Breaking Up is Hard to do…
Jan 28th 2008
Julia LondonMy Life As A Plebe
Especially if you are breaking up with a girl friend.
Have you ever had to do it? Wanted to do it? Been broken up with? About two years ago, I had to break up with a friend. It was a deal where we’d met through someone else and she asked me to lunch. I went. We had a good time, but we didn’t really have much in common. She was an empty-nester. I only dreamed of being one. She had never worked outside the home. I had never worked in the home until recently. She liked to cook and as you all know, I do not.
Still, I enjoyed her company. But I figured she felt the lack of chemistry and I did not expect her to call again so soon. She wanted another lunch. I said I was busy. She said, if not Monday, what about Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? I’m open—you tell me! Out of guilt, I went again. And again, and so many times that she was becoming a nuisance. I cringed when I saw her number on the caller id.
She took it well, but a few months later, I happened to run into her when I was out without make-up, my hair a mess, and wearing my writers uniform: Flip-flops, shorts, and an irreverent T-shirt. She was with a new friend—a beautiful petite woman wearing a pair of really cool shoes. We said the awkward hellos, how is…what is your daughter’s name again, kind of thing, and went on. But when I looked back before getting in my car, they were both looking at me and talking.
She was telling her new girlfriend that I broke up with her, and her new girlfriend was telling her that I was no great loss, and did I always look like that? Which she probably punctuated with a shudder.
Just so you know, I have lots of friends and I am not in the habit of dumping them. But this was one time I did not click with a woman who thought she clicked with me.
Have you ever broken up with a friend? What’s the worst break-up you’ve ever done to a man or a friend? What’s the worst break-up ever done to you? Have you ever run into an ex looking fabulous?
90 Comments »
90 Responses to “Breaking Up is Hard to do…”
Ellen on 28 Jan 2008 at 7:46 am #
I do this more than I care to admit. Let me get some coffee before I confess.
Karen Rose on 28 Jan 2008 at 7:52 am #
Julia, I think it’s more common (unfortunately) to see an ex looking like horrible. I have really only one “ex” and he wasn’t really much of one, a few dates, maybe. It was over long before we mutually agreed it was so. Of course I saw him 5 years later, as I’d come straight from the dentist’s office after getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I looked like a drooling chipmunk. How humiliating.
My hair and clothes were nice, though, in an early 80’s kind of way. But my nice, preppy clothes (meant something different in the 80’s, you young pups) were totally were cancelled by the drooling chipmunk cheeks.
Ellen on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:00 am #
Let me start by saying I have some really incredible girlfriends. Three of them happen to be my sisters. Now the strange thing is, when you have that level of closeness with your own siblings, you tend to “block” new relationships. New relationships require too many explanations and obligations. Sisters require very little maintenance. My non sister friends are the same.
My really close friends never tell me that I am funny. Never. They just know that humor is part of my DNA and accept that I am willing to laugh at any situation. And I mean ANY… As in, don’t invite me to your funeral. When a new friend introduces me as “such a funny gal,” and urges me to “say something funny,” well let’s just say I’d rather go for a hot wax job. I immediately become less available, and eventually the newbie gets the picture. I never break up with words. I am too cowardly.
It just dawned on me that my “friendship” with you gals is also a bit of a blocker to new relationships. I am very content that we get to laugh, sigh and share and none of you care if I am still in my PJs at 2pm. I like that you think I am funny, but demand it from me. I like that when I am serious, you accept it.
Mostly, I like that I will never have to break up with you.
FreshEChelle on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:01 am #
Julia, my friend break up was similar to yours. She started as a singleton introduced by a friend who moved out of town and I was from 3000 miles away. By the time she had become a stay at home mom and I was on a career path & moved back east, it became a chore to endure those biweekly phone calls in which it was clear we no longer had anything in common. The mutual friend finally ended it with her which led to a letter to me saying “if you don’t write back, I’ll know you feel the same blah blah blah.” I decided it would be better for her if I didn’t answer rather than tell her what I really felt. I have a high maintenance sister who I love, I don’t have room in my life for high maintenance friends.
Since my lovelife is sadly non-existence for quite some time, I’d say my worst break ups involved the people I’ve had to fire. The few times I’ve had to do for people who just didn’t get how to do their job, it’s painful. When they do something egregious, it’s painless.
Ellen on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:02 am #
I meant DON’T demand it from me…
Good time to mention that I like that we don’t care about typos in this room
Ellen on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:17 am #
I recently had a friend who told me too much. She was cheating on her husband and told me way too much about what she did during her “lunch breaks.” What made it worse was she frequently told me that I “was the only one in the world who knew.” The pressure was too much for me.
First of all, if you tell me stuff like that I cannot help but share the details with my husband. So now two people knew. DH had trouble looking at her without slapping a huge “A” on her chest. Then we had to suffer through bumping into her sweet husband in the grocery store. It was horrible for us.
Finally, I broke up with her. I told her that I thought she had mental issues that should be addressed. I told her that she was in danger of losing her family and that I did not want to be a witness to it. I did, however, tell her that she would always be my friend and that I would always be there for her. (Coward!)
