Romantic . . . or not?
Sep 28th 2007
Karen HawkinsGoddess Grins
I was chatting with some friends about romance and, to my surprise, the discussion turned into a debate. The eight of us were split into three camps about which type of ‘romance’ was more important; service, romantic gesture, or connection.
Just to make things easy, here’s an example of service: He drove my car to the store and decided it needed new brakes. He had them fixed during his lunch hour the very next day. Things like that let me know he cares about my well being. I did the same for him last week when I installed a spam protector on his gaming computer.
Here’s an example of romantic gesture: He came home from work yesterday with a dozen roses ‘just because.’ Things like that let me know he values our special relationship and keeps a little ‘zip’ in all we do. I do the same for him when I write ‘love notes’ and pack them in his lunch.
And here’s an example of connection: He knows when I need a hug and can always make me laugh. That lets me know he cares about how I feel. I do the same for him by encouraging him to go golfing when his work gets crazy or by giving him a special back rub when he seems down or stressed out.
What do you think? Which type of romance MOST represents the kind you have now or want in your next relationship - service, romantic gesture, or connection? Which do you think is most important? Do you think any of these ‘types’ of romance are over-rated? Under-valued?
32 Comments »
32 Responses to “Romantic . . . or not?”
aussie dee on 29 Sep 2007 at 4:30 am #
why just one? why not all three? all three without being clingy have a need in relationship.
Maggie Robinson on 29 Sep 2007 at 6:07 am #
I think I have it all, LOL! But service is foremost. My husband fills up my car with gas every week, so I don’t even know how horrible it is $$ wise at the pump. Then he grocery shops. I’m going to keep him.
twolilhahas on 29 Sep 2007 at 7:18 am #
If I had to choose just one, though I really like aussie dee’s idea of having all three, I’d go with service. I mean, a man that would fix my car when it’s down is all I need.
If you have someone like that, you can depend on him to take care of things, to help you out when you need it. I’ve been a single mom long enough to know the value of having someone to lend a helping hand or someone with which to share the day-to-day life burdens.
I really think the romantic gesture is over-rated. I mean, it’s nice to get little just because gifts, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not going to help you get through life…unless he’s dropping little hundred dollar bills at you “just because!” It would probably be very important for a budding relationship before you get to the real meat of being together. And it would be fun and nice later when you’re in the “old married couple” stage, but unnecessary.
I would say connection can be worked around with good communication.
Sabrina Jeffries on 29 Sep 2007 at 7:36 am #
Well, I have two out of three–the romantic gesture tends to be beyond my husband. But he’s very good in the service dept.–he does a million little things in caring for our son, for example. He shoulders half that burden. He also does more than his share of the housework, keeps the cars in working order, runs errands for me … He really does a lot. And if I’m going on a business trip, he always checks out the car to make sure I don’t have any problems while I’m gone.
For the last one, if I’m having a meltdown, he’s there to lend a shoulder, fetch me coffee, ask if he can do anything to help. He’s a good guy, so I can do without the romantic gestures.
Yes, it would be nice to have all three, but I too think the romantic gesture can be over-related. To me, the day-to-day stuff matters more.
twolilhahas on 29 Sep 2007 at 7:43 am #
The more I think about it, the more it seems like it depends on what stage of life and relationship you’re in. In the beginning, like I said before, little just because gifts are a great way to show you care without investing a whole lot. But when you’re in the having kids stage, and the living with bills stage, and the life is hard stage, a helper is what works best. Then after the kids are grown and gone, and after there is no rush to be at work everyday, connection is probably what people crave. It’s like something you earn from years and years of experience together. I could be wrong. I haven’t progressed to the last stage yet. But I can see how I would appreciate having someone connect with me when I’m older. Now, I just feel like, “Take out the garbage without me having to beg and I’ll let you know when I need a good foot rub. Deal?” lol
Dev on 29 Sep 2007 at 8:03 am #
I’d have to go with the connection. At the end of the day, I just want someone I can “be” with, warts and all. The romantic gestures are great, but nothing beats the feeling of just being able to be myself with someone and know I’m loved anyway.
Darla on 29 Sep 2007 at 8:30 am #
I’m a very lucky woman…I have all three of those in my 28 year marriage!
I don’t think any one of them is more important then the other, but they all have their time and place.
Karen Hawkins on 29 Sep 2007 at 8:40 am #
aussie dee, you CAN have all three, but usually one of them is cherished more than others. Is there one you feel is the most important? Or are they equal?
Sabrina, you have an ADORABLE husband. Tell him we said so.
