Yep, Wed Him Before You Bed Him comes out today, the culmination of the longest fictional romance I’ve ever maintained. If you’re curious to read the letters in order before you get the book, I’ve got them up on my site.  You can also vote for who you think Cousin Michael is and who you would LIKE him to be. I confess that I really like the title, even though many of my characters … er … don’t heed its advice.

So what is the best romance title you’ve ever heard? What was the worst? Did you ever buy a book JUST for the title? And what was the title that LEAST fit the book it was for?

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Anyone remember the television show with Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby?  I wish they’d bring it back.  Although my kids are too old to be on it anymore, they sure did say the darndest things.

I have a notebook where I write down the good lines, and I’ve used several in books.  For instance, at the age of 4, #1 son asked, “Can I say ‘aw shucks!’?”

Mom-Sure, that’s okay.

Son–”Aw shucks.  What the hell is this?”

And another family fave-”When my mommy went to the hospital I was supposed to get a baby brother.  But they gave us Alex instead.”

#2 son has always been a laugh and a half–still is.   At 6, in response to my yelling at the dog, he said, “Mom, why do you yell at Jake?  He doesn’t understand.  All he knows is the truth.”

If that ain’t the perfect description of a dog, I don’t know what is,

In response to his dad’s question, “Do you think before you talk?” he replied, “I can’t.  Otherwise I’d be a slow talker.”

He slays me.

Have any of the kids you’ve been around said the darndest things?  I know they have!  Let’s hear them!

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Here we are, packed and sitting in our plane, settling in for yet another leg of our International FROS tour when THIS man comes onto our plane!

Followed by THIS man!

Quickly followed by THESE men!

IT’S A RAID! But never fear, my beloved FROS companions! I know my responsibilities as your fearless FROS leader. “YOOHOO! Mr. SWAT Raider! Search me! No, really, SEARCH ME!”

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Garbo was on to something. Used to be that I could write while my kids were playing, watching movies, even talking to me.  Not so much anymore.  I need an empty house.  But the kind of alone time I’m talking about is alone time not spent on work and that is so rare it’s golden. This weekend I’m getting some.  My sons went with their father to our cabin for a Father’s Day weekend of male bonding.  Yee, ha!!  I am alone.

Except for the dog.  But this is what he looks like in the morning:

And this is what he does in the afternoon:

So we’re good.

I’m between contracts so right now all the alone time is fun time.  I plan to lie on the couch and read with the TV controller in MY hot little hand.  I will watch chick flicks.  I will eat “stuff” whenever I’m hungry.  I will drink wine from my very best glasses.

I will sleep late or maybe get up early.  I will take naps.  I will go bed late or perhaps when the sun is still up.

I will lay in the sun (if there is any).  I will go to a movie at the theater by myself and eat ALL the popcorn.

I will make expensive coffee and drink it on the back porch as the sun rises, or perhaps as the sun sets.

I will go to the bookstore and stay there as long as I want and buy whatever I see or perhaps nothing at all.

I will wear my pajamas all day and NO bra.  I will go barefoot. 

When I leave the house I will wear a Mumu and put my hair in a ponytail and wear flip-flops (wait, I already do that).

And when Sunday comes, I’ll be at the window, waiting for them all to come home.  Because the best part of alone is when you aren’t anymore.

What do you do if you get precious time alone?  Naked street dancing?  Cat herding?  Vegging in bed?  Reading one book after another from your TBR pile?

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Years ago, my favorite cereal was Raisins Rice and Rye. I liked it. A lot. But just around the time I got hooked on it, Kellogg’s discontinued it. Now it’s not available anywhere. And I’ve given up on eating cereal for breakfast.

This, I’m afraid, is the story of my life. Every time I fall in love with something, it stops being made. I am the kiss of death to products. When everyone was buying VHS recorders, hubby and I were buying Betamax. My first computer wasn’t an Apple or a Microsoft machine, but a Kaypro 2X, which used a CP/M operating system. My first word processing program was Wordstar, which I loved. Both Wordstar and CP/M lost the battle to remain viable in the market, and I was forced to buy a PC like everyone else. Sigh. 

