Advice Column for Lovers: Heroines
Aug 16th 2007
Nicole JordanOn Writing!
When a friend sent me a copy of a 1955 article in 
Housekeeping Monthly, entitled “The Good Wife’s Guide,” I laughed and winced at the same time. The article offered 18 points of sage wisdom for a woman to use with/on/around her husband.
Some of the most egregious:
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him… but remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
- Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense satisfaction.
- Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
- A good wife always knows her place.
Sheesh. Can you believe such malarkey?
I can’t imagine having to kowtow to my dh that way. Our relationship is fairly equal, with a lot of give-and-take. But for many women in the generations before me, following this submissive Housekeeping Monthly wisdom is how they were raised.
In fact, I remember when I was younger, my good Southern Belle mother telling me that boys/men liked “clinging vines” so they could feel powerful and protective. Maybe I’m a rebel or have too many feminist 
tendencies, but I sure don’t want to have to act like ivy to appeal to a man!
However, the article got me to thinking about heroines in romance novels. Whether it’s a contemporary or historical setting, we readers like to project our own modern-day sensibilities onto our characters – and those sensibilities have changed significantly over the decades. Nowadays there are certain characteristics we find appealing in heroes and heroines and ones we find big turnoffs.
I’ll do heroes later, but for now let’s focus on heroines. So pretend you’re Ann Landers or Emily Post – or better yet, a counselor at Match.com – and help me write an advice column called “The Good Heroine’s Guide.” (And a warning: Your advice to lovers may end up in one of my books someday!)
List some key DO’s and DON’T’s for a romance heroine in the books you like to read. What advice would you give her about appealing to her hero? What would you advise her not to do to keep from being unappealing or downright off-putting? Do you think she should prepare and light a fire for him and never question his judgement?
34 Comments »
34 Responses to “Advice Column for Lovers: Heroines”
MJ on 17 Aug 2007 at 1:31 am #
Gosh no. She should light a fire IN him….and certainly once he’s fallen for her, that part of his judgement isn’t in question….but everything is up for debate to that point.
Appealing to him? Um. Seriously? Captivate him with a good sense of humour, quick wit, calm intelligence and strong character. And show a bit of ankle every now and again. (-; (Historical, of course - these days it’d be a whole lot more - how you ‘tantalize’ these days when it seems everything is one full display is beyond me…) And despite all your frightening capability, show a bit of vulnerability and need him for something now and again.
Be yourself.
Unappealing? Nag. Bitch. Be a nasty gossip. Be petty, whine or be too emotionally unstable. Hysterics drive most decent men out of a room in a New York minute. Refuse to look him in the eye during conversations. Be unresponsive to his very best kiss, be indifferent to him.
Or reject him in a way that is totally embarassing.
Stacy ~ on 17 Aug 2007 at 5:52 am #
Do’s:
- Let your intelligence show.
- Prove you have a fun, wicked, dry, and/or sarcastic sense of humor
- Do your own thing. Have interests and hobbies that don’t involve him.
- Be sexy, but not in a silly way. Do it your way - be assertive and inventive.
- Be fearless. Be assertive. Be different and set yourself apart from all those other women
Don’ts:
-Don’t pretend to be stupid just to boost his ego. If he’s that insecure, you don’t need him.
- Don’t drop everything to be with him. You have a life too.
- Don’t be a jealous stalker. If you can’t trust him, dump him, but don’t hide in his closet and go through his wallet.
- Don’t change your looks to please him. If 4 inch heels and mini skirts aren’t your thing, don’t go out and buy out the store of these items.
-Don’t be someone you’re not. The goal here is not to be unhappy, and being someone else just to please him isn’t going to make you happy.
-Don’t agree with everything he says just so he will like you
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 7:26 am #
- Becomes an equal partner without losing her own identity.
- Mainstains her original appeal while maturing into the relationship.
- Keeps him guessing.
- Helps the relationship evolve and not remain static.
- When the shower head blows a gasket and water is shooting everywhere, a good herione knows what parts to send the hero immediately to Home Depot for without making him feel like an idiot.
- Always have an open line of communication. Show an interest in him and his activities but make sure he knows about yours as well. Do things together but make time away from the relationship.
Cont. . .
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 7:39 am #
- Stays sexy, witty, shows her smarts, whatever fits her style, but always stays one step ahead.
The negatives.
- Don’t nag.
