Murder Most Delightful
Oct 21st 2007
Nicole JordanWhen Goddesses Fall To Earth
As a fiction writer, I’ve killed my share of villains. Granted, my villains aren’t as deliciously dastardly as Karen Rose’s, but they definitely deserved their comeuppance and I took pleasure in doing them in when their time came.
There are also villains in real life that I would love to see get their just desserts. In fact, I just read about a best-selling mystery writer who started her mystery career because she wanted to do in her ex-husband, and writing novels was the best way to kill him off over and over again without having to go to jail for it.
I’ve fantasized a few times about doing in certain real people. Top on my list is a dentist I went to several years 
ago on the recommendation of a neighbor. He screwed up my mouth so badly that I literally started grinding my teeth in my sleep in an unconscious effort to make my bite fit. That man caused me countless hours of misery, not to mention all the wasted time and the many thousands of dollars I spent to have my bite problems corrected.
Since then I’ve enjoyed dreaming up creative ways to off him – or at least torment him a little and make him suffer. Some of the fantasies in my darkest heart:
– Take out a contract out on him employing the assassins in TV shows Burn Notice and Alias.
– Tie him to his dentist patient chair and flood the room with laughing gas till he expires from laughing himself silly.
– Have a tribe of evil elves set up shop in his mouth and go to work with hammers and chisels,
– Drown him in a vat of boiling Listerine.
– Pay a wicked scientist – what was the name of that Dustin Hoffman movie? – to drill his molars out without anesthesia.
– Turn loose two dozen screaming kids with drills and give a prize to the kid who inflicts the most holes in his body.
– Make a voodoo doll of him and stick big swords in certain vulnerable parts of his anatomy.
Fortunately I’m a writer, so I can claim creative license. We’re talking fantasy here, and I would never actually act on my murderous impulses. But it sure would be satisfying to cause that villain even a fraction of the suffering he caused me.
Let me also say that I don’t have it in for all dentists. My new one is highly skilled at his trade. So was my dear late dentist father in law – and no, I didn’t have anything to do with the “late” part.
Is there someone you would love to see get their just rewards – payback for the pain and frustration they caused you? Do you ever fantasize about delicious ways to do in the villains in your life? Or is that just the realm of fiction writers?
53 Comments »
53 Responses to “Murder Most Delightful”
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 7:25 am #
Sister Mary Michael would take extreme pleasure in her surprise inspections of your book bag. At the very early age of seven, I fantasized about having a python in my book bag that would lunge out and attach itself to the evil sister’s saggy throat.
I swear I could hear the priest chuckle in the confessional when I told him.
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 7:32 am #
There are times when I have an unholy urge to kill perky people. Kathy Lee Gifford, Kelly Rippa and Rachel Ray seem to top the list, but just about anyone on TV can qualify.
Karen Hawkins on 22 Oct 2007 at 7:36 am #
Ellen, that’s TOO FUNNY!
Nicole, I can think of several people I’ve dreamed about doing in . . . is that bad? I don’t really mean it . . . I just want to see them suffer in FICTION.
The first person I want to ‘kill’ would be the guy who charged me over a thousand bucks to fix my car when it broke down in the middle of nowhere and I was desperate to get home and see my son play in his football championship. I made it home, barely, but it broke down in the driveway AS I PULLED IN and thought I was back in town, I still almost missed the game.
I could kill that guy twice for that. And painfully. Yes. Very painfully. Maybe something to do with a car rack and a battery charger.
Mmmmm . . . I’m going to sit her very quietly for the next few minutes and savor that image . . .
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 7:37 am #
Also, you know those parents who yell at other people’s kids when they strike out?…Well, while they are making fools of themselves, I sit there and fantasize about whacking them in the face with a baseball bat.
Sheeesh…I’m a bit disturbed by how many folks I want to snuff out.
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 7:40 am #
Karen, might I suggest a slow and painful death that involves battery cables attached to his mipples?
(Male nipples)
Karen Rose on 22 Oct 2007 at 7:56 am #
Ellen, your image of the python rearing up to choke the mean sister had me truly laughing out loud. And I can see the priest covering his mouth so that a little Ellen wouldn’t hear him laugh out loud, too. Then I started wondering how many times you gave a priest a chuckle over the course of your life.
Sure, there are people I’ve gotten mad at and fantasized seeing them get their just desserts. (Does that have 2 s’s or one?) Because I wouldn’t want those mean people to get dessert.
Karen Rose on 22 Oct 2007 at 8:03 am #
As for people I’d like to see get justice … Some I’d wish get more justice than others.
- The kid who made fun of me in the second grade and made me cry.
