Those aren’t tears; my allergies are acting up
Oct 3rd 2009
Madeline HunterMadeline Hunter & When Goddesses Fall To Earth
A couple of months ago, in a blog posted here, I mentioned in passing that a year ago my oldest son had gone looking for a house to buy, and how it did not work out. Well, he got a better job this summer, and could afford to look beyond the hovels that would be better burned down. He finally put an offer on a small cape cod about fifteen minutes from where we live.
Tomorrow he moves out of our house, and into his own.
I am happy for him. It is past time. He isn’t going far. He will be back many times, and I’ll lure him with good meals. But—-
My baby is leaving.
It has been exciting, of course. Also infuriating, as he has ignored a lot of good advice his two type-A parents have been more than willing to share. So I have watched him
make some mistakes, but none of them wrecked the deal or cost him big money.
I was unable to be as involved as I would like because I had a deadline and then important revisions in the month all this was cooking. I suspect he will send my editor a thank you gift for keeping me out of his hair.
He has finally figured out, though, that if he lets me play house I will end up buying him stuff. He decided that might be a good trade right after he went out and bought some simple kitchen things like measuring cups and learned the truth about the cost of living, so to speak. So I have been having some fun with this as moving day approaches.
But very soon, I will not see him every day.
The problem is he did not leave when he was a pain- in- the- ass teenager. He waited until he had grown up and had become a very pleasant adult to have around. I will miss having him here, and being a mom I will worry about him. He is nice enough to understand that the worrying part can’t be helped.
I’ll go over and help the move. I’ll scrub out his cupboards and do other things that a young man may decide can be foregone, if left to choose. I have reminded him that he can’t avoid cleaning, however. I bought him a toilet bowl brush to drive the point home. You should have seen the look on his face during that little advice/lecture. Cleaning? What is this word cleaning?
The friends who owe him are supposed to show up en masse, early. I suspect there will be many fewer than he expects. Sunday mornings are like that. But it will get done, and I will put sheets on his bed and fluff the pillow, then come home without him. I figure I’ll be okay after a good cry.
Have you had children move out? Even college is tough. Did you sigh with relief or have a crying fit?
How did you feel when YOU moved out? I am chagrined to say I couldn’t wait, and never looked back. My son is being far more sensitive toward me than I was toward my mom.
Have you had other intensely nostalgic events in your life?
26 Comments »
26 Responses to “Those aren’t tears; my allergies are acting up”
Karen Hawkins on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:08 am #
Oh Madeline. I’m with you, hon. My son — my youngest — moved into his college apartment in August. He lived with his father the three months before that, so it wasn’t a direct move from my house, but it still shook me up.
Hot Cop and I moved The Kid in, purchased the extra stuff that he couldn’t get himself, and even decorated a bit … ok, two throw pillows and some nice lamps … but that was more than he would have done. All he cared about was his xbox and tv.
Anyway, The Kid has a great apartment and he’s settling in, and has gotten much closer to his sister, who lives a block away and cooks him dinner on a regular basis, so he’s eating well, but … oh how I cried when he first moved.
I’m even a little weepy right now, although I know he’s in a good place, and starting to accept more responsibility. It’s time! Heck, it’s PAST time! And you know what? I was just like you — moved out without looking back. Honestly, though, my mom had all of those foster kids. I’m not entirely sure she noticed . . .
Anyway, I know your son is going to do great. He has you for a mom if he has any trouble/questions/just needs a hug, so he’s set!
Hugs, Madeline!
Chloe Harris (Noelle) on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:12 am #
I know a little bit about how you feel. My oldest left for college this year. It’s been more melancholy than anything. And yes I put the sheets on her bed and fluffed her pillows and then ran out of excuses to linger. I’m happy that she’s so happy but I miss her like crazy. She’s always been independent so I knew this was coming.
My youngest is such a homebody I know it’s going to be much harder but I have six years to wait for that.
Best of luck with the move. You’ll be fine.
dbrown3400 on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:12 am #
When DD#2 left home she was fifteen. She went to live with her father because I was sick and unable to get her to and from school and her activities. Luckily, my ex had a flex schedule and could handle hers. DD#1 was twenty by then but still lived at home. She moved out when I got better but by that time DD#2 had moved from NJ to FL with her dad. That was rather traumatic because I had to fly down just to see her graduate high school. She’s since moved back to NJ. Now we see each other everyday and most weekends since I babysit my granddaughter. She lives with DD#1 so I get a healthy dose of both girls all the time. The elder is talking about moving to North Jersey, which will really unsettle me after all this togetherness.
