Open letter to Steve
Aug 19th 2009
Rachel GibsonOn Writing!
Mr. Steven Tyler,
I am writing this letter to let you know that I have loved you for more than thirty years. I have all your music and I wore out my original Dream On album. Even though I am not big on animal prints, it is okay with me that you wear cheetah pants and leopard shirts. I even like your silk scarves, even though Mr G says they’re “fruity.” I don’t listen to him because he wears Brooks Brothers and doesn’t have your obvious flair for fashion. He isn’t very PC either. Seeing you in concert was one of the biggest thrills of my life. I saved the confetti from that might and put in my special Plaza Hotel jar.
But Steven . . . how can I love you if you’re going around in public like this? Seriously, what happened? You are obviously having issues. I have so much Sweet Emotion for you. So please Stop Messin’ Around. You are my freebie. When Mr. G and I were picking out our one person in world that we could have sex with and not get divorced, I picked you, Steven. I could have chosen any number of men who would have been ecstatic to be my freebie. I could have picked Patrick Swayze, Johnny Depp or Billy Idol. Or that really cute guy at the store with the blue eyes. They were all serious contenders. Throughout the years, I could have switch my freebie. Mr. G has, but I’m more loyal than Mr. G. I stuck with you, Steven when I could have switched to Brad Pitt or Clive Owen. Then you go and start wearing the big bugged eyed glasses and looking like an anorexic praying mantis. Or worse, an Olsen twin. I can’t have sex with an anorexic praying mantis or Mary Kate. Not even if I close my eyes and think of Lenny Kravitz. So please Steven, just stop. Please go to rehab if you need too. And for the love of all that is good and holy, eat a sandwich. With lots of mayo.
Hugs and kisses. Your most loyal fan,
Rachel Gibson
50 Comments »
50 Responses to “Open letter to Steve”
Pesky on 19 Aug 2009 at 11:32 pm #
*patting Rachel on the head* There, there now. You’ll always have your slammin shoe collection and well he did warn you about what was coming. Need I remind you of Dude Looks Like A Lady?
I myself crushed on David Cassidy and Richard Chaimberlain and one is now a bad product of the 60’s and the second one well…*cough*…well he still looks FABULOUS! and his boyfriend thinks so too.
No one will think of you as a crush slut if you decide to move on, honest.
Pesky on 19 Aug 2009 at 11:37 pm #
BTW, that is just an all around BAD picture anyway. You couldn’t have photoshopped it to look any worse. Bug Glasses, Bad hair day and and wicked overbite. Looks like the DMV took this picture. You sure it’s him? You only have the word of the worlds worst photographer that it is indeed Mr. Tyler.
Archer on 19 Aug 2009 at 11:57 pm #
Axl Rose looks pretty scary too.
Janae on 20 Aug 2009 at 12:37 am #
LOL!! As a baby my daughter would stop crying and fall asleep to Dude Looks Like a Lady. We’d joke that she’d bring Steven Tyler home one day with him using a walker.
Margaret on 20 Aug 2009 at 3:31 am #
Isn’t he the one who fell off the stage recently and sustained some major injuries which has resulted in the Aerosmith tour being cancelled?
Sorry, he’s not my generation and I’m not into anorexic praying mantises. Mantesii? I think a good many of these old rockers look darned scary these days. Of course, Mick Jagger was born scary looking.
When Elvis first burst onto the scene, I was a teen and bought all his early records on Sun label. Wish I still had them. I could make a few $$$. I adored Eddie Fisher until he dumped Debbie Reynolds for Liz Taylor. He and Debbie were the Jolie/Pitt item of their day. And the scandal when he was getting it on with Liz was, er, scandalous. People blamed her for breaking up a storybook marriage. Nobody blamed him as I recall. To me, he was a cheating louse and didn’t improve with age.
But I digress. Old rockers are a scary-looking bunch. I think Mr. Tyler needs a whole jar of mayo on that sandwich.
