Don’t Tase Me Bro
Apr 24th 2008
RachelGGoddess Readers Speak Out
I don’t know about you all, but I want a Taser gun. I want to carry it in a holster strapped to my hip like John Wayne.
Okay, so maybe people shouldn’t be allowed to run around Tasering each other, but I swear to God some people need a good Tasering. I was at Panda Express last night and the woman in line in front of me insisted on tasting a sample of everything on the menu before she could decide what she wanted to order. If I’d had my trusty Taser, I would have zapped her, stepped over her flailing body, and ordered my Kung Pao Chicken. I’d have been in and out of there in five minutes.
I’ve made a list of people who need Tasing
1) People who sit through green lights
2) People who cut in line
3) Jim Carrey for subjecting me to The Mask and The Cable Guy
4) People who act deaf when their children scream in the grocery store
5) The neighbor’s dog for crap in my front yard all the time and the neighbor for letting him
Who or what would you Tase? Or are you a lover not a fighter?
83 Comments »
KariE on 24 Apr 2008 at 7:50 am #
1.) My dh. Not all the time. Just evey once in a while we need a little spark brought back into the marriage.
2.) My neighbors dog. The darn thing wont shut up!
3.) My b-i-l. For personal reasons. He needs a tase is a good spot. Those who know him know it’s justified.
4.) My dad. Just to remind him that he has a middle daughter.
Overall I’m a lover but ther are sometimes the fighter in me creaps it’s ugly little had out. What’s a girl to do?
(I have a feeling that I will be adding to this list before the day is done)
As to your #5 Rachel, I saw a sign once that said “Here lies the last dog that pooped in my yard”. It was in the sape of a headstone. I think the message was clear.
Karen Hawkins on 24 Apr 2008 at 7:59 am #
Rachel, I’m with you. I think we should all be issued a taser as soon as we show we’re mature adults. They can revoke it if we tase a Good Guy.
I’m a Taser-er, for sure. You have some good ones on you list!
I’d also tase
1) the people who cut off other people while driving because they’re too darn busy yapping on their cell phones and twiddling with their ipod/radios/gps. ZZZAAAAP!
2) my neighbor who got a synthetic drum set for his birthday last week. ZZZZZAAAAP!
3) my ‘almost-18-years-old’ (his words, not mine) son when he starts his Teen Arguing Marathon after a simple request to oh, you know, take out the trash or mow the lawn. I wouldn’t tase him for long, of course, but enough to let him know I’m armed with The Pain Machine and not afraid to use it. ZAP!
And I applaud Kari for wanting to use her taser for good to ‘bring a little spark’ back into her marriage. I never thought of it, but hey, I could see it working.
Kim on 24 Apr 2008 at 7:59 am #
Oh Rachel, I’m positive I just fell head over heels in love with you! Will you marry me??
1. My dh for letting my cat slip out last night and now the little baby is gone. *sob*
2. The woman at the beauty salon yesterday who subjected her grandson to an unnecessary haircut while he screamed himself purple. Seriously? Was it worth it? I think not.
3. All rude customer service people. Especially the woman at Wendy’s who stood there chatting about fries while I wanted to place my order and the jerk at Cici’s who thought refilling the salad bar was more important than letting me pay for my order. Geez!
4. Stephen King for making The Mist.
Susan M on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:11 am #
Good topic….Karen agree with you on the people who cut you off. That makes me so mad!!!!!
1) my DH…yes I know I’ve only been married for a week and a half. But he really needs it. If he tells me how to drive ONE MORE TIME I swear…zaaaapppppp!!!!!!!!!
2) People who ride right on my bumper. Ticks me off!
I know there is more but I can’t think of them right now.
Karen Rose on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:30 am #
Oh, Rachel, the list is too long. Curiously I can’t think of anyone right now, though. I don’t think I’ve been really annoyed for a few days. Must be the jetlag, LOL.
And I’m with you on Jim Carrey. He was good in The Truman Show, though.
Oh, wait, I know. How about the cable company who is fighting to erect a 150 foot flag pole with cable tower inside that will be 300 feet from my back yard?
I can be a fighter when I need to be. But mostly I’m a lover. I get out a lot of my need to tase by killing off people in my books, LOL. Who? I’ll never tell, even if you tase me.
Karen Rose on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:31 am #
Kim, I hope you find your cat!
Kelly Ann on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:32 am #
I have to tell you when I read you’re topic this morning I started laughing hysterially. A few weeks ago my best friend tased her husband because he wouldn’t stop arguing with her. She just reached over with her taser and hit him right in the stomach giving him quite a jolt. It shut him up that’s for sure. (Don’t feel sorry for him, he’s a nag) I applaud her and all those who own a tase and aren’t afraid to use it! Ha-ha!