- The mean first grade teacher who ripped up my art project because I’d let the straw touch the paint when she told us not to (we were supposed to blow this lump of paint around to create stunning first grade masterpieces). I hated her for years…
- People who drive slow in the fast lane.
- People who bring babies to movie theaters and fancy restaurants.
- People who bring children in strollers to Disney and clog up the walkways. Having dodged such people all weekend, the desire to play bumper cars with their strollers is still quite fresh.
- The doctor who avoided me when my husband had cancer and all I wanted was answers to intelligent questions. And when he did deign to talk to me, treated me like a stupid idiot. Him, I’d like to see strung up between two ant hills and have honey poured over his privates.
Karen Rose on 22 Oct 2007 at 8:05 am #
So many more… Not all I’d like to see get whacked. Some I’d just like to see fall into mud or something more foul.
But some, I’d really like to see get whacked. Do they? I’m never telling!
FreshEChelle on 22 Oct 2007 at 8:05 am #
I dream of comeuppencefor people who lie, the sneaky or damaging type of lies (not the “those stripes are slimming on you” type of lie). People who report to me at work who lie to cover up when they are caught in a previous lie really make my skin crawl. It’s just not the kind of work environment we have so why?????
Revenge fantasies? I’ll ask Ellen to develop a few for me!! She’s got a real talent for them.
Karen Rose on 22 Oct 2007 at 8:08 am #
Oh, I meant to say THANK YOU to Nicole for the nice compliment on my evil villains
But I got so caught up in all those people I wanted to see get theirs!
cookeemama on 22 Oct 2007 at 9:00 am #
Wow, you all are really evil. I like that in a goddess. LOL Nicole, the name of that Dustin Hoffman movie was “The Marathon Man” and Sir Lawrence Olivier was the one who drilled sans anasthetic. My teeth still hurt when I think of that scene.
I’m with Ellen on the baseball parents. Just sub in parents in any sport who scream/cuss at the opposite team. Or their own kids. Makes me want to whack them with something. A baseball bat would do fine. In the knee caps.
Not being a creative writer, I always envision shoving someone in front of a bus. Yeah. That works. Currently it’s the jerk who’s stalking a granddaughter.
Meg on 22 Oct 2007 at 9:18 am #
There are a few people at work that I would love to see utterly humilliated!! I can’t stand the way they act so superior with everyone. There is a little group of them. And some of them haven’t been with the company as long as I have! I just can’t stand that attitude. But for some reason, I can’t think of anything that that would be good (or should I say bad) enough to bring them down a notch or two. Maybe I’ll pick something up here that I can imagine happening to them.
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 9:31 am #
>> Currently it’s the jerk who’s stalking a granddaughter.
Stalking your granddaughter? Shudder. That’s downright scary, CookieM. I would want to do something very serious to him too.
KarenR, that’s why you’re such an excellent supsense writer! Cause you have the revenge gene in spades, lol.
KarenH, It’s really too bad there’s no justice. That mechanic ought to be worked over in a body shop.
And the python is great revenege, Ellen! Love it!
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 9:32 am #
I’ve just thought of someone else I would love to do in, only it’s a computer voice recording that keeps calling me every other day for the last two months.
They change numbers (the last 4 digits) frequently, but I’ve *69?d them every time and reported them to the Fed Trade Commission. It hasn’t done a lick of good, but at least it gives me some action to take so I feel as if I’m a little in control — even if I’m not.
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 9:35 am #
>>>The doctor who avoided me when my husband had cancer and all I wanted was answers to intelligent questions. And when he did deign to talk to me, treated me like a stupid idiot.
So many doctors are like this!!! Especially orthopedic docs. That’s why I cherish the ones who take the tame to explain and don’t patronize.
Wonder why they treat patients like idiots? Cause they just don’t have the time to spend? Or because they want to stay up on their pedastal? Or because if they give us answers, we could challenge them?
Julia London on 22 Oct 2007 at 9:42 am #
Nicole, I love the boiling in a vat of listerine. That would do me in for sure.
I can see why Karen R is writing what she’s writing. And apparently she has a long way to go before she’s done, LOL
There is one man I dated years ago who really did a number on me. Intentionally, I found out. Some revenge thing against an old girlfriend that he took out on me. Stupid me didn’t see it coming. I would kill him a million times over in print if I wrote that sort of book. Tall, handsome, suave, and a freaking liar and a cheat.
KarenR — would you please do me the honor of slicing him up and feeding him to the fishes??
Kay on 22 Oct 2007 at 10:08 am #
KarenR, I’m with you on the strollers! Why do they think they have automatic right-of-way?