Madeline, my feelings about leaving home echoed yours. I had four younger brothers at home and couldn’t wait to escape the madness. Mother pretty much left me in charge and I was glad to leave the responsibility. Flying down to Houston for college felt darned good. When I moved from Tulsa to New Hampshire for a job it felt even better.
cont.
dbrown3400 on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:15 am #
cont.
My most nostalgic moment was when my grandmother, who had never been on a plane and was well into her seventies, flew to NJ as surprise for my wedding. Boy, was I surprised and did I cry when I saw her come down the walkway from the plane!
dbrown3400 on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:20 am #
Madeline, if your son is only fifteen minutes away, you might be surprised at the number of times he shows up precisely when a meal is being served.
Karen Rose on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:48 am #
Madeline, it occurs to me that I also was not very sensitive to my folks when I moved out after graduating college. I was ready to fly, having just gotten married and ready to work a real job with a real salary. I imagine my parents cried, but like you, I wasn’t looking back then. I probably should have.
I moved Oldest into her dorm her freshman year of college and when it was 11 pm that night she said, “Mama, you have to go. I have to sleep.” I walked away from her dorm to my car, crying like a baby, and cried all the way home on the plane. DH on the other hand, was not crying. He was cleaning the mess Oldest had left behind in her room at our house. He was pretty pissed at the mess – which was why I think he’d started the cleaning job when he did. Being pissed kept him from crying like a baby, too.
On the bright side, you can turn your now empty bedroom into something fun for you! A workshop or a showroom for all your jewelry. I can see it now, all the styrofoam heads wearing cool necklaces and such.
Cail on 03 Oct 2009 at 7:02 am #
I was the first to move out (to college) and i was close enough that my parents would pop into the city (nyc) to take me and my friends out to dinner about once a month. they became awfully popular with that move. when I moved from manhattan to queens, they jumped on the Astoria food bandwagon, and would come out for dinner a few nights a month and take me and my roommate out. they seemed to realize that the best way to hang out was with food. when i moved more than a 30-1 hr drive away last year, the visits decreased. now they come every other month and either stay with us or my DH’s mother. our parents are close so that works out really nicely.
I don’t know if mom cried when i moved, but she was all emotional when my little brother went to college. now he is trying to find an apt in the city to move out after a year back since he graduated college. poor kid is very sick of living at home, and while my parents will miss him, i think they understand it’s time for him to fly the coop.
TrishD on 03 Oct 2009 at 7:26 am #
I’m the youngest in my family, my sister is 5 years older than me and was at college and married by the time I hit high school. I don’t think it was hard on my parents to let my sister go, she’s never been as close to them as I am. Honestly, I think she jumped with joy after my parents left her in her dorm room 12 hours away from home. When I left home though, I think it was hard on my parents. I’m not only the youngest, but the running joke in my family is that I’m the “good daughter”. (I don’t think my sister is aware of that, let it be our secret!) I don’t remember any crying but maybe I just have a mental block on that subject. While my sister went to school 12 hours away from home I was less than 2, close enough for weekend visits but far enough away that commuting was out of the question. I came home every summer but when I graduated and stayed away I think my parents accepted it. It was a clean break but not a complete break.
Fast forward 8 years and I was back living at home. I think moving back was harder than moving out. It stinks to be 30, single, with no job and no place to live… thankfully my parents never once hesistate to have me back. (con’t)
TrishD on 03 Oct 2009 at 7:39 am #
(con’t)
I moved out of their house a second time a year later. I think we were all happy for that move, but not because my parents wanted to get rid of me. I moved in with the man who is now my DH.
I still live in the same small town as my parents, they live on one side and we are 1.5 miles away on the other side, so I see them all the time. Actually, I’m going to be picking my mom up in about 10 minutes to spend the morning together.
For me, my daughter is 7 and the only leaving she’s done is off to school. Which caused my “allergies” to act up the first time she got on the bus and didn’t even look back to waive good bye! I’m a very emotional person, I’m not sure how I’ll handle it if she ever leaves home.
Good luck to your son and his move tomorrow.
Madeline Hunter on 03 Oct 2009 at 7:43 am #
dbrown, I am counting on him stopping by for a good meal. He is close enough that I will have to work hard at not being a pest, though.
