The (Your Job Here) Bill of Rights
Jan 9th 2008
Karen HawkinsWhen Goddesses Fall To Earth
In his best-selling book, Stone Cold, David Baldacci left this intriguing Author’s Note:
“I hope you enjoyed Stone Cold. One note so people won’t e-mail telling me I made a glaring mistake: I’ve played with the time-line, putting Yuri Andropov and Konstantin Chernenko in office as heads of the Soviet Union so it would match Oliver Stone’s career as a government assassin. As a fiction writer, I have full latitude to do so. It’s an entitlement actually granted to me by the Novelist’s Bill of Rights, under the subsection “Why Bother with the Truth When You Can Just Make It Up?” It was duly enacted by Congress, an august body that has enviable experience in same.”
I dig that rule. You wouldn’t believe the people who’ve written to let me know that “There was no Duke of Dunderhead in 1802. I know because I looked it up on the net.”
Yeah, well, I made that up, so live with it, sister.
Of course, on the other side of the coin, you should hear me telling Brett Favre how to throw more accurately. If he would only listen to me, he’d never be intercepted again.
Uh huh. Right.
I wonder what would be on the Quarterback’s Bill of Rights? “Do not come up to me at a cook-out and tell me how to throw more accurately unless you’ve had more than 15 years behind the ball like I have, you silly moron.”
I suspect this sort of thing happens to us all.
Is it just me or do a lot of people delight in acting as if they’re experts at YOUR job, even though most of them have no earthly idea what it actually entails? Tell us what YOUR Bill of Rights would contain!
164 Comments »
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 6:59 am #
Btw, that was a totally gratuitous picture of My Man Brett Favre. I’m so excited about the game this weekend where I’ll sit on my couch and yell until I’m hoarse! GO PACKERS!
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:44 am #
Before we get to topic…I am a NY Giant fan. However, I believe I’m one through injection only. Go Eli!
I find that when I do a presentation or in-service to teach medical professionals how to position their patients, there is always one pain in the arse in the room who wants to challenge everything I say. I patiently deal with them, but internally I want to scream “Shut Up, Margaret!”
Funny thing is, I think we have known people like this since we were in second grade. They are the ones who raised their hand to ask a question for the sole purpose of showing everyone how much they already knew.
“That’s a good question, Margaret,” the nun would gush. Margaret would smirk at the rest of us.
Thankfully, there was always recess when someone would inevitably pelt Margaret in the head with a snowball.
Recess…the great equalizer. LOL
Gannon on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:46 am #
How about a Mom’s (or Parents’) Bill of Rights. For those times when people feel compelled to tell you exactly how to raise your children, and they don’t have any!
I love it when you here someone say, “When I have kids, they are never going to_____(insert whatever behavior you choose here).” That’s just asking for the universe to make certain your future children will do all that and more!
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:47 am #
After we beat Dallas this weekend (Thank You Jessica!) we play the Packers. Wooo Hooo. This could be fun.
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:54 am #
Oh Gannon. I so agree.
I actually had a mother of a three month old tell me how I should treat my 14 year old.
I swear she said, “Instead of demanding a certain level of behavior from your teen, why don’t you let him choose his own path so that he can discover the truth on his own.”
I looked at her sweet little baby and was tempted to say, “Pass the bong, baby!”
Bill of Rights should read: “You have no authority to comment on the beast, also known as teen, until such time as you have successfully survived dealing with one.”
Gotta hit the road…will think of this all day. Thanks for the great post, Karen!
Gannon on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:07 am #
Oh, Ellen, how right you are about teenagers! As a mother of one teenager and two more waiting in the wings, you must live with them to understand what it’s all about.
When my kids were being particularly obnoxious one day, I said, “Now I know why some species eat their young!” I swear I thought my MIL was going to choke from laughing so hard! Parenting is not for the feint of heart!
Barbara Vey on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:09 am #
I love this post because I have a friend I used to go to the movies with and he would pick apart everything. This was unbelievable, that couldn’t have happened. Hello?? This is a movie, which to me, by definition, means pretend…make believe…relax and enjoy.
It may just be part of their genetic make up and we need to forgive them…while avoiding them.
ladydawgfan on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:09 am #
Ellen, my sister would definitely agree with you on the teen beast thing. She has 14 year old twins (boy and girl). She keeps them hogtied in the back closet at certain times of the day just to get some peace (at least in her mind!). Actually, they are pretty good kids, but only because she and my brother in law sat on them constantly when they were in the pre-monster transformational stage. They can be “their own person” when they are 18 and out on their own. For now, they can be happy being Mom and Dad’s version of “their own person!”
cookeemama on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:24 am #
Interesting topic today. I’ll have to remember to check back throughout the day to see what others have to say.
I so agree with the teen/beast portion. I’ve raised several. My own and steps. Now I’m into grands. Teens are why I have gray hair beneath my L’Oreal.
LOL, Ellen. Could you please pick on somebody besides us poor Margarets? I can’t help it that i was named after Margaret O’Brien who was a popular child actress at the time. Noted for being able to cry on cue. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that. Anyway, I enjoy your posts so I’ll overlook the Margaret slurs.
Margaret. but not O’Brien
emmiebee on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:49 am #
Oh boy. You really never know how many budding animal experts there are in the world until you work in veterinary medicine. From the man who just knew that his neutered dog had impregnated his cat (yes, this was a real call), to clients putting evey substance known to man or animal on a pet’s wound because my (newspaper boy, in-law, voice in my head) told them that it would cure their dog right up. And I’m not even allowed to point and laugh at them, because 1) it is not professional, and 2) some poor pet is covered in peanut-butter/Aveeno/?????!
I leave the teens to my husband the high school teacher. He likes to get a new batch every year- I think it’s like pushing the do-over button! I’m SOOOOO happy as Auntie Em!
-Emmiebee
SuzyQ on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:06 am #
Ellen - So nice to see another Giants fan in the house - WHOO HOO!!!
I totally agree with the Mom BOR. I work with a guy who has no children but thinks he is an expert at raising them. He even emails me and my girlfriend articles about how to raise kids. Oh Puleeze! He has no clue.
Celeste on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:15 am #
I have “just” one child. I do not want one more person to ask me if and when I am having more children! Total strangers will say, “so are you having more?”.
First of all, there is no such thing as “just” a child and it’s none of your business! Personally, I wanted another one but health reasons made me delay. I don’t want to talk about it!
So my bill of rights is MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I am totally happy to discuss my little angel/son but not if I want more.
Amen-about the teenagers too-I have a 5 year old and have already eaten my words so often “I would never do…” that I just keep my big mouth shut.
Goddess Blessings to All!
Celeste, http://www.GoddessTalk.net
jessie e on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:16 am #
As a receptionist at my college, I would just like to tell everybody that when I say, “I’ll see if the dean can see you” or “I’ll take that paper in for him to sign,” it’s not an invitation for you to follow me into his office. You are supposed to wait in the receiving area. Thank you.
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:18 am #
Good Questions!!
Kari’s Bill of Rights:
-I birthed my son, I will raise my son. I will be guided by the “learn as we go” motto. Last I knew, a parenting manual didn’t pop out with the placenta.
-I was hired for a reason. If my boss didn’t think I was capable of doing my job, he wouldn’t have hired me. NOR would I have this very same job for 6 straight years.
With that said:
~If I do something it’s for a reason.
~If I said I would do it, I will
~If I said I didn’t do it, I didn’t
~Because I said so.
I’m sure there are more things that I would want in my Bill of Rights.
Oh, the stories I could tell from years ago working retail.
jessie e on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:18 am #
Also, as proofreader on the school paper, I would like to tell all the writers that they should probably listen to me when I tell them something is wrong. My job is to know grammar and good sentence structure and standards for journalism writing. So don’t think you know better than me and decide not to change something. If you think my change is questionable, tell me, and together we can make sure we get it right. And pleasepleaseplease make every change that I suggest. Don’t be sloppy and miss some. Because when the paper comes out, no matter the fact that you (page editor), the assistant editor, the editor-in-chief, and I edited the page, I will be the only one blamed for mistakes. Can you tell I’m a little bitter?