I haven’t heard from her since. (Phew)
Freedom Writer on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:40 am #
My best friend from high school and I became college roommates. During our freshman year she went off the deep end. She got together with a boyfriend who was slimy, stop going to classes and dropped out of school. But she never turned in her dorm key, and she would show up at my dorm room at all hours of the day or night. One weekend when I went home for a visit, she and her boyfriend spent the weekend in the room have sex. When my grandmother and aunt dropped me off on Sunday afternoon, I pointed out which room was mine and in the window I saw my friends naked back. When I got up to the room, she and her boyfriend were just getting dressed. It is a good thing I didn’t bring my aunt and grandma with me. A couple weeks after that, on one of her surprise visits, she left her key in the room as she went down the hall to use the bathroom and her key got lost. I suspect it landed behind the radiator. OOPS!
Freedom Writer on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:45 am #
With my ex husband, he was in the process of getting involve with the second other woman in less than 2 years, when I asked about it he said that he did not know if he loved me anymore. Since he was laying on the grass I kicked him in the ribs. Years later he told me that his ribs ache when the weather changes. He married that second other woman and 16 years later she told him the same thing that he had told me when we broke up. He called and apologized 16 years too late. He is now married for a 3rd time and his wife looks alot like me. Hmm makes you think doesn’t it?
Malady on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:10 am #
Ex girlfriends are an interesting bunch. You so much of their past and so little of their present. I find that i just drift away from people, we lose touch we cant be bothered to cal ect ect ect. and suddenly its been a few years since you talked.
I can only remember saying it wont work out any more to one friend and that was when i was 12. We both realised that people weren’t going to leave us alone anymore. stupid people not letting a girl and a guy be just friends.
He was my best and dearest, after that i had to deal with the whole pre-teen and teen girl click system.
Karen Hawkins on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:21 am #
When I was younger (ahem!), I used to think that it was important to Be Nice. My mother taught me that there was no excuse not to Be Nice, no matter how much the other person did or did not deserve it.
That’s baloney. I need to Be POLITE at all times, no matter the manners of the other person. BUT I save my Being Nice for people who are nice to me.
I don’t think women understand the difference between BP and BN which is why we get sucked into doing things, going places, taking care of things, and being with people we sometimes shouldn’t. It’s hard to say no and BN at the same time, BUT it’s actually pretty easy to say no and BP — you just add “OH, I wish I could, but!” at the beginning of the sentence and you’re covered.
I’ve learned over the span of my young life (ahem! ahem!) that there’s not enough time to BN to absolutely everyone, including the people who don’t deserve it. It’s also important that you cut negative people out of your sphere, so yeah, I have some exes!
Karen Hawkins on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:25 am #
Like Ellen, who had to let her friend go — sometimes, people you care about take paths you can’t support or follow, or perhaps there’s just not enough commonality there, and for your own health, you have to let them go.
Julia, you are an inspiration. You did the right thing, were honest, ripped off the bandage, and were very polite. That’s better for everyone. Brava, m’dear!
Malady on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:30 am #
LoL.Karen- if your young at heart then youll br truly old. or thats what my mother says. ANd how do you deal with people you dont want to be girlfriends with anymore, espeicially ifthier in your main social group. Iknow a girl and she used to be a good friend but now shes just irratating. No-one seems to feel this way and shes almost everywhere i go.
Margaret Garlanad on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:34 am #
Karen, what a wonderful explanation of the difference between Polite and Nice. You got it in one!
I was raised in the 40’s/50’s South and was taught one must always, always BN. No matter what. Oh how I have suffered for that thru the years. Even now, I slap that stupid smile on my face and prepare to BN before I catch myself and just BP. It took me years to learn not to feel guilty for say _gasp_ No when I don’t wanna. Years before that to put my tongue to the roof of my mouth to actually form the word.
The amazing thing I learned is that people still like me in spite of not always BN. It’s never too late.
SnikWhite on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:37 am #
We’d been friends since high school. I came up to see her 10 years later. I stayed at her house. The mood was tense. We didn’t laugh or talk much. I found reasons to get out of the house. We went out and tried to have fun, included alcohol into the mix, and this did nothing to improve the chemistry. We haven’t talked since that trip and I don’t foresee that changing.
The worst break up from a friend I experienced was coming home to find my stuff on the front lawn. Thankfully this relationship has been repaired…and is better than ever I’d say. The worst relationship break up was my most recent, and mostly its because there was no explination. I thought we were happy, and apparently we weren’t. I just missed the memo.
I think there is a great cosmic curse that when you run into your ex, you will have your hair tied up into a sloppy pony tail, no make-up, stained tshirt and will inevitably be rushed and slightly out of breath so you look like a complete idiot. Maybe its just me.
cail on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:40 am #
Ooo. This is a tough one! I’ve been in a few situations where there have been friend breakups or reducing a close friendship to something less. I had one friend who I was very close with in college, who was quite a handful. I moved her multiple times from her first apartment, to another guy’s to another guy’s etc. I stayed with her during break ups, and woke up for the 3am phonecalls. After a few years of this, a guy I’d been with ended things, and she became MIA. I called her a month later, told her she was a bad friend and downgraded the friendship.
Another friend from a group in HS was always negative and brought the group down. She would harp on issues of our mutual friends and would talk badly about girls in the group behind their backs. Finally we stopped inviting her on group outings. A negative influence in your life is just not worth the trouble, if it doesn’t bring anything to the table.
