I like to be in charge. Why? Because I know how to get things done.

Oh yes. I know.

Want to know how to get spaghetti stains out of white satin?

I did it. In fact, I did it twice.

Need to find a way to work full-time, take care of two kids, and take a full load of classes while getting an advanced degree?

I’ve done it.

The economy?

Got a pencil? I have a plan and I know it’ll work. Obama just dreams he’d gotten to me before Pocket Books came calling.

Now when I say I like to be in charge, I mean I REALLY like to be in charge. All of the time, too. Or, if not, then at least while I’m awake.

Sometimes, just for fun, I write up Karen Kommandments, Rules That Would Make Life Better For Us All.

For example, Karen Kommandment #6) If you have anythingeth to sayeth to thy worker/friend/partner/other, then do so nicely and withouteth so much fusseth. For they who doth speakest in a confused little whisper are nevereth heardeth or understandeth.

Two rules of thumb for communication — 1) Be nice, and 2) Keep it simple. Anything beyond that and you’ve moved past communication and into the realm of ‘emotional drama.’

Is that so hard?

How about #3) Do not calleth each other by cutsey nicknames whilst I’m nearby and may, perhaps, have a queasy stomacheth. While you find it cute to calleth each other “Wub” and “Bubby,” I doeth not.

At all.

Just for jollies (and because I’m in total control of this blog) here’s Karen Kommandment #9) Do not speaketh upon they cell phone whilst simultaneously wiping thy child’s chin and also backing thy four-door diesel pick-up into a space at the mall. I willeth puree you like creamed spinach and willeth spit uponeth your headeth.

No kidding, but I saw a woman doing this — phone clenched between her neck and shoulder, one hand wiping ice cream from her screaming kid’s chin, and the other on the wheel of a HUGE pick-up truck. I saw her, but she didn’t see me.

I should get the check any day now.

If you could write a new Kommandment right now, what would it be? And don’t you wish YOU were in charge of the world, too?

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I am suffering from consumer overload. I think we all are. Not to mention that in this economy most of us are not interested in taking any chances with our precious dollars.

We all use word of mouth on books and authors, but  I am always looking for word-of-mouth recs on products of all kinds. I never ignore a friend’s advice that begins “You gotta try this new_________.”  Or “I swear by___________.” Or “Trust me, this__________ will work.”

Actually, it is rare for me to try something new unless it has been recommended. I guess that make me a cowardly consumer, and a marketing manager’s worst nightmare. But once I am a convert, I convert others.

Just recently someone gave me an over-the-counter medication to help me sleep. Tylenol PM, if you want to know. I was out for a solid 9 hours and woke up refreshed and raring to go. No side effects and no morning drowsiness and no danger of becoming dependent.

Some years ago I followed a rec and bought a pair of fisherman sandals called 4Gives. I ended up converting about ten other women to these shoes, including a stranger who sat next to me on an airplane.

So let’s dish, ladies. Share your endorsements so the rest of us are not helpless when we venture into our over-stuffed marketplace.

What new items have you tried and would recommend? Anything at all qualifies—cleaning product, makeup, medicine, food,—- whatever worked for you.

What Web site for shopping have you discovered that you go to frequently now?

What old stand-bys do you swear by so much that you don’t even bother trying alternatives?

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From Toulouse, France comes today’s For Refreshment Only Sunday candidate, Olivier Herranz!

A day without French Fros is a day without sunshine.

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I am at that hideous age. The age where I look down at a part of my body and see a gigantic, purple bruise and have no idea how I got it. I have one right now. It’s the size of golf ball; it’s on the back of my left hand; it’s greenish purple and yellow.

I do not remember any sort of near fatal accident regarding my hand.

This happens to me all the time now. I feel pain. I look around, and then I see a monumental bruise. Anything that big had to hurt, right?  Why didn’t I feel it at the time? Why can’t I remember it?

Am I (gasp) a leper?

I remember looking at my really, really, REALLY old grandparents. They always seemed to be sporting some bruise that they couldn’t explain and didn’t seem especially bothered about. It freaked me out then and it freaks me out now. It’s happening to me! I am at the ‘covered in mystery bruises’ stage of life!

Will I cut off a finger while chopping onions and be unaware of it until I pass out from blood loss? Will I catch my foot in the car door and drive down the road, dragging my foot along the pavement, stunned that my jeans are soaked in blood? What’s next? Poking out my eye while blow-drying my hair?

Anybody else out there with unexplained injuries? Any accidents, near fatal or otherwise, you want to trot out for us to oooh and ahhh over?

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What did we do before the Internet?

I know I was lonelier.  I have so many friends on the Internet who are only a click of the mouse away.  

I didn’t have The Goddess Blogs to check in on several times a day, with interesting people saying really interesting things.  It’s as if we were all meeting for lunch and talking for hours.  

And there’s Facebook, which I only just got hooked on.  There I can meet all sorts of new people and reconnect with those I haven’t seen or heard from in years.

Before the Internet, I was busier.  Because I had to do research at the library and read through books looking for the answers to bizarre questions like: 

How big is a Bowie knife?

How do you kill an incubus?

What’s the nearest airport to the Black Hills and is there a flight to New Orleans from it?

I also had to troll the bookstores for obscure research books, instead of finding the perfect one by typing things like Encyclopedia of Demons and Doomsday for Dummies  into a search engine.

And books could never answer the question:

What does a Haitian accent sound like?

I spent more time shopping–although that’s not necessarily a bad thing–instead of clicking on Zappos for my new pink Yellow Box flip flops.               (Which I found last month after Rachel reminded me of my Zappos obsession.)