QUESTION about the Duke of Dunderhead: Do y’all make up all your lords and ladies? I always wondered how you decided on the names…
SnikWhite on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:36 am #
I work as a scheduler for a pest control company. My bill of rights would look like this
1. Customer’s have the right to remain silent. I do not care how many tests you had to have run on your goiter of the month, I just want to set your appointment and be done with it. PLEASE for the love of all that is good and holy do not talk to me about anything that oozes, pustulates or requires a stint.
2. If I turn in the schedules, they are set. It is not a jumping off point for negotiation. I am done, and going home.
3. If you ask me for a rubberband and I say here are my last two, do not ask if I have different ones. I JUST SAID I GAVE YOU MY LAST TWO! I don’t talk to hear myself speak. I mean what I say. Accept it.
4. If I am on the phone, have my cell ringing and am furiously typing on the keyboard, now is NOT the time to hover in front of me and try to mouth something to me. I WILL GET TO YOU WHEN I GET TO YOU!
5. I’m right. Accept it. Move on.
SnikWhite on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:39 am #
Oh and since I am among the literary gifted, I have a question to ask that has always bothered me…
Why is his name pronounced Far-ve when its spelled Fav-re?
Seriously…this vexes me.
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:43 am #
What game this weekend, Karen H? It’s not Superbowl time again, is it?
cail on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:44 am #
funny thing about the teenagers… my cousin who has a 10 yr old recently asked me and my brother how we ended up being such good teenagers. we simply stated that our parents left us nothing to rebel against. her hubby’s neices and nephews were kept on a very tight leash and thus rebelled heavily.
my bill of rights would include one very important rule: No stupid questions.
Do not ask me how to do something if there are instructions for it spelled out carefully, do not ask me where your desk # is if you’re looking at it….
you get my point.
ct009ct on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:48 am #
Totally of topic - I’m a Giants fan by marriage, after 30+ years of the DH cheering for them, they have grown on me. (I still have a soft spot for the Steelers) GO GIANTS!
By the way, Julia London is a long time Cowboys fan, can’t wait to hear what she has to say to us Giants fans.
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:52 am #
Here’s what I am saying to you Giants fans (grrrrr….): I am sick to my stomach. My fabulous cowboys have disappeared the last four weeks, and they do this every year!! We haven’t one a play off game since 1996, and I fear we’re just going to add another notch to the bedpost! And they say Terrell Owens is probably not playing because of his ankle sprain. Go ahead. Dance on my grave. (soooooooob!)
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:55 am #
My Bill of Rights:
I am allowed to make a mistake. I am human after all.
In one book, a secondary character went from Miss someone to Lady someone at the end of the book. It was wrong, and I just didn’t catch it. Neither did my editor or copy editor. I don’t think most readers did, either, but those who did, oooh boy. They seemed to feel obliged to warn the world about my shoddy and lazy work as an author in public forums.
Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. Mea culpa!! I made a mistake and for that I am very sorry, but with thousands of books printed, there is not much I can do about it!
ct009ct on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:57 am #
I’m a stay-at-home Grandmother, thankfully no-one tries to tell me my job anymore. And unless asked I don’t give advice (well, not often and only to family) cause Lord knows, I’ve made my share of mistakes!!!
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:16 am #
Jack London’s grandbaby wears glasses. He’s essentially blind in one eye. One day, he was with me and I went to a garage sale to buy some toys. A woman there asked me about his eye, and I told her he was blind in one eye. She proceeded to tell me he was blind because I was not a True Believer, and if I truly believed, Jesus would heal that child.
Her mother heard her and came over and asked if they could pray for the baby. Like an idiot, I said, “i guess.” (years of protestant training: everyone prays for everything). But they meant to do it right there. They began praying and laying their hands on him (he thought it was a game and was laughing) and when I snatched him up and said thank you, the older woman told me “He’s healed. Jesus has healed him. He doesn’t need the glasses anymore.”
My personal bill of rights: Please don’t assume you know anything about me or the baby just because you see us at a garage sale. con’t
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:17 am #
Jack London was ecstatic that we might have gotten a bargain cure for him at the garage sale. Unfortunately, he is still blind in one eye.
freshechelle on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:21 am #
MY retailer’s bill of rights - the customer is NOT always right. Not when the customer has gone off his/her meds. Not when the customer has some displacegression and is taking it out on my store employees. Not when the customer disputes his wife’s credit card charges because she got back at him for his infidelity. Not when the customer stole a credit card and came to my store first because luxury goods can be resold for quick cash. Not when the customer used their bag or wallet for 5 years, treated it like a trash bag and thought it had a life time warranty (whose lifetime - your’s the bag’s or my ulcer’s?).
I reserve the right to do kind things for my customers regardless of their race or purchase history because they were kind or because their complaint didn’t have a hidden agenda like scoring free product or didn’t call my colleagues racists just because they didn’t meet your unreasonable demands.
Go Giants I guess. Sorry Julia, it a hometown thing. Glad the game’s out of town (right?) ‘Coz the stadium traffic gives me a tick.
Meg on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:26 am #
I so have to agree with freshechelle!! I also work in retail (and have for a long time) and believe me — the customer is NOT always right! That would absolutely be on my Bill of Rights. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some customers that are a pleasure to see just walk through the door. But there are also the ones that you dread seeing walk through the door.
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:29 am #
Julia, something similar happened to us in a Kenny Rogers chicken place in Cincinnati when a woman saw us with a deaf baby wearing hearing aides. I had forgotten about it until I saw your post. It left me shaken at the time.
As the mother of a child with a disability, I don’t mind if you ask questions. Really, I don’t mind. I consider it part of my responsibility to help people understand the issues. Really, I do.
But please don’t come up and touch my child. Don’t tell me how to raise my child. And please, even though your heart is tender (and so is mine), PLEASE don’t give my child free stuff or get tears in your eyes over her condition. Please don’t say, “Poor thing.” That makes me CRAZY.
She has no “condition.” She is not a “poor little thing.” She is as able as any teenager you will meet. She is smart and funny, and at times, one of those normal 13-year-old beasts the others have so eloquently described.
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:30 am #
cont
Don’t feel sorry for her or for us. The last thing I want is for her to think people should feel sorry for her.
Thank you for allowing my Bill of Rights of Mothers of Special Needs Kids.
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:37 am #
Julia London, EEK! You got FAITH HEALED at a GARAGE SALE! All the good stuff happens to you! I wish I’d been there to see your face! You know if he can’t see now, then it’s obvious your Garage Sale Madonnas weren’t True Believers.
More importantly, I had no idea that you, Miss Julia, were a HCF(Hapless Cowboys Fan)! How . . . quaint!
I hope the Packers get to meet the Cowboys for the Superbowl, and THIS time I hope the Packers remember to play.
My Packers have a tendency to do the same thing — play great and then slip up and forget which way to run the ball. This has been one of their more stable years and I applaud them for developing their running game. GO BRETT! He’s so fabulous.
ct, that’s a great attitude and one I need to follow myself. As much as it bothers me to get unsolicited and wrong advice, I catch myself doing that to my kids. And boy, don’t they hate it!
fresch and Meg, there’s a special place in heaven for retail sales workers! That’s one of THE worst jobs!
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:38 am #
Karen Rose, as the sister of a special needs adult, please extend that to them, as well. They don’t need pity. They just need a smile and a nod as you would give any other adult who happens to grace your space.
Amen, sister!
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:46 am #
Ellen, I love your recess story! I threw a few snowballs myself.
Everyone who mentioned childless people telling those of us who Are Suffering (esp with teens) how to raise said kids — YES! I absolutely hate that. Especially the childless guy who is sending articles on child raising. GRRRRRRR! I’d like to lock him in an RV with my son for a week an see who comes out grinning. I don’t think it would be him.
Jessie, re: titles - sometimes we makes ‘em up, sometimes we use the real McCoy. The problem with using the real McCoy is that the second you do, someone will write and say “The Real Duke of Dunderhead was gay. How DARE you use him as a hero! Don’t you do your research?”
My under-the-breath reply is “Bite Me.” My actual response is — ok, I don’t respond to email or mail like that. No sense in feeding the trolls. I mean, who do I have to defend FICTION? Sheesh!
ct009ct on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:57 am #
Hey, Karen, you and I have the same under-the-breath reply - except more often than not, mine’s not-so-under-the-breath! LOL!