Margaret Garland on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:43 am #
Good grief! I just noticed my last name has been mis-spelled with an extra “a”. What idiot did that? Oh. Right. It was me.
An example of me BN. In the mid sixties, I bought a pair of shoes at a mall shoe store. Got them home and they were miserably uncomfortable. Did I take them back? Don’t be silly! This was in my Southern BN years. I was afraid to take them back because I feared the saleman would get mad at me.
Pardon me while I scream at that young-woman-that-was-me. Like that pimply faced kid would have cared. Or even been there. Those shoes, however, became a catalyst for change after haunting me for a few years. I gave them to Goodwill and resolved to become a Steel Magnolia instead of a Wilting Violet. I’m still a WIP.
Politely Yours,
Margaret
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:46 am #
Ellen, I happen to have the best sisters in the world. We are truly soul mates — so I agree, sisters don’t need work.
Like Malady, I tried to fade into the woodwork, but the woman kept calling me! And Karen and Margaret, it took me so long because I, too, have been raised with the BN syndrome–terrorists could invade the home and we’d be encouraged “not to put ourselves on their level”and be nice.
Ellen, if a friend was telling me things like that — ohmigod, I don’t know what I would do. That would be so uncomfortable!!
Freedom, I wish I could have given him a good kick on the other side for you. Tag-team
KariE on 28 Jan 2008 at 10:08 am #
The worst break up I had when I was younger. A girlfriend of mine had moved about 2 hours away and had come to spend the weekend with me. Evidently she didn’t feel the same way about us being great friends because she had woken up early and called her father to come pick her up. I woke up, walked into the kitchen as she was walking out the door and she threw a letter at me. I opened the note to find that I was no longer her friend, I wasn’t fun, and to not call her ever again cause she didn’t like me. It was like 6th or 7th grade but I still remember the heart break I felt.
Then there was a time when my best friend and I had the best break up about 8 years ago. I had put all her stuff on the front lawn. She was moving out anway and I was just helping her. I’m sure I could have done it a little more tactfully but when anger and bitchiness are running through your veins you tend to do things your nomally wouldn’t do. That and the fact I had an evil/vindictive SIL to assist. (cont.)
KariE on 28 Jan 2008 at 10:10 am #
I call it the best beacuse we wouldn’t have had our kiss and make up 4 years later without that break up. 14 years and going strong.
I think we learned that we can be friends but we can’t live togather.
Freedom Writer on 28 Jan 2008 at 10:11 am #
Julia, thanks for the help! High five!
I was fortunate with husband number 2. We will celebrate 25 years together in October. Although I do need to boot DH in the rear on occasion (even the best DH’s need this from time to time.) at least he doesn’t have a wandering eye.
SuzyQ on 28 Jan 2008 at 10:41 am #
I’ve never had a break up with a friend but I have lost touch with a few. The phone calls got farther in between and we just moved on. Some I might not talk to anymore but once in a while we’ll email or im each other.
As for ex’s, the worst I had was in HS. The guy I was dating came up to me casually and told me he was back together with his old girlfriend. I never saw it coming.
Hey Keri! I had a feeling that was you in Snik’s post!
SuzyQ on 28 Jan 2008 at 10:42 am #
oops! Sorry I spelled you name wrong, Kari
ct009ct on 28 Jan 2008 at 10:50 am #
Wow, an unexpected reason to be thankful for my upbringing.
I’m an Army Brat who at the age of 18 became an Army Wife.
In the 18 AB years and the 22 AW years, I never had to break up with a friend.
If I accidentally made friends with someone unsuitable, I would just be polite, tolerant and very busy until one of us PCS-ed. (moved)
In the 12 years since retirement, we’ve been lucky enough to make friends with low-maintenance people like ourselves.
ct009ct on 28 Jan 2008 at 10:54 am #
Oh, yeah, and if anyone ever broke up with me, I was too dense to notice.
Alice Audrey on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:11 am #
I once had two ex boyfriends move in together. For years after I had nightmares abaout walking into a room and finding all my old boyfriends talking about me.
KariE on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:14 am #
*raises hand, lowers head* It was me SuzyQ.
RachelG on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:17 am #
I’ve had several friends who’ve turned out to be real freaks, and I’ve had no problem kicking them to the curb. Now, I can tolerate unusual people. In fact, I really like to be around some twisted sisters. I always feel so normal after our get togethers, but I don’t tolerate mean spiritedness. There is a difference between cattiness, and being vicious. I loath jealousy and can’t be around jealous people. It’s just so toxic.
Every time I’ve run into the former friends, I’ve looked good. Usually because it’s at some writer’s event and I’ve made an effort, but if I’d run into them covered in mud, I wouldn’t care. I don’t care what they think about me. If I cared, they’d still be in my life.
Rachelg
claudia dain on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:25 am #
I think girlfriend break-ups are almost worse than boyfriend. Or maybe they’re just different levels of pain. *g* My experience with girl break-ups is that they’re more vicious, more permanent, and more puzzling—-that’s when they break up with me. When I break up with a girlfriend, of course it’s perfectly logical and I’m being totally reasonable, and as polite as possible, naturally. Goes without saying.
Karen Hawkins on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:28 am #
Malady - I like that saying — If you’re young at heart, you’ll never be truly old. I need that embroidered on a pillow!
Margaret, I think Southern women get a double whammy of the ‘be polite no matter what.’ It’s unhealthy.
