« Gift it to me, baby!A Rose by Any Other Name… »

I Have A Secret

Dec 14th 2007Claudia Dain
Claudia DainOn Writing!

Some books are harder to write than others. No, that’s not the secret, but it’s true. Some fall out of you. They seem to exist in some other universe and are channeled through you, full and perfect and lovely. J.R.R. Tolkien said it best when he said that he hadn’t invented Middle Earth so much as discovered it. Some books are like that. You discover them and they are good.

I love those books.

Other books have to be dragged word by word, page by page, out of you. They fight. They kick. They claw. They aren’t discovered like a beautiful, undefiled land of mystery and magic. They’re beaten into submission, pushed onto the computer screen with each jab of my fingers, until they’re held prisoner in a Word document.

I hate those books. That’s my secret. I hate the hard books. I hate them forever. They were not Fun. It did not make me happy to spend time with them every day and, because I am Me and have Standards, I’ve made it a requirement that I enjoy how I spend my days. So there.

And here’s the bigger secret: you can’t tell which books I love and which ones I hate. If the book gives you the ride you want, you’ll never know that it didn’t give me the ride I wanted. Which is as it should be. Really. But why can’t all books be easy?

Here’s my final secret: I just finished a book that was very, very difficult. This book haunted my dreams. This book gave me an eye twitch that lasted for three days. This book beat me up and left me for dead. And, no, I’ll never tell which book it was because then you might hate it too, just to be a good friend, and after all I went through I want everyone to love it.

I just want this book to stay far, far away from me. Like in another galaxy. Where it will become the source of all evil and Luke Skywalker will have to fly into the Death Star before he’s really ready…and was that story hard to write? No, don’t tell me. I love that story and I want it to stay that way.

Is this true for you? Do you have something in your life that was so difficult that you’ll never feel the same way about it again? A car that keeps breaking down? A computer that keeps freezing? A pair of pretty red shoes that rub at the heel?

90 Comments »

90 Responses to “I Have A Secret”

  1. Lisa H on 14 Dec 2007 at 8:50 am #

    Claudia, you are right, we cannot tell which ones are hard to write and which ones fall from your imagination to the page, and in my opinion, that is evidence of a great author.

    I can’t wait to read anything from you…I know it will take me for a ride and I like that ride.

  2. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:00 am #

    Thanks, Lisa! After what I’ve been through lately (back in your corner, Monster Book!), that makes it all worth it.

  3. Lisa H on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:04 am #

    When I’ve had a rough time of it, I find looking at pictures of Johnny Depp always helps (in the nude).

    I mean he’s nude, not me…TEE HEE

    Now if I could only get my hands on some of those! :)

  4. KariE on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:05 am #

    Does a store count?
    I had a horrible expierence at a Hallmark store. I will never spend money in there again. Ever. I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.
    Oh and a family member that said something that I will never forget that has since altered my thougths and feelings twords them.
    My word for this condition: Cantgetoverititis.

  5. doglady on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:30 am #

    You are definitely right about one thing, Claudia. I cannot tell which ones you hated and which ones you loved. All of your books are fabulous! Especially The Courtesan’s Daughter. I got my lovely copy from you and I just LOVED IT!! I really do hope that it didn’t beat you up too badly because I would LOVE another one like it!

    Lisa H, I DO like your cure for a rough time!

    KariE I feel that way about J.C. Penney. I had an awful experience there and I will NEVER shop there again. I cannot even walk in the doors.

    I started writing one novel, got to an awful drag it kicking and screaming to the page place. A friend suggested a writing exercise to clear the air. The exercise took on a life of it’s own and is now my GH entry LOST IN LOVE. We call it the little story that could because it won the Royal Ascot, finaled in the Molly and came in second in the Emerald City Opener. It is my first book.

    The other book? Killed off a branch of the family and I will CONQUER IT!

  6. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:36 am #

    ROFL Doglady. You WILL conquer it! I believe it. And thanks for the kind words about Courtesan’s Daughter! The next book in that series, The Courtesan’s Secret, will be out in May. And, no, the secret is not that I hated writing it! LOL

    I’ve had the same experiences in stores, too many to count, actually. Some snitty salesperson can really ruin things forever. Now that you mention it, Kari, I’ve never had a good experience in a Hallmark store. Huh. What’s with that?

  7. KariE on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:49 am #

    I have no idea Claudia. I was about to swollow my pride and go there to get some Woodwick candles but I found them somewhere other than a Hallmark. Tells you how much I like my Woodwicks!

    Laudry gives me that special feeling too, but I put on my big girl panites and, like doglady, I conquer it.