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:59 am #
Amen Karen and Julia. My husband has a seizure disorder. I cannot begin to tell you the insensitive things people have said to us. I was at a social gathering and overheard someone speaking very positively about my DH…”What a great man, accomplished lawyer, great dad, etc.” The other responded, “Yeah but did you know he’s epileptic?” As if that special condition somehow diminished his value as a human being.
Thankfully, the new medication has had him seizure free for over seven years, but I still marvel at the reactions people have to this condition.
PS Her husband was cheating behind her back.
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:59 am #
I am a HUGE Cowboy fan!! How can you not know that about me, Karen H??
How did I not know I was surrounded by so many lose–er, I mean, Giants fans? Ohmigod! There are probably even Redskin and Eagles fans lurking in this group. AAAAIIIEEEEe!
And yes, Karen R, it left me shaken. If I had actually given birth to that boy, I would have been even more horrified.
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:00 am #
I love you, Ellen
Thanks for making me laugh today.
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:00 am #
LOL LOL Ellen!! That story would not have been the same without the PS.
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:01 am #
Kari E. I cut, pasted, and printed your bill of rights. I need to borrow them today if you don’t mind. By the way, girls. Because of some of your posts, I can now add a new flavor sensation to shoot through your nose. Fresca.
Surprisingly refreshing. LOL
Keri Ford on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:05 am #
I just have to say…
…. ahem ….
GO PATS!!
I’m sure I have a bill of rights around here somewhere, but the baby just woke up and he doesn’t sound happy about it either. TTFN!
Keri Ford on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:06 am #
Oh, BTW Julia, That was some great popcorn we eat when we beat Dallas this year!
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:10 am #
Julie…hope you appreciate this AND, as a result of posting this, I will give you a free pass for calling me and my sisters of the Giants losers.
My DH is a season ticket holder for the Giants. When we were dating, he wanted to bring me to a game. Anyway, I said, “Well I’ll go, but you have to teach me some of the basic rules of the game so I know what I am watching.”
He said, “Rule Number One: No matter what, you must hate the Dallas Cowboys.”
That year I bought him a Troy Aikman Xmas Tree ornament…it still hangs on our tree 20 years later. LOL
Mia Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:13 am #
Miss Hawkins, I will be yelling my little throat hoarse on Saturday as well… maybe combined Brett will listen to us and remember to show up and play like we know they can. Okay, that was my Favre minute.
I have to agree with everyone so far, it looks like no matter what profession you’re in, someone assumes they know more than you do. But, personally, as an office guru who deals with customer service and all paperwork for our Window company… I have to agree with Julia.
Regardless of Goddess stature, I will make a mistake. And guess what, the world still spins.
I would like to add, working in a construction field of 98% men, the bill of ‘just because I’m female, sound sweet and only stand 5′2″ doesn’t mean I’m dumb or imcompetent’
ct009ct on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:16 am #
My kids will tell you I’m not that great at keeping unsolicited advice to myself, it’s a work in progress. (I’ve been working on it a really loong time - they are both over 30)
If they only knew how many times I have kept my unsolicited advice/opinion to myself - compared to how many times I voice it, they would realize how very Good at it I really am.
cail on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:16 am #
i happen to be in the unfortunate situation of a NYer dating a New Englander. During the spring/summer/fall this causes tension as i’m a die hard Yanks fan, and he loooooooove his Red Sox.
However, it has always been my rule that, since I don’t really care about Pro Football, to root for the team of the person I spend the most time with who likes a football team (does that make sense?) Therefore I have (sort of) converted from an unethusiastic Giant’s fan to an equally unenthusiastic Pat’s fan. Yes, it is against football and regional rules, but I really couldn’t care less. So yeah… I guess I’m a Pats fan. Or Giants… although I do like the Jet’s colors…
On the other hand… Go University of Wisconsin Football! Woohoo!
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:17 am #
Karen…you innocently contributed to the “Fresca Shoot.” (Kari and Snick gave me the one, two and you came in for the knock out.)
It was the way you said “It’s not Superbowl time again, is it?”
I got such a visual of you crawling out of your writing cave, TAB stained tee, eyes squinting at the light, trying to figure out what has been going on in the world while you were locked up creating murder and other fun things.
LOL…Love you too!
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:18 am #
I don’t mind Ellen.
I sit here today, sick as a dog. My dh and child have felt the need to stay home as well. I WILL have more BOR’s to add.
Starting with:
~It’s called MY office. Stay out. I close the door for a reason.
(This is sooo stupid but I have to share. Look what I learned “¿” . If ever I need to type a question in spanish, I can now do it correctly.)
amy1242 on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:18 am #
I have become very tolerant since having kids. Tolerant in just about everything in life. Now I laugh at people who think they know all the answers. Sometimes I sigh and shake my head as I walk the other way. My kids are awesome, and have taught me so much. You never see it coming at the time, thinking child bearing will be a snap, after all, your parents did it and how lame were THEY? LOL Live and learn. And Karen, I will be at the Packer game on Saturday, tailgating and getting hoarse in the stands! And Karen R…for shame! It’s the playoffs! We’re down to the nitty gritty! A very important two weeks coming up! And Julia, don’t fret yet, the cowboy’s might have had a rough patch, but I have a feeling we’ll be seeing them again…hopefully at Lambeau! Pack your long john’s if you’re coming! I’ll spring for the beer and cheese!! GO PACK!!!!
ct009ct on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:19 am #
Ellen, that’s the same #1 Rule my husband taught me.
It must be in the Giants Fan Rule Book!
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:23 am #
Funny, CT and Ellen, we have a rule here: Must Hate Giants With A Passion.
But you know what? I don’t hate them as bad as I do the Redskins, which I think is because I lived inside the beltway for about 10 years. shuuuuudder.
zambonigirl on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:30 am #
You’re absolutely right. There will be the funniest joke incorporating a law of science (Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is often used) to make something utterly ridiculous, like the direct ratio of input to output for hatemail to cat macros, and there’s always at least one jack hole who has to come in and be all, “Actually, that’s an algorithm to help prove the speed of light. Look it up.” In the end, they just make themselves look stupid.
I just can’t believe that someone would actually look up royal personages. I mean, you and the other goddesses would be in a lot of trouble if you tried to write stories for real people! I know that Sabrina based Simon Tremaine on a real person, but she acknowledged that she used actual events and a real person so that the similarities, if noticed, would be accounted for.
That disclaimer/author’s note is made of win.
See? I can be nice before I have my tea.
Gannon on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:38 am #
Julia, we are soul sisters for sure! We are big Cowboys fans in our home! And my hubby DESPISES the Redskins! You’re in good company!
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:39 am #
I hate when people make note of the fact that I only have one child and say “Did you have fertility problems?” The responses in my mind are never verbalized, but let’s just say “Bite me” is one of the gentler thoughts. I wish I had the nerve to say…
“Actually, since my first child, I have insisted that your husband wear protection.”
“Actually, black leather is impervious to sperm.”
“Actually, my husband sprinkles peat moss and waters me daily, so I could not possibly have fertility problems.”
“Actually, I am sterile. A faith healer at a garage sale impregnated me with the first child.”
SuzyQ on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:42 am #
OK, I have a confession. Even though my father slapped a Giants jersey on my when I was born, growing up I always wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. So here is one Giants fan that doesn’t hate the Cowboys (but I still want to beat them this weekend).
I already commented on raising kids, but as for my job, I can’t stand when a user tries to tell me how to program the computer. And worse is when they say “Well, at my last company, the system did this . . .” Well, if you were so happy with the last system, you can always see if they’ll take you back.
SuzyQ on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:44 am #
LOL, Ellen! I would love to see an expression if you used the first line!!!
ct009ct on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:46 am #
OMG!! Ellen!! Let’s add Hot Chocolate to our ever-growing list of drinks spewed thru our noses! The faith healers comment did it. Thanks! LOL! LMAO!
RachelG on 10 Jan 2008 at 12:02 pm #
My novelist bill of rights would say:
I am human. I make mistakes. You will find a few typos in this 95 thousand word novel. I freely admit it, but if this will upset you to the point that you will feel an overwhelming need to write to me or post each offending typo on Amazon, please put this book back on the shelf and back away. Life is to short to suffer such agony.