- Don’t be overbearing, petty, embarrass him, either in public or private. Men have bigger egos than, well . . .
As Stacy and MJ and a song lyric said, “Don’t change a hair for me”. (I never know where to put that stupid period.)
There’s more, but I don’t want to take up three spaces. *g*
Donna
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 7:45 am #
Sorry Stacy and MJ, It should have read, “Don’t change a hair for me,” just because I think you want me to. Is that better?
db
And I went into three spaces anyway.
freshechelle on 17 Aug 2007 at 7:47 am #
Don’t tell him or anyone else how smart or independent she is. These things are like having class, if you to tell people you have it, you don’t.
cail on 17 Aug 2007 at 7:54 am #
i think everyone has already hit the key points. don’t nag, be mysterious and interesting
Nicole Jordan on 17 Aug 2007 at 8:53 am #
LOL! These are great. I especially love
“She should light a fire IN him….”
“If you can’t trust him, dump him, but don’t hide in his closet and go through his wallet”
“Send the hero immediately to Home Depot for without making him feel like an idiot.”
And I love that Billy Joel song, too. Only, if you analyze the words, in one verse he says “I don’t mind if you’re stoopid, I just want you to listen to me.” Sort of a backhanded way of saying I want you to be who you are, which is a lovely trait in a hero — and a heroine, too.
NicoleJ
Julia London on 17 Aug 2007 at 9:03 am #
I agree with Cail — I’ve never known a man who could tolerate nagging. I can’t either, for that matter. But I have been known to do it.
No nagging.
But I think the most appealing thing a heroine can do is be her own person. Not his, hers. That doesn’t mean she is necessarily strong and invincible, but she has a sense of self and a sense of her faults. She is not a doormat.
Lisa H on 17 Aug 2007 at 9:10 am #
I would tell the heroine to try to find creative ways to show him she loves him. Give of herself fully and always communicate in love (not nagging)
She must also have high standards for her expectations, not accepting bullying, emotional abuse or blackmail, or manipulation. He needs to respect her fully as she respects him.
I also think having as much sex as possible is very good for the relationship. It is a special bond of intimacy that strengthens the marraige.
Lastly, I feel the heroine should let the hero know she expects him to be an active parent to their offspring before she lets him sink his seed in her!
Nicole Jordan on 17 Aug 2007 at 9:23 am #
LisaH
>>>I would tell the heroine to try to find creative ways to show him she loves him.
Oh, this is lovely. I tend to forget this one with my dh, and then I’m always surprised if he feels insecure in my love.
As for sex, supposedly a man feels most intimate the 30 seconds after climax. So that’s the opportune time to build intimacy, lol.
Julia
>>>That doesn’t mean she is necessarily strong and invincible, but she has a sense of self and a sense of her faults.
Love this too!
freshechelle
>>>Don’t tell him or anyone else how smart or independent she is. These things are like having class, if you to tell people you have it, you don’t.
So true!
Nicole Jordan on 17 Aug 2007 at 9:24 am #
cail
>>i think everyone has already hit the key points. don’t nag, be mysterious and interesting
Great advice, Cail!
So I have a question. These are all wonderful attributes in a heroine and just the kind of woman I want to read about in romance fiction. But how much do we follow this advice in real life?
The nagging thing is something I try really hard not to do. But as for being witty and interesting, that’s a lot harder, lol.
NicoleJ
ladydawgfan on 17 Aug 2007 at 9:50 am #
I can’t contribute to this discussion since I have neither a husband nor a significant other. *deep heartfelt sigh*
Does anyone have any advice for the lonely-hearted Heroine who is tired of being the designated “purse watcher” when out with friends, and can’t seem to find her hero?
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 9:55 am #
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE
Don’t go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
I don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are
Don’t go trying some new fashion
Don’t change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you and that’s forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 10:09 am #
Billy Joel, again. I had to do this backwards because of our word limits but since we’re quoting him already, this song answers some of our question today.
About Home Depot, he brought back the correct parts, I fixed the shower and nothing else was ever said (I think).
My bf and I don’t fight or nag each other. We seem to make suggestions then decide together. I probably “suggest” more than he does but only in the nicest way, I’m sure. I make him laugh and we stay interested in other ways as well. He’s easy going so he might have opinions about me that I’ve never heard. One day he might just explode. Eeeek!
db
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 10:11 am #
Oh, the Home Depot was my ex. My bf wouldn’t have stood there with a shocked look on his face. He would have KNOWN to turn off the water.
db
Audrey on 17 Aug 2007 at 10:13 am #
I remember when that e-mail went around. My daughters thought it was a joke. That kind of advice is so far out of their world they didn’t think it was real. I assured them that yes, indeed, that was the sort of thing women used to be told, and to keep that in mind when they are wondering what their grandmothers are thinking!