I had to watch TV news or read the paper for information.  If I needed an obituary, I had to keep reading the paper until it showed up instead of typing in the deceased’s name and voila–finding the date, time and location of the funeral.

I was bored on occasion.  I couldn’t find adorable photos on google.  Like this one:

I couldn’t find any book I wanted on Amazon.com  

I couldn’t discover with the click of a few keys what Robert Pattinson had been up to lately.

Or what DVDs would be out soon.  Or what movies had gone into production.

I love the Internet for all these reasons and more. 

Tell me, what are some of your favorite things about the Internet?  

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I have a killer migraine and so I’m going to blog a short public service announcement and I hope it’s coherent.

Did you know that March is national chronic fatigue syndrome awareness month, national colorectal cancer awareness month, national eye donor month and national kidney month? March is kind of crowded but I think there is room for one more cause.

National mustache awareness month.

During the month of March, I think every woman should set a day aside to wax her top lip. I know you are all beautiful and don’t have mustaches. Do it anyway. Seriously. Sally Hansen’s microwavable face wax is only 7 bucks at Walgreen’s. Go buy a pot, spoon it above your top lip, wait until it cools and rip. Really, you’ll feel better about yourself and I won’t have to stare at the hairs above your lip. It’s distracting for people like me who have the attention spans of two-year-olds. You could be telling me the most juicy piece of gossip, like author x just got busted for keeping ghost writers chained up in her basement cranking out bestsellers, and I’m not listening. I’m staring at your mustache.

So please, like Mr. Miyagi says, “Wax on. Wax off.”

Update: Don’t use the Brazilian bikini sugar wax on her face. It doesn’t work. Not that I would know.

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I have trouble sleeping. I always go to bed on time, but by 4 a.m. I am usually up and awake. Needless to say, I read everything I can about sleeping. It’s important! It’s necessary! But darned if it isn’t also elusive.

Anyway, when I couldn’t sleep last night, I read this article on MSN Lifestyle and found it interesting so I’m sharing it with you. The Nestperts who wrote this piece are Evany Thomas, author of The Secret Language of Sleep; Patti Wood, body language expert and I want to give them full credit.

So thanks, Evany and Patti!

There, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to us . . . because here on the Mount, it’s alllll about us, us, US!

The question is: How do you (and your partner) sleep and what does it say about you? If you don’t have a partner right now, never fear, because there’s a segment below that looks at the type of sleeper you may ‘match’ with!

The Football
What It Is: Both on your sides, facing each other, with one foot touching
What It Means: Having just one foot touching is more than enough contact for Footballers, who don’t need 24/7 TLC to feel close. You both have jam-packed schedules … and love it! Sure, you don’t spend as much quality time with each other as you’d like, but that makes those rare moments together special.
Quirks & Perks: A lazy Sunday is just about your worst nightmare. You’d much rather wake up early, go for a power run together, and check out that new brunch place your (many) friends have been telling you about.

Classic Spoon
What It Is: Full front-to-back contact, with one person tucked into the other — you know, spooning.
What It Means: Lying like this shows you have a pure outlook on your relationship and take on more traditional roles. The person on the outside likes to feel as if they can shield the other from problems, while the person on the inside is sensitive and doesn’t mind not being in control. Classic Spooners are extremely supportive and never go to bed angry.
Quirks & Perks: Spooners are all about comfort — and comfort foods. You both love digging into apple pie, meatloaf, and pretty much anything that’s warm, gooey, and generally not good for you.

Tetherball
What It Is: One of you on your back with a single hand on the other person
What It Means: You’re independent but also willing to compromise. You disagree on politics, religion, and how the toilet seat should be left, but love finding common ground.
Quirks & Perks: Romantic dinners can often turn into heated talks for you debater-types. Luckily, nothing turns you on more than a glass of wine and some hot back-and-forth.

Cliff-Hangers
What It Is: Sleeping on opposite sides of the bed with your backs to each other
What It Means: Getting shut-eye in this position can simply mean you’re practical (hey, there’s plenty of room in that big bed) and like your leg room, but it may also signal a bit of distance in your relationship.
Quirks & Perks: You like art. He likes sports. You’re a vegetarian. He puts bacon on everything. You drive a hybrid. He drives a Hummer. You’re total opposites, but you also truly appreciate all of each other’s differences … and each other’s personal space.

Solo Sleep Styles
Snooze differently than your significant other? Here’s what your pose means.

The Spaghetti Noodle
You sleep on your side with your arms out and are very mellow.
Pairs with: The Soldier. You’re so go-with-the-flow, you need a little structure!

The Crab
You lie face-down, like you’re making out with your pillow, and you tend to be stubborn.
Pairs with: The Spaghetti Noodle. Let’s face it: You need someone loose enough to bend around you.

The Soldier
You sleep on your back with your arms at your sides. Type A much?
Pairs with: The Womb. A Womb sleeper’s softness will soothe your rigid side.

The Womb
You curl up and are as thoughtful as you are cozy.
Pairs with: The Crab. You sleep in a tiny ball, and lucky for you, a Crab isn’t into all-night snuggling.

So? Are you a Crab? A Spooner? Or a go-with-the-flow Spaghetti Noodle? And do you think the way a person sleeps can reveal something about their personality?

P.S. If any of you are near Leesburg, Florida, I’ll be speaking at the Leesburg Library tomorrow for the Lake County Festival of Reading. It’s a lovely brunch and includes mimosas! I don’t know how well I’ll speak after my allotted (I hope) six or seven mimosas, but hey, you can find out if you drop by!

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