How to Train a Man (and Other Assorted Persons)
Feb 26th 2008
Nicole JordanGoddess Readers Speak Out
Have you heard there’s a new book out about training husbands to do what you want? According to Newsweek Magazine, WHAT SHAMU TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIFE, LOVE AND MARRIAGE recounts how author Amy Sutherland used animal training techniques to get the specific behavior she wanted from her husband.
The article goes on to share Sutherland’s key animal training techniques: reward positive behavior, avoid reacting to negative behavior, and don’t take negative stuff personally. And I know all that works on horses at 
least, since I have a young mare in training and I’ve watched her trainer work magic with those consistently applied principles.
But do they work on men?
When I was growing up, I was told that girls needed to act like “clinging vines” in order to appeal to boys and that I had to develop my feminine wiles if I wanted to be popular with the male sex. I never could quite master the art of feminine wiling, but the premise that we women can coax specific behavior out of men fascinates me.
In fact, I unconsciously explored that question in my latest romance, TO BED A BEAUTY. In my book, my brainy heroine convinces a cynical duke to teach her what appeals to him in a mistress so she can use the same methods to persuade a neighboring earl to fall in love with her. (Of course, her best laid plans go astray when her noble tutor finds himself annoyingly attracted to his beautiful pupil.)
In Sutherland’s book, she reportedly points to Pavlov’s experiments with dogs and Skinner’s with rats to bolster 
her theory that men can be trained like animals. She also claims that animal training techniques work on both genders.
Frankly, the idea of my dh willingly obeying my commands to “sit” and “stay” or to jump through hoops boggles my imagination. But Sutherland may have a point. And I do admit to using on Mr. J some of the successful management techniques that I learned in my early career as an engineering manager.
Do you see value in treating the men in your life like dogs and whales? Do you ever use any special techniques (manipulative feminine wiles or not) to get the behavior you want from spouses, kids, your mother, coworkers, friends, enemies?
70 Comments »
Margaret Garland on 26 Feb 2008 at 7:43 am #
I, too, missed the feminie wiles class, Nicole. Even in the 50’s, it was annoying as heck to be told to always cater to a man. This may stem from being a member of a family of independent women. They could repair anything, do what needed to be done. An aunt built her own house. She built a swimming pool because some man told her she couldn’t. It wasn’t fancy but we swam in it.
I could never understand why a guy was so fragile. Sheesh. Yet, the girls who did wile, had the boys flocking around. Sigh. It wasn’t that I wanted one of them. I wanted the chance. I think the techniques you mention are good ones for any species. I believe these are the same ones recommended for children.
There was a book years ago on using dog training methods on a husband. Nothing is new under the sun.
cail on 26 Feb 2008 at 8:07 am #
i remember when the NY Times ran a piece on this… everyone was in an uproar and it was one of the most emailed for weeks.
I think there is something to be said about using positive reinforcement and ignoring negative activity. I think its just common sense.
I can’t wait to read TBAB! Anxiously awaiting it’s arrival in my mailbox…
Karen Rose on 26 Feb 2008 at 8:26 am #
I read this story a few weeks ago and I felt bad for the author’s husband. Apparently she practiced these “techniques” on him without his knowledge, but later he caught on. Her writing a book about it was a big clue, I suppose.
Sure, the techniques are common sense - but to liken her DH to a dog? It seems … wrong to me. According to the story he’s taken it in stride and they’ve even turned “Shamu” into a verb as in “You just Shamu’d me,” when one catches the other “modifying behaviours”. I would think this wouldn’t build trust into a relationship, though. Just my opinion.
Now, I’m done griping about the Shamu book. Crossing my fingers for TBAB, Nicole! Yay!
claudia dain on 26 Feb 2008 at 8:40 am #
Karen R, I’m in your camp on this. There’s something a bit degrading about the concept; it sure would permanently alter my relationship with DH if he wrote a book about how he trained me to be the wife he wanted. Uh, why did you marry me if I’m not the wife you wanted?