Lol! Snik’s and Kari’s lurid pasts are revealed! Actually, it’s a pretty sweet story. And shows you both have a lot of maturity to realize that the problem wasn’t anything more than the old ‘can’t live together’ issue and you’re still great friends. AWESOME!
And RachelG, you ALWAYS look good. You’re a tractor beam of hotness and I wish I had your sense of style.
SnikWhite on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:49 am #
Karen, if you only knew how lurid our pasts really get LOL. I am truly blessed to be able to look back on where we came from and to laugh, and have Kari to laugh along with. Plus, if you don’t go through the hard times, you have no point of reference for how good it truly is now.
RachelG on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:57 am #
Karen H,
“tractor beam of hotness ” This cracks me up. If you could see me sitting here with bed head and wearing my most comfy worn out flannel jammies, I think your image of me would be blown.
Claudia,
I do think ending a friendship is worse than breaking up with a guy. Whenever I’ve broken up with a guy, they just went away. Girl friends stick around long enough to cause damage before they leave. I too, think that is real puzzling.
zambonigirl on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:22 pm #
I agree with Claudia-it’s easier to break up with men than women. I broke up with a woman a few years ago. I think she wanted more from me than I could give her, and I also really felt like she kept trying to “buy” me. It was really awkward, and we have several friends in common. We cooled it for a long, long time. I sort of stopped hanging out with the mutual friends, which was hard, and distanced myself from a lot of our common interests “just in case.”
I thankfully have a happy ending-she admitted that she was looking for something more from me and apologized. She backed off and stopped making me feel uncomfortable, and I think she started feeling comfortable with herself as well. We’re not *close*, but we are there for each other if we need each other.
Lisa H on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:28 pm #
Karen H - I love your definition of BN and BP and totally agree with you!
Once I had a very best friend who was also my neighbor. We talked several times a day on the phone and watched each others kids and shopped together etc. Well, she was a very unforgiving and jealous person, not to me but directed to her mother who I thought was a lovely woman and also a very forgiving woman. Her husband was adoring and her children well-behaved, so I couldn’t figure out why she was so miserable. I ended it in an email. I just asked her not to call me for 3 or 4 days so I could get a rest from all that was going on in her head. She was beyond furious. She didn’t speak to me for over a year. I finally wrote her a letter saying I was sorry for hurting her (not for what I said though because I did mean what I said) and that I hoped we could be friendly aquaintances. She accepted that and we are cordial to each other whenever we happen to see each other.
cont.
Lisa H on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:30 pm #
I realized that that friendship was costing me too much time and effort that I should have been devoting to my own family.
Let me also say that I have several friends who have been my friends for decades and would do anything for them, but some people seem to cross the lines of what is asking “too much”.
Lisa H on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:33 pm #
Oh and I have another friend who has a great husband, one of the best, and she has been confiding in me that she is in love with another man!!! What do you do with that info.? I feel terrible everytime I see her husband, and wish I could do something to help, but truly I don’t think I can.
Ladies, if you are going to commit adultry or fall in love with someone else, do your friends a favor and DON’T TELL THEM! It’s too much weight for them to carry.
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:34 pm #
Snik and Kari, that’s hilarious — how cool that no one held any grudges in the Great Lawn Debacle.
Freedom, I got lucky with #2, too
Rachel — I wish I could be as mature as you and not care what others think. Alas, I have that gene — CWOT — along with the BN gene.
Lisa H — I have lived many many years — I am too vain to admit how many — but I am constantly taken aback when the vicious side of someone comes out. I don’t have it in me, at least I hope I don’t, and I am always surprised when someone has it in them.
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:35 pm #
Oh, oh, oh, and liars! I cannot abide liars! Nothing makes me feel dumber than liars.
Is it just stupid me? I take everyone at face value. If you tell me you were the Queen of the Nile, I’d believe you because why would you lie? And here again, I am always shocked to find out someone is less than truthful with me. Kids, men, friends, you name it. And people around me will say, Oh come ON — you really thought she was Queen of the Nile?? And I think, well….yeah. She said she was.
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:41 pm #
P.S.!! Lurker alert — a very nice woman, Mary, wrote me and said she comes to goddess blogs but wasn’t certain how to break in with all the women in the room.
I told her to jump right in, because we’re such a great and welcoming group.
Mary, if you’re out there, please join us! We promise we won’t break up with you! We won’t call you too often or impose on you with our problems. We’ll be the best BFF you ever had in cyberspace!
amy1242 on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:50 pm #
I’ve had two experiences with girl break ups. The first was a very close friend of mine who got so emotional after having her kids that I was afraid to joke around with her for fear she would burst into tears and run out the door (it actually happened twice in public). I tried everything to make her happy and get her over her “blues”, but it ended up always being a stressfull situation, she would just snap. She ended up becoming a recluse for several years and one day my Christmas card came back as ‘undeliverable’. She moved without telling me. We’ve talked since, but she’s never been the same.
The second time was with a friend who just never grew up. The last time I was out with her she got into a bar fight with a very nice guy who was just paying her a compliment. She chipped his tooth when she blindsided him with a right hook. I realized I was getting too old to be babysitting my friends when I went out to relax and have ‘adult time’ away from my kids. Life’s too short!
Freedom Writer on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:56 pm #
Yes Mary, if you are out there today do join in.