  8. Karen Hawkins on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:52 am #

    I have trouble going into WalMarts after The Great Sock Incident of ‘92. Won’t bore you with the details, but I get punchy just driving by one.

    I have the same issue with my writing, Claudia. Some flyyyy off the pen and some fight their way out, spewing ink and writhing across the page. Then I have to wrassle them to the ground and kick some sense into them.

    It can be exhasuting and sometimes I actually do more re-writing than writing. That’s where I end up with entire chapters I can’t use or, worse, characters who become too unruly and I have to exorcise them from the pages. I am fierce when it comes to making my books the best I can. But because I care, I also work hard to get it just right.

    Claudia, I’m glad you fight the hard ones and enjoy the easier ones. Every one of your books are deliciously written and I have loved them all.

  9. Karen Hawkins on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:54 am #

    And Lisa H, Johnny Depp in the mood would cure me, too. Of just about any ailment I might have.

    Thanks for the EMV! (Early Morning Visual) It washed my WalMart Willies away and left me with a glow. *happy sigh*

  10. KariE on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:56 am #

    Ok, so I swAllow my pride, and out on my big girl panTIes. Zeus needs to hook a girl up with spell check.

  11. Marie Conley on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:57 am #

    I have a book that I wanted to guide. I wanted the MC to have the same pain as I was currently enduring. It didn’t work the source of the pain ended up running off and my MC got married to the perfect man.

    At first I tried desperately to keep the eye on the goal and get the FMC with the man, but he turned into a villain.

    Ugh. I hate stories that take a life of their own. Then again those are the stories that are sometimes the easiest to write.

  12. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:04 am #

    Karen, I hear you. I’ve deleted entire chapters and erased characters before; in fact, *gasp*, I JUST did that! In version three of The Monster Who Would Not Die I erased four characters from version two. They didn’t feel a thing, I promise. *G*

    About nasty store people and the shops they ruin, with all the online shopping available now, you’d think that sales clerks would be trying harder to make you a happy shopper. Can they really afford to alienate their customers?

  13. Sonja Foust on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:05 am #

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who sometimes HATE HATE HATES my books by the time they’re done. But I’m probably at the stage where you can still tell if I hate them or not. Heehee. Working on that.

    I have this hate for running which comes from my one crappy and “seemed like a good idea at the time” year in Navy ROTC in college. I’ve never been a particularly good runner, but there I was a baaaaad runner and to punish me for being a baaaad runner, they made me run. A lot. Every day. Long distances. And I hate running. Hate hate hate. And now I won’t do it. Ever. So there.

  14. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:06 am #

    Also, if we’re going to talk naked men and what they cure, I think we can all agree that Karen has chosen Johnny Depp for herself. That leaves Hugh Jackman to me.

    Thanks, Karen! Merry Christmas to me!

  15. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:08 am #

    Sonja, ouch on the running! I don’t run either. We can be non-run buddies!

  16. cail on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:14 am #

    i’m more inclined to swear off a restaurant than anything else out of frustration.

    Bad service leaves an awful taste in my mouth, whether its in a store, or a restaurant.

  17. Sonja Foust on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:14 am #

    Claudia, you’ll have to fight me for Hugh. And since you don’t run, you cannot escape me. Mwahaha.

  18. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:18 am #

    But Sonja, dear, sweet, Sonja, I may not be able to run, but I have LOADS of experience in erasing characters who Get In My Way.

    Need I say more?

  19. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:19 am #

    Cail, ditto on the bad service in restaurants. My pet peeve, since I never order a drink but always drink the water, is when they won’t refill you without begging for it.

    “Water? Could I *please* have some more water?”

    OTOH, good service will win my loyalty for life.

  20. Caren Crane on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:21 am #

    It’s funny how our different experiences affect us. My sister had a terrible experience at a Target. I adore Target and shop there way too often. She still shops there, but it is tainted for her. *g* I think I must form a mental block against shops and restaurants where I receive terrible service. I know I have had some egregious ones, but I cannot bring them to mind. Which makes things more pleasant in my head, but also concerns me. Early onset Alzheimers?

    I have had to drag a book out and wrestle it onto the computer before. I got it 2/3 of the way finished twice, then on the third try figured out what was wrong with the story. Painful! It’s a great book, though. I enjoy reading it now. I think that is because in my mind it is a completely separate entity from those other two books I tried to write with the same characters. Another mental block, maybe? If so, it is working for me!

  21. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:24 am #

    Marie, it’s true, the stories that have a life of their own are often the easiest to write, IF you can just let go and enjoy the ride. I have trouble with that sometimes.

    In the new book, the one that hasn’t turned on me (yet), I was stopped cold for three weeks because the heroine chose a different hero. Didn’t she *know* that this guy was just a secondary character? Didn’t she *know* that I’d picked out this absolutely fabulous hero for her?

