Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
Sep 4th 2007
Suzanne EnochOn Writing!
I used to like Spam, back when it was its own food group and Monty Python chanted about it. I never knew what it was, exactly, and I think I was probably better off that way.
The new Spam, I don’t like. The Spam I find in multitudes every morning when I open my virtual mail box. The two things I hate most about it are 1) its absurdity, and 2) the fact that on rare occasion it fools me into opening it.
First, the absurd Spam. The “You’ll Be Able to Unhook Her Bra with Your Penis” (I kid you not, that’s a real subject line) junk mail. The “You’ll Be Longer and Harder” or “Dude, What if Your Wife Finds Out?” Spam. Because, believe it or not, I don’t have a penis. I don’t want to unhook someone’s bra with one. If I did have a penis and if I wasn’t happy with its size, I would quietly speak with my doctor. I wouldn’t click on Spam and expect to have my problems solved.
Second, the tricky Spam. Sometimes I’ll get an email from a normal-sounding person (not Persnickety P. Alfalfa) not otherwise known to me with a subject line that says “I Love Your New One”. Yes, it could be referring to the above Bra-Removing Penis, but it could also be a thank-you from a reader who enjoyed my new book. Sometimes, it’s a thank-you. Usually, it’s an ad for Cialis or a secret about some stock that’s going to go through the roof on Monday.
Luckily, Spam frequently defeats itself. Before I open an email from someone I don’t know, I look at the rest of the subject lines in my bulk mail box. When Marge, Daisy, Matt, Clark, and Eva all say 
“I Love Your New One”, then I’m pretty sure I don’t need to know what it is they love. I suppose that it’s fortunate Spammers overlap themselves and are otherwise stupid, making the greatest inconvenience the fact that every morning I have 60-90 questionable messages in my bulk folder. Messages I can’t just leave there, because every so often it’s me that somebody loves.
How do you view Spam? Have you (or your computer) ever caught a virus because of Spam? Have you found a way to block it without blocking people you might actually want to hear from?
38 Comments »
38 Responses to “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam”
zambonigirl on 05 Sep 2007 at 12:15 am #
There’s a local graphic artist whose live journal I follow, and she had several spam entries several weeks ago. She spammed the spammer back, but with bigger, better (ha!) spam. Unfortunately, the recipient of her spam always found out before they went in for the “kill” and asked for funds of some kind from her. It was hilarious to read. I just delete it, but one day, I’d love to have the chutzpah to do what she did and reply to a spammer. Particularly the kind that tell you about a great new stock, or an off-shore bank that needs to move money from one account to another.
I have to wonder, though, what makes these people think that someone called “zamboniGIRL” would want to enlarge her penis, or look at hot underage Asian chicks.
I would like to look at pictures of Shirtless Christian Bale…
*googles*
twolilhahas on 05 Sep 2007 at 12:24 am #
OMG I hate spam. I used to get this horrid p0rn spam emails and they’d come with pictures attached. My program would download the pics and show them in the preview window…which totally sucked because #1) I didn’t want to see that crap and #2) my kids could walk up at anytime and be exposed to something horrible. That happened a couple of times…if the spam was the last one in the inbox, it was the one that displayed…and if the babies were standing there…not good. So I emailed alltel and forwarded the email to them and was like, “I have kids…this is SO NOT COOL with me.” I have never received another one…
Lately, I’ve been getting those secret bank account with a million dollars in it that I’m supposedly the beneficiary of…yeah, right. All I have to do is give them my bank account number so they can deposit the funds. hahaha I’ll get right on that.
twolilhahas on 05 Sep 2007 at 12:26 am #
oops…that would be…”I used to get THESE horrid…”
I don’t get emails from strangers really…so it hasn’t been a big issue with missing important emails. Occasionally, I have deleted correspondence from the college or something…but then I figured it out in time.