Nicole, most doctors have 15 min to spend with each patient. that’s how they are scheduled. They don’t get payed to give you more time, and they are booked up with lots of people waiting to see them. It sill doesn’t give them the right to be rlude.
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 10:26 am #
Julie, we must fix this man permanently! Tall, handsome, suave, liar and cheat. Hmmmm. We must hit close to home with this one
Sooooo…Chopping out his tongue and cutting off his “mini me” would take care of the liar and cheater. Then we can crazy glue both appendages to his forehead taking care of the handsome and suave.
Then he’d just be a tall dickhead that the villagers could chase with pitch forks and such.
Does that work for you?
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 10:28 am #
I just picked up some Goddess novels yesterday and lo and behold…Karen Rose’s was one of them. Let me speed read it and get back to you on some wonderful murder.
Oh wait…That might be plagiarism.
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 10:39 am #
good scenarios ladies. I hate to be on you bad side!
lol
hmm
my list would be:
the teacher who spanked me in grade primary
the boss who fired me when I was a LIVE in nanny 2 days after Christmas and expected me to move right out.( his reasoning was he didn’t like it that the children came to me first, their mother second and he, the new boyfriend, last, if at all)
I’m still best friends with the mom, he is long gone. I don’t blame her at all, she was seriously ill at the time.
the doctor who told me not to jump on the bandwagon of mammograms when my mother and sister had breast cancer
and finally I’m sure my neighbour is plotting his revenge to the guy who crashed his hummer into said neighbour’s house yesterday morning
anneriailin on 22 Oct 2007 at 10:58 am #
Where to begin the list of people to do in? Oh yea, a no-brainer there, the EX! I would love to see him get his, then the new wife who treated my kids like they were second class citizens when they would go down to visit their father. Next up is the fourth grade teacher who announced to the class that I was the only one in the entire class that hadn’t contributed to her money tree thing. Those are specific people I can think of right now. I agree with the person that said liars and not the little white lies but the liars that tell the jumbo sized lies that hurt deep down inside and cause you to doubt yourself.
–dorothy
Julia London on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:08 am #
ellen, I appreciate your ideas for what to do with dickhead. Unfortunately, they are not gruesome enough
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:26 am #
Definitely not gruesome enough, Julia! With all appologies to Ellen. Ellen, you gotta work on your evil quotient *G*.
IMO, there oughta be a special torture chamber for ex boyfriends and husbands.
And CookieD, I read your post about that Hummer on the Forum! Too wild. Why don’t you share it here for the goddesses who missed it?
NicoleJ
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:31 am #
well, I was going to post about the evil gruesome death by python I want for my landlord who doesn’t mind the mice that get in and the mouse that left itty bitty prints on my computor desk. yes I have a dusting aversion, but at least now I know I have the little buggers!
I’m taking a break from bleaching my entire apt.
ewwwwwww
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:35 am #
Let me get this straight…Hacking off his mini me is not gruesome enough for you guys???
Let’s be friends forever
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:39 am #
Would it have helped if I hacked it off with a rusty aluminum top from a dog food can?
Where’s Karen Rose when we need her.
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:46 am #
ok Hummer vs House
I made a video and will post on youtube..ahh youtube, what would I do without it! lol
so I woke up at 6 because natured called, and I saw all the flashing lights next door
quickly got dressed and ran outside to see what the heck was going on. my downstairs neighbour, who lives on that side of the house was jolted awake at 4:30 by the crash of the hummer. The young couple who live in the house had just spend three years restoring it by hand.
She told me she saw the driver try to gun the hummer out from the house, but was caught up on a concrete post. Cheryl called the police and telling them he was trying to get away. they came immediatly.
She could not believe I had slept though it all. we had lots of bystanders parked in our drive and up on our porch watching the action. I didn’t want to take pictures at first because I thought it would be too rude. I told the young couple afterwards that their pictures should be this years Christmas card
Poor homeowners had
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:56 am #
to go searching for their 2 cats- found them hiding under a bed. I was told Jason came out yelling with a huge piece of wood in his hands ready to whack the driver! talk about a revenge scenario!
The guy was very young- 20. and not drunk. Had been taken away to the station for a breathilizer, came back clean. so far no charges laid.
All very sad for their beautiful house.
the video is of the clean up effort. there was some exciting talk all over the neighbourhood yesterday and today. I shared my pics with my friends down at the library this morning. and my bus driver thought it was hilarious. Apparently, when the hosue was up for sale three years ago, everyone coveted it. it survived the Halifax Explosion, and the little old lady lived in it her while life and died at aged 96. I live in the pale green house next to it you see in the video. both houses have been there for well over 100 yrs.