I have only been part of the goddess blog for about three weeks, and they haven’t thrown me out yet. The goddesses and the rest of the group are easy to talk to and they keep the party going.
See you on the blog soon!
amy1242 on 28 Jan 2008 at 12:59 pm #
And Mary, join in on the fun! We would love to hear from you. Got a break up story to add? Do tell!!
Julia, I’m with you on the liars thing. I hate falling for someone’s lies.
Nicole Jordan on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:01 pm #
Julia, I think you pushed a sensitive hot button with a lot of us!
Nice vs polite… great pov, KarenH!
I’ve been on both the receiving end and dishing end of broken friendships. I don’t let myself get imposed on too often, so I’ve never been in quite that situation, Julia.
But I’m a very loyal person and it really hurts when women who you considered close friends decide they don’t need/want you as a friend any more. But then, that makes me question their original motivation in the first place. Their friendship couldn’t have been too deep if they decided to end it.
And yes, it is very very satisfying to meet them again if you’ve had some successes in your life since your breakup! Ok, I’m a Scorpio, so just color me vindictive.
Margaret Garland on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:05 pm #
Thanx for the Lurker alert, Julia. Mary is suffering from the BN syndrome. She doesn’t want to butt into the coversation. Unless she gets up before dawn, the conversation will always be going.
Go right ahead and butt, Mary. Why should our opinions be any more vaulted than yours. Heck, I have opinions on things I know nothing about. I have to look at my kids/grandkids rolling their eyes at my pearls of wisdom. Here, I can happily think that all are just blown away by it.
Seriously, I lurked for awhile. The Goddesses don’t realize how intimidating it is to actually communicate with an idol. Meaning them if you’ve read their books for yonks.
At least jump in and say Hi.
Margaret
SuzyQ on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:06 pm #
Ha Julia! I’m so with you on the liar thing. I once worked with a girl who did it all - and was even on the cover of Ski Magazine (is there such a magazine??). And here I believed her. It all caught up to her in the end - she was fired for lying.
Oh! And Hi Mary! Do join the fun!
Margaret Garland on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:10 pm #
Us Scorpios know how to vindict don’t we, Nicole. That’s the other thing Southern women learn at their mother’s knew. Vindict behind their backs. heh heh
Somebody please kick me off the computer. I need to move my bed and clean under it. I’m in great hopes of getting a new one this week. The thing hasn’t been moved in _cough, cough_ years. I dread it.
Whre are my latex gloves? If something starts pulsing and growling, I’m outta here!
Laboringly yours,
Margraet
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:25 pm #
SuzyQ, I have to admit that there are times I jokingly exaggerate the truth for grins. But sometimes, people believe me. Example:
Future Husband: Do you play tennis?
Me: Yes, of course! I’m really good at it, too! (thinking anyone can see I’m not)
Future Husband: Oh yeah? How good?
Me: I was the southwest regional champion. hahahaha!
Years later I overhear him telling someone I was the southwest regional champion. I said, NO! NOOOOOO! He, looking shocked, said: You said you were!
I guess I married the male version of me, LOLOLOL
Karen Hawkins on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:41 pm #
Mary, come out, come out, wherever you are! We’re very friendly and never bite because we all know how to BN AND BP.
Julia, you told me you were the Southwest Regional Champion of Tennis, too! I’m so SHOCKED to find that you’re not!
Ok, ok. I knew you were kidding. Just wanted to give poor Jack London some company there in the Gullible Aisle.
I can’t abide liars, either. Especially people who, when they make a mistake, don’t just fess up and say, “Hey, I screwed up. Sorry and I won’t do it again.” I’m an adult. I can say, “Thanks. So long as it doesn’t happen again, I’m cool with it.” But noooo . . . you get those people who will tell huge whoppers and, frankly, THAT makes me madder than any fault they may have committed. Sheesh!
SuzyQ on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:41 pm #
Julia! You mean you’re NOT a regional tennis champ??? Please don’t tell KarenH . . . LOL!
SuzyQ on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:42 pm #
Oh no! I’m too late, Karen already knows!
Lisa H on 28 Jan 2008 at 1:57 pm #
Julia, glad to know about the tennis championship. I too have some things going for me: I’m a natural blonde, I weigh 129 lbs and I sleep with Johnny Depp…no really I do.
claudia dain on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:01 pm #
Margaret G, do not move the bed! Whatever is growing under there deserves a chance to live. It is not beyond possible that you will be thrown off Mt. Oly for moving a bed, not to mention throwing out your back.
I think I speak for the majority here in stating that we will NOT be friends with women who move beds to vacuum.
Yasmin on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:07 pm #
I had a horrible break up with a boyfriend once. I still cringe at how badly I handled it. I was in 7th grade(I know puppy love) and I met him through the many programs our mothers had enrolled us in for summer school and for weekends during the school. We had gone to a to the park with whole school and there it started and I became his gf. A couple weeks later it wasnt working out. Me being such a coward, I called him to break up, he wouldnt let me. We decided to talk at school. Come school he had a whole group of his friend suporting him. I was so embarrased. I told him no it coudnt go on (in front of his friends) He said to give him a chance. I finally said yes to the pressure. I week passes by and I call him on thursday to say its over. I held firm. Flash forward a couple years he asked me to prom my senior year ( as friends) as he walked me to my door he said he wanted to keep in touch apparently he still wanted to be my friend he calls every so often.
zambonigirl on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:08 pm #
Has anyone ever had a friend who has to one-up you all the time? I don’t mean that they get paid more or have more friends, I mean the kind that if you have a bad day, they had the day from hell. If your goldfish died, their cat died. If you had a bad experience at a restaurant, they went to the worst restaurant in the entire world. And let’s not forget that if you had a fantastic day, they start crying because you just don’t understand the stress that they’re under. If you get nominated to win an award for your poetry, their grandmother just had a siezure of some kind. If one of your friends just met George Clooney and got his autograph for you, she’s positive that she found a lump in her breast and has to go to the hospital RIGHT NOW.