Rachelg
Karen Favre on 10 Jan 2008 at 12:06 pm #
I am at a tea house writing and occassionally checking the blog. The little old ladies at the table next to mine think I am crazed between loud bursts of laughter and an occassional Dallas ‘Cowboys Who?’ snarl.
Ellen, the description of Karen Rose emerging from her Writing Cave is priceless!
RachelG on 10 Jan 2008 at 12:10 pm #
I knew a woman who used to tell me how to raise my teenage daughters. Her kids were still in Hello Kitty sweaters at the time. Apparently all it took to raise perfectly behaved teenagers was to “just tell them no.”
rachelg
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 12:13 pm #
Ellen, I must agree with the other Karen. Do you have hidden cameras in my house? Or did my DH spill the beans?
Your description of me is alas, too close for anybody’s comfort. Yet today I will emerge, dressed, with makeup AND jewelry (okay, just earrings).
Today a photographer is coming to take my photo for the back cover of my new book! How exciting! I’m showing my face to the sun, to the world!
Then I wipe off all the makeup, re-don the TAB stained Tee and slither back into my hole. Murder awaits for thee. (Not you, just thee in the poetic sense.)
Bwahahahahaha.
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 12:24 pm #
Mia, I am so jealous you get to be a Cheesehead in the flesh! Tailgate some for me!
RachelG, amen! I am printing that up. I know exactly what you mean.
And Karen R, enjoy your photo shoot! We want to see the proofs!
Aemelia on 10 Jan 2008 at 12:28 pm #
GO PACK GO!!!!!
Ronlyn on 10 Jan 2008 at 12:33 pm #
oh nonononononononono [says this football loving Seattle-ite] GO HAWKS!!!!!!!!
Anyhoo…..
the medical office manager’s Bill of rights.
” I do have an appointment open, but I’m not giving it to you because you’ve been rude & annoying.”
there are more rattling around in my brain, but they all just sound so mean.
Or the Mommy bill of Rights:
“Because I said So”
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 1:06 pm #
As an aside…
One of my favorite scenes in “Something About Mary” is when Jerry Stiller struggles to say his name.
“Brett Far Vra”
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 1:09 pm #
Hey Karen…why don’t you let us vote on your proofs. It was soooo much fun when Suzanne gave us the choices. Granted you get final say, but I think we did a lovely job last time.
Lisa H on 10 Jan 2008 at 1:14 pm #
Karen R - be careful about posting your new pictures…just remember what happened to Suzanne E when Juzie got a hold of them…Karlia or Julren not sure how this will play out!
BTW aren’t we all a little “special needs” in one area or another. Perhaps not to the extreme some are, but truly how dare we judge another, so far I haven’t met anyone who has it all together!
When I was a teenager, I used to babysit the little girl Chrissy who lived behind me. She was deaf, and we never really defined her that way, she was just Chrissy. Well, Chrissy grew up and became a professor for the school of deaf in Rochester, NY, is drop dead gorgeous and has a beautiful family. Go Chrissy!
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 1:52 pm #
Now if Karlia has Julia’s tall frame with my head, I could live with that. Julren, not so much.
Suzanne Enoch on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:00 pm #
I love the RachelG bill of rights. As a historical writer I would only add that I do research. Reading other romance books for history lessons does not count as research - because they’re fiction. And yes, there is such a thing as dramatic license.
colinfirthfan on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:03 pm #
Ronlyn, I have used ” Because I said so” sooo very many times!
I don’t mind my immediate family giving me advice. I give them plenty of advice and we are perfectly happy to disagree with each other and say mind you own biz if we are not in the mood to listen!!
Ellen, I had 2 kids (my youngest is now 4) and still people ask me when I am having another kid. Was amusing at first now it is just annoying. I tell them to have their own!!!
I love your responses by the way.
The other thing on my BOR -
Please do NOT put your hand on my pregnant stomach! You do not know me well enough to do so
Kay on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:14 pm #
Thank you for this blog today.
As the mother of two children who were adopted from Korea, my BILL OR RIGHTS goes something like this:
DON’T ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS OR MAKE STUPID COMMENTS ABOUT MY FAMILY.
1) They are my REAL children; there is nothing imaginary about them.
2) Do not ask me who their REAL parents are–I am not an imaginary mom.
3) My kids are not LUCKY my husband & I adopted them. WE are the lucky ones to get to be their parents——yes, even the teenager
4) Do not ask me, or them, about the reasons their birth parents chose adoption for them—this is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
5) I did not BUY my children. Adoption expenses pay for birth mother and child medical care, legal fees, etc. Children are not bought and sold in legal adoptions.
6) If you or someone you know is considering expanding your family by adoption, please, please talk with me so I can tell you all about or wonderful experience.
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:24 pm #
Hi Aiemelia! And heck, yes, GO PACK GO!
I think we should definitely vote on KarenR’s pics! I gotta see these. Karen is gorgeous in peson, but ooh la la, we all need to see her all spruced up and making sexy, pouty faces for the camera!
I just saw a show on the Food network where they were making gumbo and talking about how French people came to settle in the New Orleans area. When the Brits took over Canada, the French Canadians (Arcadians) were forced out of Canada and moved to the New Orleans area. They were invited there by the Spanish (who controlled the area) in the hopes of establishing a more Catholic presence. After the Arcadians arrived, they married into the native American population and the word Arcadian became Cajun.
I thought that was interesting and explains why there are so may French names there like Favre.
See? If it has to do with the Pack in any way, I’m there, baby. I’m there.
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:26 pm #
Oh no Suzanne. I can’t rely on historical romance as research because it’s fiction? Have a heart. Historical Romance is so much more informative and fun than some dusty old reference book.
Sheeesh…now I have to question whether or not I really know how to use medieval weaponry. Karen Rose?
*Whaaaaaa (*Ellen taking dramatic license?)
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:29 pm #
Does the Food Network count as research? Please please say yes!!!
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:37 pm #
“Does the Food Network count as research? Please please say yes!!!”
If so, do you get to claim your cable bill on your taxes?
Karen Favre on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:46 pm #
The Food Network counts for Favre research, so while I can’t take it off my taxes, I can still learn all sorts of great recipes for my SUPERBOWL party where the PACKERS will STOMP ****** in the GROUND.
Just sayin’.
And Kay, my sister is adopted and boy, do people ask stupid questions and assume they know things. Very insensitive. Sorry you’re having to deal with that!
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 2:49 pm #
On a serious note…I have been watching the attack on Cassie Edwards for “borrowing phrases from reference books” and let me tell you, it’s a blood bath. While I don’t condone plagiarism in any form, the general reaction from those bloggers is not dissimilar to a pack of rabid dogs.
I’d like to take this opportunity to say, of all the blogs I looked at over the past few days, we are BY FAR, the kindest, sweetest, funniest and most supportive group on the internet. As much as I joke, I consider each of you to be a sweet spot in my heart.
Karen Favre on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:19 pm #
Aw, Ellen. That is so sweet! Thank you!
We have a great group here and, in my opinion, it’s the Goddess Readers who have made this site work. You share of yourselves and your lives, you never stint with a laugh or a kudo, and you offer so many soul-generous comments — well, thank you all.
As for Cassie Edwards, that’s between her and her editor and the books in question. It has nothing to do with me and that’s that.
Now, if their argument had in any way involved Brett Favre or Hugh Jackman, well, then, I’ would have been right up front!
And, just one more time to be sure everyone (La London) heard it — GO PACKERS!
claudia dain on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:25 pm #
Ellen, I’m so glad you said that. I’m counting on us being the kindest and the sweetest because, here goes…I don’t watch football.
Am I going to be the goddess that gets thrown off Mt. Oly?
zambonigirl on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:31 pm #
I can’t stand football, Claudia.
I like this group, too, Ellen. If I like a book by an author, no one is going to put me down for it. If I don’t like a book, no one is going to tell me how narrow-minded my scope is. I’m not saying that the other sites do that, I’m just saying that I know I’m safe here. The goddesses are awesome, and the comments are fantastic. I know I can always count on Ellen for a good laugh, and I wish I had thought to use the name “colinfirthfan” when I embarked on the interweb six years ago.