I don’t have many dislikes or hot buttons when it comes to books, because I’ve read ones where the writer has taken some pretty unappealing characteristics and redeemed the character so beautifully. Except this one. Don’t be a “spitfire”. I just cringe when I read that word in a blurb. Not that it hasn’t been occasionally done well, but usually this just means they toss their hair and stomp off every time the hero opens his mouth. And then cave over everything.
Fortunately, I don’t think most of us do this in real life.
zambonigirl (zambi) on 17 Aug 2007 at 10:40 am #
I think that insecurity is definitely a huge turn-off for both men and women. I want to love Caroline Bingley, I really do. She starts out so strong and sarcastic, but it soon becomes apparent that her sarcasm is built from insecurity, and she becomes desperate for Mr. Darcy’s love and attention and ends up making a fool out of herself.
As for everything else, someone’s already said it! Don’t nag, don’t gossip, don’t act silly.
here’s one that I dont’ think has been mentioned: don’t ignore your girlfriends and family in favor of your hero! What good is having a huge wedding if none of your friends want to be there?
Tina Martinesi on 17 Aug 2007 at 10:53 am #
I think a good heroine doesn’t try to be something she’s not. The best way to please your man is by pleasing yourself….lol I’m not talking sexually I just think if you could be happy with who you are he will be too! And a big no-no in my book is jealousy…I know its hard we are only human but I just feel that there is no room in a relationship for jealousy.
Nicole Jordan on 17 Aug 2007 at 11:05 am #
That is too funny about the shower head, Donna!
>>>
I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
And it’s that first line that’s always bugged me, since I DO want clever conversation. But I think I misjudged the lyric, since that second line sort of puts the blame on him, not her. He’s not really telling her it’s ok if she’s not very bright…. which is how I’ve always heard the song. Thanks for clearing that up for me!
By the way, where do you get the lyrics to certain songs? Did you have this album or did you find it on-line somewhere?
Nicole Jordan on 17 Aug 2007 at 11:13 am #
Audrey
>>>I remember when that e-mail went around. My daughters thought it was a joke. That kind of advice is so far out of their world they didn’t think it was real.
Thank heavens our expectations of women have changed so much that your daughters think this is alien!
>>>What good is having a huge wedding if none of your friends want to be there?
That’s a great one, Zambi.
>>>I know its hard we are only human but I just feel that there is no room in a relationship for jealousy.
Good point, Tina. Which makes a heroine superhuman if she can take this advice, lol.
And Ladydf, you’re always so wonderful on-line, it makes be believe you just haven’t had the luck that some of us have. There were several moments/ decisions/ circumstances in my life that changed the entire direction of my life. I always wonder what path I would have taken had they not unfolded that way. I know my dh and I wouldn’t be together now. But I think the stars just haven’t lined up for you yet.
NicoleJ
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 12:38 pm #
Nicole - it varies on the lyrics. I usually google the artist’s name and test one of the resulting sites. This one gave me all lyrics to Billy Joel’s songs.
http://www.mattsmusicpage.com/billyric.htm
Gotta go to work now but would rather stay here. This is much more fun.
db
Claudia Dain on 17 Aug 2007 at 2:27 pm #
Remember me? Freak of Nature?
Well, I come from a family of strong women and they would have howled in malicious laughter over that little magazine homily. In fact, I remember vividly my mother telling me NOT to be a clinging vine as a man got pretty darn tired having to hold a woman up for the rest of his life. Just for the record: my g-mom was born in 1896 and my mom in 1926. I’ve often wondered just who that magazine was for because the women in my family certainly weren’t buying it.
I’ll add one to the list of Heroine Don’t-s and that’s don’t be argumentative. There’s just nothing more annoying than a person who just loves to stir things up, to be discontented just for the entertainment value of it. I’ve known lots of women like this. Not fun.
twolilhahas on 17 Aug 2007 at 3:15 pm #
You know, I have to go with those that are saying that old cliché, “Be Yourself.” If you have to try to change to get someone, that just sucks. Because then you’re stuck either always acting or finally letting go and things don’t always go so well when that happens. For example, it was my big mistake to accept my boyfriend’s drinking way too much…and then marrying him. lol It just doesn’t work when you’re living with someone…and then having kids with them…you eventually HAVE to be yourself. Might as well start out that way. We’re divorced because I hated living with an alcoholic and he hated living with a teetolater.