Just me?
Yeah, I dropped her.
Yasmin on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:08 pm #
Well I havent had any break ups with any of my friends. Its more of a letting go thing. I have a friend in L.A. that I go visit whenever Im in town. I usually make it a point to call her every so often and when her baby was born I asked for days off and surprised her at her parents house 2 days after her delivery.We used to be really close but I moved to central california about 5 hrs away. Well recently I have been feeling that I put alll the effort into our friendship. I started thinking that maybe she didnt want my friendship anymore and being BN. I stop calling her about 1/2 a year ago to see if she still wanted to be my BF she would get in touch. Well she did!! She thought I had forgotten about her and to say that her baby was a girl this time. I love baby girls (nothing wrong with baby boys but there is cuter stuff out there for girls). I told her what a felt and she said that sometimes she gets too caught up with 2 babies, school, and her DH. but now calls more often than befor
Yasmin on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:14 pm #
I am crushed Lisa. I thought Johnny Depp only slept with me
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:18 pm #
Yasmin, you must have been a great girlfriend!
Margaret, if Claudia says you don’t do it, then DON’T DO IT. She’s the clean freak in the group. If she says you can get away with it, its definitely a pass!
Zamboni, I know a couple of women like that. Isn’t that hilarious? I am fascinated by it, actually, the need to one-up.
KariE on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:25 pm #
Julia- Untill now it was known as The Fight. I like your title better.
Lisa H- Does Johnny know how TO PLEASURE A LADY?
(I’m starting to like these plugs.)
KariE on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:28 pm #
OR is he THE RUTHLESS CHARMER acting as THE DANGEROUS GENTLEMAN?
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 2:31 pm #
To me, he’s just a BEAUTIFUL STRANGER.
Yasmin on 28 Jan 2008 at 3:18 pm #
Actually Julia I dont think I was.I will come clean. I was a HORRIBLE GIRLFRIEND!! I was a band geek so I ignored him all the time and only marching band members were allowed in the common rm ( I spent all my time there)
I’ve gotten better now. Johnny doesnt complain
Yasmin on 28 Jan 2008 at 3:21 pm #
Karie- I think of him as The Pirate Lord *sigh*
Nicole Jordan on 28 Jan 2008 at 3:41 pm #
>>>Us Scorpios know how to vindict don’t we, Nicole.
Oh, yeah, Margaret, lol.
Mary, I second every one else’s invite! The first time I ever respond on a romance board, it was because a few readers encouraged me (Deb Marlowe was one, bless her.) And I am soooo grateful they did. I’ve made lifelong friends through these boards and blogs.
KariE, you go, Girlfriend! You’re so great at this PR stuff, we oughta be giving you a salary.
And finally…
>>>Seriously, I lurked for awhile. The Goddesses don’t realize how intimidating it is to actually communicate with an idol. Meaning them if you’ve read their books for yonks
I know how you feel, Margaret! The thing about the resident goddesses (the ones who have statues) is that we’re all long-time readers, just like all the other wonderful goddesses here. And just like all writers who post regularly, we started at the very beginning, struggling to learn the craft and then to become published and stay published. If you keep that in mind, then we’re not so very intimidating after all!
Lisa H on 28 Jan 2008 at 3:44 pm #
Yes to : Pirate Lord
Double yes to knows how to Pleasure a Lady and yes he has Ruthlessly Charmed my Heart.
He’s everyman and he’s got it all going for him!
Marie Conley on 28 Jan 2008 at 3:51 pm #
Wow, never even heard of such a thing. I guess it’s because all of my friends I’ve been friends with since before jr. high.
I have 2 best friends that I love dearly and know everything about me. Then my sister. Then acquaintances. If you wouldn’t be sitting next to me in jail then you aren’t my friend.
KariE on 28 Jan 2008 at 4:15 pm #
Yasmin- I second that *sigh*
LisaH.-Awesome!!
Nicole-Remembering this is a fault of mine. Meaning I don’t. I need constant reminders of important things.
ie. The release of To Pleasure A Lady is tomorrow.
OH, that’s reminder #2!!
I think KarenH’s *subtle* reminders were clinchers in me buying her book last Tuesday.
cail on 28 Jan 2008 at 4:30 pm #
Her shameless plus, and the newsletter. The newsletter reminded me that it was coming out.
(Making a mental note on the next book to go buy…)
Incidently, I didn’t mention this before, but I strongly prefer drifting apart to having to abruptly ending a friendship. Much easier on the heart.
Lismore on 28 Jan 2008 at 5:33 pm #
Zambonigirl, yes I have a friend who has to do the one-up with our daughters who are the same age.