I don’t even know what I think about wiles. Do I have them? Do I use them? I don’t know! I don’t think so. Certainly never consciously. When I want something I normally just ask for it. Why beat around the bush?
Nicole, I know we’ve talked about this before, but it always fascinates me. We’re about the same age and I was specifically told by my mother that men HATE clinging vines and that it’s a very unappealing trait. It’s a never-ending wonder to me how there is no Truth about a generation or a culture; there is only our experience and it’s highly individual. It’s what makes writing fiction so much fun!
Karen Hawkins on 26 Feb 2008 at 8:55 am #
I hope he’s doing it back to her!
I dislike manipulation. I’ve watched a friend of mine do this throughout her marriage. She’s still married, but neither of them are particularly happy. It has caused a lot of stress on their relationship and neither of them are very honest with each other.
I have a ‘be direct, be honest, be kind’ policy. Whenever I want my DH to do something or change his behavior in some way, I tell him but in a polite, non-confrontational way. He’s a mature guy and so far, it’s worked great.
Hey, do you guys remember the book The Rules? I think that was what it was called, but it was a staged program designed to get a guy to propose. Very manipulative stuff!
claudia dain on 26 Feb 2008 at 8:59 am #
Karen H, I so agree with you. So many couples are unkind to each other, often in the name of honesty. There’s never a reason not to be kind!
KariE on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:04 am #
Interesting topic, Nicole. I can see and understand the comments so far. In my relationship with my dh, we both try to be the alpha “dog”. We are both head very strong. For us, it’s not bad, as it keeps daily life interesting.
I don’t see the benefit of treating the other like an animal, be it a whale or a dog. I’ve found that if you treat the other with respect (as you would like to have in return) you go further in the relationship. It took my dh and a while to figure this out, but it worked for us.
cail on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:07 am #
don’t get me wrong, i don’t think we should ‘train’ our men, or our friends etc, and trying to completely change someone is a terrible idea, but I think if done with the right attitude it’s totally smart. For instance. I don’t like staying out late much, but my dh does. I tend to be the DD whenever we head somewhere via car, and that often leaves me tired and cranky around 1am wishing we could leave the bar/party/friend’s house. Instead we usually stick around and later my darling gushes about how awesome I am that we were out so late.
I’m a heck of a lot more willing to stay out, if its OBVIOUS the action is being apprciated and acknoweldged as me doing something I’d rather not be doing. I think its just a matter of appreciating the positive traits in people, and playing down the negative. If something is REALLY an issue, it should be discussed, instead of being manipulated out. But I really like the idea of positive reinforcement for some reason.
SnikyWhite on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:28 am #
I think that most all of us have used manipulation to get what we want at some point in our lives. Whether it was as simple as “I’ll do this, if you do that” or a more subtle/devious form of manipulation used by Shamu lady. Its something that I don’t agree with, but have been guilty of in the past. In dealing with the emotional baggage of my divorce I was forced to recognize my faults as well…I mean, what good are mistakes if you don’t grow from them? But reality is, if you feel the need to “train” the man you are with, then you are with the wrong man. Relationships are about two fantastic people becoming one incredible couple. If someone is using manipulation, then they are missing something in themselves…and you can’t be an effective part of a whole when you’re missing a piece.
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:37 am #
Wow, Margaret… you really did come from a family of independent women! But I can totally relate to wanting to have the chance to have boys flock to me. *G*
And your comment about using these techniques on children seems right on.
For those of you with kids, do you have specific principles you follow to get the kind of behavior you want from them? Is that manipulation or just good parenting?
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:39 am #
>>>when one catches the other “modifying behaviours”. I would think this wouldn’t build trust into a relationship,
Boy, you can say that again, KarenR! But if he hadn’t been the target of the book, I wonder if he would have figured it out? lol
Ellen on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:40 am #
I’m Baaaaa aaaack. So wassup Gees?
SnikyWhite on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:43 am #
ELLEN!!!! How was the trip????????
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:45 am #
>>>I think there is something to be said about using positive reinforcement and ignoring negative activity. I think its just common sense.