Freshechelle on 17 Aug 2007 at 3:34 pm #
Claudia - so well put about being argumentative just because you can. Those who do this are really tedious to be around. Not me, no sirree. I’m always a delight to be around…. that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Hey, I’m really learning to like the anonimity of blogging.
twolilhahas on 17 Aug 2007 at 4:14 pm #
ROFL Just re-read my comment. That should read, “We’re divorced now because I hated living with an alcoholic and he hated living with a teetotaler.” Not sure what a teetolater is, but it sounds funny.
Nicole Jordan on 17 Aug 2007 at 4:35 pm #
Thanks for the lyric link, Donna! Very cool. And I hear you about this being a lot more fun *G*.
Claudia, your family sounds heavenly. I hope you guys all get along, being so strong and all.
>>>Not me, no sirree. I’m always a delight to be around…. that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Hey, I’m really learning to like the anonimity of blogging.
LOL, Fresh! I know I’m not a delight to be around sometimes. Just ask my dh. And the resident goddesses don’t get to be anonymous either. But it’s a delight to have you here.
That spelling went right by me, Two. I’m a lousy speller, and even worse at proofing my own work. But now that you mention it, that spelling is very funny.
AndreaW on 17 Aug 2007 at 5:11 pm #
She must have patience….because dealing with a hard-headed, tortured hero takes lots and lots of patience.
Claudia Dain on 17 Aug 2007 at 7:06 pm #
Of course we all get along, Nicole! We’re just not argumentative.
dbrown3400 on 17 Aug 2007 at 9:20 pm #
Nicole, you can also find lyrics to a song you’ve forgotten the words to just by googling the line you remember. I found old Girl Scout songs we sang around the campfire that way.
Sorry, this kinda seems as though I’m hoggin’ the bloggin’ but I suddenly found a lot to say.
db
Sabrina Jeffries on 17 Aug 2007 at 10:02 pm #
Zambi, I love the one about the girlfriends. There’s nothing more unattractive than a woman who dumps her girlfriends whenever a cute guy comes around.
It’s funny–my mom was kind of schizophrenic. On the one hand, she was always telling me to let the man win and try not to seem so smart if I wanted to get a man (she was born in the ’30’s). On the other hand, she was one strong woman, so I pretty much ignored her advice and followed her example instead.
Karen Hawkins on 18 Aug 2007 at 12:06 am #
Claudia, my fam is the same — all strong and we have great debates, but we’re adults and don’t engage in stupid arguments. Now, I looove a good debate, which is probably why I’m with a guy who is from the opposite political party from mine.
I agree with Zaboni, too. Insecurity is a huge turn off. I love a heroine (and a friend) who knows who they are and why. A lot of sin is committed under the heading of “He/she made me FEEL good about myself.” That’s MY job — to behave in a way, engage in behaviors (learning things, accomplishing goals, etc), so that I feel good about myself. You can’t get that from other people, not in a way it will last.
And Sabrina, I like what you said — ignored your mom’s advice and followed her example. That’s CLASSIC! She was probably repeating what she was told, yet couldn’t bring herself to do (thank goodness!)
darkshire007 on 18 Aug 2007 at 10:15 am #
Do’s; be comfortable with yourself (laugh funny, don’t have the “ideal” figure), let you intelligence show. Don’t’s (is that a word?); be pushy or demanding (there is such a thing as the middle ground), use tears to get your way (that’s just degrading to women in general). Advice for appealing to the hero; do your research. Casually ask friends about him to get a general idea of his likes and dislikes. This is all within reason…don’t change who you are to meet some mans expectations!. Things not to do; aggressively approach him with dinner plans (without really knowing him or if he already had prior plans!), draping yourself on him upon first introductions (this screams sl*t). As for lighting a fire and not questioning judgement…only if this is a bedroom scene. I like a man in charge! LOL!!
Nicole Jordan on 19 Aug 2007 at 11:40 am #
Lovely stories about your moms, Sabrina and Karen!
And Dark… loved your do’s and don’t’s, especially the qualification about the bedroom scene, lol.