Lisa H on 20 Aug 2009 at 5:33 am #
LOL!!!! Mantesii!!!!
I love Steven Tyler too, especially as his music reminds me of the Rockin’ Roller Coaster at MGM in Florida. Lots of fun memories with my 13 year old son on that ride.
Rachel, you are too funny.
Who was your husband’s freebie?
Judy F on 20 Aug 2009 at 5:34 am #
Yikes that is not a pretty picture is it?
I hope he gets his act back together for your future happiness sake Rachel.
Some rockers sure don’t age well do they?
I have a thing for Huey Lewis myself.
Lisa H on 20 Aug 2009 at 5:35 am #
Do you all remember when ST was on Two and a Half Men? That was hilarious!
Kelly Ann on 20 Aug 2009 at 5:37 am #
You are too funny Rachel! I’m sorry he is disappointing you – he does look like a bug. What is going on with him anyway? Everytime I see Steve Tylers picture I think he looks sick. I love his music too, though I wouldn’t sleep with him – it’s gotta be the long hair I don’t like. Now, you parade Sean Connery in front of me at any age and I will attack him!
evlqn on 20 Aug 2009 at 5:53 am #
Margaret you are so right about Mick Jagger,scary from birth. To celebrate the birth of our youngest son my husband took me to see the Stones a week later at the Santa Monica Civic. I was still feeling uncomfortable and moody and my clothes still didn’t fit right and nature’s milk bar had opened with a vengeance. Here I am sitting on HARD seats in a noisy, crowded place watching some guy I was not a fan of strut around a stage and my husband asks me how I like it. Of course we have to shout to make ourselves heard so I shout back,”It’s hard to like some guy who wears more makeup than me.” just as the music dies and all is quiet. DH played the just-had -a baby card to the irate seat mates.
Rachel my freebie is and always will be Sean Connery. I’m like you find a mad crush and stick with them. You might be okay in moving on to another freebie if he doesn’t snap out of this look.
Margaret on 20 Aug 2009 at 6:01 am #
LOL evlqn Is that the way it always is? A person shouts out something embarrassing just as the rest of the world goes silent.
Yes on Sean. He could be 102 and not wear his wig and he will still rev my motor. If my motor can still be revved, that is. I haven’t tested it lately. FROS don’t count.
Margaret on 20 Aug 2009 at 6:05 am #
Aha! I knew he was the one who fell. Here is what I read in Wikipedia
“On August 5, 2009 Steven fell sideways off the stage after attempting to spin in place during an Aerosmith concert near Sturgis, South Dakota, injuring his head, neck and breaking his shoulder. He had to be airlifted to Rapid City regional hospital. A doctor who attended to Steven after his fall said the singer’s vital signs were stable. He was said to be in good spirits at the time.”
Freshechelle on 20 Aug 2009 at 6:55 am #
When did Steven Tyler become a stay-at-home mom from Long Island?
dbrown3400 on 20 Aug 2009 at 6:56 am #
Margaret, he was probably ON good spirits at the time! Sorry Rachel.
dbrown3400 on 20 Aug 2009 at 7:00 am #
I’ve always liked Aerosmith’s music and have their songs in my collection. Too bad he had that nasty fall and is looking so anorexic. Kelly Ann, I wonder if some medical condition is to blame?
Rachel, I’ve had several star crushes and know how you feel.
LoriHandeland on 20 Aug 2009 at 7:11 am #
LOL! Great blog, Rachel. Needed a laugh today.
I love Steven too. wonder if that photo was taken when he got out of the hospital. Poor guy. Broken shoulder’s gotta sting.
dbrown3400 on 20 Aug 2009 at 7:25 am #
Rachel, I apologize for my earlier statement since Mr. Tyler has been clean and sober since 1986 according to Wikipedia.
Rachel Gibson on 20 Aug 2009 at 7:33 am #
The photo was taken when he was in a liquor store. He was posing with a fan. I cut the fan out of the photo. I know he fell and got hurt. So, why was he in a liquor store when you know he’s doped up? Doesn’t he have an assistant for that sort of thing?