    Yeah, if she knew, she didn’t care.

    I spent three weeks fighting the book. And the book won. I’m trying to appear graceful about it.

  22. Caren Crane on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:26 am #

    Claudia and Sonja, I will join you in the non-runner’s club. I have a feeling our ranks may swell as people realize that others hate running too! And, although my Target-hating sister would disagree, running is not for everyone!

  23. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:26 am #

    Caren, could you be the poster child for Mental Block? If so, how do I sign up for some?

    I remember every painful detail. I would love not to.

    Excuse me while I sob quietly in a dark corner, praying for early onset Alzheimers.

  24. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:33 am #

    But, while I’m thinking of it, doesn’t anyone have an item, a thing, that they don’t quite like anymore because it caused them heartache? I had a car once that I thought was pretty great…and then it broke down for no good reason and left me stranded and even after it was fixed I never really trusted it again. When that car eventually died for good and was literally towed away, I mumbled, “Good riddance.”

    Wow, I think I’ve just admitted to deleting an entire car.

  25. Lisa H on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:38 am #

    Okay, first of all, Johnny is MINE! I will forgive you since it’s the Christmas season, lets not make that mistake again.

    I love what Janet Evanovich said about the “middles” of her books. “If I could just write the beginnings and endings, I’d write a book a month.”

    I find myself in that predicament. I love my beginning and the ending is good too, its just that pesky middle that makes me sweat. I want it to be compelling, complete with twists and turns, making the reader long for the next page, but it is soooo hard sometimes.

    With my first book, I just worked little by little (of course I didn’t have a deadline) until I got through, but it was like pulling teeth.
    I

  26. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:45 am #

    Lisa, you won’t have to fight me for Johnny. If you and Karen want to climb into the mud pit for him, we’ll make a fortune on the tickets.

    Now, Hugh? Hugh is mine.

    It’s funny about books. Some writers don’t mind the middle at all. Sabrina is one who sweats the beginnings. I sweat the endings. Easy book, hard book, doesn’t matter. It’s the endings that I have to wrestle. I think that once you know your Hard Zone, you don’t let it get to you, you just muscle through it.

    Or that’s the theory.

  27. KariE on 14 Dec 2007 at 10:51 am #

    Egg Rolls from the freezer section-I thought I was going to die the one time I tired them.
    Dollar Store razors-If you try them, be sure to pick up a pack of the Dollar Store Band Aids.
    Diaper Genie-I’m sure the concept is great but I still can’t figure the darn thing out.

  28. RachelG on 14 Dec 2007 at 11:12 am #

    Most of my books come out kicking and screaming. A few have been a bit easier to write. Like Claudia, I never like the ones that are hard. I don’t even like to make eye contact with them.

    I have a pair of Coach shoes that I love love love. Can’t wear them for more than a few moments because they are horrible toe pinchers.

    rachelg

  29. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 11:37 am #

    Since we’re sharing secrets…

    My son has this friend that I simply can’t stand. Every time I see him, I force myself to be pleasant. He has always pushed my “Eddie Haskell” buttons, but I didn’t know for sure what a creep he was until a sleep-over party.

    The boys were nine at the time. Since they were sleeping two floors away from me, I decided to hook up the old baby monitor. (Best invention ever!) This kid had a mouth like a sailor and treated all the other boys like garbage. At around midnight the noise got very quiet and then I heard this kid say, “If you think that’s something, check out page 64.”

    Now, don’t get me wrong. I can easily forgive him bringing his porno collection into my home. Boys will be boys. It was just the way he said the next morning, “Why good morning Mrs. H. Don’t you look lovely this morning.”

    I hate that phony SOB

  30. ZAMBONIGIRL on 14 Dec 2007 at 11:37 am #

    well, since i’m only two weeks into a six-week stint with a broken artm, i’m still pretty bitter about it. i never want to go to the gym again and the mere thought of spending time alone with my trainer starts the eye twitch. i don’t know if i’ll ever feel normal again. stupid of me, yaejh?

  31. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 11:39 am #

    Sometimes I get angry at a CD for a while. You know the ones I mean. You need a blow torch and chisel to break into them.

  32. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 11:51 am #

    I knew NOTHING about word count and trends when I wrote my first manuscript. Once it was done, I went to my first RWA and found out there were thousands of wonderful women who had tons of information to share with me.

    I returned home with quite a laundry list of changes to make to my ms.

    You see, I had written a 168,000 word cowboy romance. LOL I kid you not. So I start the editing process by putting slashes through words like “very.” Thirty minutes into the edit, I started putting slashes through entire chapters and several characters.