Karen Rose on 05 Sep 2007 at 1:30 am #
The spam that nearly fooled me was the first time I got one saying someone had emailed me a Hallmark card. I have a few reader fans that send me e-cards as does Mr. R sometimes. Luckily I knew what a legit Hallmark.com looked like, because this spam one was pretty darn close - with the Hallmark emblem and everything.
This is sad, because now it has me not opening what might be legitimate e-cards, just in case. Now, when Mr. R sends me any such cards or mail with strange looking links, he sends a simultaneousl personal email saying, “I just sent you xyz.”
I’m with you on spam, Suzanne. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll kill a spammer in my book. Nope. One of my basic tenets is “make your victims human.” Spammers aren’t human and I hope they burn in you-know-where.
But what is really sad is that there must be some money in it, or they wouldn’t keep doing it. Somebody is clicking on those links and giving their bank or credit card info. Beware!
Maggie Robinson on 05 Sep 2007 at 6:34 am #
Lately I’ve been inundated with e-mail from Africa wanting me to help out some deposed dictator. Yeah, right. I’m winning money on lottery tickets I never bought, too. I never open anything from anyone I don’t know or a newsletter I haven’t asked for. We used to get more spam, but some filter must be doing its job.
Kay on 05 Sep 2007 at 6:51 am #
I just got a new e mail address, and the spammers ave not found me—–yet. LOL
A friend told me to set up an alias on my email something like kayjunk @……, and to use it for any on-line ordering. Anything coming to that address can be set up to go in the “trash” and I can check the trash daily (when little ones aren’t around) to see if I’m missing anything important. This has yet to be tested by me.
As for REAL SPAM… we went to the Minnesota State fair, and you can get deep-fried spam, spam “burgers” and other delights. I didn’t try them, but I did take pictures.
dbrown3400 on 05 Sep 2007 at 8:10 am #
I’ve set up a pretty good method for spam control. First, I get about ten overnight spams, which I group, mark as spam and delete. I no longer have interest in looking in my spam folder, which can grow to 1500 in two or three days. If someone belongs in my mailbox I add them to my Contacts file. Not only does Yahoo check for spam but McAfee checks as well. McAfee just updated their Spamkiller on my machine overnight.
If a company I unsubscribe is not off in their 72 hour window, I report them as spam. Yahoo did catch a virus once in their virus scan and they caught it before it even got to McAfee, which increased my confidence in Yahoo. I’m growing fonder of their Mail Beta, especially the short cuts and some of the other features.
We had SPAM often as kids because my mother worked and left most of the cooking to me. I cooked homemade a lot but often fell back on the grease dinner of fried Spam, Tater Tots and some sort of frozen vegetable. . .
dbrown3400 on 05 Sep 2007 at 8:13 am #
Oh, and I don’t have a penis to enlarge either, but if I ever wanted to go take a look, I don’t need anyones help to find one.*g*
Lisa H on 05 Sep 2007 at 8:30 am #
Suzanne, I love what you wrote, “If I wasn’t happy with it’s size, I’d quietly speak to my doctor.”
Exactly, if I need to enlarge my ________ I certainly would be willing to pay $99.99 and order from some mystery company over the internet. Does anyone really fall for this stuff?
Anyway, you made me laugh this morning and no I just delete my spam and hopefully I am not deleting anything important.
Also, I love Monty Python–I love that killer rabbit and the knight without appendages!
Karen Hawkins on 05 Sep 2007 at 8:45 am #
I HATE spam! Thank goodness gmail has such a great spam blocker. Whenever I order something online, too, I use an alias email I have on hotmail. I get TONS of spam there, but it’s nice to not to have to worry about spam on my ral emails.
And Suzanne, someday we need to have a Monty Pythonathon! Either that or we can meet in Vegas and watch the Broadway musical. I hear it’s fantastic!
Btw, anyone been getting spammed with that Greeting Card virus attempt?