Mr G’s freebie used to be Nicki Taylor. And you are all right. Old rockers don’t age well. Either they start looking scary like Steven and Mick and Keith Richards, or they get the bad plastic surgery and hair weave like Bret Michaels.
Julia London on 20 Aug 2009 at 7:40 am #
Are you sure it’s not Mary Kate? I really can’t tell the difference.
You know it’s bad when your daughter, who is gorgeous and fit, is about five times bigger than you are.
Fresh, HAHAHAAA…..
Tammy Faris on 20 Aug 2009 at 7:46 am #
Rachel, you are freakin hilarious! I knew that I already love you as an author, but now I wish we could go out for a drink! I’m sure you would be great to hang out with!!!!
Lisa H on 20 Aug 2009 at 7:53 am #
Are you saying the photo of the girl with the pig tails in the above post is Stephen Tyler???? Did he dye his hair blonde too? What guy wears pig tails???
Claudia Dain on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:00 am #
Rachel, hold on to your hat, but my hair stylist’s husband is Aerosmith’s guitar tech. He says (via my stylist when she’s painting on my color) that the Aerosmith guys are way cool, very nice to work with, and have a zero tolerance policy for drugs and alcohol. So between gigs, the Aerosmith crew go to movies together and have pizza nights. No throwing televisions through hotel windows. No underage babes in the elevator.
To conclude: Stephen Tyler was not drunk or high when he fell off the stage doing a simple catwalk turn. No, he was simply OLD. That man in the photo? Old rock star. Has anyone seen Rod Stewart lately?
Sherri Erwin on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:02 am #
He reminds me of Esther, the girl from Orphan, the summer horror movie. Just add glasses. Maybe he’s looking to be adopted by some unsuspecting family… Oh, Rachel, I’m so sorry but I think it’s time to move on. I’m not sure there’s any bouncing back from this. Might I suggest Jon Bon Jovi or perhaps the older Jonas Brother?
Claudia Dain on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:02 am #
Oh, and about Sean Connery, I threw him in a mental ditch and ran a large truck over him (repeatedly) when he said that a woman needs to be hit every now and again–it’s good for ‘em.
Becky on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:22 am #
Rachel, you crack me up. And I totally agree with you! Maybe I’ll just pretend I didn’t see it and go play Dream On again with my eyes closed….
Louisa Cornell on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:26 am #
Thanks for the morning laugh, Rachel! I am right there with you. I am a huge Aerosmith / Steven Tyler fan. And I have to agree with Claudia (so good to hear this from someone with an inside track) the reason the man fell off the stage is because he is 60 plus years old ! I’m 50 plus and I would have broken more than my shoulder had I fallen off that stage. I saw him in concert many times, the last time about ten years ago, and the man puts on a relentless show. Amazing.
Claudia, prepare for Rachel to attack you for Steven’s phone number!
However, if the man is looking that thin he really needs to come to my Mama’s and eat some peas, cornbread and chicken and dumplings. Trust me. He WILL gain weight the minute he walks in the door!
Cail on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:41 am #
it’s really interesting how rockers don’t age well! movie stars seem to do ok.
i have never really been able to settle on my ‘Freebie’ I’ve always been a fan of David Bowie, but he is quite a bit old for me.
Claudia, I’m with you on Sean Connery. I feel the same way about Mel Gibson too!
Kelly Ann on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:46 am #
Claudia, I’ve never heard that quote from Connery. Puts a whole new light on things doesn’t it? Is there a perfect man out there who can be our freebie that doesn’t have something wrong with them? I’m sick to my stomach now. I’ve had such a thing for Connery for so long, I feel cheated.
Ok, does anyone have anything besides drinking against John Wayne? I will just give up if so! Ha-ha!