>>>>I’m a heck of a lot more willing to stay out, if its OBVIOUS the action is being apprciated and acknoweldged as me doing something I’d rather not be doing. I think its just a matter of appreciating the positive traits in people, and playing down the negative. If something is REALLY an issue, it should be discussed, instead of being manipulated out. But I really like the idea of positive reinforcement for some reason
Yes, yes, yes, Cail! I agree wholeheartedly. I’m a lot more willing to bend over backwards for people who appreciate my efforts. And I think I can say the same for my dh and friends. I know my horses are much more willing to try to please me when they’re rewarded for their good behavior.
KariE on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:48 am #
Since I only have one child, most everything with him has been trial and error. lol I can honestly say that I like the way my parents raised me and am trying to follow their lead with my son.
I think over time my son has realized that there are consiquences to his actions. I don’t feel that I have manipulated him to this, I just think that he is getting old enough to realize what is right and what is wrong. I think good parenting goes along the lines of teaching your child respect. Whether it is respect of toys, elders or friends, I don’t think they need to be maniplated to grasp the concept of it.
IMO
Welcome back, Ellen.
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:49 am #
>>>>I have a ‘be direct, be honest, be kind’ policy.
Oh, I love this, KarenH! And I sure would love to see The Rules book!
And welcome back, Ellen!!! We talked all about you while you were gone. Just kidding… but you did come into the blog about developing the character of our Goddess Blog button. Go check it out and come back to report on your stay in in a Moroccan jail!
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 9:54 am #
Claudia, I’m in awe of your family of strong women! The women in my family are pretty independent, too, but my mom was raised in the deep South in the 30’s and 40’s, and the Southern Belle thing was drummed into her head, too.
>>>>If someone is using manipulation, then they are missing something in themselves…and you can’t be an effective part of a whole when you’re missing a piece.
That is so profound, Sniky! And so true. Love it!
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:01 am #
>>>Since I only have one child, most everything with him has been trial and error. lol I can honestly say that I like the way my parents raised me and am trying to follow their lead with my son.
I had to laugh, KariE. My parents said the same thing about me… that I was their trial and error kid.
And when it comes to parenting, I think a lot of us are the same way. We stumble our way through what works and what doesn’t work. And we either try to emmulate our parents or vow never to be like them.
Karen Hawkins on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:06 am #
Cail, I think we’re saying the same thing, but using different language.
Being appreciated isn’t manipulative UNLESS it’s done just to get something. And heck es, you should be recognized for doing the right thing! Your guy should appreciate you being the DD no matter what!
But, he shouldn’t just say that he appreciates you just to get you to do it again.
I guess my problem is with ‘intent.’ If someone is being nice because they want something, v someone being nice because they genuinely love and appreciate you, well, that’s entirely different and far more meaningful. I think when you ’shamu’ someone it’s similar to ‘false flattery.’ You’re just doing it to get something and that takes something away from the emotional value.
And welcome back, Ellen! Will you post your pictures on The Forum, pulleeeze?
Karen Rose on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:14 am #
Kids are different and require a different approach to “behaviour modification,” LOL. One of my kids folded if you looked at her cross-eyed. You rarely had to raise your voice - in fact I can only remember one time that I did. My other … well, I’ve had to get creative on things to take away. One of our best was the time we exchanged her “cool” clothing for the “nerdy” Star Wars shirts she’d left behind with elementary school. (Sorry, Suzanne and all other Star Wars fans!)
We said we’d give back the cool clothes when we got the behaviour we required. It worked - temporarily. Then, like a constantly shifting password, it didn’t and then we had to find a new thing to take away.
Karen Rose on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:15 am #
Welcome back, Ellen! I missed you!
Julia London on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:36 am #
Okay, yes, it is a repulsive concept. My husband is a human being, not a dog.
But still….there is something appealing in the idea that I might actually train him to hang up his clothes instead of tossing them on a chair and waiting for his personal handmaiden to come and hang them up. Isn’t there a way I can respect his individuality AND teach the old dog a new trick?