    I loved this ms so much I spent months cutting it down from 648 pages to 420. It was so taxing, the ms and I have agreed to a legal separation and some counseling.

    We can’t seem to agree on who gets custody of the computer.

  33. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 11:53 am #

    Hey Doglady…what was the writing exercise you did?

  34. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 11:54 am #

    Zambonigirl…did your trainer break your arm. My trainer is contantly “twisting my arm” to get me to diet, but he hasn’t broken it….yet

  35. Karen Hawkins on 14 Dec 2007 at 12:00 pm #

    CLAUDIA! I did NOT abandon Hugh, so hands off! I just appreciated Lisa H’s choice of eye candy. That does NOT make me unfaithful to Hugh.

    Btw, as soon as I’m done with this book, I’m legally changing my name to Mrs. Hugh Jackman. Then there won’t be any of these incorrect identifications going on.

    Claudia, I’ve got to watch you like a hawk. One blink and you’re snatching Hugh off my lap, just like that.

    That’s so wrong.

  36. Karen Hawkins on 14 Dec 2007 at 12:05 pm #

    RachelG, don’t you wish you could put on a pair of shoes, take a pic of yourself standing in them looking fahbulous, and then take them back off and just plaster the picture on your sweatshirt so that as you walk around all day in your comfy shoes, you can announce, “Yup! I had these babies on this morning!”

    To which your greatly affected audience will say, “Oh! And they look PERFECT on your ADORABLE feet! I’m so JEALOUS!”

    You’d get the pleasure of seeing the shoes, but not the pain of wearing the shoes.

    I’d love that.

  37. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 12:11 pm #

    Thanks to my tubby feet, My shoes always look like they are baking a loaf of white bread.

    I’m not sure I can continue to be friends with a wearer of sexy red shoes. The envy may cause me to put a slash through you.

  38. SuzyQ on 14 Dec 2007 at 12:15 pm #

    I will never shop at Zales again after a horrible experience I had there. I will gladly give my money to their competitors!

    As for object, I had a laptop one time that I absolutely hated. The thing kept re-booting itself. When it was working it took forever for programs to load. Thought it was a virus and wiped it clean and reinstalled the operating system. Still no luck, then the hard drive failed. I wanted to smash it like the guys did to the fax machine in that movie Office Space. Luckily, I was able to get a new one from work and this one I love.

  39. Lisa H on 14 Dec 2007 at 12:20 pm #

    Okay, I guess with Karen H and Claudia fighting over Hugh, I have my Johnny all to myself.

    Ellen, I would love to read your mms. I bet its fabulous. I like a cowboy now and again…I’ll just bet yours are not only hot but have a great sense of humor!

  40. Marie Conley on 14 Dec 2007 at 12:21 pm #

    Claudia, yeah exactly. In the one I gave up for awhile on. She had the gall to fall in love with the hand. The hand!

    When I had a perfect saloon owner picked out for her. She could be rich and glamorous, but she CHOSE to fall in love with a hand.

    Right now I’m working on revising her mom’s story and I’m having one of those days where I’m like this is drivel. Why I am even attempting to write?

    Do you guys still have those days? Where everything you write just seems wrong?

  41. Marie Conley on 14 Dec 2007 at 12:23 pm #

    Oh and I’m stealing Mathew Mcconaugh. Him and some hot cider would make writing so much easier.

  42. Karen Hawkins on 14 Dec 2007 at 1:15 pm #

    Marie wrote: Do you guys still have those days? Where everything you write just seems wrong?

    Oh Marie, Marie, my naive little Marie. Of COURSE we don’t have those days any more! Now, we know without fail that every word we write will be honey on the tongues of our reviewers, that readers will appreciate when we’re trying something new and will give us a chance to expand our repertoire, and that our editor will never send us a revision letter with the words, “The middle sags. Can you do something about that?”

    Never, never, ne–ZAP!!!!! SIZZLE!!!!! CRACK!!!!

    (Karen can no longer respond on this blog as a bolt of lightning from Mt. Oly just fried her in place, melting her fingers to her keyboard and etching the words ‘LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE — LITERALLY.’ on her forehead. Sorry!)

  43. KariE on 14 Dec 2007 at 1:25 pm #

    I have a new one!! My car!!! I hopped in it to go to the bank, put the key in, turned it and NOTHING. Oh, I’m hot right now. Not only that, I offered my dog to ride with me. She was sooo excited. I can’t get her out of the car. She doesn’t understand. :( It’s so sad. This is the second time with the same exact problem. The car is only 3. :(

  44. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 1:55 pm #

    Kari, I KNEW there had to be someone out there who had this ‘thing’ with a car. I couldn’t be alone in that. Hugs on the broken pile of junk. Hope it gets fixed…and the dog eventually gets hungry and abandons the car!