My list is too long to place here of who I would tase and why. It’s probably why I don’t own one, the power I would have would go straight to my head! ha-ha!
elsiehogarth on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:37 am #
1. People on cell phones who think I want to hear their whole life story-any where at any time.
2. While you are standing outside a store-waiting for it to open-every person that comes up sees you there and still pulls at the door to get in.
3. In New Jersey, it’s against the law to be on your hand held cell phone-zap all those still using them and the ones texting while driving.
4. People, at church, that don’t shut off their cell phones-some times it’s like hearing chimes with all the different ring tones.
doglady on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:42 am #
ROFLMAO Rachel! I need this!
Kim I hope your kitty comes home. Put some food out.
(1) Oh yes, the people that let their kids scream for TWO hours at Wal-Mart and act like it is NOT happening.
(2) My store co manager for expecting me to participate in HIS nervous breakdown when HIS boss visits the store.
(3) People who work under me who expect me to do their job and mine.
(4) Anyone who drives and talks on their cell phone. Anyone!
(5) Anyone who is cruel to animals. They get a slap on the wrist in Alabama.
(6) Owners who DON’T train their pets which makes their neighbors hate the poor dogs when it is really the owner who needs to be TASED to death!
(7) People who wear clothes 2 or more sizes too small and expose us to a view that should be considered cruel and unusual punishment!
Freshechelle on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:45 am #
1st, We’ll need rules for who can and can’t carry. Can’t have taserees tasing back. I must have the upper hand. (Oh, Rachel, what a satisfying topic. You rule.)
Folks to be tased include -
1) everyone who drives slowly including those who slow down for green lights and intersections when they DON’T have the stop sign and of course, those who don’t pass in the passing lane. It’s not a fast lane, doing the speed limit won’t cut it, get out of my way.
2) that family of 4 on the bus this morning who talked at a volume used
by Broadway actors. Hey, I’m reading a book here. Inside voices, you chimps.
3) neurotic friends who obsess about their age, their age compared to others, their looks, their looks compared to others, their weight, their weight compared to others, whether or not what they said in an authentic, well deserved outburst was appropriate to say. Who cares? Not me as I’ve expressed a lot.
I have a feeling I’ll be back for a few more dips in this pool.
Margaret on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:48 am #
I can get a personal taser? Oh my! I need one. Rachel, I think the taser idea runs along the lines of my wishing I had a tank so I could run over other drivers who do stupid stuff. I could be busy all day. Zap! Squash! Zap!
1. People who rush to turn onto the highway before you get to them. Then proceed to putter along like a Sunday driver. Squash!
2. Anybody who has a car with those %@$^ new blue headlights that blind me at night. They may be great from your side but not mine. Squash!
3. Drivers who turn on their fog lights on a perfectly clear night. Especially high rise pickup so that the fog lights shine directly into my eyes. Zap!
4. Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler in anything. And others like them. Zap!
5. Howard Stern on general principals. Squash!
6. Any politician who’s been in PA lately. Specifically, Lancaster County clogging up my highways. Zap! Squash! Zap again just to be sure!
This is my short list. LOL
Margaret on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:55 am #
I vote for your list, doglady. Except the kids at Walmart don’t bother me. It’s the ones in restaurants that get me. Zaps for both oblivious parents.
OTOH, parent at Walmart (or any store) who let their kids run wild. Many of them armed with pint sized shopping carts. All the better to sever my Achilles tendons.
Parents who don’t discipline their child when he/she is rude to an adult. Or hits them. A tank and a taser might not be enough here. Torpedoes are sounding good.
I thought I was a lover. Apparently not.
cail on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:56 am #
oh what fun!
people who speed up going to red lights. you will not get there faster…
1) the tourists who stop mid stride during rush hour to look up at the very tall buildings. ZAP
2) the tourists who hold hands 5 across the sidewalk during rush hour. ZAP
3) the person who insists on holding the subway door open for their slow going friends to make it down the stairs, into the station and onto the platform, thus clogging up the entire subway line with delays.
4) the people who think it is a good idea to cross the street when there is oncoming traffic in both directions.
5) the auto answer programs on the phone that do not let you press 0 for an operator
6) the crazy cat lady who lives next door to me and treats her animals very poorly and has created a fire hazard out of her building.
7) people who tailgate
ok can you tell i’ve just about had it with this city?
cail on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:58 am #
doglady, i completely entirely agree with your #7. I HATE when ppl have rolls hangout out of the bottom of their shirts above their jeans. that is why clothes are made in many different sizes. may you be a size 4 or a 14, getting the 0/2 or the 10/12 is a bad idea no matter what.
cail on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:59 am #
my smiley face with glasses
should be a 8.
Margaret on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:00 am #
When someone cuts in line, have you ever stepped up and reminded them, at taser point, that you and all these other nice people were there first? Do you ever jump up and tell the clerk that you are before this piece of offal? I have. W/o using an offensive word like offal, of course. It’s amazing how a line cutter will back down and act like they didn’t realize the line didn’t end in front of you. I must look scary because the clerk will always take me next.