Lori on 20 Aug 2009 at 8:59 am #
Thank you!! It’s getting scary. And can I say? Falling off the stage a couple weeks ago? While I’m sooooo glad he is going to be ok… what was he thinking? Dancing around like that – he was probably hypoglycemic. Now my concert has been cancelled, and my kids are not happy, and neither am I. If I can add something to this… AC/DC, if you read The Goddess Blogs? No Dancing on Stage (at least until after Labor Day). Do these guys all think they’re still 60 or something? Sheesh! LMAO!
amy1242 on 20 Aug 2009 at 9:08 am #
Fresh, you almost made me spit out my tea! Now my eyes are watering!
How can that picture actually be him? Maybe it was Halloween and he was dressing up like Mary Kate. Yup, that must be it.
I’ve never picked a freebie, but you ladies have me thinking now. I’ll give it further thought and let you know who I bestow this upon (lucky him).
Thanks for the great blog Rachel!
Julia London on 20 Aug 2009 at 9:19 am #
How funny — Walk This Way came up on my shuffle when I was out wogging this morning. Now it’s Walk the Other Way
Madeline Hunter on 20 Aug 2009 at 9:55 am #
Claudia, I really did not need to hear that Connery said that. sigh.
well, steve IS getting on in years. So many of them are. Actually, since Mick J always looked emaciated and scary, he is holding up better than most because at a basic level nothing has much changed.
Was it Grace Slick who retired and said there is a date when old rockers should hang it up? I am sort of inclined to agree, but to each his/her own. They may not feel old, but they sure as hell make ME feel old seeing some of them, LOL.
Suzanne Enoch on 20 Aug 2009 at 10:15 am #
Oh, Rachel, I feel for you. I’ve been in love with Harrison Ford since I was 12. I heard that he named his oldest boys Ben and Willard (yes, like the rat movies). I still loved him. He left his wife. (Still in love.) Got an earring. (Pretty much in love.) Dated women younger than his oldest boys (He’s a very attractive man). Made “Hollywood Homicide” (What the &*%$ was he thinking?). Married a stick MUCH younger than he was. (Oh, look, is that Johnny Depp?)
Rachel Gibson on 20 Aug 2009 at 10:16 am #
I’m not switching my freebie yet. I’m giving Steven a bit longer.
Cail–I’m a huge Bowie fan. Love him big time. I caught his concert a few years ago. So freaking wonderful. Almost as wonderful as seeing Steven.
Pesky on 20 Aug 2009 at 10:53 am #
Bowie…now there’s a man that aged well. Peter O’Toole…ancient…still a hottie. I think it’s the aging with dignity that does it. And probably a stylist that doesn’t allow them to wear bug glasses and pigtails.
elsiehogarth on 20 Aug 2009 at 11:15 am #
Rachel this is a great fan letter to Stephen Tyler. You are right, what do these people eat or why do they look like they haven’t had a meal in years.
Another example is Mickey Rourke, he’s really scarry looking and he’s only 56. Also Ronnie Wood, from the Rolling Stones, he’s 61 and his new girlfriend is 21. Give me a break. Aren’t there enough women in the world that a 60 year old has to go out with a 21 year old? What I can’t stand is the fact that it’s ok for a man to literally rob the cradle but not for a woman because that makes her a Cougar. I guess men don’t realize that a man who goes out with a much younger women is actually called a Dingo.
Suzanne, I agree with everything you said about Harrison Ford. I loved him until he hooked up with the stick figure. Now, it’s Jason Stratham all the way with a little for Channing Tatum.
kay on 20 Aug 2009 at 11:25 am #
I have to admit that Steven Tyler was at one time on my Sexy-Ugly Guy list, however, I always thought his mouth was awfully big. Not the lips, but the mouth cavity, like one of those Muppets, I just couldn’t see my mouth opening up far enough for a kiss, so, after awhile he became less sexy and I was just fascinated to watch that rubbery mouth move.
Claudia Dain on 20 Aug 2009 at 11:50 am #
Kelly Ann, John Wayne drank??? I never knew that. I mean, I knew he drank, the way they all did back then, Bogart, Holden, Mitchum, etc…men doing man things and drinking while they did it. But he had a drinking “problem?” I hadn’t heard a word.