Anyway, GO DUCKS! *sound of duck call and skates swooshing on ice*
Mrs. Brett Favre on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:32 pm #
No, but we will put you in the penalty box for that sort of nonsense.
(I know, I know! There are no penalty boxes in football, just hockey. But I had to put her somewhere!)
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:34 pm #
LOL…Claudia…that was too smooth! We can’t throw you off for that but maybe we can force you to be a Dallas Cheerleader with SuzyQ. If they think Jessica Simpson is a jinx, I wonder what you and Suzy in hot pants would do to them.
And Karen…just curious, if you had to pick one..Brett or Hugh?
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:35 pm #
Btw, no insult meant to the real Mrs. Brett Favre … btw, has anyone read her new book? I am dying to get it, but it was sold out when I went to Waldens the other day. I’ve heard it’s a terrific read.
And Claudia and Zamboni, of COURSE it’s ok you don’t watch football. SOMEONE has to get the snacks during the game. Zamboni, I’ll fetch the cheese dip for you when the mighty Ducks play, too, so long as you tivo all of the fights.
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:37 pm #
Ellen, don’t go there! Don’t GO there!
I can’t pick. One is so hunky and such an incredible athlete and not some young kid, but a real man. The other is so sophisticated and sexy and just hunky without being an arse. I couldn’t pick. I won’t do it! You can’t make me! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
colinfirthfan on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:38 pm #
Claudia - I mostly watch only the SuperBowl. Don’t have time to watch so many games. Besides the Raiders and the Niners … well… need I say more?????
If I had time though I’d watch lots of football. But less than SOCCER!!
I like watching the Golden State Warriors play!
OK I will watch most sports except Baseball. Baseball I am not into AT ALL.
Oh and hate watching golf too. Playing is fun. Watching - BORRRING.
Suzanne E - please tell us more about The Notorious Gentlemen. Excerpts, tidbits anything…..
and when is the next Sam and Rick book out?
Ann in IL on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:39 pm #
My BOR would have to have …Please Don’t ask an obvious question.
If I’m standing inside a semi unloading thousands of hanging garments that have to be on the sales floor before we open for business DON’T ask me if I’m busy!!!!!!!
As a single - never married - never had kids. I have to say to those of you who scoff at the advice from someone like me………….Then DON’T ASK.
I, for some reason, am always asked “what should I do about ___________? Then you procede to tell me I don’t understand. Well, why did you as me?
I finished raising my younger brother and sister after our parents died when they were 10 and 13. But the fact that I did not give birth to them or adopt them disqualifies me from any intelligent thoughts or opinions. I am not an idiot. And my blood pressure goes up 50 points every time I experience this type of rejection.
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:46 pm #
Karen, Karen, Karen… the, (if I may?) psychotic evolution of your nom de plume has had me in stitches all day. I haven’t commented before because I wanted to sit back and see how far you would take it. In the spirit of this weekend…you took the ball and ran!
Laura Lee Guhrke on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:50 pm #
I’d like to add to the writer’s bill of rights:
While I appreciate the input of the readers who have so graciously offered me their detailed suggestions for the book/hero/plot I should have written, I reserve the right to be happy with the book I did write.
It’s a romance novel, not brain surgery. No one is going to die because of my typo on page 246.
I do not have to pretend to be happy with a title just because it was suggested by the publisher. (HER SHAMELESS SURRENDER? Just shoot me now)
As for football, GO PACKERS!!! (who are smart enough to have two of my beloved Boise State Broncos on their team)
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:50 pm #
Off Main Topic:
I am not a football fanatic either so the research I have just completed will get my throught the rest of the season. So far on our postings for today, we have the following admitted fans:
Packers-4
Pats-1
Hawsk-1
Giants-5
Cowboys-2
And we cant forget about our 1 Duck fan.
These are intersting findings. (for entertainment purposes only, bla bla bla)
I have come to a lull in my day. Noticed?
Oh and on my BOR, I have the right to be wong.
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:52 pm #
Ok, add 1 more for Packers.
Kay on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:53 pm #
Ann in IL, bless you. You may not have given birth or adopted, but you were indeed a PARENT in every way that counts.
The best elementary school teacher either of my children had did not have children of her own, but she knew more about parenting than most people with kids in their home. I respected her advice and still follow it.
I bet you could write a great book on parenting, and on dealing with morons.
Sabrina Jeffries on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:54 pm #
I have SO many bills of rights I’d want to post:
BOR for Parents of Autistic Children
Do NOT tell me about the show you saw where some woman cured her son’s autism by working with him 20 hours a day doing some weird therapy (or using some obscure drug that no clinical trial has proved works or whatever). I saw it, too. You don’t want to know my opinion.
To chime in with the Karens, do not say you’re sorry I have an autistic child. I’M not. He’s a sweetheart, the joy of my life. He means everything to me. And even though he can’t talk and requires constant supervision, he’s insanely happy. Can you say that about YOUR children?
———
BOR for Women of Great Girth:
I’m delighted that you lost weight by cutting out soft drinks. Bully for you. Since I haven’t had anything but diet drinks practically since childhood, I don’t think that will work for me.
I don’t need to know your theories on nutrition. I have my own.
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 3:56 pm #
Ann…You mean you started raising them when they were teens? No blissful images of cute gurgling babies to blindly carry you thru the next decade? You are NOT disqualified as an expert. I hereby nominate you as a saint….that is, if you didn’t murder them three years into the gig. LOL
They are lucky you are in their lives.
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:03 pm #
Come on, gees! We cannot leave it a 5 to 5 tie between the pack and Giants. Step up.
And Sabrina, as a woman of great girth, I thank you.
Since there is a lull in your day, Kari…I wonder how many different topics we covered today?
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:06 pm #
Ann, hear, hear! I hate it when someone asks my opinion and then says I don’t understand. Why ask, then??? That’s as bad as the people who give you unsolicited advice. I hate them all.
I also appreciate that you took on such a huge job with your brother and sister; that had to have been a lot of work! Massive hugs and salutes to you!
Ellen, I should have named myself “Karen Psychotic Fandom Hawkins.” I revel in it!
Teehee!
Kari, thanks for the score-keeping. Looks like the Pack wins again! YAHHHHHH PACKERS!
LLG, I love what you said and how you said it. As usual!
Sabrina, I forgot about the “Oh, if you want to lose some weight–” advice. I love losing weight WITH friends, sharing recipes, talking about weigh-ins, etc. But I hate it when someone says, “Oh, I lost 42 pounds and only stopped drinking cream in my coffee.” My metabolism requires hard work to lose weight and then equally hard work to keep it off. That’s just the way it is. So heck yes to the Great Girth BOR!
Sabrina Jeffries on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:07 pm #
To be honest, Ann, I HAVE a child, but I’m wary of giving advice to parents of typical children. My son is SO not like other children. So I agree with you that having a child doesn’t automatically make you wise about it. And not having your own doesn’t automatically make you an idiot about it either.
My BOR for writers:
Don’t try to bully me into not cursing in my books or not condoning homosexuality or not having a widowed heroine instead of a virgin (!!!!) by stating that you won’t keep buying my books if I do. First of all, if you never bought any of my books again, and I wrote 100 more books in my life, I’d lose … oh, about 58 bucks. My soul costs more than that. Secondly, for every complaint you have, another reader has the opposite. I have to write the books that come to me and pray people read them. If you don’t like them, don’t read them. But writing me to tell me I should follow your own code of ethics will only make me want to put in MORE cussing, homosexuality, etc.
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:10 pm #
I am SoOOOOO not going there Ellen.
I haven’t decided on a team yet. I really think I am leaning towards the Packers. I do have a Packers hat. I am from Michigan, which is just across the lake. I do like cheese. Brett Favre is cute.
Ok I think I made up my mind. Packers it is. 6-5
Sabrina Jeffries on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:11 pm #
Claudia, I not only don’t like football, but the only team I have EVER kept up with is the Saints. So I really, REALLY should be kicked out of the club.
Kim on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:16 pm #
OH boy. These are the thing that make me say four letter words. And no I don’t mean l.o.v.e. Most of the time they start with an f. URGH!