TG line jumpers don’t cross my path too often as I’m really not a confrontational sort of person.
Kim, I hope your baby comes home soon. Put food out. Do you live in a rural or urban area? My fingers are crossed for you. Zap DH!!!!
Wanna borrow my tank?
Freshechelle on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:02 am #
cail, it’s toughing coming back to NY after a peaceful vacation, ain’t it?
My favorite rant to my friends as we slog thru traffic in a cab everyday is “You know what I love about New York? I’ll let you know when I think of something.”
Claudia Dain on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:05 am #
This reminds me of when DH and I were both school teachers, middle school and high school grades. We often dreamed of having the students wear zap collars, like the kind you put on dogs? We’d stand at the front of the class, finger on the activation button.
“Are you still talking, Billy?” ZAP!
“As a matter of fact, Jane, I do not care that your dad makes more money than I do.” ZAP!!
After dealing with kids in the classroom, nothing much bothers me anymore.
cail on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:05 am #
Fresh, you have no idea. Are you in NYC? We should grab coffee sometime and carry on the tradition of goddess meet-ups.
KariE on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:07 am #
LOL Kelly Ann!!! I wish I was her!!
Oh, Kim, I hope your kitty comes home.
KariE on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:16 am #
A couple more-
-Red light runners. Oh how I hate these people!!! Don’t they realize that if they stop for the light they are only going to delay themselves about 45 seconds?? Compair that to the hour, if not more, it would take to clean up the mess of the accident they could/can/will cause! Not to mention the lives they are risking. I see it EVERY DAY on my way to drop my son off.
-Speeders. I’m not talking about going 5-8 miles over. I’m talking about the super freaks that are on the interstate that go like 15-20 over. What’s the rush?!?! Again, is getting there at mach speed with all the lives you just put at risk? Saving 3 minutes is worth the risk of possibly not even making it there? Alive?
Grrrrr.
Stepping down from soapbox.
SuzyQ on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:29 am #
Oh yeah! I could use a taser!!!!
People who have more than 12 items in the express lane at the grocery store!
The teenager that lives across the street who revs his car for a half an hour around 9:00 almost every night and blasts his music.
The parents of the above teenager that think its OK for their son to do whatever he wants.
The people who post garage sale signs on the street pole in my yard (I live on a corner) and never come back to take it down.
The relators who put up open house signs and balloons on my yard and then pop the balloons and leave all the rubber and string in my yard.
Sandy "Snik" White on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:57 am #
OH that I had a taser today!! Father forgive me, here is the list of people I need to tase….STAT
1. The driver of the tree shredder who pulled out in front of me this morning and proceeded to go 35mph all the way down the road that has no passing zones…when I happened to be running late getting my daughter and brother to school.
2. The clerk at the County office who stares at me blankly while I am holding my nephew, sitting next to my sister in law and have my ex husband standing behind me and tells me that I need an original form signed and can come back when I have that. I explain that the place is in another state to which I am told mail it then. I would have left the taser on for an hour if I had the choice. (PS if you live in the state of florida dont give someone a car unless you REALLY want the hassle associated with it.)
3. My brother. Not the one I took to school. One of the other ones, for reasons that are obvious to those who know him, but seriously. He needs it.
Sandy "Snik" White on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:59 am #
(Cont.)
4. My ex husband. Who literally uses me as his relationship counselor. He tells me how horribly the girl he likes is being treated by her ex husband and what he is doing to her and my mouth literally falls open as he describes in detail the same stuff he put me through. Funny how it bothers him now.
5. Myself. Assuming of course it knocks me out long enough to make it through this move. We are in process of moving our offices. I am trying to run 3 different companies from one disorganized desk and I’m a little more than edgy….
I’m sure there will be more. There have been every other day this week.
Margaret on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:08 am #
LOL Rachel. I do believe you hit a hot button this morning.
Poor SuzyQ. Corners look so great but the public thinks they are… public.
Zap to every politician who leaves their @^##@# signs attached to anything longer than, say 20 minutes, after the primary/election is over.
I think a requirement for getting elected is the politician must put up/take down their $^##&&*# signs personally.
Can you tell PA is recovering from the Clinton/Obama onslaught? Primary was Tuesday. I hope they’ve all gone on to haunt other states now. I swear Hillary and Chelsea seemed to have moved to Lancaster. Hill was even at a local micro-brewery one day. TG not the day I wanted to be there.
MoabReader on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:09 am #
We recently ran a story in the newspaper where I work about the local police force being issued tasers. Since then, we’ve been talking about hosting “The Times’ Taser Tuesdays” where people could come in and taser each other and we’d take pictures for their scrapbooks, etc. I personally have a very lengthy list of victims in my head. But the boss says I’ll alienate customers and readers. So it’s one of my most common fantasies. Ahh, to tase….
