell me that your coworker informed them. I really don’t know how I would react to an invitation like that. Probably too stunned to even be angry.
Nicole Jordan on 19 Oct 2009 at 2:26 pm #
I have to admit I’m not big on weddings. Mine had 13 1/2 people at ours. That number included me and dh, the minister, and my 6 week old nephew (thus the 1/2). It was fun and intimate, and we went out to dinner afterward, drank almost a case of champagne between us. To this day my m-i-l says it was the best wedding she’s ever attended.
I think wedding money can be much better spent on other things such as a great honeymoon!
Cail on 19 Oct 2009 at 3:09 pm #
I had been told that a monetary gift should be the cost of the dinner. I keep just avoiding the weddings I get invited to. I try not to travel too far for weddings. My DH’s bro was thinking of having his half way around the world. I thought that was very inconsiderate. As it is, we’ll have to buy plane tickets to get to wherever they choose to have it. Sigh.
Cail on 19 Oct 2009 at 3:10 pm #
oh, and 100 is standard in NY, per guest for gifts. i think its insane.
Shu on 19 Oct 2009 at 3:18 pm #
It’s true. $100 seems to be the magical number for weddings nowadays. I’m traveling to LA from NY next month for a wedding, but I have no complaints because it’ll be my first wedding so I’m just super excited! Even though it’s my former coworker/now friend’s sister’s wedding. Haha.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 3:33 pm #
So, Cail and Shu and others—Does everyone just send a check now? I need to know, LOL. And I don’t mind either. I have spent untold hours debating gifts in stores. I might feel a little odd sending a check if it is not family or close friend, though. Hmmm.
Nicole Jordan on 19 Oct 2009 at 3:39 pm #
I’m such a lousy gift giver! I rarely think of anything good or creative. So I love the idea of just writing a check or putting down my credit card to a store registry for the couple to choose.
How many fondue pots do you own, lol?
Nicole Jordan on 19 Oct 2009 at 3:41 pm #
Or maybe some of you aren’t old enough to remember the fondue pot craze? I’m dating myself, I’ll bet.
One new thing I love about current weddings is putting an disposable camera on every table for the reception, then turning in the camera at the end for the br & gr to get developed. That’s a great way to get memories, even if you didn’t have time to get around to all the guests.
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 3:47 pm #
OMG, I can just put a gift amount on the store registry for the couple? I had no idea. Talk about dating oneself! It makes sense and all, and is nicer than a check in some ways. More discreet, somehow.
Hey, Nicole, fondue pots made a comeback a couple of years ago. I have one, sent to me as a gift.
Margaret on 19 Oct 2009 at 4:43 pm #
My final word for the day. LOL I think if it’s required you must give a gift valued at $100 or more, it’s not a gift. It’s your fee for the privilege of getting to attend the wedding. I’m in favor of brides being glad somebody even gave them a gift at all.
B on 19 Oct 2009 at 5:04 pm #
I’m so late at commenting today…
I’ve been to very few weddings and they’ve been fairly normal. Nothing too extravagant.
The notion of having a wedding annoys me. I can’t picture myself dressed in white, taking damn pictures all night, spending an absurd amount of money for a party I’ll be too busy being ‘the host’ to actually enjoy. I’ve told my dad several times, he should thank God for me every day. For my wedding, I don’t care what will be done. But I don’t want to be in a dress twice my weight having my picture taken all night. I’d much, much, much save money and have a kickass honeymoon
Gwynlyn MacKenzie on 19 Oct 2009 at 5:13 pm #
When dh and I tied the knot, the whole thing cost about $1500. There was no “venue.” Our reception took place at the local Fire Hall. The Auxilliary did the cooking and serving for the buffet-style meal, and one of my old classmates ended up being the bartender. We had a real band and a great time.
When our son married, my dear DIL’s folks drew the line at 100 people. That just doesn’t work in our world, so dh forked over the additional funds for the caterer on top of the rehearsal dinner and other “groom’s parents’” responsibilities. Still, the kids didn’t go overboard, the had a receiving line—mom’s can be real pains about tradition and protocol—and we still smile at the memories (although the food left a great deal to be desired. Hope never again to have prime rib that tastes like pot roast!)
Madeline Hunter on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:01 pm #
B, I sort of felt like you do, which was why I gave my mom so much hassle.
Gwynlyn, I like pot roast
About moms being a pain—at the shindig I described, as we left the church the groom’s mother and grandmother were “receiving” the guests. I thought that interesting, and did not get why until there was no receiving line at the reception. It was abundantly clear to me that his mom was NOT happy that she it had been eliminated, so she stationed herself at the church door and did it anyway. I can imagine the “discussions” on this point, her getting outvoted, then finding her own solution. Lots of bride’s parents are drawing one line or another. Another relative of mine’s parents refused to have an open bar, so the groom paid for it. Once I met/saw his friends, I understood why it really wasn’t an option for him.
Sabrina Jeffries on 19 Oct 2009 at 6:59 pm #
My wedding was cheap, I must say, but that was because Hubby and I are both frugal, his parents had died when he was young, so they couldn’t contribute to anything, and my parents could only afford $750 toward it. DH DID spend a lot on the reception, because he was the last of his friends to get married, and they’d all had big Catholic weddings with big receptions–lots of food and liquor. He didn’t want them to think he’d gypped them out of a big reception. Since MY parents are Baptist and Baptist wedding receptions tend to be, well, understated (no liquor or dancing for sure), I tried to respect my family’s feelings and we had a small “Baptist” reception between the wedding and the “after-wedding party,” as we called the second reception. I didn’t want my parents to be embarrassed in front of their families at the fact that we were serving liquor at our reception. Well, in the end, that was a big, stupid mistake. For one thing, the guests had to sit through two receptions (those that came to the wedding, that is–apparently, lots of people skip the wedding and go straight to the reception). (cont.)