Karen R— I have not even thought about how to use that room. Which probably reveals my nostalgia about this. Interesingly enough, he does not plan to take that bed even though he has room for it. I like to think he wants to know he still has a place here, but I am probably being a mom about that and he just doesn’t want an extra bed in his man cave.
Madeline Hunter on 03 Oct 2009 at 7:50 am #
Cail, your brother is where my son is– a boomerang kid, and it is tough. They do need to be off on their own. So I know this is a good thing.
My mom never let me see her regret that I was leaving. Except once. Like Trish, I was the youngest. And at my college graduation, my mother started crying. I mean really crying, uncontrollably, because her last one was really done now. My siblings and I circled her—-she was a short woman— to give her some privacy in that crowd of parents, and just let her have it out. My son probably feels like I did that day—sympathetic and touched, but excited about the independence and freedom even as I comforted her.
Madeline Hunter on 03 Oct 2009 at 7:55 am #
dbrown, what a nice surprise for your wedding! I can see how that would be an emotional moment.
Madeline Hunter on 03 Oct 2009 at 8:00 am #
Karen H–when kids go to college and live in dorms, somehow it isn’t as much of a “move out” as when they get an apartment like yours did. Altough I felt a lot like I do now when mine where brought to college. These are those turning point moments in life, when things change forever, I guess, and they have this huge impact. The kids are looking forward, full of plans. We can’t help but look back. I know I’ll be okay, but it is a good thing I have some work to do today to occupy my mind
Janae on 03 Oct 2009 at 8:58 am #
My kids are too young to have left home, but my dh and I have talked about what it’s going to be like when they leave. He seems to be looking forward to it, while I’m not no matter how difficult they’ve been so far.
When I left for college I was ready to leave. My mom was sure that I’d be the one who got homesick, but I never did. The truth was that I couldn’t wait to leave Montana and that small town behind. My mom was a mess when she dropped me off at the dorm, though. My first night in the dorm, I met some great girls, and we all went out to a club.
An intensely nostalgic moment or rather moments, would be when my children were born, and the first day they were both at school. It was weird to be home alone.
Julia London on 03 Oct 2009 at 9:12 am #
Cyber hugs, Madeline.
I was like you, couldn’t wait to go and never looked back. I have no idea if my parents missed me or not. They didn’t show it to me. They seemed really excited about me going off to college and never showed me. Now I am curious — I am going to have to ask. But I should point out I was number 3 and wasn’t the baby. So, you know, that middle child thing.
Judy F on 03 Oct 2009 at 9:51 am #
Hugs Madeline.
I was late in moving out of home. Almost 30. My dad and I were butting heads a lot, it was hard being an adult at home. Once I moved out our relationship got so much better. We would talk all the time.
I know it was really hard on my sister when her oldest moved out about 2 yrs ago. She thought Mike would be home till he got married. She said it was easier when her girls moved out for some reason but her son really threw her for a loop.
Gibb on 03 Oct 2009 at 10:39 am #
Hugs to you Madeline.
I have three girls and I dread the day. Right now they’re young and LOUD. Sometimes when the drama gets too loud, I want to pull my hair out BUT remind myself that in a few years time they’ll be out of the house and won’t run to me with their every little problem which is sad. The thought that childhood flies by helps me appreciate not only their wonderfulness when they’re good but also when they’re naughty.
B on 03 Oct 2009 at 12:52 pm #
Here in Brazil people don’t usually go away for College — or move out of their parents home until they’re much older — like, when they get married or engaged. It’s very common for people to live with their parents till they’re in their middle twenties, maybe older. There isn’t the society stigma that comes with ‘living with your parents’. It’s very normal — everyone does it. It doesn’t make you a loser as I’ve heard so many times when I was in the US, like “Wow, you’re 21 and you still live with your parents?”. It’s cultural, I suppose.
Anyway, I went to the US for a 5 month work experience program and I was so emotional and terrified. I was crying the whole night before, I cried at the airport. My mom? She didn’t let out a single tear. Not one. She didn’t cry later, either (I asked my brother). She’s not one to cry about these things — me, on the other hand, I cry about everything.
Though, she did say that at my first day at school, when I was like, 2, I waved her bye and ran inside without looking back and she did cry then! LOL
Gwynlyn MacKenzie on 03 Oct 2009 at 1:28 pm #
Madeline, he and you will be fine. Doesn’t seem like it, but you can trust me on this. You did your job, and because you love him, in your heart of hearts you know it’s time.