RachelG on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:11 am #
Oh, thought of a few more.
Everyone at the DMV
People who wear socks and flip flops
Steely Dan–the song Peg makes me want to take an ice pick to my head
Hmm. Maybe I have anger issues.
SuzyQ on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:16 am #
Oh, yes, and how could I have forgotten the mechanic who when I told him my car would not go in reverse asked me if I was sure I moved the gear to R - ZAP!
Sandy "Snik" White on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:18 am #
Oh I have a few more…
-People who get everything handed to them, but when they finally have to earn something themself, they act like they are suffering. Kiss my grits princess, I’ve been working since I was 14, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. (yes there is someone specific I’m thinking of, but well, I don’t want to name names)
-People pleasers who over commit. Seriously. If you volunteer to help with 3000 things, you don’t have the right to come to me and tell me how stressed out you are. Stop committing. If you don’t have time, say no. Because I don’t have the time to help you get your stuff done too, I’ve already made committments.
-Stupid questions. I can’t stand them. I know “they” say there is no such thing as a stupid question, but “they” haven’t met the group of people I work with.
I’ll probably be back lol This is very cathardic.
Karen Hawkins on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:38 am #
Rachel, do you know where Steely Dan got their name from? It’s a good story! And yes, they deserve to be tased.
I thought of another one, too — the gal in front of me at the coffee shop who orders a latte, soy, low fat, sweetner, light, vanilla, two pumps of hazelnut, low fat whip, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc ETC ET-FREAKING-CETERA UNTIL I TASE HER LIKE THAAAAAAAAAAT AND SHE LAYS TWITCHING ON THE FLOOR IN A RUMPLED HEAP, HER COFFEE CUP CRUSHED IN HER CONVULSED HAND, HER LOW FAT TOPPING DRIBBLING ONTO THE FLOOR AS I LAUGH MANIACALLY OVER HER FALLEN BODY — BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem.
Excuse me. I had ‘a moment.’
Ronlyn on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:40 am #
1. the doctor I work for for “forgetting” that he was starting early today.
2. the patient who wants the dr. to write him a note saying it was ok that he stole food from Costco because he has bipolar (sadly, I’m not joking)
3. the people who see a parking place after they’ve passed it and try to back up over the line of cars behind them to get into that space.
4. Telemarketers.
5. Telemarketers who wake up my baby. I’ll zap them twice.
6. The door to door religion pedlers. They wake up the baby too.
Ronlyn on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:40 am #
socks and flip flops?? how is that even possible? LOL
Nicole Jordan on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:44 am #
I have too many to name over the years. If thoughts were deeds, I would be in jail for being a serial taser-er.
KariE on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:49 am #
LOL, Karen H!!!! That is GREAT!!!!
Emmiebee on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:50 am #
You know what- I just do not have enough time in my life to follow these idiots around tasing them all the time- so I’m going to shoot them with a pre-set tasing chip that will zap them every time they perform the obnoxious behavior for the rest of their lives. I am only thinking of the good of the whole human race here- my sainthood is assured.
-Emmiebee, Queen of the Society for the Prevention of Idiocy
SuzyQ on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:53 am #
K-Hawk - you’ve either had too much coffee this morning or you’ve been hanging out with K-Ro too much! LOL!!! That is just too funny!
Emmiebee on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:54 am #
Oh, and if you been injected with more than ten chips, the next one automatically sterilizes your reproductive organs. Don’t need to pass those genes along, no way! MWAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!
-EB
SuzyQ on 24 Apr 2008 at 10:58 am #
LOL Emmiebee!
Freshechelle on 24 Apr 2008 at 11:02 am #
-grown men who wear Crocs in the airport with business clothes. Really?
-people who steal cabs by cutting further into the oncoming traffic than me.
-cell phone users in public places. Hey, it’s good to have secrets.
-indifferent customer service providers and the managers who don’t manage them
-whoever decided that being a parent doesn’t require licensing
-parents who let their children verbally abuse them in public
-the news media for turning anything that has been caught on film into a salacious story. Yes, planes sometimes spark when they land, people rescue dogs from frozen lakes. Great but not the lead. What happened in this week in the 2 wars we’re mired in?
limecello on 24 Apr 2008 at 11:21 am #
Rachel,
I’m so with you on #1. But… interesting subject. On Tuesday, I sat in on and observed a case (I didn’t catch the beginning so I’m not quite sure…) but it’s one dealing with tasers, and deaths. I think three different people were tasered… then died. So there’s an investigation as to whether or not it was a direct cause of death, and there was a lot of expert testimony.