Keri Ford on 05 Sep 2007 at 8:45 am #
Yep, it’s always enlargement advertisements, ways to make her have a big O all night long, and occasionally, ways to refinance my land loan.
I have nothing protruding from my body I’d like any bigger, I’m not so sure I’d want one orgasm that last for hours continually, and I certainly don’t own any land.
The email addy I use on my website is setup so that when you click on it, the subject line is already filled in to say: from keriford.com. then I have a filter set up to file it safely away from offers to enlarge body parts I don’t have.
I did pick up somewhere though, that one author goes through her spam filter when she can’t come up with a character name. Thought it was a good idea to put those things to use!
Nicole Jordan on 05 Sep 2007 at 9:11 am #
Spam — yech, I hate it. And what’s even worse than your spam filters not letting readers through is when their spam filters delete your replies. And then they think you don’t care enough to answer.
Lismore on 05 Sep 2007 at 9:14 am #
Luckily, my ISP and virus software has been able to catch almost everything. I don’t even get the funny ones.
It is always a good idea to run an anti spyware program. “Spyware silently tracks your surfing behaviour to create a marketing profile for you that is transmitted without your knowledge to the compilers and sold to advertising companies”. This is from the company’s website that we use.
darkshire007 on 05 Sep 2007 at 9:31 am #
Surprisingly I get very little spam and it’s usually the kind where my credit limit has been increased. Of course, I get very little email in general. To receive email implies that you know people or they (at least think) they know you. For the many years that I was active duty military, I found and kept three friends. We call, we email, we get together and go on cruises. Three; and I think that is why I get very little spam. Those of you who have extensive friend outreach get a lot of email and in turn I think that’s how spammers get in. Don’t get me wrong, keep your friends (they are very important! in life) but know that the spammers can “see” this and it makes you a target for junk mail.
SuzyQ on 05 Sep 2007 at 10:31 am #
I too have set up an alias that I use for online ordering. When I do get spam in my regular account, I just delete it and never open it. I figure if it’s something important from someone I know, I’ll hear about it sooner or later. MSN has some good filtering and I really don’t get that much in my normal account.
The thing that bothers me is the phishing schemes that get sent out from my “bank” asking me to log into my account. Every time I get one of these I forward it to the bank, even if I don’t have an account there. Hopefully they can track these guys down. One way to tell right off the bat is to put your cursor over the link without clicking. If it has an IP address (like 211.111.0000) show up as the link than it is most likely a scam.
BTW, if you need to sign up for a free account to access some web pages, try going to http://www.bugmenot.com and search for an existing account. That way, you don’t have to give out your information.
ladydawgfan on 05 Sep 2007 at 10:43 am #
Hmmm, my original post got lost on Mt. O. To repeat:
I have my e-mail address through my alma mater (perk of being an alumnus) and they recently installed a pretty strong spam killer, so I don’t get a whole lot of spam any more. However, when some does get through, all I have to do is go on to the system, give them the e-mail address, and let them know it is spam, and I will see it no more. Pretty kewl, no???!!!
BTW, that e-card virus spam managed to get through the system the first few times that it tried, so if you get one and aren’t expecting a card from someone, DON’T open it!!! Thankfully, I can preview my e-mails without actually opening them, so I have been able to dump them without opening them. Also, all e-mails coming into my computer are scanned by both my firewall and my AVG for viruses. You can never be too safe these days.
And I like real spam fried and in a sandwich between two pieces of toast with a bit of mustard (can you tell it’s getting near lunch?).
Claudia Dain on 05 Sep 2007 at 10:59 am #
Ever since I switched to an Apple computer, my spam has gone way down. I have no idea why, but I’m inclined to give Apple the credit!
I hate spam. But the thing that gets me is: does anything good ever come of spam? I mean, why send it? Does ANYONE buy anything from a spam? Why don’t they just give up and stop the spamming?
