So the other day, I was driving to the grocery store on the back roads and I passed a house that had several large, flat, painted cows in their yard. They made no attempt for them to look real—they were one dimensional and smiling. I thought that was odd because I live in Texas where cows are abundant. You can see them everywhere. There is no need, I assure you, to ever paint a piece of plywood like a smiling cow and put it in your yard.

But some people are really into yard art. On the way to West Texas—a place no one ever goes if they don’t absolutely have to, because it is deserty and dry and barren, and I grew up there—is a place in a little town on the side of the road called Juan’s Yard Art. Juan has some fine specimens, and there must be enough of a demand for his specimens, because he has been in business all these years.

Today, the people down the street erected an enormous snow globe in their yard, complete with falling snow. Santa and a reindeer are trapped inside in the frigid temps while the rest of us are in the 70s and shorts.

I am not a yard art person. I am not a decorations person. My friend has her house already decorated inside and out. I look at that and think that it’s a whole month for the dogs to tear it down, or Jack London’s grandbabies to eat green plastic stuff.

If I had to guess, I would guess that Suzanne and Rachel are yard art people. Suzanne’s would be sort of sci-fi-ish with storm troopers, and Rachel’s would be innocent animals dressed inappropriately. If I had to guess, I would think that Nicole, me, and Karen Rose break out the holiday gear last, and that Sabrina and Karen H. are somewhere in between. And I would guess that Claudia’s are the most tastefully done.

Goddesses, out yourselves! Are you a yard art person? A decorator? Are they up, or will you wait? And here is a little holiday gift for you: From everyone who posts a picture of their yard art or decorations under the announcement for this blog on the bulletin board, I will draw a name randomly to receive a signed copy of my backlist!

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Christmas time means toy ads.  Watching them, I was thinking about my toys when I was a kid.

When I was a little girl I would sometimes get a new doll at Christmas time.  I remember the remote controlled doll that crawled (she didn’t work).  One year I got a Velvet doll - remember her?  She was made of hard plastic with a knob on her back.  When the knob was turned her hair grew out of her head - like I Dream of Jeannie.  Velvet was cool because my best friend had a Chrissy doll (the auburn haired version of Velvet) and we’d make clothes to fit them.  My friend was more talented with a needle than I was.  I ended poking myself and bleeding all over poor Velvet.  Luckily she was plastic.  Looking back at the pics I found on eBay of Velvet, she looks kind of scary - like a girl Chucky or something.

Out of all my dolls, my favorite was one of my first, and unquestionably the ugliest.   Her name was Charlotte, but my sister called her Waa-baby.  She cried when you tilted her forward, had a cloth stuffed body and hard plastic arms, legs, and head.  Her hair was mostly gone as her were eyelashes.  She had no clothes and her “Mama” was unreliable.  [Author’s note:  I mean sometimes her cry-box didn’t function, not that I was a bad Dolly-Mama.]  But I loved her.

I lost her because one night my little sister got sick and my mom put Charlotte in her crib to comfort her.  My sister threw up all over my doll and when my mom washed her, Charlotte came unstuffed.   It was curtains for Charlotte and my first real life trauma.  This isn’t me, by the way, but I think I must have cried buckets.

After that, I got a dolls at Christmas for a few more years, but none of them were quite as good as ratty old Charlotte.  

Do you remember your first doll?  If you didn’t have a doll, what was your most prized possession as a kid?  Do you still have it? 

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I love weird news. And I use the term “news” lightly. I love to read about Bat Boy and discover what the “pointy eared fiend” is up to these days. The last time I read anything about him, he was in Afghanistan sniffing out Osama. I love “I am Bigfoot’s love child,” or “Aliens invade the White House,” stories. The cheesier the better.

In my quest for the weird and wacky today, I came across the following:

As an alternative to burial, cremation is no longer green enough, say environmentalists, because it releases smoke and mercury, and thus the industry is considering “promession,” in which the body is frozen in liquid nitrogen to minus-320 degrees (F) and then shaken until it disintegrates into powder. For green burials, the United States has at least six cemeteries that require biodegradable casings and for bodies to be free of embalming chemicals. The Forever Fernwood cemetery in Mill Valley, Calif., goes even further, according to an October Los Angeles Times story, banning grave markers, but, said the owner, “We issue the family a Google map with the GPS coordinates” so they can find their loved one. [Los Angeles Times, 10-28-07; Evening Standard (London), 10-10-07]

So what do you all think of being frozen in liquid nitrogen and shaken into powder? Personally, I hate the cold. So, I’d never agree to be turned into a snowball. And what’s wrong with grave makers? I understand the frozen vs cremated debate–don’t really agree–but I get the pros and cons. But what’s the logic behind banning grave markers? I don’t get it. And what do you all have to report from the world of the weird and wacky?