Judy F on 24 Apr 2008 at 11:27 am #
OH Rachel I have said this many of times at my part time job at the bookstore. We have these hand held scanners to zone a section we always wonder if we can convert them to tasers. LOL
__people that drop their kids off at our store while they go in another store. ZAP we are not your babysitters.
__Anyone that yells from the front of the store to the back… Hello inside voice. ZAP
__Teens looking through the books in the sex and sexuality section. ZAP ZAP ZAP
__In general. People that blew their horn at me yesterday when my car died in the park… Yes I planned on blocking the driveway. ZAPPO
__People that don’t pull over or get out of the way for ambulances. Or try to outrun them. ZAP.
Oh man I have tons in my head. LOL
Judy F on 24 Apr 2008 at 11:30 am #
My sister from yesterday whose first thing when I called her about my car dying was. are you sure you have gas??? ZAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Then she said this really messes up you taking dad to the doctor…. Yes I planned this…. ZAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Suzanne Enoch on 24 Apr 2008 at 11:36 am #
Oooh, ooh! The lady who always parks her car in front of my house instead of her own.
Sheridan LA on 24 Apr 2008 at 11:56 am #
Claudia, I have often threatened to order that same collar for my boss.. he tends to go off to play with the neighbors during shoots and I have to hunt him down when the client needs him on set.
I have also put out there that I will order a taser and auction off who gets to shoot him first as a fundraiser for my campaign. One of our crew has said she will put a 3rd and 4th mortgage on her house to make sure she wins. Then, of course, I will also sell tickets for us to watch. Not sure why he seems to be offended by this.
Judy.. you work in a bookstore?!? For me, that would be like putting a drug addict in a pharmacy… “Sheridan, we’d love to give you a paycheck, but this week, you actually owe US for the time you worked. You just bought too many books.” mmmmm.. bookstore.
You all have covered most everyone who needs it, and I am sure there would not be a cop around to write a citation in any of them - in light of mental self defense.
Sheridan LA on 24 Apr 2008 at 11:56 am #
oh.. and Karen? I am thinking you might have made one too many trips to the coffee shop already today… decaf or water for you, missy!
too funny.
anneriailin on 24 Apr 2008 at 12:00 pm #
Oh man….so many people need to be tased. Where to begin??
–people who talk through the entire movie and the people who can’t stop texting during the movies!
–those kids with those roller shoe things!
–people who talk on their cell phone or text while driving.
–my ex, just on general purposes
–people who make the ‘Dorothy’ and Wizard of Oz jokes to me. Do you honestly think I haven’t heard EVERY one of them by now??
–people who slow down while approaching a green light. Yes, if you go slow enough, the light will eventually change!!
–anyone who crosses a busy street during rush hour against the cross walk signs. those signals are there for a reason, lame brain.
I’m sure there are more, I just can’t think of them. and I agree with Margaret on almost all of hers!! Those lights on cars are a huge problem with me.
–dorothy
Karen Hawkins on 24 Apr 2008 at 12:04 pm #
Yes, I’m having a Full Caffeine Day. Just warning you all off.
Emmiebee, I like your auto-tase theory. I’m diggin’ it. Can we install TWO at my coffee shop? And then I’ll carry a handheld taser in case I don’t feel the auto did it well enough. Just as backup, you understand.
limecello, are you working on a law degree? My guy’s a cop and working on his PhD in criminal justice and he followed two cases of people who died after being tased. He found that they were both high on coke and so their heart rates were already phenomenally off kilter. He theorizes that if they hadn’t been tased, someone would have had to shoot them because they were wacked out of their heads and violent, so . . . half a dozen of one, half a dozen of another. Were the cases you saw civil cases by relatives asking for monetary settlements? Or were they criminal trials?
Lisa H on 24 Apr 2008 at 12:18 pm #
No one has mentioned this yet, so I will bravely be the first to say….AGENTS and EDITORS who reject you and don’t tell you why. My goodness, they are supposed to be experts in the publishing field, you think they could give you a couple constructive comments! Yeeesh!
My husband needs a good “tase” about once a week. “Where’s my socks?” Zap “I’m tired, I worked all day?” Zap ( like I’m sitting home being fed bon bons by Santa Fros guy!) “I’ve given the baby a bath a couple times” Zap The baby’s 2 1/2, and has had about 1000 baths in his life!
Also, as a fan of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series, I am scared to death to own a Taser because some big burly guy could take it away from you and use it against you… Trust me it’s happened to Stephanie many a time.
And Karen H - that chick in the coffee shop got what she deserved!
Judy F on 24 Apr 2008 at 12:38 pm #
SHeridan. It is costly to work in the bookstore. I normally only work one or two evenings a week but lately its been one day or so a month. Still get the 30% so that works for me. LOL
PJane1031 on 24 Apr 2008 at 12:53 pm #
Love this topic, Rachel!! I don’t get a taser on my duty belt–but working at a college, we’re supposed to give off a more ‘welcoming’ image, but there are frequently people that I come across who need a good jolt!!