Sabrina Jeffries on 19 Oct 2009 at 7:15 pm #
For another, by the end of the day, the only one who didn’t know about the party with the liquor was my uber-religious grandmother (my mom told her sister; my dad invited his sister and brother-in-law). We had an entire Baptist reception for my grandmother.
THAT, I regret. But I was young and stupid, and afraid to embarrass my parents. Also, I thought more of my relations would be coming. But the down side of growing up abroad is that you don’t really KNOW your relations very well, so they didn’t feel terribly obligated to come, even though most of them lived in the same state or the adjoining ones.
Anyway, we saved money where we could. I made my own wedding gown (of Thai silk and lace, which I hand-sewed the seed pearls onto). A friend made up the silk flower arrangements as her wedding gift (we paid for the materials). We only had about 100 guests anyway, so it wasn’t too bad.
Fiona on 19 Oct 2009 at 9:24 pm #
The nicest weeding gift we received was a friend playing the piano for the wedding service. The second nicest gift was a 4X6 frame engraved with the date of our wedding. That has had a place of honor every place we’ve lived. I have given the same thing as a gift to close friends and family members, and they all say, years later, how special it is.
We went to a wedding “reception” on Saturday. The bride is a coworker of my husband. They had a “family and close friends” wedding for 200+ two weeks earlier, then invited neighbors and coworkers to their house for a pot luck dinner. Half the guests spent the evening in the family room watching ND hockey on TV. It seemed like an excuse to ask for presents from people you didn’t care enough about to invite to the main event. I gave a votive candle holder and a box of candles. If she doesn’t like it, the Holidays are coming and she can re-gift it.
Our wedding was my mother’s and sister’s unrealized wedding fantasy. We had a sit down meal. The one thing I wanted was a pianist and violinist. We did get that. I’m the mother of two boys, so when their time comes around, I will wear beige and smile.
Patricia Barraclough on 19 Oct 2009 at 10:15 pm #
The wedding that was most impressive was in the Philippines. I was in the Peace Corps and the country teacher I was living with was sister to a chief justice’s wife. When the teacher’s grandniece was married, the wedding was held in the cathedral in Manila. The reception was held in some grand hall and there were over 1,000 guests. A full, multi-course dinner reception with President and Mrs. Marcos in attendance as well as most of the higher ranking government officials and some foreign dignitaries. And there I was with the relatives from the provinces trying to be inconspicuous. It was as close to a royal wedding as you can get. No meeting and greeting the bride and groom there.
Ours was the first outdoor wedding in the area (in the early 70’s it was unusual) and both our daughters got married outside. I made the attendant dresses, my veil, and the ring pillow. I was going to make my dress, but when trying them on to find the right style, I found THE DRESS and bought it. We had a nice wedding, but didn’t get carried away. For the most part, our daughters were reasonable. The weddings were lovely and not too expensive. They feel the same way we do.
Shu on 20 Oct 2009 at 1:39 am #
Madeline, to answer your question, I’m not really sure (it’s my first wedding so am not too familiar with actual protocol) but that’s what I’ve been told from friends. Of course, if you bring a plus one, the amount goes to $200. I guess it’s an unspoken rule these days? I think most people still just have a registry or honeymoon contribution thing online and guests are just supposed to contribute.
Jennie on 21 Oct 2009 at 4:14 am #
I had the privilige to be the decorator at the wedding of Joely Collins last year (daughter of). They had about 30 guests and most of them were flown in, stayed in a very good hotel and where being transported to the location by a special bus. I know what just the decoration costed (including furniture, flowers, lighting, the tent and the carpetry) and that was over 30 g, that did not include the location itself, the staff, the food and the rented boats that took the guests on a lovely trip down the canals, but I can say that my planned wedding did not cost that much, and the idea was about the same….(we then calculated 8000 dollars excl. my dress).
It happens all the time that trends in the US come here as well and you now see people taking a loan or an extra mortgage on their house to afford the wedding. Only to end up in divorce 6 months later….
Leslie on 04 Nov 2009 at 1:23 pm #
My mother was a wedding consultant. I attended more than 100 weddings before my first so I had some ideas. The problem was we had no money. I also allowed my mil and my mother to talk me out of all the things I WANTED (live flowers instead of fake in particular) and so by the wedding day I had maxed out every credit card I could get approved for and was so stressed about everything that I did not enjoy it at all. I did splurge on a good photographer and I have to say that really is the most important advice I give.
My second wedding (which happened to be last weekend) was fabulous. I have grown into a very different person and know myself and my wants better than I ever could have back then. The first had 50 people mostly family. The second had 7. There is a little doughnut shop in Portland, OR that does weddings. The grand total cost of the wedding was just under $500 and to be fair $200 of that was a luscious pair of boots for me that I have wanted for a long time so they really shouldn’t count. LOL
After the ceremony (that was about 5 mins long) we went to a local pizza parlor and shared pizza. It was perfect and everything I could have wanted (including the live flowers)!