  45. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 1:57 pm #

    Karen, Karen, Karen. Appreciating Johnny D NAKED is infidelity. Hugh is mine. What’s more, he’s glad to be mine. When Johnny walked into the room sans clothes, I didn’t even give him a quick once over. I’m the loyal hound dog type.

  46. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 1:59 pm #

    Marie, when I don’t have days like the one you describe, it’s one of the Great Days that I remember fondly during all the Dark Days (the rest of the calendar year). Hang on! Soldier on! Writing only looks easy to those people who can’t manage to write a thank you note. LOL

  47. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:01 pm #

    Zambonigirl, your trainer broke your arm!?! Don’t they take some kind of oath not to injure the clients? This takes twisting your arm to get you to work out to a whole new level. Take care of yourself and stay out of the gym!!!

    These are words to live by, fellow goddesses.

  48. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:03 pm #

    Ellen, you have spent way over your allotted time with the cowboy manuscript. If Mr. Cowboy does not politely leave the house, give him the boot.

    I crack myself up.

    Seriously though, books get stale when they get worked to death. It’s time for some fresh meat. This from the woman who’d rather write than rewrite any day of the week.

  49. KariE on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:04 pm #

    Claudia, Thanks but I didn’t want to be in that group :P

  50. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:05 pm #

    Rachel, I have SO many shoes that have betrayed me. In fact, now that I’ve become a hardened street chick due to all the dirty fighting with the Monster Manuscript, I’ve *just* returned from a trip to the Goodwill. Some lucky woman will get 12 pairs of gorgeous shoes that are slightly uncomfortable, size 7.

    Merry Christmas?

  51. Mia Rose on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:06 pm #

    Karen Hawkins you’re hilarious. Quite a visual you’ve provided us with. :D
    Hmmm… now for Claudia’s questions, I’m afraid to admit that I haven’t *yet* (note the emphasis on that, because I’d really hate to jinx myself here) had a story that I’ve had to either pull painfully out as if it’s a splinter nor have I had one present itself kicking and screaming like a 2 yr old during a tantrum. Now, I’m not saying I’ve never had to forcefully insist upon my brain to write SOMETHING, to get some story on paper and I’ve had plenty of characters go on their own way during conversations and scenes… but it’s never painful. I love it when my characters follow their own brain, as long as they don’t get carried away and refuse to ultimately follow my direction which thank goodness has yet to happen. (I swear I’m jinxing myself right now and my current WIP is going to suffer horribly!) And I might have to admit that I enjoy beating any unruly words that come out into submission. Call it a fetish.

  52. Mia Rose on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:12 pm #

    As for any non-writing related things? I have a handful of movies I’ll refuse to watch because of a bad memory attached to them.
    Example, 50 First Dates… I’ve never ever seen it, nor will I because one of the ways I discovered a boyfriend was cheating on me was with THAT movie ticket. I can’t even look at the movie poster or hear the name without steam coming out of my ears all over again.
    How about food… I’ve gotten sick (alcohol related and not) and not been able to eat certain foods again because of it. Ew, like Flaming Hot Cheetos (the regular kind, not the Limon which I’ll eat still) and Green Beans. I’ll never touch those again. Ever.

  53. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:14 pm #

    Oh, and Ellen? One of my sons had a friend like that. Eddie Haskell defined him perfectly. Yuck. My kids reacted to “Eddie” in the same way “Wally” used to do; a roll of the eyes and a “why are you trying to snow my mom?” look.

    Which makes me realize that the writing had to be pretty good on that show for Eddie and Wally to be “types” that must have existed since the dawn of time.

  54. DebMarlowe on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:15 pm #

    Caren and I started the “We don’t run” club on our Saturday morning walks, even as we were being passed for the 3rd time by svelte young things and totally in shape older men. Yeah, they run, but we have amazing conversations. :-)

    Ellen, I’m with you. I never feel the same way towards people who do nasty things to my kids or expose them to ugliness. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that sort of powerful anger on my own behalf, but mess with my kids? You better watch out.

  55. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:18 pm #

    Mia Rose? You poor thing. You’ve just jinxed yourself. We at Mt. Oly will try our best to nix the jinx before it can take root and maim you permanently.

    I had TOTALLY forgotten about food! Put me down for home-made turkey soup. I came home sick from school one day and my mom was boiling the meat off the bones. Sounds as gross as it smelled to sick little me. To this day, I feel sick every time I smell turkey soup.

  56. Karen Rose on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:22 pm #

    I hate my dishwasher. And Windows Vista. If you give me a little more time I know I can think of some others.