I have several on my list from this past weekend. Helicoptor parents, or those that think they have the money to throw their weight around and bully others probably take the top spot!! Sorry, bud, I’ve gone nose to nose with a 250+ pound NFL player, and won the argument–posture all you want, I’m not caving. I don’t care that you are paying $30,000+ for your child to go here, and you seem to think that means you pay my salary. And if that’s how you feel, I gotta say, I really need a raise!
Oh! Sorry! Mini-rant, I guess!!
My favorite saying when I see stupidity at it’s finest: Just because we’re at an institution of higher learning, does not mean that there is higer intelligence at work!
Yasmin (Yaya) on 24 Apr 2008 at 2:01 pm #
Kim i hope you find her. Did she have a coller? microchip? Try SPCA or Shelter see if they picked her up.
I want a taser!!. I promise not abuse my privilage.
People that need to be tased are………………
Those who let their children run and play outside unsupervised. Zap!! and still wonder why they get abducted. Double Zap!
Those who are cruel to animals especially the stray. Zap!
Those who drive the huge semi-trucks and think to cut me off just because i drive a small honda. Zap!
The girl who sees you with your boyfriend and still blantanly flirts, giggles and bends over like crazy showing butt and cleavage and anything in between. Zap!Zap! Boyfriend for actually looking instead of pretending not look. Zap!Zap!Zap!
My lil brother for my feeding my pet Hot cheetos. Zap! saying she wanted some Zap!Zap! and he still complains that i dont trust him.
My boss for leaving all the faxes and reservations until i come back from my day off. Zap!
mmmm I know there will be more
Ann in IL on 24 Apr 2008 at 2:17 pm #
Whoever/Whomever/WHATever is responsible for this mess with the oil/gas prices. And for spouting all the doubletalk lingo that doesn’t make any sense/cents as to why the prices have jumped 30 cents/gal just this week.
I’ll be needing that taser because I will be walking to work at 4:30 am CUZ I CAN’T AFFORD THE FREAKIN’ GAS.
ZZAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Poilticians. ‘nuf said
Ann in IL on 24 Apr 2008 at 2:18 pm #
oops………that should be “politicians”
Yasmin (Yaya) on 24 Apr 2008 at 2:20 pm #
I agree I want to zap! the attendant everytime i see the prices even thoughit probably not his fault.
Margaret on 24 Apr 2008 at 2:55 pm #
ROTFL, Karen H. Tell us how you really feel about the lady at the coffee shop.
Yasmin (Yaya) on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:12 pm #
Suzy–I had a whole cart ful of groceries and I noticed a register open and started pulling out everything. I was like why are people avoiding this line, I shrugged. Two guys that worked at the store started helping me umpack. I was like wow nice service. I even had a guy packing my stuff up. By that time, I had two more customers behind me. Finally I was about to pay when sis come up to me. She was like Mina this is the Fast CheckOut. I look up and yup it said 15 items or less. I was so embarrased.
Laurie on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:15 pm #
I can think of several people I’d like to taser into spasms - starting with two right here in my office, and then moving on to people who park their carts in the middle of the grocery store aisles, turning drivers who keep inching up on pedestrians crossing the street, people who think they’re so important they can’t turn their cell phones off, regardless of where they are.
FWIW - Rachel, I’ve posted a review of NOT ANOTHER BAD DATE on my blog (on behalf of Romance Junkies) - I sent the link to your publisher.
Margaret on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:18 pm #
Dorothy, I hear you on the stupid name comments. My married name is Garland. In the past 32 years, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been asked if I’m any relation to you-know-who. Zap! Whose birth name, BTW, was Frances Ethel Gumm. Zap! Squash!
This is usually asked by some bozo with half his teeth missing, a permanent 3 day growth of beard (how do they do that?) and a plaid flannel shirt that doesn’t quite meet the top of his belt buckle. Hairy belly optional. Take your choice.
As the wonderfully funny Bill Engvall would say, “Here’s your sign!”
SuzyQ on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:22 pm #
Yasmin - I would never tase another goddess
Yasmin (Yaya) on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:27 pm #
oooooohhhhh I just remembered the lady at the clinique counter for feeling she could ignore me Zap! and then gets mad because I interrup her personal conversation. Zap!Zap!
Yasmin (Yaya) on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:29 pm #
Thanks Suzy. It was an honest mistake. I was totally oblivious. I cant go into the store without feeling everyone is going to point me out.
Paula on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:30 pm #
K-Hawk you really need to watch the caffeine!!
I’d really like to tase some of the kids where I work - One came to the door of the prep room yesterday and asked for something and when asked for which teacher the reply was that one in there I don’t know his name. Hello that there is your teacher! And also the girl who asked for some colours!!
she actually meant felt pens.!!