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:56 am #
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiHos-FV83s
Julia London on 22 Oct 2007 at 12:22 pm #
cookiedough, that was amazing! And really sad from a pure, This Old House perspective.
Ellen, I really like the touch of the rusty top of a dog food can. niiiiiiice!
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 12:29 pm #
Boy, that is just unbelievable, CD! Did they ever figure out why the guy did it? Your poor neighbors oughta sic Karen Rose on him.
And Ellen, that is a little more evil, lol. We should leave it to Julia to decide if it’s evil enough.
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 12:38 pm #
Julia, thanks!
Nicole- I really like your methods of murder
I could really go for some - if I had a serial killer bent
but I can’t even watch Dexter.
Ellen, as for mr dickhead.. I would go for even more gruesome…how about
mini dickhead’s slow death by tattoo needle.
I had an evil ex -blamed me for all that was wrong in his life. I left
and took all my good kharma with me. All the bad stayed with him.
Ellen on 22 Oct 2007 at 12:55 pm #
If only Bob Villa was standing there when the hummer came through. Mmmwwwaaahaaaha
Ronlyn on 22 Oct 2007 at 1:18 pm #
I have an X boyfriend I’ll nominate for an ugle demise. Jerkoff took out numerous credit cards in my name. At least he was a big enough idiot to list my real contact info so I was notified about it, but still.
And the ex landlord who thought he was entitled to whatever was in our house while we were living there. Ummm, NOT!
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 1:42 pm #
Your ex obviously deserves an ugly demise, Ronlyn!
>>>could really go for some - if I had a serial killer bent
but I can’t even watch Dexter.
I don’t get that channel, but I’ve heard good things about that show. I can’t watch the real stuff like Criminal Minds. But the more lighthearted tongue in cheek assasins/killers I can enjoy.
I remember the worst most gruesome serial killer flick I ever saw was SEVEN, about the seven deadly sins. That was horrible — gave me nightmares for months.
I suppose that’s why I’ll stick to fantasy when I’m killing and torturing villains. That and the fact that I don’t want to go to jail!
colinfirthfan on 22 Oct 2007 at 1:57 pm #
Wow! CookieD, those poor homeowners. The Hummer, of course, is hardly damaged. Looks like the fender came off!
Did he fall asleep?
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 2:29 pm #
I’ve heard from lots of people who really like Dexter. I must admit I haven’t actually sat down and watched it. I have it on my digital ondemand. maybe I should watch before passing judgement. lol
Criminal minds , Without a Trace and L&O’s Special Victims really bother me, so I don’t watch.
Ellen, you don’t like Bob Villa? lol
the Hummer vs House thing -
The word is he had a “female passenger” that no one saw. she wasn’t on the scene at all. either he fell asleep, or maybe she was “doing a job” and he lost control.
OK, I had to laugh as I typed that.
going back to cleaning now
laughing all the way with THAT image stuck in my head
hahaha
cail on 22 Oct 2007 at 3:36 pm #
i tend to get most annoyed at computer programs that don’t work.
can anyone think of a slow and painful death for Excel?
Judy F on 22 Oct 2007 at 4:07 pm #
Karen R I am with you on people with kids in strollers. I was at a local festival a weekend ago, the think gets packed. Its hard enough to walk around without having to save yourself from people pushing strollers. One lady I swear was pushing a bus. and what is up with people bringing their dogs to it either. I kept fearing to step on someones little darling.
I would like to string up my landlord that took him months to fix my running toilet that his maintence idiot swears never made the noise for him..
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 5:21 pm #
>>>can anyone think of a slow and painful death for Excel?
LOL, Cail. I feel that way about Word. Unfortunately all the revenge scenarios I can think of will only hurt me, since most of the rest of the business world uses MS software.
And Judy, bad landlords also deserve a special torture chamber!
Nicole Jordan on 22 Oct 2007 at 5:22 pm #
Oh, and this is gonna sound ignorant, but who is Bob Villa?
Cookiedough on 22 Oct 2007 at 5:36 pm #
especially mine! doofus-spineless,-treat me like a feeble week female why don’t cha-never fix anything –manhole!
Bob Villa, for those of you not surrounded by wood workshop loving men, is a This Old House god
He’s a do-it- all contractor . I actually enjoy watching him. He and Norm from the new Yankee Workshop
My absolute fav is watching/drooling over the guy from Real Renos. a Canadian show, so google him up ladies- Jim Caruk -yummy!
I may be a girly girl, but I know how to mitersaw, batch up concete, brick up a wall with a dickhead inside… waving my tool box with pride!