    Things that left a bad taste in my mouth? Thousand Island dressing. The last time I ate it was 1990 and the dressing was sev-er-al weeks past its ex-date. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sick. DH had just received chemo and he was sick too. I had been a bit busy being a caregiver and hadn’t checked the ex-date before consuming.

    I have never made that mistake again. And Thousand Island dressing is off my list of consumables. Forever.

    As for books, I remember the one I hated. I don’t think anybody else knows, though.

    Claudia, I think you should instigate a Coup de Hugh while Karen H is busy being melted to her keyboard. Consider it an early holiday gift from Zeus.

  57. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:34 pm #

    I wonder what melted, red, high heels look like.

  58. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:45 pm #

    Karen Rose told me to consider divorcing my cowboy ms and try to embrace my romantic comedy voice. I’m trying, I’m trying…but, one never forgets their first love. Either way, I laughed over the “boot” comment.

    I can’t believe you feel the same way about Turkey Soup. I walked into a friend’s house when I was about two months preggers and smelled the soup…not dissimilar to a 14 year old’s B.O. I had to break from the hello embrace and proceeded to toss my cookies in their rubbish bin.

    Without skipping a beat she said, “Your stomach would appear to be empty. Would you like some soup?”

  59. Cookiedough on 14 Dec 2007 at 2:59 pm #

    Today and yesterday I was having trouble with my video making program.
    I’d get hrs into editing, and whammo! the program would freeze! Luckily not the computor, so I could shut it down and start all over again. arghgh
    I’ve done the work, finished the project, just waiting now for all email addys to send it off.

  60. Marie Conley on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:03 pm #

    You are hilarious Karen. Thanks for letting me know it isn’t just me.

    Trying to soldier on Claudia. I gave up for awhile, but now I’m back to the grindstone and grindstone it is. Feels like the stones are rubbing together in my brain trying to force loose the words.

  61. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:05 pm #

    Karen Rose, coup de Hugh accomplished. Hugh and I are disappearing into the jungle to, ah, enjoy the spoils of war.

  62. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:07 pm #

    Ellen, that’s it, we have enough information to make it official. Turkey Soup is inedible. Now all that’s left is to have it outlawed.

  63. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:08 pm #

    Karen Rose, while we’re outlawing Turkey Soup, we’ll add 1000 Island Dressing to the bill. No one eats it anymore, anyway. We should be able to slide it in, no problem.

  64. Kay on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:20 pm #

    Karen R, I know how those appliances can get to you. When we moved into our house, I hated the refrigerator. It was ugly, had a HUGE icemaker that took up most of the minuscule freezer, and the darn thing was NEW, so I couldn’t justify getting rid of it. Two years ago, after hating the thing for 13 years. it was still alive and kicking. I told my DH that I wanted a new one for my birthday. :-) New fridge was installed a week later, and I love it.

  65. cail on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:24 pm #

    everytime my father goes out of town my mother takes the frozen home made turkey soup from the freezer and throws it out.

    Turkey Soup should be banned from all menus

  66. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:33 pm #

    Add Green Beer to that list. No details necessary, just trust me. St. Paddy won’t mind.

  67. ZAMBONIGIRL on 14 Dec 2007 at 3:43 pm #

    claudia and ellen- he didn’t personally break my arm. he instructed me to perform a balance exercise that i’ve actually done several times before, and while i performed correctly, there was equipment malfunction. namely, a newly waxed hardwood floor. good news is that i’m finally in a cast. bad news is that it’s really uncomfortable and my wrist keeps swelling.

    and mia rose-i know exactly what you mean about the food and drink. i can never eat something after i’ve gotten sick of of it!

  68. Karen Rose on 14 Dec 2007 at 4:12 pm #

    Oh, oh, and the five-rum Hurricane alcoholic beverage in New Orleans that sinisterly masquerades as fruit punch.

    It is not fruit punch. On this, you may trust me.

  69. Karen Rose on 14 Dec 2007 at 4:13 pm #

    Move over, Tarzan and Jane. Claudia and Hugh have taken up residence in the Jungle.

  70. Kay on 14 Dec 2007 at 4:15 pm #

    My lethal drink is the Long Island Iced Tea—-NEVER AGAIN. It was hot, they were frozen & served with a straw. I lost count after 3 & I’m not sure how I survived. LOL

  71. Marie Conley on 14 Dec 2007 at 4:24 pm #

    LOL, my lethal drink would be crown and coke. Don’t try to drink the entire bottle I don’t care how much fun it sounds to an 18 year old. Just don’t do it.

    Thankfully my sister hid the bottle after I had finished off 1/2.

    But I didn’t get a hang over from that. I got a hang over from drinking 18 Smirnoff’s in a row. First and LAST time I ever drink that much.