My MIL and SIL - they rang last monday am( we only got back from holiday sat eve) and said Is it today you’re expecting us? When they were supposed to have arranged their visit (if they were coming to stay) before we went on holiday. Hello notice needed!
Just occassionally my 7 and 4 year olds to rremind them that what mum says is what they should do - NO arguing and to stop my 7 year old from behaving like a mini teenager with BIG attitude!!
My DH could be zapped once in a while to keep him on his toes!!
Yasmin (Yaya) on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:45 pm #
Lol Karen–I am glad I only ask for a caramel macchiato. Might as well get full calories and full flavor.
Margaret on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:57 pm #
>>Rachel asked us “Who or what would you Tase? Or are you a lover not a fighter?”
Yesterday we were lovers of all sorts of people. Feelin’ the looove. Today, we don’t love quite a few people. LOL Thankfully, that makes us human.
Karen, I just discovered the Nestles Coffee Mate flavors and am sampling same. This afternoon I’m having my coffee with Vanilla Chai Spice. Oh my. Yummy. Of course, it take more than a dribble and I still want my Sweet & Low in it. I know. I know. But sugar isn’t as sweet as S&L. Zap me.
Sabrina Jeffries on 24 Apr 2008 at 3:58 pm #
Hey, I LIKE Steely Dan!!!
Who would I tase? Oh, I know.
1) Doctors who claim that every illness known to man is due to obesity. “Yes, ma’am, you have a yeast infection because you’re overweight. What? You had one when you were 14 years old and skinny? Doesn’t matter. THIS time it’s because you’re overweight. I’m assuming that you’re fat because you’re stupid, so you’re bound to buy this RIDICULOUS CONCOCTION OF JUDGMENTAL CRAP!!”
Oh, sorry, I had a moment, too.
2) Designers who design clothes for 15-year-old hotties … that sell in the “large-size” women’s stores.
3) Large women who should know better than to buy and wear the above.
4) Tele-marketers. Yes, I know they have to work, too, but do they have to work on MY dime?
Gee, I think I have a few anger issues myself!
Paula on 24 Apr 2008 at 4:06 pm #
I want to add the people who set up and run the on line shopping site for Tescos I only want to order my weeks shopping for £*&^%$ sake why does your site have to choose now to be unavailable?!!
Ellen on 24 Apr 2008 at 5:40 pm #
LMAO Karen H. Seriously, your image of the convulsing coffee lady and the way you said “UNTIL I TASE HER LIKE THAAAAAAAAAAT” was so visual, it reminded me of why I love your books.
Karen Rose on 24 Apr 2008 at 6:39 pm #
Y’all have issues.
You should write murder mysteries. Just sayin’. It takes off the edge.
Zenfully yours,
KarenR
Karen Rose on 24 Apr 2008 at 6:41 pm #
Sabrina, I like Steely Dan, too - I have his album with John Ford Coley.
And ditto on the clothes stores. You go girl.
Jane on 24 Apr 2008 at 6:52 pm #
I would tase:
1. Litterbugs.
2. People who talk loud on their cell phones.
3. People who try hold the closing doors on a subway car, which holds up the train and makes everyone late for work.
4. People who are rude.
Karen Hawkins on 24 Apr 2008 at 6:52 pm #
Trust me on this — I would NOT be safe with a taser. It’s not the power, so much as the belief that some people DESERVE pain. Tasing the coffee shop lady is a vivid fantasy because in real life I’ve bored a hole in the back of her pert, picky, little head with my Stink Eye to the point you’d think she’d feel it, or at least have a bit of a headache later on in the afternoon or perhaps just a very, very bad nosebleed.
KarenRoZen, hey, I just wrote a contemporary romance/mystery so I’m good. I’m real good. I’m just not lettin’ Miss Latte Lite No Soy Two Sweetners Vanilla Two Squirts of Hazelnut off the hook for one second. She deserves to DIE, DIE, DIE, DI—Ok, maybe I should write TWO murder mysteries and take the edge off.
evlqn on 24 Apr 2008 at 7:29 pm #
Rachel can we get that taser chromed?? I have a list of nominees a mile long.
1,Politians that can’t help acting like they are still in the school yard,” You stink and I’m better than you!” “Are not!” “Am too!”
2 Parents who can’t control thier spawn. “Now Jimmy,I’m going to count to three and you better behave.” They aren’t smart enough to count higher than three. I always told my kids I started with two and goddess help them if I reached three. My sons are in thier thirties now.
3. Kids who think you have nothing to do but wait on them hand and foot.
4 Sisters who let them get away with it.
5 Non-custodial parents who do thier level best to sabotage everything you are trying to accomplish with thier kids. No 10 or 11 year old needs $30 a week spending money, put it in the bank for them!
6 People who make breaking the laws look glamorous. If that meth you were arrested for wasn’t yours why was your bail $40,000 ? Don’t get me started.