I think most relationships have all three at various times. But twolilahs has a good point — maybe which is most important depends on where you are in your life. And perhaps some of it has to do with what YOU need, personally.
Dev, I’m with you. For me, it’s about connection. I can take my own car to the shop, but I need a hug now and then.
Darla, congrats! You’re a lucky woman! Does you dh excel in one of these or is he awesome in all? And if he is, can we clone him?
doglady on 29 Sep 2007 at 8:44 am #
Hmmm. This is quite a conundrum! All three, of course, would be great! I have to say I did have all three to a certain degree with my hubby. He tended to be a bit absent-minded (when your IQ was over 200 you tended to be that way.) If I asked him to do something, however, he would drop everything to take care of it, come back, say “all done,” give me a kiss and go back to what he was doing (studying serial killers - he was a prison psych.) Then out of the blue he would come up with some romantic gesture - just because. He made me laugh and he HATED to see me cry. He was a truly great guy and that is why I have never remarried. You never get that lucky twice.
The new men in my life are my dogs. Not a bad arrangement. They’re loyal, sweet, forgiving, always there when you need them. They always sense when I am upset or just plain don’t feel well. They come and lay down next to me and commiserate. Always happy to see me. Now if I could just teach my chihuahua to change the oil in the car
twolilhahas on 29 Sep 2007 at 9:02 am #
Karen, I need a hug now and then, too. I understand that completely. For me, it just doesn’t have to be his idea. I’m okay with saying, “Do you see these tears of stress streaming down my face? That means NOW would be a great time for YOU to exercise your right to HUG me!!!” Then when he hugs me I usually laugh, because I had to tell him to do it…and it does take a little of the fun away…but not too much.
I’m in the “old married couple” stage in my relationship with my guy. We were best friends for a long time before we became more, so we pretty much skipped the “just because” flowers and things. He will go inside a store and come out with BBQ corn chips just because he knows I love them. That’s always a treat. lol But mainly I appreciate that he’ll put the carseat in and out of the car for me. Or that he’ll get the kids a drink when they ask. Or that he’s helping me get a car because I’m starting a new job next week and need one for it.
twolilhahas on 29 Sep 2007 at 9:04 am #
Lol doglady! I thought, dang, poor woman…then I realized you were talking about real dogs.
doglady on 29 Sep 2007 at 9:48 am #
twolilhahas, I cracked up when I read your post! I realize that a lot of women THINK the men in their lives are dogs!!! The four legged variety are all I can handle at this point. Not to mention the fact that because they are neutered they don’t “wander.” My newest rescue dog, Cotton, is so in love with me that he follows me to the gate when I leave for work. He lays down right there and when I come home he is waiting at the gate, his whole body wagging because I came home! That is a really nice feeling at the end of a hard day at Wal-Mart dealing with managers, customers and co-workers who don’t appreciate you!!
There is something to be said for a man who remembers what kind of chips you like AND helps with the car seat. It is the little things that creep into your heart.
Karen Rose on 29 Sep 2007 at 10:50 am #
I’ve got all three and am the luckiest woman ever. But if you make me choose, I’d have to say the connection.
I can do for myself. I’d probably starve and have scurvy because everything I’d eat would be microwaved or from a can, but at the end of the day I can do many of the things myself.
DH will often bring me flowers for no reason at all. Sometimes he’ll rent a movie he knows I like. I have no complaints in the gestures department. He’s better at it than I am. I need to work at that more.
But the connection - he made me laugh when I was 17 and he can still make me laugh even as I’m shaking my head at his middle school humor. He is my heart.
Sorry for the sappiness. I’m watching Sleepless in Seattle right now.
Sherri Erwin on 29 Sep 2007 at 10:51 am #
I’m apparently high maintenance. I want it all! But in the end, the connection means the most to me. That even in a crowded room I can just glance at my husband and know exactly what he’s thinking, that’s romance to me.
darkshire007 on 29 Sep 2007 at 10:55 am #
my sweetie doesn’t do any of these things. we just flow along sometimes without ever saying much; just enjoying the company. once or twice he has taken me out to the range for shooting lessons; he thinks i should be able to defend myself if he’s not there (i thought that was what the dogs were for!). i take care of the upkeep on the vehicles/house, the shopping, remembering family birthdays/anniversaries, buying him things (just because), and the list goes on. i guess learning how to take a gun apart and clean it is his way of showing me he cares about my well being.