  72. SuzyQ on 14 Dec 2007 at 4:27 pm #

    KarenR - I’ve had the Hurricane drink when I was in NO - practically fell off the chair when I tried to stand up!!!

  73. ladydawgfan on 14 Dec 2007 at 4:43 pm #

    Okay, I have been laughing out loud at this entire thread!! What a hoot!!!

    My Achilles’ Heel is my late, not so great car, my first new one. I will never buy domestic again bacause of it!!! What is worse is that I can’t afford at this point to replace it, and it needs such extensive repairs that it is sitting in my parent’s side yard with plastic over it to protect it from the elements (it leaks like a sieve)!!! It as needed so many repairs that it’s repair history (receipts notebook) is more than an inch thick!! Yet it doesn’t qualify for the state lemon law because something different breaks down every time!! Right now it is DOA (dead on it’s axles) with a full tank of gas!! I hate my car!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!

  74. Mia Rose on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:00 pm #

    Oh goodness, I want to go to New Orleans! That five-rum Hurricane drink sounds fantastic (sorry, Karen Rose if I’m causing any gag reflexes right now…). There’s a great Rum Bar here in Reno that I love AND they have dueling pianos!
    ANYWAYS, My own lethal alcohol intake was shots of Smirnoff’s Vodka 100proof. I had about 10 shots (some doubles) in about 10 minutes. Now, the slightest *whiff* of Vodka will cause me to gag uncontrollably. Horrible.
    I think every single person I know has one alcohol that they aren’t able to stomach any longer because of some stupid past transgression!

  75. Ellen on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:45 pm #

    I was 19. It was 100 degrees at a pool party that actually had Hugh Jackman serving as the bartender in the cabana. At least that’s what I remember.

    “What can I get for you,” he asked, letting his eyes travel slowly over my bikini clad bod.

    “I can’t decide,” I answered, unable to retrieve a single name of any alcohol. “Why don’t you decide for me.”

    Well, Hugh Jackman decided I should have several gin and tonics. Later that night when I was hugging my parent’s mailbox and speaking in tongues, I made an oath that I would never have gin again.

    Unless Hugh was pouring

  76. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:45 pm #

    I had the Hurricane in New Orleans once. Um, let me rephrase that. It was ordered for me, I let it wet my lips once (no swallowing required as it evaporated on contact), and I put it down never to touch it again.

    Claudia AKA “Lightweight”

  77. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:47 pm #

    Ellen, it can’t have been Hugh. He’s been my sole property for as long as I can remember. At least since this morning when Karen cut him loose for Johnny.

  78. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:48 pm #

    Zambonigirl, don’t defend him. He broke your arm. This is the story we’re sticking with in the law suit.

  79. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:49 pm #

    Ladydawgfan, cars are horrible! Nothing but money pits. Though I have to admit that I’ve had great luck with domestic cars. My Chevy Astro is 12 years old and still going strong, looks good too. I wish it would die. I’m sick to death of it.

  80. Karen Hawkins on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:55 pm #

    Sigh. Claudia, your sad little demented Hugh fantasies are so cute! Keep them coming. Hugh and I are laughing SO much!

    Cars are eeveeel though I have to say that I love my 98 Jeep Cherokee Classic. Now that’s a car with personality! AND it starts most of the time. The nice thing is that it also doesn’t start sometimes, but my mechanic taught me to jiggle the shifter and viola On she comes!

    I love that car. Can’t take it very far from the house, of course. But I love her, anyway.

  81. Karen Rose on 14 Dec 2007 at 5:56 pm #

    Oh, for your wisdom, Claudia! That night we had a designated walker who had thankfully ordered a virgin or we never would have found our way back to our hotel. Years later our designated walker was telling the story of how the “lawyer and the engineer” had to be taken back to their beds like children. “You’d think two smart women would have more sense.”

    Yeah.

    I have a 13-year-old Honda Accord that is peeling badly and whines every time I drive the kids to school. I’m praying it holds on for just a few more books. Then I’m getting me a fast car.

    Yeah.

    Claudia, you want to drive shotgun to keep me from getting speeding tickets?

  82. Claudia Dain on 14 Dec 2007 at 7:09 pm #

    Karen R, when it comes to speed, I am not your girl. I like speed. I like it a lot. It’s one of the reasons I sold my Porsche 911. LOL

    Karen H, what are you doing laughing with Hugh when Johnny is standing buck naked in front of you? I happen to know that Hugh is not interested in Johnny D, naked or otherwise.