I also have a handy dandy brother in law who made his grandson a sand box in two hrs two weeks ago. giggle boy from the Goddess video
Karen Rose on 22 Oct 2007 at 6:30 pm #
Hey Guys,
Sorry I haven’t been here to inject a few more murdering ideas, LOL. I have been …. DRUM ROLL …. getting the new cable installed! (From my Friday blog.)
I didn’t have internet part of the day, so I’ve been AWOL.
I like the rusty dog food can lid. I hope he’s had his tetanus shots, snicker, snicker, snicker. If not, find that callused doctor and give him a really BIG needle. Like six inches long. And sharp. With barbs.
claudia dain on 22 Oct 2007 at 6:37 pm #
I’m late to this particular gruesome party because (hey, Karen!) my internet connection has been fitzy all day.
I don’t have any fun ideas to add to the mix. My idea of revenge is “living well is the best revenge.” People who’ve bothered me in the past have the insult of being completely forgotten by me, even down to their names.
Is there anything worse than being completely forgotten?
Karen Rose on 22 Oct 2007 at 6:45 pm #
I can think of several, painful things that would be FAR worse than being forgotten, Claudia. Bwahahahahaha.
Sabrina Jeffries on 22 Oct 2007 at 6:57 pm #
Clearly there’s something wrong with me, since I have never really fantasized about killing anyone, except as part of plotting a book. There are people who did things that annoyed or angered me, but not to the extent that I want to see them suffer.
But when I was writing suspense, I did enjoy coming up with scary murders (I had a couple who were pushed overboard on a boat and were killed by the engine rotors, which chopped them up–don’t know if that would work, though).
I did once think a truly gruesome death would be to mix spun glass in with cotton candy, so that someone ate it and died. But now I realize that it probably wouldn’t work because the person wouldn’t swallow. The minute they got the glass in their mouth, they would realize something was wrong.
Love the Hummer video! How stupid can you be to hit a house with a Hummer?
Susan K on 22 Oct 2007 at 7:29 pm #
When I worked for the AAA Auto Club we would get some really nasty people in there. If someone was really horrible to me I would come up with really nasty and horrible ends for them and put them in my stories. It made me feel better plus I wasn’t breaking the law. It was about the only thing that kept me sane at that place!
doglady on 22 Oct 2007 at 11:47 pm #
I am dragging my butt in here after a really bad day at work to say that I would dearly love to hang members of management where I work in the bakery freezer until they are frozen enough for me to break parts off, thaw them out and then refreeze them and break more parts off, repeat ad infinitum. On the serious side I would love to run over the drunk driver who killed my husband with a Hummer - one inch at a time. Or maybe make him drink until he died of alcohol poisoning. Okay, this is a bad topic for me after I have had a bad day! However, some of you ladies, frankly, make me look like a rank amateur! The opera director at USM who gave lead roles to girls with whom he slept should be made to listen to the one he finally knocked up and had to marry sing the role of Mimi from La Boheme over and over again. Trust me, ladies, it would be a fate worse than death! Hey, this is kind of fun. Anyone up for a trip to the alligator farm? Alligators digest everything you know. EVERYTHING!! BWAHA
Nicole Jordan on 23 Oct 2007 at 9:12 am #
Sabrina, I wonder if your sweet nature has anything to do with your parents being missionaries? And Claudia, there is just no hope for you. You are too nice!! I suppose I get my vengeful nature from being a Scorpio *G*.
I love your freezer idea, DL! And that is just horrible about your dh. I’m so very sorry. Aligators would be way too good for him.
And Susan, there is something cathartic about putting real villains in stories and then giving them their just desserts. (Yes, it does have 2 S’s).
Sabrina Jeffries on 23 Oct 2007 at 4:45 pm #
Why does everybody always think I’m sweet? I’m not! Really, I’m not. I just come across that way.
tami on 24 Oct 2007 at 10:09 pm #
wow i found MY people
yall so smart! , and hmm there was alot that i hadnt thought of
i could easliy fall in love with yall
Nicole Jordan on 25 Oct 2007 at 1:03 pm #
Welcome, Tami! We hope you do fall in love with us!
evlqn on 26 Oct 2007 at 1:03 am #
Whackage is good! And I have wanted to whack my fair share of the planet. But my favorite “back at ya” of all time is over 30 years old. My sister and I lived in a small Colorado town, very narrow minded place,and a man there started nasty rumors about us. And he made much of the fact we are pagan. Finally, we told this gentleman’s friend that we planned to curse him with a permanent hard-on and NO supply. since he believed we were evil incarnate,he believed. After hiding from us for nearly a month he packed up and left town. Damn fool never realized that we don’t do that kind of stuff.