Do NOT tell me how to do my job unless you can show me how to do it better. For instance: Here I’m an experienced sewing machine operator trying to help out an R&D person with a new van seat. R&D bimbo “Oh, you’re doing that all wrong.” Kim, “okay, why don’t you sit down and show me how to do it. R&D bimbo, “umm, I don’t know how to run a sewing machine.” Kim, “then you need to shut the *&^# up and get away from me now before I sew your lips together.”
BOR for those suffering from infertility:
Do NOT tell me its God’s wish
Do NOT tell me to relax and it’ll happen
Do NOT presume to know how I feel or what I’m going through. If I’m taking fertility drugs I might just rip your head off. literally.
And just because I have one child do not assume that makes it any easier.
cail on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:17 pm #
i think a few of us definitely have half hearted allegences to the football teams.
btw, i love that no one would ever suspect that it has been a day long football debate in the comment section here. we’re very well disgused as a romance blog… just wait till baseball season!
zambonigirl on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:17 pm #
LOL. I’m the 1 Ducks fan! I am!
I get aggravated at people who ask for advice and don’t follow it, period. Why ask for advice? Are they really just hoping that someone will say, “Why yes, I do think you could lose thirty pounds in two weeks if you went on a Ben and Jerry’s binge and ate nothing but Cherry Garcia for breakfast, lunch and dinner!” Maybe I only ask advice from people whose opinion really matters to me, but it is totally frustrating to give your opinion based on experience, only to have the person get defensive or dismissive.
I think that Sabrina and Ellen’s BOR are very similar-your children and reproduction habits are your own. It’s the same for people who have more than three children, the comments are more along the lines of, “Couldn’t figure out how to use the condom?” It’s just rude, and it’s none of their business. All of us should have a BOR against rude and unasked for opinions/comments on our personal lives.
I’m Zambi, and I approve of this thread.
Kim on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:22 pm #
BOR for parents:
Do NOT tell me how to raise my child or presume to know what’s wrong with him. My child isn’t the one doing drugs or out there vandalizing the neighborhood.
Do NOT ever ever touch my child. EVER.
BOR for those of girth as Sabrina put it
Don’t presume I’m lazy, stupid or emotionless. My body weight does not deflect or absorb your cruel words or ignorance. Also, I’m not deaf either. I do hear you.
Don’t tell me about the great weight loss surgery your aunt had or how much weight your friend lost by starving themselves.
I know how much I weigh thankyouverymuch and I also know what I eat. You do not.
Really, I’m not an angry person and I don’t threaten bodily harm. Often.
Since I loathe football (you’ll hear the whining once Notre Dame starts having home games) I volunteer to keep the snacks flowing:D Crock pot nachos and brownies for everybody. Claudia, c’mon you can help! LOL
Brett who?!?! *g*
claudia dain on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:22 pm #
Sabrina, the only team I ever kept up with…uh, yeah, that would be none.
None. Not football, not hockey, not baseball, not basketball, not swimming, not polo, not diving, not ping pong, not pool, not bowling, not…
Whadiyah mean, shut up! I’m allowed to heckle from the penalty box, right?
Right???
Kay on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:24 pm #
Kim, feel free to rip their heads off!!!!
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s tough and people make it tougher by being thoughtless. Take care of yourself. I’ve been through it, and I DON’T KNOW what you are going through—because everyone’s experience is different. I’ll be sending good thoughts your way.
claudia dain on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:25 pm #
Uh, yeah, Kim? You are so sweet to offer up my services as cook and/or baker and/or waitress.
I can’t do any of that. I’m in the penalty box.
cail on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:26 pm #
oh!! totally forgot this one:
BOR for people who aren’t ready to get married:
don’t ask me why we aren’t married, its none of your business.
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:27 pm #
cail, we are keeping it cover. shhh don’t tell anyone.
zamonigirl-I’m not a hockey hater. That said, I do have 3 words for you, Go Red Wings!!!
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:27 pm #
cover=covert
Kim on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:27 pm #
Kay–aww, thanks. We’re not dealing with that anymore but I still remember the comments and it makes my blood boil.
Claudia–I was thinking more along the lines of clean up *eg*
zambonigirl on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:46 pm #
KariE: *chest bump*
The ‘Wings were my fave until the “Mighty Ducks” came to Anaheim, and I had to support them because that’s my home town.
If Claudia’s in the penalty box, does that mean that nachos and tamale-making is up to me? Seriously, guys, you might not be ready for vegetarian proteins…
Suzanne Enoch on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:56 pm #
I bow to goddess Sabrina’s writer’s BOR. All I have to do is go to Amazon and look at the reviews of “Sins of a Duke” and count how many people demanded a rewrite versus how many loved it, and it’s enough to remind me that all I can do is write the book “I” want to read, and hope enough others agree with me to allow me to make a living at it.
And I promise I’ll start giving some info about The Notorious Gentlemen soon. I haven’t even seen the final cover for the first one yet, though.
Mia Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 4:57 pm #
Checking back on these during my day makes me realize just how insensitive other poeple can be! Not having any kids yet, I don’t know from experience all the comments and suggestions people are bound to make but I don’t think anyone should be held responsible for what their tongue might say in response. My opinion… Dont make a suggestion about anything to anyone unless you’re prepared to deal with the consequences.
I also, throughout the day, thought of another BOR for the world.
I don’t care what my gut might look like, do NOT ask about an upcoming baby. No matter what. Even if you’re 98% sure I am pregnant, think about that 2% chance I’m not and shut your mouth. I’ve had it done to me while getting a pediucre, my mom has actually done it to someone who had had her baby weeks previous… it’s just rude and not at all safe.
BTW Karen, you’re going to have to stick with Hugh… Brett has been mine for about 10 years now. We *might* be able to work out a swapping sched…
jessie on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:16 pm #
Wow, the parenting BOR are serious business. I felt so bad the other day when my boss and I were talking about her upcoming marriage. Her fiance has a 17-year-old and a 19-year-old. I said, “Oh wow, you’re going to be a stepmom.” She told me that she was glad they were older, and immediately proceeded to defend herself because she never wanted to have children. I felt so bad that she felt that she needed to make a preemptive strike against the possibility that I would judge her. She must have caught so much flack (flak?) from people for never having kids. So, if someone hasn’t already said this (and I think they have, so I’ll just reiterate), don’t judge people for not wanting to have kids. Why is it your business?
Also, on the football debate, seeing as how my poor Falcons are, well, the Falcons, I’ll have to throw in my lot with the Packers.
PJ on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:29 pm #
OMG! I’m laughing so hard!
I have a Widow’s Bill of Rights.
Don’t look at me with pity and tell me you understand. Unless your husband has died you do NOT understand.
When a year has passed don’t start telling me it’s been “long enough” and I should be dating. I will decide when I want to start dating, not you.
When three years have passed don’t ask me when I’m getting married again. I had a wonderful marriage but maybe I don’t want to get married again. I’ve been to Italy twice in the past 3 years. Maybe I enjoy my life as it is.
Don’t offer to fix me up with your good friend, the 84 year old widower who has had two hip replacements, heart surgery, doesn’t drive anymore and can’t cook but is a really nice guy. (Yes, it happened!)
Stop bugging me about dating! If I could find a man who isn’t married, gay, on parole, or looking for an 18 year old to “adopt”, who WANTS to date 50-something me, maybe I’d go on a friggin’ date!
PJ on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:32 pm #
Wow, that felt really good! LOL!
Btw, you can add me to the list of football fans. I’ll be the one and only person in here cheering for the Jaguars. Oh, and Karen, I’ll also be cheering for the Packers. Sorry, Julia, I grew up cheering for Dallas but when the Cowboys dumped Tom Landry I dumped the Cowboys.
Sabrina Jeffries on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:39 pm #
Claudia, “keeping up with” is a VERY loose term. What I mean by that is, somewhere toward the end of football season (I have a hazy idea of when that is), I ask any New Orleanian if the Saints are doing well (because even the football haters know this). I then get a report, so I know whether I’ll have to watch the Superbowl for the first time (if the Saints ever play, I WILL be watching). Otherwise, I spend my life blissfully ignorant about football.