  83. Emmiebee on 14 Dec 2007 at 8:12 pm #

    Bad store experience?
    Victoria’s Secret. Pure Distilled Evil. “But, that white cotton bra was designed with a younger woman’s figure in mind, Ma’am”. Said with a smirk. By a pre-pubescent sails twip. Ouch. I get that self-conscious junior-high-like feeling just thinking about it. How can my poor “girls” not even be sassy enough for a white, cotton bra? I thought that I was doing OK before ths incident. Sheesh.
    -Emmebee

  84. Kimberly W on 14 Dec 2007 at 8:36 pm #

    See while Karen and Claudia are fighting about Johnny and Hugh, I am merrily running off with them both:)

    Food and drink aversions are a big thing with me. I got sick when I was younger at a family fish fry and now even the site of fish or other seaffod makes me nauseous. The alchoholic drink that I think that did me in would have to be high-end vodka served with kosher dill pickles(it’s a russian thing). I am okay if they are a part but if they are in the same vicinity as the other, I have to leave the room.

    Oh and books that don’t now when to be good little doobuses and listen to their Mistress are EVVVVVIIIIILLLLLLLL!

  85. doglady on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:19 pm #

    Ladies, ladies! You do not naked mud wrestle each other for Hugh and Johnny. You grease them up, throw them in a pit and then YOU wrestle THEM. First lady to get her man out of the pit and hog-tied wins.

    Ellen, the writing exercise was simple. You put a bunch of words in a hat - nouns, adjectives, adverbs. You draw out 3. I drew “cave, glittering and soldier.” Then you have to write a chapter one using those three words. That was it. Strange, I know, but it worked.

    Emmiebee, you should have told that snip of a girl “I understand. That bra can’t handle REAL breasts on a REAL woman. It was made for people like … well …. you.

    Claudia I have had the loss of trust thing happen with a car as well. My DH was a psychiatrist. He said “You are not paranoid, if it really is out to get you!” I had a hyundai like that. He swore I killed it deliberately.

  86. Lisa H on 14 Dec 2007 at 9:33 pm #

    I was out shopping this afternoon and missed all this talk of Johnny!

    Yes, I will grease him up and wrestle him(it won’t be the first time) I like your solution to the problem.

    It seems Karen and Claudia don’t want him anyway, which is fine for me, more JOhnny for me to well…ahem…

    Thank you doglady for your wise council.

  87. Kimberly W on 15 Dec 2007 at 1:24 am #

    Sorry for the typos earlier. Geesh, you would thing I would prrof read, huh?

    I have a better I idea. Why don’t we grease them up and make them wrestle each other? That way we all can have ring side seats to watch the fun and when they are exhausted the first one that gets to them gets to keep them. Alzo, everyone gets a consolation prize, the fact you got to see an oiled up Johnny and Hugh wrestling for your enjoyment!

    Problem solved sans that cat fights to be the first one to get to them!

  88. pri.r. on 15 Dec 2007 at 2:57 am #

    this may come out a little slack….are there ever books that you find come kicking and screaming for you to READ?i know i’ve got one..
    Stephanie Laurens’s “Promise in a Kiss”… now don’t get me wrong, i love her other books in both Cynster and Bastion series… but dear god this book was kicking and screaming so hard i eventually had to kick it out! (to the back of my bookshelf), i think it was the characters and the fact that the book came out half way through her actual Cynester series so we kind of knew some of them a bit ..too much?, for instance Sebastian as a character, we all know that he ’slept out of pity’ with Richard’s real Scottish mother… but yet you spend the whole time reading about him being in love with Helena?!… there’s just something about that storyline that has ME throwing the tantrum..
    maybe this is a unique case of ‘cantgetoverititis’ but none the less… i just had to mention it.. oohh i hadan old computer that was quite frankly the bane of my existance

  89. Kimberly W on 15 Dec 2007 at 8:28 pm #

    I’ve had that happen to me before. I hate it, every once in awhile, when I am excited about buying a book but once I have it the volume tends to linger in the TBR pile. It frustrates me for no end but getting back to the subject, I find that happens to me at least once of twice in a 3 month span.

    I’ll whip through books left and right then all of a sudden I’ll get to one that just takes FOREVER to get through. The biggest problem with that is it is usually the shortest of them all as well:( There are a few authors I have found, thankfully none of our glorious goddesses among them, that this happens to me with.

    Cheryl Holt can be one of them some times but after her next book she will not be writing anymore historicals. Kat Martin is another. I love her books for the most part but some of her stories I get SO pissed at one or more of the characters that I have to walk away from it and read something else just so I can come back to get through it.

  90. Kimberly W on 15 Dec 2007 at 8:31 pm #

    Continuation of above:

    So I’ll post a question to everyone:

    What is it about some novels that upsets you to the point that you have to walk away from it for awhile, makes the book drag on forever, or you quit reading it all together?