Welcome back, Ellen!
Ellen on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:39 am #
I missed all of you too! Photos will follow ONCE my luggage is located by Alitalia.
While I do believe in positive reinforcement for all creatures on this planet, the concept that I would train my DH the same way I trained “Fearless Phil, the wonder dog,” is appalling.
And yet…
Think of the possibilities of using a rolled up newspaper every time I get frustrated.
“Shame, shame. What did I say about leaving your socks on the floor? SWAP!”
“Tsk, tsk. Are those whiskers in my sink? SWAP!”
“Who drank milk from the carton? SWAP”
I must rethink my stance.
Ellen on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:40 am #
LOL…Julia, as usual, we think alike!
Julia London on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:44 am #
Ooooh, the whiskers!!! HUGE HUGE pet peeve of mine. He usually does a swipe to get rid of them, but leaves enough behind. You know when you live with someone, you know them inside out and learn to live with a lot. But those whiskers are something I just can’t get past. They totally gross me out!
Kim on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:53 am #
Oh boy, well, I admit to trying to manipulate my DH but he refused. I’d say “If you love me, you’ll do …” and he’d ignore me. But that was eons ago when we were both really young. I’d like to think now we have a much better respect for each other. Like Karen, we’re much more honest and direct. I tell him “It drives me to the edge when you leave your candy wrappers in the living room.” Usually then he’s made aware of his “bad behavior” and tries to stop.
Now my teen-ager. That’s a whole nother story. KarenR, he sounds much like your “hard to train” young un. No matter what punishment we give or even how much positive reinforcement, he’s still oblivious. You’d think after hearing me nag for 16 years to pick up his dirty clothes that he’d do it. UGH. Where’s that rolled up newspaper?
Welcome home, Ellen!!! Pop in the forum and give us a total recap of your trip. We’re all dying to hear about it.
Kim on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:56 am #
ITA, Julia and Ellen! Just yesterday I was cleaning the bathroom (something I try never to do) and I asked my husband, “Why are you two SO gross?” He told me “Honey, boys are just gross. We’re nasty dirty pigs. Will you still love us or do we need to move outside?” LOL I’m still thinking on my answer *g*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that all men are icky.
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:00 am #
>>>But, he shouldn’t just say that he appreciates you just to get you to do it again.
Oh, yes, KarenH!!!! That kind of manipulation would drive me batty. And I’m pretty sure I would be able to see through it.
>>>Isn’t there a way I can respect his individuality AND teach the old dog a new trick?
You’re on to something, Julia, lol.
And I love the image of the newspaper, Ellen!!!!
>>>I tell him “It drives me to the edge when you leave your candy wrappers in the living room.” Usually then he’s made aware of his “bad behavior” and tries to stop.
That’s an excellent approach, Kim. I sometimes use that, but I find I have to hold for the stuff that really really bugs me. If I say it for the small stuff or say it too often, it loses its effect *grin*
LauraR on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:02 am #
Ellen, Ellen, Ellen, a rolled newspaper thwap is not positive reinforcement, it’s punishment!!
Kim on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:10 am #
>>>That’s an excellent approach, Kim. I sometimes use that, but I find I have to hold for the stuff that really really bugs me. If I say it for the small stuff or say it too often, it loses its effect *grin*
Absolutely, Nicole! With my husband I’m actually very patient so this usually happens after I’ve stewed about something for months. LOL. And yes, candy wrappers do drive me to the edge. What is in the male dna that prevents them from finding a trash can or laundry hamper?!?!
Sabrina Jeffries on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:14 am #
Well, Nicole, like Claudia, I had a strong-willed, independent mother, and like YOU, she was a Southern belle. Which means she ended up often giving me conflicting advice and confusing the heck out of me. I mean, she always told me to “let the man win” and “don’t seem too clever or they won’t like you.” But when my aunt told me in college that I ought to hold on to the guy who was courting me, even though I’d already said I wasn’t attracted to him, because “I might not get another chance at a man,” my mom told HER to buzz off. Plus, my mom did everything for herself–killed snakes, moved furniture, and was in general a very active woman. She said one thing, but she did another.