Oh, and I actually know WAY more about how the game is played than I’d like because I was briefly engaged to a football fanatic in grad school and went to enough games to learn how it worked. If we’d married, I would have been a football widow. Thank God that never happened.
My dh loathes sports, so we do not watch them. Ever. I probably know more about sports than he does, and that’s not saying much. Unfortunately, I had skads of cousins, siblings, etc. who played sports, so I did learn the rules.
KariE on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:53 pm #
I almost forgot the most important BOR:
The right to be ME!!!
Lisa H on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:55 pm #
Wow—alot of comments today!
Just wanted to say that I hope all your writers just write what’s in your hearts. As a huge fan who escapes daily into your books, I don’t care if they are historically correct, contain typo’s or cussing. I love your voices, the magical stories you weave. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone, your success speaks volumes.
(I’m really not trying to suck up, just as a new writer, I know how difficult it is to simply complete a manuscript, let alone please everyone in the world while doing it)
And btw, I know nothing of football, I am the designated “snack getter” and I will be rooting for the Packers just to please Karen H. She writes stories I like, so I will root for her man—one hand washes the other!
And Ellen, I agree the ladies on this Blog are kind, warm and funny. It’s a great place to visit everyday.
claudia dain on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:56 pm #
Okay, served my time in the penalty box. I am ready to gather the empty bags of chips and crunched Coke Zero cans and toss them, wash the brownie tins, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and wipe down the counters.
Cleaning, it is my thing.
My BOR? Cleaning and organizing: some of us love doing it. Don’t hate us. Thank all the gods on Olympus that we exist to serve in this capacity. We cleaning-organizing types do NOT think those who don’t are slobs. We get joy out of order. We do not get joy out of thinking you should love order.
Lisa H on 10 Jan 2008 at 5:56 pm #
Karen H - in return for my rooting for Brett, I expect you to root for Johnny on Oscar night!
FreshEChelle on 10 Jan 2008 at 6:31 pm #
Wow it’s been busy on Mt. Oly today.
Sabrina’s BOR rules!! The $58 bucks comment - way to put it in perspective! Don’t like someone’s book, move on.
Zambonigirl, can we have Scott Niedermeyer back? Go Devils. Hockey rules!
Julia, I’m actually indifferent to football but here’s a pet peeve. Why do Philadelphia phans call their team the “Iggles”? If they can’t pronounce Eagles, they don’t deserve a team.
If this were a male dominated blog, we’d be discussing how much we’ve got on the game and trashing our bookies.
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 6:35 pm #
Kim, my heart is with you. As someone who went through infertility for nearly two years, I wanted to bite people’s heads off too. I second your BOR!
Claudia, I don’t watch football, either, but when I do (which I don’t) it’s the Redskins. Sue me, I grew up in DC. And I was raised to HATE DALLAS. I don’t even watch football now, but that deep seated hate for the silver star is deeply, deeply ingrained. I’m not even going to apologize for it, so there.
Sabrina, you go girl, on all your BORs.
thanks for all the good wishes on my photo shoot. Today we scouted locations. Tomorrow I sit my butt in the makeup person’s chair at 9am. I’ll let you know how it comes out!
Lisa H on 10 Jan 2008 at 6:39 pm #
Karen R - I have always wondered, what does a professional make-up artist do differently then the average gal? Is is more color, deeper color, more shades? I have always wondered never having had my make-up done.
Karen Rose on 10 Jan 2008 at 6:43 pm #
I’ll tell you after tomorrow
zambonigirl on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:09 pm #
Fresh-But Rob and Scott make such a lovely desk set! I’d never give them up!
Laura Lee Guhrke on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:13 pm #
My boyfriend has asked me to post a Bill of Rights for the boyfriends/husbands of writers:
I have the right to drag you away from your *&%^# keyboard whenever necessary if I see you pounding your head into the wall or talking to people who are not really there.
I will be happy to talk all about your book over dinner if we can deduct the expense. But only if you don’t look at me as if I’m crazy when I make a plot suggestion.
When you are in deadline hell, I have the right to go skiing without you…or wakeboarding.
And…
I have the right to root for the Chargers over the Packers in the Super Bowl.
Keri Ford on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:17 pm #
“Do NOT presume to know how I feel or what I’m going through. If I’m taking fertility drugs I might just rip your head off. literally.”
ahh, Kim, You’re reminding me of a time I’d rather not think about. Feel free to send me emails through the day to vent with as much vulgar cursing as you like. And hey, you can even put in the real words instead of symbols!
Something on my BOR
-You thinking I look thin won’t stop me from dieting. No matter what you say in regarding to how unhealthy my diet pills might be. Yes, I know they make me jittery and cause my hands to shake, maybe I like that spastic tingle. Maintaining your weight doesn’t happened automatically.
-Don’t talk to me about my dusty house with laundry scattered from one end to the other. Yes, I’m home all day everyday, that doesn’t mean I run around in a french maid outfit like I get paid to clean
-Just because I studied photography for a year, that doesn’t desginate me as Ye ‘ol Family Photographer for life.
Marie Conley on 10 Jan 2008 at 7:24 pm #
I’m very late to this game and I haven’t read all of them but here it goes.
I am a college student taking 19 hrs with 1 hour commute one way.
1) I have the right to speed as long as it is only 5 over. Do not give me dirty looks when I pass a 70 year old farmer going 45 in a 65.
2)Yes I will be jamming to my music. LIVE WITH IT.
3)Yes it does take longer than 5 min. to get across campus. Do not hold me over or I will be late to my next class.
4)If you are going on and on about texting or something else that has NOTHING to do with the course you are wasting my money and my time. So don’t get mad when I don’t pay attention.
5)It is fine and dandy if you think being a Muslim is a good thing, just don’t push your ideology onto me.
6)If there is a cute guy that walks into the classroom give us at least 30 seconds to refocus on the expansion of Islam.
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:00 pm #
WOW. Go off for the afternoon and the place explodes!
I CANNOT believe how many Cowboy fans are NOT here! You Patriots fans need to form you own board to go with your team that is playing in the intergallatic league. The rest of us plebians will duke it out down here.
I can’t believe how rude and insensitive people are to us! We should have a goddess bill of rights: Do not dis one of us or risk the wrath of Mt. Oly!!
LLG — my husband is right there with yours. His Bill of Rights: Do not tell me this book (current WIP) is the worst thing you have ever written or I will kill myself.
If you get to talk about clothes with your friends, I get to talk about golf (to me or anyone who will listen).
Note; not sure what that last BOR article came from, LOL
Ellen on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:38 pm #
I guess the universal Bill of Rights is: Mind your business and I’ll mind mine…while secretly hating the Dallas Cowboys.
Gannon on 10 Jan 2008 at 8:40 pm #
Julia, another Cowboy fan checking in!
WRT the various comments on fertility, I have something to add. I have a dear friend who has two sets of twins (and an older daughter) and she did not take fertility drugs. Yet she says that people ask her all the time, “Did you take fertility drugs to have those twins?” She just looks at them, smiles and says, “No, my husband is just REALLY good!” Serves those busybodies right.
I guess some people can’t help themselves from butting in. When you start dating, they ask, “When are you getting engaged?” Then you get engaged, and it’s “When’s the big day?” After you finally get married, they pry, “So, when are you going to have a baby?” And when you have your first baby, and have barely recovered from childbirth, their next stupid question is, “Are you going to have another?”
Enough already! MYOB!!
Meg on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:17 pm #
Thanks PJ. I loved your BOR. At 28 (27 when my husband died) I am the youngest widow I know and it is very hard to deal when NO ONE can understand what you are going through.
doglady on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:24 pm #
My, you ladies HAVE been busy. First of all, Julia, my Mom is a RABID Cowboys fan and loyal to the bitter end. (She’s 72)You do NOT want to be at her house if her Cowboys are losing. It is NOT pretty! Her first cousin is Leroy Jordan, you probably know who that is. So I am a Cowboys fan by birth. However as a graduate of USM I do cheer for Brett as long as he is not playing Dallas. People who say poor thing or see someone as less because of a supposed disability really gripe my butt! You have no idea what gifts God chooses to give those whom nature has wounded. He gives them gifts you and I cannot comprehend unless we realize that very often we are entertaining angels unawares. Now as a bakery manager my bill of rights includes :
!. Lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on my part. You sent the party invitations out two weeks ago and yet you waited until the day before the party to order the cake! Ain’t happening.
