Resistance is FU-TILE
Aug 10th 2007
Nicole JordanMy Life As A Plebe
For you non-Star Trek fans, “Resistance is futile” is the warning the evil Borg give just before they assimilate their victims into the Borg Collective.
I felt like a Borg victim last week, since I had an obligation I couldn’t refuse.
I’m usually pretty good about saying “NO” to things I don’t have the time or inclination for, but in this instance my friend twisted my arm. I mean, really yanked. And admittedly I owed her a favor. So even though I strongly resisted at first, I eventually felt guilty enough that I had to agree to her request of me.
We women often tend to have a hard time saying NO. Why is that? Because we’re instinctive nurturers? Because we’re responsible for the well-being of others such as our family and pets? Because we’ve been taught to always make time for everyone but ourselves? Because we like doing things for other people? Because 
we guilt ourselves into agreeing? Because our arms are so weak, they’re easily twisted?
Are you a pushover when it comes to taking on obligations you wish you could refuse? Is it part of your makeup to be generous? Are you just naturally a wimp like some of us? Do your friends and family take advantage of you? Or… are you more like the Borg in that YOU usually do the arm-twisting?
27 Comments »
27 Responses to “Resistance is FU-TILE”
twolilhahas on 11 Aug 2007 at 1:13 am #
I’m a definite pushover. I have the hardest time in the world saying “NO” to anyone…unless it’s something I shouldn’t do. I cannot stand the idea of hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them. I’m a big wimp. I’m also a very timid, shy person. So, I’m terrified of big crowds, people I don’t know, driving on crowded roads, trying new things, etc. One place I draw the line, though, is babysitting. I’m so scared of babysitting and messing up, I can say NO without feeling terrible. My friends and family do not take advantage of me. I have nothing to offer as of yet, so that’s not been an issue. LOL The only thing I could really offer is babysitting services, and I don’t do that anymore…so, I’m good in that department.
Tracy Kay on 11 Aug 2007 at 2:27 am #
I can’t say no to my friends. Even when they make me really angry and I feel like they’re taking advantage of me, I still end up feeling bad for even THINKING of saying, “no!”. It’s good to know that there’s other people out there who are kind of pushovers like me. *sigh of relief*.
I’ll tell you what, though; as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to stand my ground a little better than I used to, and I hope that someday I’ll be able to make more decisions based on what I want instead of how guilty I’ll feel if I decline a “terribly important” favor. :o)
Judy F on 11 Aug 2007 at 8:22 am #
I tend to be a pushover though I am getting better at saying NO. I can get talked into things I don’t want to do but lately I have been putting my foot down. Hopefully that will start happening more often.
FreshEChelle on 11 Aug 2007 at 8:36 am #
I must humbly admit I’m the BORG, not like the BORG. But I try to do it with a sales pitch that would impress Mr. Haney (you know, from Green Acres.)
darkshire007 on 11 Aug 2007 at 8:41 am #
I am not a pushover; I think I would be the LAST person that anyone would ask to do anything! I tend to be very standoffish (is that a word?) so I don’t have many friends and the one’s I do have tend to have the same thought processes. We normally vote on something to do or not do; no one is ever obligated to participate and we would just catch up with them another time. I figure that life is short, if someone doesn’t want to do something then it is their loss. Besides, what kind of friend guilt trips another into doing something?
Nicole Jordan on 11 Aug 2007 at 9:26 am #
Two and TK, I think that must mean you are very nice people! And I hear you about the babysitting. Dog sitting or cat sitting I’ll do, but the need would have to be really dire before my arm could be twisted that hard, lol.
Judy, I wonder what’s changed so that you’re more inclined to put your foot down? What’s your secret?
Fresh, I loved your Sales Pitch comment! I have friends who are in sales, so I could picture just what you do.
>>>I figure that life is short
Dark, that’s an excellent philosophy. And it’s become even more so as I get older.
I usually tell people I just don’t have the time, and since they know it’s really true, they don’t ask me much. But sometimes I just can’t say no, like the potato chip commercial… or is that the anti-drug campaign slogan?