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So, I was watching The Big Bang Theory, a hilarious new sitcom about four super-intelligent grad students who hang out and talk geek together, and it occurred to me that I find almost all of them sexy, including Sheldon, the most geeky. You know why? I have a thing for nerds. I’m not sure why, but plenty of the guys I dated fell into that category: a physics Ph.D., a couple of computer programmers, a math whiz … I find the geek tres chic. One guy I dated was valedictorian, the top scorer in our Math Analysis class, a clarinet-player … and built like a male model. A geek magnifique, if you will.

I like nerds in fiction, too—I loved every one of the guys in Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ Hot Shot, about the computer industry. I thoroughly enjoyed Vicki Lewis Thompson’s Nerd Gone Wild. And nobody does historical geeks better than Amanda Quick (Jayne Ann Krentz), who has a touch of the lovable nerd in just about all her heroes.

Still, I do draw the line somewhere. Yes, I find it sexy when guys lapse into techno-speak or map the constellations. I don’t even mind geeks who alphabetize their CD collections (ahem, me, ahem) and play computer games (ahem, me, ahem). But it IS possible to cross from geek territory into dork hell, and dorks aren’t sexy. I once dated a guy who kept a card with punch lines in his wallet to remind him of the jokes he wanted to tell. THAT’s a dork.

What about you? Are you fond of geeks in real life? Literature? Romance novels? What turns a geek into a dork for you? And if you prefer the beefy, thinks-with-his-muscles sort of guy, what would it take for you to consider a nerd sexy? (Inquiring geeks want to know.)

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I did two things on Black Friday that I’ve never done before. The first was that I went to the mall. My kids needed stuff. That’s my excuse. The second thing I did that I’ve never done before is also the fault of my kids; I discovered iTunes.

This is how it happened. My daughter was sitting at the kitchen island, cruising the internet and listening to wonderful Christmas songs coming out of her computer. She had Frank Sinatra singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Bing Crosby crooning White Christmas, Dean Martin warbling Baby It’s Cold Outside. I was intrigued. I was spellbound. I was envious. I wanted my favorite holiday songs from my favorite artists, too!

That’s when my daughter introduced me to iTunes. Our computers side by side, the smell of cranberries and stuffing in the warm kitchen air, she showed me how to access iTunes and how to make purchases. Each only 99 cents!

Each only 99 cents.

You can see the problem. In an initial buying frenzy where I actually bought the same song by the same artist twice (different recordings), my daughter advised me to slow down, take a breath, and step away from the computer. But with just a click of the mouse, I could have Eartha Kitt singing Santa Baby. That’s my favorite holiday song!

No, wait, Judy Garland singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas is my favorite song. Hey, I’ve always wanted a copy of Judy singing You Made Me Love You. And while I’m on love songs, I’m going to click back to Frank Sinatra and pick up Come Fly With Me. And what was that song I heard on the radio that was so great?

I’m not even going to tell you how much money I spent at the iTunes dollar store, but I’ll say this: I have three different versions of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.

Am I the only one who has an iTunes addiction? Is there anyone else out there who buys in multiples? Who thinks that nothing bought for a dollar can be a bad purchase? Who thinks that owning multiple versions of the same song is completely logical?

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Lisa H alerted me to this Potential FROS (For Refreshment Only Sunday) Candidate and, after some intensive on-line research, I’m proud to say she was right — Carter Can.

This is Carter Oosterhouse:

He is the host of a show called Carter Can where he comes into your house with a slew of other handsome, capable construction workers, and fixes whatever problems you may have. He can move walls, redo faulty plumping, put in fireplaces — all of it.

Best yet, he does it while looking like this:

AND he brings this guy with him:

Along with THIS guy:

Ok, ok. Maybe he doesn’t bring those two particular guys. I just threw them into the mix for fun. (And thanks to our beloved goddess Judy for donating the second pic!)

My advice: If you haven’t seen Carter Can yet, you might want to start. He’s smart, single, and sexy!