So I ended up learning from her example and not what she SAID. And my dh likes that about me.
Sabrina Jeffries on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:16 am #
As for the “dog” training, while we’ve had to use some techniques like that with our son, because he’s so literal, we don’t use them on each other. However, I HAVE tried to learn how to change MY behavior, once I realized that I was falling into patterns learned from my parents, with “be kind” and “be positive” as most important.
doglady on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:29 am #
I’ve used these techniques on dogs with issues. They worked, except on my Chihuahua. Frodo is really a grouchie old man in a dog suit and he just looks at me and then does exactly what he wants. Never had to use this sort of thing on Roger. He was the absent minded professor type. When you reminded him to do something or not do something he would just smile that little boy smile and say “Oh, sorry, baby.” and immediately take care of it. I was raised in the deep South, but my Mom is Native American and grew up in a family of 6 boys. She taught me independence and my Dad taught me I could do anything AND that I was smarter than most men. A great gift. Roger saw me as an equal. So we generally did like Karen H - we were honest, direct, and kind. It worked. Manipulation sounds devious somehow.
My Mom used embarrassment. Ever had your Mom show up at the local Dairy Queen hangout at 1 AM, her hair in rollers wrapped in toilet paper covered by a hair net in her housecoat and fuzzy shoes?
cail on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:40 am #
OMG Doglady… she DIDNT???!!!
amy1242 on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:53 am #
LOL, dog lady! I have a friend who did that to her daughter when she was getting into trouble at school in her teenage years. The school called her two times in one week, and with that second phone call, she stuck rollers haphazardly in her hair, put on a nightgown, robe and large pink slippers and shlupped down to school to retrieve her daughter…during lunch…in front of all of her friends. Her daughter is grown with kids now and they still laugh at how good that technique worked. I don’t think I would have the guts to do that though. At 10 and 12, my kids are still really good kids. But the teenage years are coming, and you all have warned me before, so I’m hoping I’m ready for it.
doglady on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:56 am #
Oh yes, Cail! She DID! My brothers lied about where they were. They were FORBIDDEN to hang out at the Dairy Queen with the rest of the teenaged crowd. They were supposed to be all night bowling. The Dairy Queen was across from the hospital. Mom’s best friend was a night nurse. She got off work and saw my brothers there. She called Mom. Mom called the bowling alley and a friend of their’s answered. He did NOT get the memo that they were supposed to be with him! Foolish boys. She showed up like that in all her 4 ft 11 inch glory in her Lincoln towncar! (The land yacht, we called it) She made them leave their cars and come home with her. They were grounded for six weeks. Needless to say they never did it again. My Mom is a legend amongst my brothers’ friends!
zambonigirl on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:56 am #
Trufax-a friend wrote a short story about a girl using an animal training book in order to tame a really badly-tempered man. When he would yell or rail, she would ignore him until he addressed her in a proper manner, and then she would respond. My friend said that she actually took the idea from real life, not her husband, just someone with a bad temper.
I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. According to Eddie Izzard, the only things that separate people from animals are our thumbs and our ability to talk. “Thumbs so that we can pick things up, and speach so that we can say things like ‘Well’ and ‘S’pose so!’”
SuzyQ on 26 Feb 2008 at 12:08 pm #
If I didn’t like my husband the way he is, I won’t have married him. I can’t understand why someone would get married and then try to change the person. Now, kids are a different story. Doglady, that story is priceless!
Welcome back, Ellen!!!
Margaret Garland on 26 Feb 2008 at 12:17 pm #
>>>And when it comes to parenting, I think a lot of us are the same way. We stumble our way through what works and what doesn’t work.
This re minded me of a running joke among my friends back in the day. You stumble along in raising your kids. Just when you think you’ve got it perfected, they are out the house and flying on their own. Unfortunately, that’s the time when you learn if you did a good job or not.