NicoleJ
DebMarlowe on 11 Aug 2007 at 9:30 am #
I’m *horrible* at saying no–there are just so many things out there that need to be done!
But I have to say that deadlines have given me an automatic backbone! No! Can’t chaperone that field trip. No! Can’t write the team newsletter for gymnastics.
Unfortunately, they’ve also taken up my fun time too lately. So No–haven’t seen Becoming Jane, read anything, kept up with TV or been on a date with my dh lately either. Sigh.
Claudia Dain on 11 Aug 2007 at 9:53 am #
I don’t have any problem saying no; never have. As a teen, I didn’t know the meaning of the phrase “peer pressure.”
I realized long ago that I’m an aberration!
I don’t want anyone doing anything for me that they truly don’t want to do and I figure the same is true for them. Would a friend *really* want to guilt me into a ‘yes’ when I should say ‘no’?
Yeah, I know. A freak of nature!
Suzanne Enoch on 11 Aug 2007 at 9:58 am #
I’ve been assimilated so many times it’s not even funny. *g* I have used the “deadline” excuse successfully, but I know I should have used it more often (why is it easier to work for 16 hours than to say no to dinner?)
Lisa H on 11 Aug 2007 at 9:59 am #
I truly want to say yes to many things that are happening around me, especially when the church needs VBS workers or a meal for someone, but with a two year old, a fourteen year old and an 11 year old, a husband who is working all the time and studying for his MBA the rest of the time, there is little time to help out as I wish I could.
I try not to make myself feel bad about it, I know this is a very busy season in my life, and someday, the children will be grown, my husband will work less and I can help others at that time.
I have had to learn to really prioritize everything, and do those things that fall at the top of the list first!
For those of you who can’t say no, I would encourage you by saying I am sure those you help really appreciate it. They are lucky to have you in their lives, and for those who are good at saying no, it sounds like you are strong in your convictions, and that is admirable too!
Karen Hawkins on 11 Aug 2007 at 10:11 am #
Nicole, what a GREAT topic! (Btw, looooove the new pics, too!)
I’ve learned to say “no” over the last few years, but I have to say, I had HUGE training that it was bad to say ‘no’ to a request, especially from a family member or friend. I don’t think I’ve heard my mother say it even once in my life. I wish I’d realized that about her when I was a teenager although … perhaps it’s a good thing I didn’t! Now, i cringe when I hear people ask her things; she ends up doing them whether she has the time or funds or ability or not.
Me, I am much better about saying what I think now, but it is a learned skill, one that gets easier over time.
Claudia, you’re healthy, not a freak of nature! We should all be more like you!
Sabrina Jeffries on 11 Aug 2007 at 10:16 am #
I’m learning to say no. I have to. If I did everything I got asked to do, I’d never write a book! But it’s hard for me. Maybe it’s the missionary parents thing or it’s a perverse kind of control-freakedness that says I should do it to make sure it’s done right (I’m working on that) or maybe even it’s just my social nature, but I end up signing up for things I shouldn’t. I’m trying to learn to pace myself. Fortunately, my husband the curmudgeon is good at saying, “Do you really WANT to do it? Is it something that you’ll enjoy?” He’s all about the enjoyment.
Judy F on 11 Aug 2007 at 10:25 am #
Its not easy saying no and I still feel quilty when I do. I think there are so many things that I had planned that I didn’t do cause I did something someone else wanted me to do. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older and realizing life is short.
FreshEChelle on 11 Aug 2007 at 10:26 am #
Claudia - you said it! I was the same as a teen. At a recent high school reunion, former classmates made me feel so good by saying this wish they had been more comfortable being independent in their choices back then. I was and still am lucky to have friends who are like-minded. Darkshire - life absolutely is very short. As long as you do no harm, do what makes you happy. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish.
Julia London on 11 Aug 2007 at 11:07 am #
Nicole! Your new pics are stunning! Youza!
I am definitely one of those women who has that deep-seated need to try and make everyone happy. It drives me nuts. Even when I am aware of it, I find it hard to say no. But I am getting better. I started by saying no to my MIL. HA! Talk about liberation!