2. If you order the cake over the phone and
doglady on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:27 pm #
then show up and raise hell because you didn’t think it would look “like that” you do not get the cake free!
3. If I tell you something is fresh, it is! I do not get my jollies lying to you about how fresh my baked goods are!
4. No you cannot run in 10 minutes before we close and expect me to stop everything and make you a cake because you forgot your kid’s birthday. Don’t whine to me about how disappointed your kid will be. YOU were there when the kid was born, not me. You don’t REMEMBER giving birth. My Mom gave birth to me 49 years ago. She can tell you what day of the week it was, the date, the weather, what time it was, how long she was in labor and how many hairs I had on my head at birth! And she always remembers my birthday!
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:28 pm #
Gannon and Doglady, come over here and sit by me :-).
Gannon, I sort of remembered you were a fan, and I knew someone on this loop was kin to Leroy Jordan but couldn’t remember who.
Come on. We’re going to be BFF now, just the three of us (and any other cowboy fans that pop up).
Kim on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:32 pm #
If I pretend to be a cowboys fan can I come and sit? I promise to bring snacks and might convince Claudia to come along too. *g*
PJ on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:52 pm #
(((Meg))) I’m wrapping you up in great big bear hug that I wish I could give you in person.
Gannon on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:56 pm #
Kim, does that mean you and Claudia will organize my house after we watch football?! *g* I’m sure Julia and doglady wouldn’t argue.
Lisa H on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:04 pm #
Oh Meg…I am so sorry for your loss. My best friend was also a widow at your age. She is now in her mid-50’s and still feels the pain. Sometimes I wish I could take all the pain away from all those who are suffering. I wish for you happy days ahead.
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:08 pm #
KariE, come to the Packers side! Cooome!
Sabrina, have I mentioned that Brett Favre is from MS? Where YOU have roots? Just mentioning it.
Hi, Zambi! Thanks for you support of this message!
LLG, i was supporting your guy until the last suggestion. He’s out cold with the whole Chargers over the Packers thing. Tell him from one writer to the bf/husband of another — Heck NO!
Marie, I used to teach college and I’ll remember your BOR, especially the cute guy rule. I’d missed that!
Lisa H, you got it! We BOTH get to root for worthy competitors. I really need to see Sweeney Todd. It’s on My List.
Ellen, do we have to be secret about hating the Hapless Cowboys?
doglady, I can’t believe how rude people are about cakes! They’re supposed to be joyous, lovely additions to a party and not Whine Attractors. Sorry you have to deal with that, chica.
Gannon, I swear, I’m going to try and NOT ask ANY of those questions EVER again. They are intrusive!
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:16 pm #
Meg, you’re among friends. You’ve mentioned your loss before and I want to thank you for sharing. I know it must be painful, though I have no idea what you’re going through. Just know that you’ve always shown yourself to be a trooper here on the board and we LOVE having you!
Kim, pulleeeeze! Ellen, Lisa H, Mia and the rest of us Packer Lovers are gonna be having a HUGE party and we’d love you to come, hang out, laugh, tipple a few Packer Cocktails, and maybe bring some of the incredible chocolates you’re known for . . . you know, just hang with the winnahs!
Of course, perhaps you feel pity for poor London and Her Hapless Gang of Cowboys Supporters . . . which is fine, of course. They could use some hot soup and hugs when The Boom is finally lowered, poor things!
Judy F on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:27 pm #
wow, work two jobs and the place goes wild.
I am a packers fan. Love Brett… I bought the sports ills just cause he was on the cover a few weeks ago…
I am too tired to read all the comments but you all have had a busy day.
Some things on my bill of rights:
If you are calling to leave me a mesg about your account, could you please give me your account number, name (spell it if its uncommon) and your phone number. You would not believe the people that say this is Sarah please call me..> Call you what??? Or they say hi this is Sarah Smith that S M I T H no kidding. LOL
If I am no the phone at work please do not run the shredder which is next to my desk.. GRRR.
At the bookstore a cust comes up and says, I don’t know the author or the title but could you help me find this book. I am not a mind reader.
My favorite from last christmas was this lady you needed help finding a Nora Roberts book, says its a trilogy (ok) about a family (ok) that was all she knew.hello
Julia London on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:27 pm #
Meg, I am so sorry. I glossed right over your note in my haste to make Cowboy fans. I cannot imagine how hard that must be for you. You wanna come to the Cowboy party with me and Gannon and doglady and Kim (who will not be swayed by a cheap offer for a little booze and popcorn. Puh-leeze. We have REAL cowboys here. What do they have, real Packers?).
doglady on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:33 pm #
Meg, honey, I understand completely. I became a widow at 35. Not as young as you, but still young enough for everyone to assume you want to marry again, you want to get out there, you want to do whatever THEY think you should do WHEN they think you should do it. That is an individual choice and nobody else’s business at all. It has been 14 years and I have not remarried and that is MY choice. For those people who say “Don’t you want to get on with your life?” I say “I AM getting on with my life. Why don’t you do the same?” Big hugs and prayers are winging your way.
Now, I am going over to my new BFF Julia’s with Gannon so we can watch the game in peace! And I have no problem with Kim and Claudia reorganizing anyone’s house as long as they don’t stand in front of the television!
And Karen you are SO right about cakes and what they are supposed to be about. Too bad my customers don’t realize that!
Gannon on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:36 pm #
(((Meg and PJ))), big hugs to both of you. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your husband. Just know that we are always here for cyber hugs and laughs, whenever you need.
Karen H, even though I’m a Cowboy fan, I will grant you that Brett Favre is hot!
Meg on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:50 pm #
Thank you everyone for all the wonderful notes. I Love This Board!! And I would love to be at the Cowboy party. Even though the only team I usually cheer for is Clemson, I like football in general and would gladly make myself a Cowboys fan.
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:57 pm #
Judy F! I have that SI! Doesn’t he look DIVINE! Glad to see you’re a part of the Winning Team! Not to glad to hear you’re working two jobs. Huuuugs! I hear you about the Nora Roberts thing. I’ve had people say, “I loved your book, you know, the one with the guy . . . who loves the girl . . . and that thing happens . . . but he has some brothers. Yeah, that one! Is there a sequel?” I promise to be more specific when I go to the bookstore. Thanks for posting your BOR!
Julia, were you talking? Your fingers were typing but all I heard was blah, blah, blah, Cowboys, blah, blah, blah, cheap, blah, blah, blah, popcorn. Can’t imagine what you’re talking about.
doglady, as anything with the word ‘cake’ attached to it makes me salivate, I can only say “Heck YES, cakes are the It dessert!” I WORSHIP your abilities with a frosting knife.
Gannon, thank you for posting such a gracious comment about Favre. As I know you’re a HCF, I doubly appreciate the admission. Very generous of you!
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:58 pm #
Meg! Step back from the Cowboy ledge!!! Come to the PACKERS SIDE! COME! You don’t wanna go to the Cowboys! London will CORRUPT YOU!
NOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo!!!
Meg on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:09 pm #
I can be persuaded pretty easily. What do you guys have to offer?
Besides Brett.
doglady on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:09 pm #
Karen, I promise if you come back to Wetumpka or Birmingham I will create an outrageous cake just for you. Perhaps with a photo of Brett Favre on it? Or maybe one of your covers? Or I may just cover it in roses made of icing! Will two dozen be enough?
I agree, Meg, this board is beyond compare when it comes to fun, love, support and mayhem!
Cracked up at Julia’s invitation to our Cowboys party. She is SO right! You’ve heard “Save a horse, ride a cowboy!” haven’t you? I don’t want to contemplate riding a packer. Ugh!
Karen Hawkins on 10 Jan 2008 at 11:16 pm #
doglady, I’ll take the cake! I’ll take the cake! And you’re right, you don’t ride a Packer . . . you jump ‘em. At least, that’s what I want to do!
Meg, what do we have to offer? Companionship, cool cheesehead hats, cheerleaders who don’t look like they should all be sent back to the High School Prom, a team that has fun even when the chips are down, and t