And there is that old “ism”. The only person you can actually change is yourself. But that’s so haarrd!!!! It’s much easier to work on somebody’s else’s faults. They’re so easy to see, for crying out loud.
SnikyWhite on 26 Feb 2008 at 12:39 pm #
Margaret - there is another “ism” that goes along those same lines. “if you spot it, you got it.” Meaning if you are able to pick out someones fault, its because you too share that same flaw…I try not to spot things anymore lol
Lisa H on 26 Feb 2008 at 12:49 pm #
Welcome back Ellen!
This is a great topic. First let me say I have an unmanipulatable husband, trust me, I tried in the early years… I used all the common tools of the trade, tears, nagging, the silent treatment etc.
He never caved, not once. Over the years I learned to articulate what I needed or wanted and that approach worked much better…perhaps in our home, I was the dog, and my husband was the trainer…
Now, if I was able to use my feminine wiles and “train” him into becoming what I thought he should be, I probably wouldn’t be the person I am today.
LOL Kim…boys and men are smelly and disgusting creatures!
Suzanne Enoch on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:08 pm #
“Nerdy” Star Wars shirts, KarenR? Ahem. *g*
Don’t we all encourage behavior we like and try to ignore behavior we don’t? A laugh, a “thank you”, a frown, etc. I think the difference is when it’s done not as an honest reaction, but with the deliberate idea of deceptively changing the way someone is.
Of course I’m single, so what do I know?
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:15 pm #
Hilarious story, DL! I would have loved to meet your mom. And I can just see your grouchi chihuahua, lol.
>>> It’s much easier to work on somebody’s else’s faults. They’re so easy to see, for crying out loud.
>>>I try not to spot things anymore lol
Ain’t that the truth, Margaret! Too funny, Snicky.
>>>perhaps in our home, I was the dog, and my husband was the trainer…
Hmmm, you may have a point, LH, lol.
And Suzanne, you may be single but you’re great at dealing with kids? Do you have any special techniques you use on your nephews? Or do just play the good auntie and spoil them?
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:18 pm #
Zambo, I think it’s cool that your friend had such good success with that ill-tempered man!
What’s the phrase, “kill ‘em with kindness”? Has that ever worked? Or do the recipiants just see you as a pushover?
Laidybyrd on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:30 pm #
OMG y’all are so funny! I never have tried “training” my husband. Straight talk seems to work best. My mom, however, is awesome to watch. Example: Periodically my dad would talk about getting a motor home. Rather that give him reasons why it was impractical, she’d just nod and say “Hmmm, it’s a thought.” Eventually, he’d let it go.
Karen Hawkins on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:42 pm #
Ohmy gosh, Zamboni –isn’t Eddie Izzard HYSTERICAL? I looooove him!
SnikyWhite on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:45 pm #
Zamboni - I wanted to just say that I love your reference to Eddie Izzard. I absolutely adore his comedy and (true story) my inner circle have all been put up to the “Izzard Test.” I put in dressed to kill and if they don’t think he’s funny then they are not accepted in to the inner sanctum, as it were.
anneriailin on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:46 pm #
There was a movie made about this back in the early ’60’s with Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin. Absolutley hilarious! If you can find it you have to watch it! LOL
I’m divorced and have been for about 10 years. But when I was married my ex didn’t take hints well or anything else for that matter. I had to practically hit him over the head with a 2X4 to get anything across to him.
–dorothy
SnikyWhite on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:47 pm #
LOL karen - I ought to have known you would like him too…it must be the name thing (I was a Hawkins…premarriage)
anneriailin on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:49 pm #
Eddie Izzard! OMG, he’s so funny. My son got me one of his dvds for Christmas and I laughed so hard. My kids and I quote him all of the time.
–dorothy
Karen Hawkins on 26 Feb 2008 at 2:05 pm #
I LOVE the Izzard test! Dressed to Kill is his funniest ever — “Cake or death!”
And Sniky, I’m a Hawkins by marriage so it’s not the blood, it’s about massive intelligence and possessing a huge and outrageous funny bone.
I’m going to blog on Humor on Thursday and I had a pic of Eddie for it — how funny you mentioned him!