The list of products I miss is endless (and mostly food-related). Did you ever eat Healthy Choice hot dogs? We bought them by the ton for my autistic son, whose only protein sources are hot dogs and cheese. One day they were changed to something called Healthy Ones. That should have told me something. Last year they disappeared completely, but at least Oscar Mayer came out with a hot dog that was similar (do I sense a conspiracy here?). Others of my products were not so lucky. Last year I got hooked on Jello Sugarfree Chocolate Mint pudding. This year, it’s gone, and none of the other flavors taste nearly as good … ack!

Years ago, one of our local groceries had the best ice cream I’ve ever tasted. It was called Crackle or something, and it had these long cords of hard chocolate in it that melted whenever they crunched up in your mouth. The peanut butter flavor with chocolate “crackles” was SUCH good ice cream. And now it’s gone forever. I managed to stockpile refills for my favorite Personal Touch razor before they vanished, and those might last me a few more years, but eventually I will have to switch to the Quattro. I don’t like the Quattro!

I miss my products! And there’s not a blasted thing I can do about it.

So what about you? What were your favorite products of yore that are now “discontinued”? Did you ever find a suitable replacement? Or were you, like me, doomed to remember the good old days and suffer?

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Last week, the Weekend Edition Sunday had this story:

In 1993, President Clinton was giving a news conference when someone mentioned that a certain Air Force official had criticized him. “How could he say that about me?” Clinton responded. “He doesn’t know me from Adam’s off ox.”

The first volume of the DARE was released in 1975, with additional volumes following in time. But the final volume still had not been published by the time of Cassidy’s death in 2000, and the linguist’s tombstone reads, “On to Z!”

Frankly, I find regional expressions fascinating. After all, I grew up around so many of them. I’ve heard of Adam’s off ox, as well as some of the following:

elbedritsch — An imaginary creature which, as a practical joke, a greenhorn is sent to hunt or capture. (Usage: Southeast Pennsylvania)

flannel cake — A pancake. (Usage: Appalachians)

flea in one’s ear — A hint, warning, disquieting disclosure; a rebuke. (Usage: chiefly the Northeast)

hell-for-leather — At top speed, in great haste. (Usage: scattered, but especially the West Coast)

honeyfuggle — To swindle or dupe; to intend to cheat or trick. (Usage: scattered)

hookem-snivey — Deceitful, sneaky. (Usage: scattered)

Lucy Bowles — Diarrhea; loose bowels. (Usage: scattered, but especially Pennsylvania, New Jersey and southeast New York)

mulligrubs — A condition of despondency or ill temper; a vague or imaginary unwellness. (Usage: scattered, but especially the South)

nebby — Snoopy, inquisitive. (Usage: chiefly Pennsylvania)

pungle — To shell out; to plunk down (money); to pay up. (Usage: chiefly West)

rantum scoot — An outing with no definite destination (Usage: scattered)

roller bird — blue jay (Usage: In the vicinity of Dothan, Ala., bluejays are often called “roller birds” because when chinaberries are ripe, the birds sit in the trees and gorge themselves until they grow drunk. Then they tumble out of the trees and roll on the ground, and the cats creep out and eat them.)

say-so — An ice-cream cone. (Usage: scattered)

One of my grandmother’s favorite ways to say she was surprised was to exclaim, “Well, if that don’t beat a granny’s knickers!”

When I was younger, I didn’t know what knickers were and I was afraid to ask. I’m sorta glad I didn’t.

Does anyone in your family used regional phrasing? Are there any you’re particularly fond of? Have you ever moved to a new part of the country and found regional phrases confusing? Would you have asked your granny what ‘knickers’ were when you were only knee high to a gnat?

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I received a new book yesterday – What the Victorians Didn’t Do for Us, by Beatrice Hemsworth. It’s fascinating and horrifying all at the same time, discussing how unruly children in the schoolroom could be forced to sit with a log strapped to their shoulders, all the way to the discovery in 1872 that rum and beer contained strychnine.

The most interesting section was on cures for ailments. I remember my great-grandmother recommending butter for burns, but yeesh! Here are some of them:

Warts – rub half an apple on the bump and it will fall off in a few days. For facial warts, drink elderberry juice

Ague (fever & chills) – hold the feet of a dead chicken against your body

Whooping Cough – bring the sufferer to an open field at sunset and “gently” put their head in a hole

Teething – hang a dead mole’s foot around the baby’s neck

Baldness – rub an onion on the head

Do you have any old family remedies that do or don’t work? Any of those old wives’ tales?

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