Karen Hawkins on 29 Sep 2007 at 11:01 am #
doglady, I did the same thing — thought WOW, POOR WOMAN! And then I realized you meant real dogs, and I had to smile because my pups are great at knowing when I need a hug or a laugh. If you get your chihauhau to change the oil, lemme know. My golden could use a lesson.
I want it all, too, but I have to say that while I love romantic gestures, I don’t really need them and if I get too many, they lose their specialness. Once in a while is enough and all the more special because of it.
Karen Hawkins on 29 Sep 2007 at 11:18 am #
Karen Rose, you’re a lucky woman indeed!
Sherri, the-glance-across-the-room is very intimate. I love those moments, too!
darkshire, when I was about 25 years old, I watched my dad hide a diamond ring in the freezer for my mother to find. He’d wrapped it in beautiful silver paper and it was an astonishingly gorgeous ring. Anyway, after my mother opened it, I said, “That was so romantic!” And she said, “He’s been in training for 25 years. That’s all it takes.”
That made me laugh so hard, but she was right — my dad never did anything like that when I was younger. It took him over twenty years to figure things out and she said she had to learn to stop suggesting and explain things to him ‘in a very clear voice’ because his family never did those sorts of things and so he never thought of them.
Lisa H on 29 Sep 2007 at 11:33 am #
Oh Karen…my husband is totally all about service, and I really appreciate it so much, especially the part about taking care of the car, the mowing, the bills…but he is so singular minded that that is often all I get, and would love some romantic gestures and especially the connection once in a while.
I have only been married 15 years, maybe I need to be more like your Mom and keep training another 10 years!
I must say, I do get flowers on my anniversary more often than I used to!
Kelly Ann on 29 Sep 2007 at 2:31 pm #
Some of you are very lucky indeed. I suppose I have the romantic gesture and he always gives me the items that I want or need most - but this year for my birthday, even though he bought me the most wonderful printer, scanner, copier that matched my laptop he bought me a funny card. He has never done that before, they have always been the most romantic lovely cards.
I guess I have the the service too, if I ask. Mostly I have to do these things myself. Sometimes (rarely) I don’t have to ask though and that makes all the difference.
I think connection is what I would most like to have, never have had, always wanted it, and pray is not overrated. I just don’t know if this is something that I can train Tony on though, my actions should be enough, part of me believes that it should be there because he wants it there. Maybe someday I will be lucky enough to get it!!!!!
Nicole Jordan on 29 Sep 2007 at 3:30 pm #
That’s a fun question, KarenH! And I agree with Two and others… I think maybe what category I appreciate most depends on where I am in my life.
The romantic gestures were great when was younger, the service meant more when I was working so dang hard and stretched to the limit, and the connection means most to me now. My dh’s hugs can sure make my day better!
Karen Hawkins on 29 Sep 2007 at 5:33 pm #
Lisa H and Kelly, I think a man who helps is VERY sexy. My dh always does the dishes and that means so much to me!
I think women tend to give what we want — romantic gestures or service or connection, and we expect to get it back. That doesn’t always work. Sometimes you have to come right out and ask for what you want. I don’t think that makes the gesture mean less. It just means you’re gently showing the other person what you want and need. Surely that’s a good thing? And hopefully, it will open the way for them to tell you more about what they might want or need.
I’ve always thought that most of us act according to the way we were raised. If we came from a home where service was the way love was shown, then we do it, too. And if we came from a house where romantic connection was evident, then we seek that. Sometimes it just doesn’t dawn on us to do things differently until someone mentions it.
lisa on 29 Sep 2007 at 9:28 pm #
There is a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages that addresses this issue. His theory is that we all have a primary love language
1.acts of service
2.physical affection
3.words of affirmation
4.gifts
5.quality time
We feel most loved when we receive our primary language and we naturally want to return love in the same way; however, our primary love language may not be our spouses so we need to discover theirs in order to make them feel loved too. We all have secondary love languages as well. It’s a great book written by a great man.
Brandy on 29 Sep 2007 at 9:50 pm #
We have, as a couple, mostly a “connection” of romantic events. But, all 3 are present. My husband came home from work early the other evening because I didn’t feel well. To me, that shows a bit of all three. He gave up time, for me. *g*
Sabrina Jeffries on 29 Sep 2007 at 10:02 pm #
Ooh, Lisa, that sounds really interesting. I’ll have to get that book.
You know, my husband did do more of the romantic gestures when we were first dating and early in our marriage, but after our son was born and diagnosed it got harder I think. I came from a home where my father was ultra romantic (after a few years of training :-), though not so good about the service part). So I tend to want that in a man, too. But my dh is VERY literal, and I am learning to tell him what I want and not expect him to guess it, the way my dad seemed to.