Judy F on 11 Aug 2007 at 11:20 am #
Julia I swear we are twins. I was the same way with my sister. I would babysit her kids anytime she asked whether I had plans or not. The first time I said no to her you would have thought I killed someone. It has gotten easier but like you I want everyone happy.
Julia London on 11 Aug 2007 at 12:12 pm #
Its a curse, Judy!
gannon on 11 Aug 2007 at 12:58 pm #
I’m better than I used to be about saying “no”, but I still sometimes find myself agreeing to do things that I’d rather not. It’s that “people pleaser” gene!
Santa on 11 Aug 2007 at 1:06 pm #
I used to be a pushover. I do still have a lot of obligations in my life but when an new one comes along, I think long and hard before I give an answer. I am also learning to be a bit of a Borg because I am now in the position of having to have other people take care of certain details. It’s also a matter of trust for me. Can I trust someone else to do something I know I can ake care of if I have 30 hours in a day and three more arms? It’s a challenge to say the least.
Kay on 11 Aug 2007 at 5:48 pm #
I used to say yes too often. A couple of years ago, when both of my kids were sick with mono, I stopped EVERYTHING extra. I have picked up a few things since then, but they are only things that have an end-date. I don’t mind helping with something for a few hours, but I try not to take on major projects. My family is much happier, and so am I.
Nicole Jordan on 11 Aug 2007 at 6:20 pm #
DebM, that is such a great reason to be able to say no… but it’s so true about the fun part.
Nope, Claudia, you’re not an abberatation, lol. It would be so great if more kids were like you in terms of being able to resist peer pressure.
Lisa H
>>>For those of you who can’t say no, I would encourage you by saying I am sure those you help really appreciate it. They are lucky to have you in their lives, and for those who are good at saying no, it sounds like you are strong in your convictions, and that is admirable too!
Lisa, this so beautifully put! Were you a middle child? You could be a diplomat!
Nicole Jordan on 11 Aug 2007 at 6:25 pm #
Santa >>>> Can I trust someone else to do something I know I can ake care of if I have 30 hours in a day and three more arms? It’s a challenge to say the least.
That is so true in my case. I’m so anal I want everything done just the way I want it… so therefore I don’t ask too many people to do things for me, which also means I don’t have to things back since I don’t owe them..
Sabrina, I’ll bet having missionary parents was both a burden and a blessing. I can see how it would have shaped your life.
And Gannon, I think a lot of women are born with the “People Pleaser gene” and the “Play nice and get along” gene.
Nicole Jordan on 11 Aug 2007 at 6:33 pm #
Julia, I think that’s wonderful that you could resist your m-i-l. That’s definintely the first step to freedom. And for Judy with her sister.
KarenH, I definitely think it’s a learned skill for a lot of us.
Kay-
>>>I used to say yes too often. A couple of years ago, when both of my kids were sick with mono, I stopped EVERYTHING extra. I have picked up a few things since then, but they are only things that have an end-date.
Oh, I sooo agree. There is nothing like a life crisis to focus your priorities. And it sure helps you in the guilt department.
Suzanne, I thought of you first when I wrote this blog… you being the resident Star Trek expert and all. And I know you do a lot with/for your family. Maybe you need a bit more Borg gene.
And thanks for the pic compliments, goddesses. The photographer was amazing.
NicoleJ
Lisa H on 11 Aug 2007 at 6:39 pm #
Nicole,
No, I am the oldest child, but I have been in both places and can truly see both sides. (I usually am very black and white minded!)
Thank you for the compliment.
catslady on 12 Aug 2007 at 11:10 pm #
All I can say is that age helps some. I’ve found that the older I get, the more I’m willing to say no but only to a few things lol.
Nicole Jordan on 13 Aug 2007 at 9:18 am #
catslady
>>>>All I can say is that age helps some. I’ve found that the older I get, the more I’m willing to say no but only to a few things lol.
Yep, you said it Cl! Maybe cause as we get older, we have more experience to determine our priorities. And one of those priorities is ourselves.
Lismore on 13 Aug 2007 at 11:11 am #
Great post! I sometimes feel like a bobblehead doll, because I end up just nodding yes instead of saying no.
I am getting better at drawing the line though too, as I get older.