I’ve taken the wimp route with ending friendships…..I don’t make an effort to contact the person and have lots of plans when they want to get together.
Suzanne Enoch on 28 Jan 2008 at 5:51 pm #
I broke up with a guy after a couple of dates because I just didn’t click with him. And then about 18 months later — and I swear this is true — I saw him on “The Weakest Link”. He had a new wife, a baby girl, and won $50K.
He was a nice guy, so I was actually quite happy for him.
Julia London on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:19 pm #
WOW, Suz! How quick was that? Seriously–a wife and baby in 18 months? But how funny is it you saw him on the weakest link?
Yasmin on 28 Jan 2008 at 8:50 pm #
I second the WOW!! He must work really fast.
Suzanne Enoch on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:11 pm #
Apparently I didn’t break his heart. *g*
Margaret Garland on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:12 pm #
I’m sorry Claudia and Julia. I went away and actually moved the bed. Not to worry. It’s on wheels. Claudia, who said anything about vacuuming? Did I say I was going to vacuum? Don’tbesilly!
I did find some interesting things under there. Besides a lot of cough drop wrappers. I found several of my favorite bookmarks. They are big, colored paper clips called HotClips. I get them at Office Max. But they are bookmarks to me. I also found a couple of paperbacks I’d been looking. I’m sure you writers will appreciate that. I’m now the proud owner of 3 copies of “Lord of Scoundrels”. 2 of the old cover and o ne of the new. Hey! You can’t have too many copies of that book! Also found was enough black Cocker fur to knit a whole ‘nother dog. The reason for the latex gloves. You thought I was joking? I used those for everything where I might get my dainty hands yucky.
I wish I had Claudia’s cleaning gene. I was cheated.
Margaret
Lisa H on 28 Jan 2008 at 9:48 pm #
Margaret - LOL “A whole nother dog!”
Sabrina Jeffries on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:30 pm #
ct009ct, I understand about the moving away thing. As a missionary’s daughter, I moved enough to know that if I didn’t like someone, I could just put up with them until we moved. Or they moved. Or both of us moved.
Claudia will tell you that I am the Queen of BN category. I am trying very hard, however, to learn to be the BP. I end up doing a lot of stuff I don’t want to do, and that’s got to stop, or I’ll never make my deadlines!
Karen Hawkins on 28 Jan 2008 at 11:53 pm #
KariE, I and my mother thank you for buying my book. She really wants me to move out of her guest room.
No, seriously, we live in different states, but I sometimes show up at her house and hang out in her guest room long enough for her to want me to be gone again. And like all good daughters, I eventually go!
Suzanne Enoch, you made me snort diet coke all over my keyboard. That’s the FUNNIEST thing — you saw him on The Weakest Link and he won, was married, AND had a kid! Oh my gosh, how did he do that so FAST! Oh wait . . . I can see it now. IT WAS ALL A REBOUND!
Now I feel sorry for the guy. He’s obviously pining away.
Sabrina, we don’t want ANYTHING to get in the way of your deadlines so stop BN and get back to work! Sorry, that wasn’t very BP of me, was it, but heck, lady, you’ve got books to write! Books I wanna read!!!!
Margaret Garland on 29 Jan 2008 at 10:21 am #
I know this is yesterday’s blog but I had to see what else was talked about after I shut down shop.
Sabrina, you are doomed. Not only a preacher’s kid but a missonary as well. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Poor you. My maternal grandfather was a circuit preacher in Texas around the turn of the last century. He and my grandmother had 7 children who lived. That’s how they counted them back then. They all reacted differently to being preacher’s kids. My mom was also a queen of BN.
I can only imagine how hard it was to have more than one congregation watching your every move so they could tell your parents you were on a greased slide to hell.
Now, I’m off to read Nicole’s blog for today.
Angela on 29 Jan 2008 at 1:57 pm #
Wow, I felt like I was reading my own experience…up to the point where you acted like an adult and put your feelings out there and actually broke it off. I have a friend who keeps bugging me about going out, going away for the weekend, etc. I don’t click with her but feel guilty for avoiding her. So a lot of times I too just give in, go out and endure an evening. She’s very, very sweet and funny but she smothers me. She’s a few years older than me but relies heavily on what I think, do, say. She copies nearly everything. Once at a shoe outlet, on our way to an amusement park, I decided to get some comfy sneakers. She bought the same pair of shoes and we looked like twinkies (people who dress alike - on purpose) that whole day in the park. I was livid. She orders what I do and cuts her hair like mine. I guess some would consider it flattering but it gets hard to deal with becaue I almost feel stalked. Anyhoo, thanks for posting your story. I don’t feel like such an ogre.
Pesky on 30 Jan 2008 at 2:34 pm #
This topic makes my head hurt. There are so many rants going through my head about thinly veiled excuses for rudeness that I don’t know where to start.
A. She wasn’t your ex-friend. At no time did you exhibit any of the desirable traits of friendship.
B. You could have gracefully bowed out on lunch, that’s the normal way of not continuing a friendship.
C. Are you SERIOUS about even being slightly upset about what that woman said to you after you accepted an invitation to lunch and then was rude?
Pesky on 30 Jan 2008 at 2:36 pm #
BTW, I love your books. You did hit one of my hot buttons though.