Suzanne Enoch on 05 Sep 2007 at 11:01 am #
Yes, I got a ton of those e-card spams. Like KarenR, I do occasionally receive a legit one. Luckily, and as I mentioned before, spammers are stupid, and I had 17 of them in my in box. With that many, I knew they couldn’t be anything but spam — hopefully.
Since I regularly get email from “strangers”, ie readers, I have to be careful about the spam filters. At this point I’m just having to put up with a lot of nonsense in order to be sure I receive the legit emails. Sigh.
twolilhahas on 05 Sep 2007 at 11:58 am #
You guys, and by guys I mean you fabulous authors receiving email from strangers, should put a code word on your website that readers have to put in the subject line. That way if you see…subject: I love your new book, CHEESE. You know it’s legit! lol What? Why are you rolling your eyes? It could work. hehe
colinfirthfan on 05 Sep 2007 at 12:27 pm #
Most of my spam goes straight to my bulk folder which I never check. I periodically just empty/delete it.
What I hate is when I get emails from Amazon and ebay saying - go change your password. I have to check the link carefully. Normally I just log in to the website (not through my email) and see if there is any message in my inbox there. Then I try to forward the email to ebay/amazon - which rarely works…
Except once it has always been phishing emails.
I did get about 300 or more spam emails from someone many years ago. I forwarded it to their ISP and complained. Didn’t receive another one!!
Suzanne Enoch on 05 Sep 2007 at 12:56 pm #
What’s more annoying to you — spam, or junk snail mail? Last year for Christmas I ordered a pair of earrings for my sister, and now I get “Nature’s Jewelry,” “Southwest Jewelry”, and about four other catalogs on a monthly basis. My ears aren’t even pierced! (I have enough holes in my head.)
colinfirthfan on 05 Sep 2007 at 12:57 pm #
I don’t minds the catalogs too much. I just recycle immediately. I think the spam bugs me more than the snail mail junk.
colinfirthfan on 05 Sep 2007 at 12:58 pm #
I hate the snail mail credit card and mortgage applications that come though. Those have to be torn before they can be junked. Bugs me no end.
DebMarlowe on 05 Sep 2007 at 1:05 pm #
Oh, Suzanne! I’m so with you on the catalog beef–even worse than spam at my house. One year I was on bedrest at Christmas time and did a ton of holiday shopping through catalogs. I swear, they sold my name and address to everyone on the planet. I get ‘em all! I have a huge recycle bin right next to my garage entrance. Most of them never even make it into the house.
Sabrina Jeffries on 05 Sep 2007 at 1:37 pm #
A friend of mine told me about a guy at her office bringing spam as a “special dish” to a holiday party. She said he garnished it and served it up fancy and everything.
To be honest, I’ve eaten some spam in my day, mostly when I was growing up overseas.
As for the other kind, pfttt. I vacillate between just deleting it and blocking the domains (although a couple of times I accidentally blocked domains of people I know). I don’t use an actual filter where people have to be white-listed, only because of fans. But I honestly don’t get that much spam anymore, thank God.
I HAVE gotten the occasional virus sent to me, but since I never open attachments or click on links without being absolutely certain what they are, I’ve never been infected. Those greeting card ones annoy me, though, because I do get greeting cards from readers and friends. So I have to be very careful with those.
Freshechelle on 05 Sep 2007 at 1:40 pm #
Man, I’m missing all the good spam!!! There’s a swell address you can write a simple note to to end the snail mail junk mail. Sorry, I can’t find it now. It made all those catalogs and credit card offers disappear.
As for spam, I’m lucky to have great antivirus protection ‘coz I don’t get much. I’ve gotten a few recently from French dudes but they only show up on my Blackberry, not my desktop. I don’t need to enlarge any parts (especially ones I don’t have) in French or English. Though I would like to send my life savings to a dethroned African royal, so please forward that one to me. If a fully loaded Metrocard and some frequent flyers miles can restore him to power, I’m ready to share.