Karen Rose on 20 Aug 2009 at 11:52 am #
Y’all are making me laugh. Thank you!
Mr. G wears Brooks Brothers? I’ve always had a thing for suits. Mr. R is most comfortable in this hideous shirt with a cartoon monster with his brain shooting out of his head. I hate that shirt. Mr. R only wears it because he knows I hate it. But he won’t wear Brooks Brothers
Julia London on 20 Aug 2009 at 12:19 pm #
Jack London thinks steel-toed workboots are work, casual, and evening wear for feet. I kid you not. He loves those things and looks like Hermann Munster in them.
Madeline Hunter on 20 Aug 2009 at 12:25 pm #
Karen R
I have always had a thing for suits too, and was very sad when the three piece suit disappeared. I think waistcoats (vests) are sexy.
Rachel Gibson on 20 Aug 2009 at 12:41 pm #
Mr G used to wear suits to work. Now he just wears dress shirt and pants and a tie. One of the first time I recall seeing him, he was wearing a blue and white Brooks Brothers shirt and Levis. This was like around the time we graduated from High School. I thought he was a nerd.
Margaret on 20 Aug 2009 at 1:28 pm #
Well, Pesky, John Wayne took up chewing tobacco after he had a major bout with lung cancer. I was so revolted when I first read that he took up the yucky habit. I couldn’t/can’t stand watching somebody chew & spit. Then or now. If you can overlook that unfortunately thing, he can be your freebie.
Lisa H on 20 Aug 2009 at 2:17 pm #
Quick topic change for one minute!!!!!
I just finished “Don’t Tempt the Devil” last night, it was superb! Great plot and even better characters. Then I picked up Julia’s “Summer of Two Wishes” and got sucked right in. Oh man, not for the faint of heart. What a spellbinding read…
Just wanted to say, if you haven’t read either of these, I highly recommend them both!!!!
Kelly Ann on 20 Aug 2009 at 2:23 pm #
Claudia, I had read a book by someone who claimed to have known Sexy Mr. Wayne (not sure I believed him and it was soooo very boring). I’m not saying he was an alcoholic, I’m just not sure about it, but I’ve heard rumors saying he never was without a drink in his hand. I would have loved to have been his stir straw!
Margaret, there is always mouth wash for a man like John Wayne. Otherwise, I have to agree with you that it’s a nasty habit!
Rebecca J. Clark on 20 Aug 2009 at 3:19 pm #
I would never have guessed that photo was of ST. It looks like an elderly and anorexic Kiera Sedgewick. Or ST’s elderly and anorexic grandmother. Very scary, very sad. Although, I can honestly say ST never did it for me, even in his more attractive days.
Ellen on 20 Aug 2009 at 3:37 pm #
Got here late…but what a great laugh. gotta run to pick up the hubby…
er…he’s an attorney and wears suits every day.
Karen Hawkins on 20 Aug 2009 at 6:10 pm #
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Rachel, you made me chuckled like a chimp! Thanks for the laugh!
I’ve always loved him in the video Rag Doll, which he shot in my college town of Johnson City, TN and all of those sorority girls who come running out of their houses as he drives by, got in BIG trouble with their national offices for participating. Of course, they didn’t care — they had a great time, got to be in a music video, and got to meet Steven Frickin’ Tyler.
Btw, isn’t his daughter, Liv, just gorgeous?
gibb on 20 Aug 2009 at 6:54 pm #
Very funny Rachel. I love Aerosmith but ST wouldn’t be my freebie. I reserve that spot for Channing Tatum – smokin’ hot.
Jo D on 30 Aug 2009 at 12:16 pm #
Rachel, you’re one of my fave writers and this letter shows why! steven rox my world too and when i had the good fortune to meet him, he did not disappoint. he’s had a rough year so hopefully he’s eating a big bowl of ice cream right now and reading this blog! keep writing and rocking it!