Julia London on 30 Jan 2008 at 9:17 pm #
HI Pesky, and welcome to Goddess blogs! I am glad you like my books, even tho you may not like me much :-). Please don’t take any of my blogging too seriously. I probably was not clear that I did try not to accept invitations from her, but she was persistent, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I also second-guessed myself a lot and thought maybe she deserved another chance, and then finally told her I didn’t have time to be the sort of friend she wanted.
In truth, she took it well and said she’d figured that out. The rest of it, i took dramatic license with. I did run into her again, but it was pleasant, and if she and her friend were talking about me, that was my problem, not hers.
Sorry to hit your hot button!
Angela, I was lucky that she wasn’t buying the same shoes! I don’t even let my sisters do that!
KariE on 30 Jan 2008 at 9:33 pm #
Wow.
CJPrince on 31 Jan 2008 at 10:59 am #
I think the worst is being dumped with no explanation. My former best friend (by both my estimation and hers) for some reason started making excuses not to be around me and stopped inviting me to do things with her. All the while this was happening, we were emailing several times a day & having normal conversations. Finally I asked her (in one of our email conversations) what the deal was - why she didn’t seem to want to spend any time with me, and that was the last communication between us.
I sent a couple subsequent emails asking if she was really going to stop talking to me because I asked her what was going on, but it’s been 3 years now with no response - so I guess the answer to that question is “YES”!
It took me a long time to get over it, and I still don’t have any closure. It’s almost like it’s an open issue that I know is never going to be resolved.
Pesky on 01 Feb 2008 at 12:23 pm #
Eh, as I said hot button. If she was persistant, then her issue. Sometimes you can’t be polite. Sorry if I went off.
As I said, I love your books and considering how rude I was back to you…you shouldn’t let that bother you either.
I have a friend of 30 years with a master’s degree in acting, I totally understand artistic license in expression. It’s what makes a good storyteller.
Pesky on 01 Feb 2008 at 4:07 pm #
That was BTW, a very ungracious apology on my part after a very gracious response from you. .
I am sorry that I misconstrued what you meant. I love your books, and having never met you I had no right to decide if what you did was right or wrong for you. I should not have let my issues blurt out at you.
BeatriceYoung on 02 Feb 2008 at 3:16 pm #
I used to have this very good friend. We’ve been best friends since the 6th grade when I have first moved to that neighborhood. We grew up a bit, and started liking guys. She did so more because she was a bit older than me. My interest in guys were very scarce. So my friend liked this one guy, but she didn’t know how to grab his attention. So she tried jealousy. There was this one guy(my current boyfriend) who really liked her, so she used him. I felt sorry for the guy because he was a friend of mine(almost an aquaintance because we rarely spoke), and he believed that my friends affections were genuine. Her plan didn’t work, so she dumped him like so much garbage. I felt a little bad, because I kind of had something to do with it. I suggested she use jealousy to gain the man’s attention. So, by then, I told my friend that he was cute, and that I wouldn’t mind going out with him. She(wanted to be responsible for my happiness) and some other of my close frends asked him if he wanted to
BeatriceYoung on 02 Feb 2008 at 3:24 pm #
go out with me, and he was infatuated with me ever since I’ve first moved, but being a man, he contained his surge of happiness by acting indifferent(as most men do). So we went out (on Valentines Day thank you) for a few months now, and my best friend got jealous. She wanted him back because she long since abandoned her plan to gain the other gent’s attention, and wanted the happiness for herself. Being my best friend and all, she’s kept some of the notes I sent her with my writing on it. So she deviously and very secretively made a plan to write a break-up note to m beau, saying it was from me, with her handwritting that closely mirrored my own. She gave it to him, and a few hours later, he wrote a note to me saying that he broke up with me. I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me, and I felt bile rising in my throat. Of course she was there, and tried to comfort me, saying it was for the best. One of his friend’s(an ex of mine), was sent by my boyfriend to return the notes I
BeatriceYoung on 02 Feb 2008 at 3:32 pm #
had given him that day(which had the words”I Hate You” written all over them in red ink), and directions to retrieve the neklace he had given me as a token of his esteem. It was literally torn off my neck (the gold chain was very weak), and I was hurt. I stuffed the notes in my purse, and waited for the interminable day to end. I went home crying that night. The next day, we had class together(as we were in the 7th grade at the time) and his last name started with a Y, and we were forced to sit by each other. He stood up, facing away from me. I knew something was amiss, because why would someone break up with you for no reaon? I looked further into it, and I started reading the notes that were returned to me. I found one that I knew I certainly did not remember writing. i felt a surge of joy then and there. I didn’t do anything wrong, someone was trying to break us up, and for s fleeting second, I knew who it was. The next day, I told my boyfriend about it, and we resumed going out.
BeatriceYoung on 02 Feb 2008 at 3:34 pm #
He said he was relieved, because on the bus ride home, she asked him out, and he almost considered going through with it. I will never forget the day my relationship was lost forever. That is how I learned to regard my friends carefully.
Julia London on 04 Feb 2008 at 9:45 pm #
Pesky, please don’t worry about it. I didn’t think you were ungracious at all, and I can see where you would have thought what you did. Alls well!
Beatrice, that is the meanest thing I have read in a while. I wonder if hell is repeating 7th grade over and over again? hahahaha
Beatrice Young on 27 Feb 2008 at 9:56 pm #
It is…