KariE on 26 Feb 2008 at 2:07 pm #
Do you have a flaaaaag?
Karen Hawkins on 26 Feb 2008 at 2:09 pm #
“England, give it baaaaack!”
No, wait! Save it for Thursday!
Santa on 26 Feb 2008 at 2:15 pm #
Doglady - that SO sounds like something my parents would do! We lived in a small town and we owned a business, so EVERYONE knew who we were and where we were supposed to be.
As to this whole behavior modification approach to men - I think it’s ridiculous. Being raised the only girl among two brothers and a zillion male cousins - I learned early that I had to be as tough as they were in order to get them to do what I wanted to do.
Professionally speaking, I used many of those techniques as a behavior management specialist working with special populations. Nothing is ever as black and white as they try to show you in books and, more often than not, you need to structure the reinforcements with the acquisition of goals along the way. It’s far too clinical an approach to succeed in a world where you don’t have control over many variables….IMHO.
And, I agree with Karen and many other folks here - honesty is the best policy.
zambonigirl on 26 Feb 2008 at 2:27 pm #
I would think that the Eddie Izzard test is a great litmus. If you find him funny and your friends don’t, then you’re definitely going to have problems coming to terms with basic ideals.
One of this “training” routines: “You can’t tell your cat, “Oi, cat, come for training. Now sit…sit…si…” Sort of…”Roll over. Now play dead.” your cat would look at you and say, “Interesting words. What do you mean by them?”
I love his spoofs on Star Trek and Star wars. “I’m Ken from accounting! I’m coming on the away mission with you. Got on me best red jumper!” “We’re all wearing blue. Did you notice?”
And, of course, jam.
Karen Rose on 26 Feb 2008 at 2:33 pm #
Doglady, I like your mama’s style. I may try this someday - or perhaps just the threat of it would be enough!
Did you all see the article on the “meanest mother” who sold her son’s car because she’d found a bottle of booze under one of the seats. I loved that!
Of course many of these behaviour modifcation techniques are useful and we use them daily, just like Suzanne said. My beef wasn’t with the use, but the attitude. My dog is a dog. My husband is my best friend. I love him the way he is. Would I prefer he not shave over my sink? Of course. Would he prefer I not do some of the things I do? I’m sure. Do you catch more flies with honey? Absolutely.
Sorry, Suzanne, the nerdy Star Wars comment was my kid’d, not mine. We paid good money for those shirts. If I ever become a size 7 again (cue hysterical laughter here) I’ll wear them myself!
KariE on 26 Feb 2008 at 2:45 pm #
—–Did you all see the article on the “meanest mother” who sold her son’s car because she’d found a bottle of booze under one of the seats. I loved that!
I DID!!! I loved it, too!!!! I couln’t agree more with her actions. My mom always told me that driving is a privilege, not a right. I hope that if I have to ever faced with that situation (God forbid), I will have the kahuna’s do the same thing.
There was also the story about the dad that had bought the son some sort of popular video game and ended up putting it on ebay because he caught the son smoking pot.
Power to the parents!!!
SnikyWhite on 26 Feb 2008 at 3:09 pm #
Original Sin: “i slept with so and so’s wife” Heard it…”I’ve poked a badger with a spoon!” Now THAT’s an original sin LOL
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 3:48 pm #
>>>Professionally speaking, I used many of those techniques as a behavior management specialist working with special populations.
Santa, I sure would love to be able to sit down with you and learn about the things you know! This sounds really cool to me.
And I still want to find THE RULES book that KarenH talked about!
I didn’t see the “meanest mother” article, but I would be cheering her on.
Also, I’m showing my ignorance hear, so don’t laugh at me, Izzard’s jokes sound hilarius but I’ve not heard about him. Where do I go to find out about him?
anneriailin on 26 Feb 2008 at 4:01 pm #
Eddie Izzard….
http://www.eddieizzard.com/home.izz
–dorothy
Kim on 26 Feb 2008 at 4:31 pm #
>>>My Mom used embarrassment. Ever had your Mom show up at the local Dairy Queen hangout at 1 AM, her hair in rollers wrapped in toilet paper covered by a hair net in her housecoat and fuzzy shoes?