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I forgot that yesterday was black Friday. I had to go to Macy’s for a baby gift, and I hadn’t realize it was the worst shopping day of the year until I got to the mall. As I waited in a long line in the parking lot to turn around and speed back home, a space opened up right in front of me really close to the front doors of the mall. What are the chances of that ever happening? How about none to never, and I figured it must have been an act of God. So, I pulled into the space. I mean, who am I to ignore an act of God?

I was shocked that the mall wasn’t as bad inside as it was outside. Yeah it was crowded, but not terrible. And I found several pieces of Spode for 50% off. I bought a Christmas flamingo for my mom at Dillard’s, and Bombay had all their nutcrackers on sell at 30% off. I collect nutcrackers and bought five. I saved thirty dollars at Victoria’s Secret, and my daughter found a Dooney and Bourke bag on sale for 250 bucks–no I didn’t buy it for her.

Will I brave the mall next year? Probably not. I still don’t like crowds or standing in line, but now I can say I experienced it once in my life. Sort of like skydiving.

How many of you braved black Friday? Did you find great bargains? What was the best bargain you ever found or made?

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My oldest daughter and I just returned from a 10-day trek through PA, CT, and NY where we visited colleges to which she might apply.  Because this was a 10-day trek and because I am anal-retentive about details, I developed an ITINERARY.  It was 5 beautiful spreadsheet pages of gorgeous details.  My daughter joked that I included time for snacks and watching HEROES on Monday night, but forgot to give her bathroom breaks.  Everybody’s a critic.  I was very proud of my intinerary.

The best laid plans … However, from Day 1 my plans were thwarted, first by my daughter’s back going out on her (poor thing!) coupled with a virus that hit her on the plane, which I promptly caught on Day 2.  Ew.  (I’ll say no more and let your imagination do the rest.)  So the itinerary was now compromised with half of the stuff in the first two days undone.

But we shuffled through, doing the important stuff and on Day 3 dragged ourselves to the train from Philly to NYC, planning to spend the weekend in relative relaxation, taking in a few Broadway shows, over which I’d agonized before buying the tickets well in advance.  Then ZAP!!  We hear the news - Broadway is on strike!  This is devastating for our intinerary.  My daughter was so disappointed!  No Little Mermaid!  No Avenue Q!  No Wicked!

On to Plan B … But we rallied, changing the itinerary, substituting other fun things in NYC.  Of course it was NYC, so there were lots of fun things to do!  We visited with friends and saw every Egyptian mummy at the Met and we walked.  And walked.  And walked some more.  But it was good.  I may have even lost a few pounds! We went on to see all the rest of the universities on our list and my daughter knows what’s out there for her.

So our trip was a success.  All the big stuff got accomplished and we ended up doing fun stuff we hadn’t planned.  So have I given up on itineraries?  Heck no!  But long ago I learned to roll with the punches and that Plan B can sometimes be even better.

So when have you punted to Plan B on trips or just everyday plans?  Did you have to punt to Plan B yesterday when the turkey got eaten by the Bumpass Dogs (from A Christmas Story)? Let’s have the details!

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We wish you and yours a Happy Turkey Day!

Blessings to all of you from Mt. Oly!

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My aunt and uncle traditionally hit the stores the morning after Thanksgiving. It’s the official beginning of their Christmas shopping season. From the bazillion ads I’ve been seeing on television, it’s opening day for a great many people. Some stores are advertising that they will be opening at 4 a.m. on Friday.

At 4 a.m. on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I will be sleeping. I will be sleeping for another four or five hours after that, barring disaster. And then, as we have done for the past dozen years, my sister, mom, best friend, and I will be going to lunch (if we are able to eat again yet) and seeing a movie. Which one, we haven’t decided yet. I want to see Enchanted, but No Country for Old Men and American Gangster have both gotten great reviews, too. Dad never goes, because there will be some sort of sporting event on television. And then I go home and start decorating the house for Christmas.

Anyway, I digress. My main point is that I stay as far away from any organized shopping centers as possible. They scare me on the day after Thanksgiving. I just don’t like those big crowds, and I always imagine myself getting into a fight over the last blue sweater at Mervyn’s or something.

Do you have a tradition for the day after Thanksgiving? When do you begin your seasonal shopping? And if you are going shopping on Friday, which store are you going to hit first, and at what time? Tell the truth, now.

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