My boy and his wife live five minutes away, and he complains he saw and talked to us more when we lived several hours away, but like you, I know he’s entitled to his life and don’t want to be “THAT” mother. My DIL thinks I walk on water, btw, and I won’t be disabusing her any time soon. *G*
My girls moved in with young men—and believe me, they weren’t reared to that. The youngest picked up in May and took off to TEXAS with the LOSER she met over the internet. Problem? Youngest is now 28. She’s been heartsore since her fiance was killed in 2005, and not herself, so I worry because she’s so far away and all I can do is kiss her up to God. She’s not dumb. She’ll see him for what he is, and yours truly will be winging her way to the Lone Star State–with backup–but baby girl will be fine.
Letting them find their own way is about the hardest thing any parent has to do (I’m crying as I write this, pictures of cute babies running around in Super Hero underwear racing through my mind.)
Julia London on 03 Oct 2009 at 2:24 pm #
So I asked my mom today if she was sad when I moved away to college. She said, “oh, I’m sure I was.” I said, “Do you remember?” She said, “Heavens, no! That was so loooooooooong ago!”
I mean, really, she emphasized how long ago it was way too much.
Gwynlyn, where in Texas? You know Nancy G and Judy Patooty and I about have the state covered. Just sayin’
Karen Hawkins on 03 Oct 2009 at 2:33 pm #
Gwynlyn, you said it, m’dear! Letting go is hard, but you have to be proud of them for taking control of their own lives and making decisions, even ones you question. Hugs to you and your daughter. She’ll figure things out. Look at who raised her!
Julia, I hate the emphasis thing. My mother always looks slightly confused when I come home to visit. I need to send a picture ahead so she remembers which one I am. There are a LOT of us!
Gwynlyn MacKenzie on 03 Oct 2009 at 3:25 pm #
Julia, Thank you. She’s outside of Houston. A gal I know from the HHRW loop lives nearby and has offered to be there if Baby Girl needs to escape (that’s my biggest concern; she’ll wake up and have nowhere to go). I’m always amazed and humbled by the caring of my writer friends. Oh, and I, too, have selective memory when it comes to certain painful things, so don’t be too hard on your mom—somethings are, in truth, better left alone.
Karen, Thanks for the hugs and the encouragement. As the oldest of seven, I can empathize—Mom still starts at the bottom to get to me when she’s hollering for someone, but it doesn’t seem to matter where in the lineup we are, she does it to all of us!
Sabrina Jeffries on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:09 pm #
One day we will probably move Nick into a group home, but I’m dreading the day. We really need to do it, because he will not adjust well to his life being turned upside down at, say, the age of 50, when we die. We both know it’s better for him to make the adjustment when he’s young and we’re both alive, but it’s going to be hard. It’s hard not to have your baby (now 21) around. I enjoy having him around so much now. So I do sympathize completely, even though our situation is a little different.
Sabrina Jeffries on 03 Oct 2009 at 6:13 pm #
I should point out, however, that I left home at 18 to go to college and my parents lived halfway around the world. So they made their break then. I spent two summers at home, but that was all. After I turned twenty, I left home and didn’t go back–just because I really had no choice (those summers home were too expensive, considering that airfare to Thailand was $1200). My mom prepared us well for it, though. It wasn’t as hard as you’d think. I missed them, but I always knew I’d be leaving home for good (mostly) at 18, so it just seemed normal to me.
Pesky on 03 Oct 2009 at 9:35 pm #
>:D< They never forget their moms.
Kathleen O on 03 Oct 2009 at 10:22 pm #
I never went to collage out of town or moved away until I was 44yrs old.. I kidded everyone that I was finally running away from home.. All my friends and family laughed. But I was moving over an hour away by car from everyone I knew and loved.. big step for me.. I was doing okay until a couple of days before I was moving all of my gal pals got together and had a little going away party for me.. I wa a mess and then on the day of the move, my brother brought my 4yr old nephew over and he keep saying how much he was going to miss me and that he loved me.. Oh god I was balling like a baby.. Ihad to have my brother take him home. But it has been 7yrs now and I am very happy in my new home..
I can just imagine how difficult it would be to see a child go off to college or leave for parts unknown. But thank god for the electronic world where we can keep an eye on them…..