Karen Rose on 24 Apr 2008 at 7:29 pm #
KarenH,
Snicker…. Okay, she deserves the taser.
Sabrina Jeffries on 24 Apr 2008 at 7:42 pm #
Um, KarenHa, remind me not to go to any coffeehouses with you. Because what I order at MY coffeehouse is a quad latte, half decaf, skim, with a shot and a half of sugar-free almond.
Just sayin’.
Kim on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:13 pm #
Sabrina–Ohhhh, I SO totally agree with you. Seriously, how can being fat cause a cold?!?! HELLO! And fat women should NOT wear tube tops. EVAH.
Note to self: when packing for San Fran pack LOTS of decaf chamo tea for K-Hawk.
UPDATE: My Max the cat is home! He sauntered up the back walk about noon smoking a cigarette. *sigh* I still tazed the DH just for future reference
doglady on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:36 pm #
Okay, after a hard day at Wally World this was just what I needed to read. We all need to thank Rachel for giving us the opportunity to blow off steam, thus saving countless lives who might have been our victims today had we not hard our trip to Taser Fantasy Island!
Kim, so glad Max came home.
Karen Rose needs to teach a workshop in stress management!
Karen Hawkins needs serious help, but we knew that and love her anyway!
Claudia, as a former school teacher I whole heartedly agree that shock collars might have kept me in the profession longer!
And to the fashion challenged of the world I continue to say “Just because they make it in your size does NOT mean you need to wear it!” I’m just saying.
cail on 24 Apr 2008 at 8:55 pm #
YAY that Max came home! I was worried. Cats are just so smart!
TinaLouiseF on 24 Apr 2008 at 9:53 pm #
I’d rather use a paintball gun on motorist that do not obey basic traffic laws.
That way everyone else knows they can’t be trusted on the road.
Yellow for not using blinker
Red for running the red light
Black for when people pull out in front of you and your brakes leave black marks on the road trying to get stopped.
Lorena on 25 Apr 2008 at 10:19 am #
KarenH–you live awfully close to me to be tasing people at the local Starbucks. Please give geographic details so I can avoid it …. LOL
Sandy– There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
I would NOT tase parents in stores with screaming kids. You have to get your shopping done, and sometimes you have to take the autistic child who cannot handle over-stimulation with you … (I used to be in the other camp, but my godson is autistic and I realized they aren’t all screaming brats. Just sayin’).
I WOULD tase drivers who go 10mph under the speed limit; drivers who tailgate–actually, what I really want is a cell phone programmed to call the car nearest me–front or rear–and allow me to tell them what idiots they’re being. Tailgating me won’t make the guy ahead of me go any faster, moron.
Also: bullies and people with really loud music in their cars.
Kate on 25 Apr 2008 at 8:27 pm #
Karen H
My dh soooo agrees with you about the coffee lady. LOL I needed a good laugh - thanks for delivering. He advocates opening a place called A Cuppa - you get a cuppa joe with cream and sugar. That’s it. LOL
He also has a theory about the paintball to motor vehicle drivers. You get ten paintballs per year. Use all ten and you get a ticket for being an a#$%@le. If you get three paintball marks on your car you get a ticket.
Rachel thanks for the topic. I am the calm one in my family so I can’t think of who I’d tase at the moment….guess I am having a pretty mellow day.
Santa on 26 Apr 2008 at 12:32 am #
Can I tase a few people?
The lady behind me who honks the nano-second the light turns green! Is Nature calling, toots?
People who have a cell phone in church.
People with those walkie-talkie cell phones. No, I DON’T want to know about the boil on your &^%!
The kid who left his phone at our store, calls it to verify where it is and screams ‘Who’s got my &^$#@! phone?’ Ex-squeeze me? I got your phone right here, bud! I gave him a verbal tasing that blew the curls from his hair when he came to pick it up!
Lori on 26 Apr 2008 at 1:03 am #
How about the owner of the humongous SUV who took up 1 1/2 parking places? Just enough so that I can’t park my car. arrrrghhhhh
It’s bad when they name an automobile after a fleet of ships.
limecello on 26 Apr 2008 at 1:38 pm #
Karen,
I hope you see this! Indeed, I am. My internship with a Common Pleas judge just ended this week. Pretty sure it was a criminal trial - I found out two days later I had been sitting next to one of my bosses and didn’t even know. :X (I had 3 jobs this semester) - and it’s panic time because finals start now - and I’m a full time student. Haha.
It was a statutory thing - I thought it was going to be a wrongful death suit, but it wasn’t. I think it was something that happened while the men were in jail - so, drugs weren’t currently involved, but the deceased may have been on drugs. It’s been a long involved process which has apparently lead to multiple trials and hearings. I don’t know much about it - but I do know it wasn’t the families going to court.