Off topic note to Zambi…one month till hockey season! Enjoy the banner raising at the Duck Pond.
twolilhahas on 05 Sep 2007 at 2:39 pm #
Snail mail spam is worse than email junk. One little click removes the spam from my life…whereas junk snail mail litters my car, and then I have to remember to take it inside and throw it away. Really annoying when you always have your hands full with kids and stuff.
Claudia Dain on 05 Sep 2007 at 2:48 pm #
Speaking of catalogs, I don’t know how it happened, but I got sent a catalog for Museum Replicas and it’s all armor and shields and swords and stuff. Heaven!!!! Some catalog/junk mail is cool. *G*
darkshire007 on 05 Sep 2007 at 2:55 pm #
Like Freshechelle said, there is an address you can write to and have the junk snail mail stopped. I think it’s only good for 5 years though; you would have to remember to renew it. If I can find it, I’ll forward it on.
Suzanne Enoch on 05 Sep 2007 at 3:17 pm #
Claudia, I get that catalog! I wish the guys wielding the weaponry didn’t look like they still live in their mom’s basement. *g*
And some catalog junk mail is cool — I think that’s the difference with spam. If I decide to take a look at it, they aren’t automatically going to bomb me with 189 other pieces of junk mail. That’s only if I buy something from them. Ahem.
Karen Hawkins on 05 Sep 2007 at 3:21 pm #
I got that one, too! I was thinking maybe my brother had sent in my name by ordering me something cool from it for Xmas, but now it looks as if RWA sold their membership list. Darn it! I was hoping he’d bought a suit of armor for my living room!
Freshechelle on 05 Sep 2007 at 4:06 pm #
Really off topic but the latest twist of this blog reminds me of a French-speaking colleague who left our company to start one of those museum replica companies. When he’d call from Paris and ask me to put me on hold, he’d say “please hold me”. Good thing hit the hold button so quickly he never heard me burst out laughing everytime he did this. I think I did a “spit take” the first time he said this to me.
Claudia Dain on 05 Sep 2007 at 5:43 pm #
I can see I’m among friends so I can admit it: I want a suit of armor for my living room.
Suzanne Enoch on 05 Sep 2007 at 6:04 pm #
Claudia, I would also like a suit of armor. I just want Clive Owen to be in it.
Sabrina Jeffries on 05 Sep 2007 at 7:17 pm #
I want one of those fancy swords. Lord only knows what I’d do with it, but they just seem so cool.
Ellen (Back from Maine) on 05 Sep 2007 at 8:24 pm #
When you grow up in a family with two parents, a grandma, seven kids, one German Sheppard and a surly cat, Spam is actually considered a food group. Sure Mom would make a tolerable glaze out of ketchup and brown sugar, but I never got over the sensation that I was eating Alpo.
As far as the other kind of Spam, I hate it. One time in my office I was hitting the NEXT button to view my mailbox during a meeting. Next thing I know, I have a bunch of naked girls on my computer under the caption “Teen Goddesses.” I kid you not! I wonder if those girls have grown up and now frequent this blog with us? Come on girls, come clean. Sabrina?
Anyway, I tried to delete the screen and another one popped up. This was, of course, The Asian Fantasy Site…. Followed by Angry Lesbians, Horny PTA Moms, Farm Animals, Fetish Fantasies and the always popular Neighborhood Grannies. I was in a complete panic until I finally got through about 15 of those Pop Up Sites.
I have since never scrolled my mail in a meeting.
And…I can never look at my neighbor, old Mrs. Duelk, the same way.
twolilhahas on 06 Sep 2007 at 12:44 am #
OMG Ellen, that had to be horrifying. I’d have panicked too. I hope none of the sites blasted sound to the room.
FreshEChelle on 06 Sep 2007 at 6:32 am #
Goddesses, guess I should report that every time I visit this site, my spy sweeper quarantines a bit of spyware called “tacoda cookie”. I’m no techie but thought you’d want to know this.