Funny story, though. After years of watching my father seem to read my mother’s mind to get her perfect presents, I was in a store with him one day, and he showed me something and said, “Do you think your mom would like this?” When I said yes, he mumbled something about the problem with Mom being she wouldn’t TELL him what she liked, and she expected him to read her mind. It was such a shock to hear that he wasn’t quite the empathetic guy I assumed!
twolilhahas on 30 Sep 2007 at 1:23 am #
Wow! Sucks I missed all this conversation today. This was a really interesting subject and it had me watching my bf all day to see examples. lol First off this morning he picked me up to go car shopping and I’ll go ahead and say, I’m a sucker for sweat tea. I don’t drink coffee, but I drink tea as my first drink of the day to get me going…and I’m very picky. So, first off today he heads into town in the opposite direction of the car dealership and I asked, “Where are we going?” “To Howland’s,” he says…the store that has the BEST sweet tea in town. It was so sweat. He knew before I did that I’d want that this morning. Not only that but he went in a got it for me.
So, he coupled romantic gesture with service. So, after watching several examples today, I’d say he exhibits a little of all of the above…which is nice…and this blog helped me to recognize it!
pri.r. on 30 Sep 2007 at 2:51 am #
definetly connection romance…. even though i really wouldn’t be complaining if i he went for the odd romantic gesture now and then
Laurie G on 30 Sep 2007 at 6:11 am #
After 30 years of marriage… Connection is the most important to me! My husband is my best friend , we’ve been through many a crisis together raising 4 children. We know when we need a break from each other, but we love to be together too. It’s the little things: a kiss, a smile, a joke, a walk every evening where we discuss our hopes, dreams and just reconnect. We do allow each other our freedoms I read, exercise, swim, he putzes with tools. He loves to fix things BUT I can get my car serviced on my own. Gestures are nice! But, communication is a Must!
Karen Hawkins on 30 Sep 2007 at 8:37 am #
Lisa! I must get that book! I love books about relationships. I get great ideas for my books and it helps me appreciate various aspects of the relationship I have now. Tres cool! I feel a bookstore trip coming on!
Brandy, that’s very sweet of your hubby! He’s a hero right off of Mt. Olympus.
Sabrina, it’s nice to see that your dad has learned his gifts over time. I hope that I get at my relationship as time goes on, too. That’s a great goal.
twolilahs, ahhh yet, the Must Have Drink. I’m the same way — gotta have my coffee in the AM. And so often my guy will bring it to me, exactly the way I like it. It really sets my day on the right path and I appreciate it so much.
Pri, I think most men have difficulty with the romantic gesture because it’s not something they all naturally appreciate. However, when they do it and do it right, wowza!
Laurie G, sounds like you guys have a great relationship and I love your idea of an evening walk together. Great idea!
Kathy on 30 Sep 2007 at 11:35 am #
Hi Goddesses and Friends,
I vote communication, then service, then loving gestures. Don’t have a significant other right now, and 3 ex-husbands so I definately am missing some vital connection. I am real clear on what I don’t want!!!! Bless ya’all and your loved ones too.
RachelG on 30 Sep 2007 at 11:52 am #
I don’t care for romantic gestures, and if I give my husband a back rub, he thinks it’s foreplay. But I really do love it when he takes my SUV in to have the brakes done.
RG
zambonigirl on 30 Sep 2007 at 10:37 pm #
I think connection. If there’s a connection, then he automatically can sense that something is amiss or needs to be done. I’d much rather have a guy who knows that I need a footrub than a guy who spontaneously brings me roses. Roses wilt, but footrubs are those things that you remember long after the relationship has ended. (Yeah, since I’m not married, you might want to take everything with a grain of salt here…)
Anyway, Connection, Service, Romantic Gesture. That’s the order I’d go in.
Karen Hawkins on 30 Sep 2007 at 10:44 pm #
Kathy, you cracked me up with your ‘knowing what I don’t want!’ Thanks for sharing. And perhaps you’re like I was and just had a tendency to fall in love with potential rather than What Is. That will definitely take one on the path to divorce!
Rachel G, I’m with you. Some of the sexiest things my guy does has to do with things he does for me. He’s awesome about cleaning up the kitchen and he’ll change the litter box without being asked, both things I hate to do. Gotta love a man who”ll do all the icky house chores!
zamboni, you don’t have to be married to know what you want in a realtionship! Sounds like you know exactly whatcha want — and AMEN to the footrubs!