Actually my mother did this to my brother. He stole her car to go cruising. She had a friend drive her downtown in her nightgown. She stood at the corner by the Olympia candy store. Waited for him to get caught by a red light. Threw his friend out of the car, hopped in and said “Let’s go home NOW, Robert.” And she wonders why he never returns her calls. LOL.
KarenR–I did hear about that mother! Sorry, but I kind of agree with her. We told the kiddo the day he got his driver’s permit. The first accident or ticket will be the last. If either happens that day we’ll go to our insurance and remove him from it. I won’t pay sky high premiums for him to hot rod and be careless. We’re not zero tolerant on many things but this we are.
Kim on 26 Feb 2008 at 4:34 pm #
Thanks for the link Dorothy! I hadn’t heard of Eddie Izzard either.
Nicole–here are several The Rules on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/105-6668706-9902808?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=The+Rules
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 4:54 pm #
Thanks for the links, Anner and Kim! I’ll have to go check those out!
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 5:37 pm #
Okay, I checked out The Rules… read the table of contents at least. And I’m relieved! In my Courtship Wars books 2 and 3, a secondary character has penned a how-to book called “Advice to Young Ladies on Capturing a Husband.” But MY author’s advice and THOSE authors’ advice is mostly quite different! In part because there’s two hundred years difference in the culture, perhaps, lol.
colinfirthfan on 26 Feb 2008 at 5:55 pm #
Can we vote? I like Ellen’s technique the best.
Putting away cereal boxes and dishes from the sink into the dishwasher bugs me. I clean the sink go to my room , come back - there is another plate in the sink. Aaagh!!But it bugs me more than it bugs DH so I put it away anyways!!
I think a swat with a newspaper would work wonders here.
Too funny!
Kay on 26 Feb 2008 at 7:35 pm #
How about treating an adult like an adult? My Dh and I began exchaning “annoyances” about two months after we were married. I told him one thing I wished he would or wouldn’t do and in exchange, he did the same. Since then, there have not been toilet seats left up (him) or hair products & makeup left all over the bathroom (me), the alarm is not allowed to be snoozed again and again for an hour (him) and wet towels don’t go on the bed (me). and so on.
It works really well, because I know if I ask him to do or not do something, I will get a request in return. It makes me limit the things I think need to be changed, and what can just be lived with.
The dog just needs yummies to get her to do what I want, and crate time when she drives me crazy.
I anyone has figured out the magic way to get what they want from teenagers, I will pay for it. LOL
Karen Rose on 26 Feb 2008 at 7:55 pm #
Kim - I agreed with that mother too. She labeled herself the “meanest mother” when she placed the ad to sell her kid’s car. Rats, and I thought “meanest mother” was my title. I guess I’ll have to share it with the rest of you.
I wish I had teh courage to do the fuzzy slippers thing, though!
Sabrina Jeffries on 26 Feb 2008 at 8:41 pm #
Ooh, ooh, other Eddie Izzard fans!! I should have known there’d be several among the goddesses. My favorites are when he goes through history doing spoofs. And his James Mason is spot on. Yes, cake or death!!!
My husband is a die-hard lover of stand-up comedy. I can take it or leave it, depending on the comic, but if Eddie is on, then that’s it. I watch nothing else.
Nicole Jordan on 26 Feb 2008 at 11:26 pm #
>>>My Dh and I began exchaning “annoyances” about two months after we were married. I told him one thing I wished he would or wouldn’t do and in exchange, he did the same.
Oh, wow, Kay, that is one of the coolest things I have ever heard in relationship negotions! Love it!
Arthur on 06 Mar 2008 at 12:58 pm #
I can just see a big market for books on training wives…… shopping habits modification, abstinence from diets, cancelling subscriptions to magazines…. it might be a best seller. May not help, but so many husbands would buy it in a fit of wishful thinking!