Don’t forget that guest blogger Laura Lee Guhrke will join the goddesses on the Mount on Friday, March 2!

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I’ve always liked cop shows. Starsky and Hutch, S.W.A.T., Adam-12, Hill Street Blues, Reno 911! Oh, and COPS. From that show I learned that your odds of not being arrested are better if you’re wearing a shirt and your butt crack doesn’t show.

I even have my own near-miss adventure. A couple of weeks ago, my sister came to my house for dinner as she does every Wednesday. This used to be “Buffy” night, and we still call it that even though we now sit down for an evening of Bones and Ghosthunters.

Anyway, on this particular night neither of those shows was on, so we popped in my DVD of Serenity (yes, I’m a Joss Whedon whore). About halfway through the movie we both realized that the alarm sounds weren’t coming from the Reavers, but were in fact police cars and a helicopter outside. And they weren’t going anywhere.

I went upstairs to look out my back window. About a dozen police cars were parked or roaming the street of the cul-de-sac behind me, and a helicopter with spotlight on hovered overhead. I’ll tell you, when those things shine in your eyes, you know it. Yipes. I ran downstairs and made sure all of my doors and windows were locked, then called my brother-in-law. He’s a sergeant with a neighboring city’s PD, and made a phone call for me.

Apparently three gang members had carjacked a car in Riverside, CA, and driven it fourteen miles to abandon it sixty feet from my house. The police had the car, but not the three guys. I told my brother-in-law to inform the police that the three houses opposite mine were still under construction and had unlocked doors.

Twenty minutes later they’d found two of the guys in two of those houses, and we got to watch the cops (through the windows, in the dark), marching them out amid bristling weapons and growling police dogs. Then the search began for the third guy.

My sister: “Suzie, it’s getting late, and I have to get up at five o’clock.”

Me: “You’re not leaving my house while there’s a carjacker in the neighborhood.”

My sister: “At least pop some popcorn, then.”

Me: “I’m not doing anything that makes a loud popping sound. We’ll have pudding.”

I don’t think she could have left, anyway, since police cars blocked every exit to my neighborhood. People who were just getting home were forced to wait in the nearby Ralph’s parking lot.

They finally found the guy, hiding in somebody’s garage about four houses down. He’d gotten in through an unlocked garage door. That house, by the way, was owned by a cop. My sister got to leave just after midnight, cranky but uncarjacked.

About forty minutes previous to that, though, comes what I thought was the most interesting part of the evening. Somebody knocked at the door, holding up a badge to my peephole. The police wanted to check my backyard. I gave the plainclothes detective my gate key, and he told me to lock my door until he came back to return the key. While my sister and I sat at the kitchen table and looked out my back patio door, we saw the following, all bunched together and at full alert just like in the movies:

First in line, the plainclothes detective with a pistol and my key.
2nd, a uniformed cop with a bullet-proof vest and a pistol.
3rd, a uniformed cop with a bullet-proof vest, a shotgun, and a police dog.
4th, a SWAT cop in full body armor with an M – 16.

Now, this struck me as odd. Even if the detective had a vest on under his jacket, why would he go first? And why would the most-protected, best-armed guy go last? I have no answer. As I said, it just struck me as . . . odd.

I can make up my own scenario to explain this deployment – something involving an inter-agency conspiracy and pet dander allergies – but I suppose they had a logical reason for it. Does anybody have their own close-calls-with-the-law stories? And what are your favorite cop shows of all time?

27 Comments »

It’s tough being a romance reader cause we don’t get no respect. Just last week a clerk at my local Barnes&Noble bookstore told me, “My colleagues laugh at me because I read romances.” And this from people who presumably love books!

It gets me riled to hear the most common snide remark: “Oh, you read those kinds of books.”

“What kinds of books?” I ask, gritting my teeth.

“Oh, you know. Those.”

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Some people think I should apologize for my reading tastes. Many look down their noses at me. But I don’t like looking up anyone’s nose, so I’ve tried to devise some snappy comebacks along with some serious ones. I smile sweetly and respond like this:

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“So you read those trashy romances.”
a) Yes… Nora Roberts, Jane Austen, Shakespeare… It’s my shameful little secret.<wink>
b) Yes, they suit me don’t you think? <flirtatious smile>
c) You bet I do. Jealous?
d) Yes, I and about 65 million other people.
e) What’s trashy about a man and a woman overcoming obstacles to find true love?

“So you read those bodice rippers.”
a) Actually, the physics and engineering involved in bodice ripping would be quite complex.
b) Ever try ripping a whalebone corset or padded underwire bra? I’d like to see how far you get.
c) Romance novels have evolved greatly in the past two decades. These days, real heroes would never be so uncouth as to rip a bodice. They would remove it with great expertise, employing the skills they’ve developed as splendid lovers.

“Those romance heroes are too perfect to be real.”
a) What’s wrong with perfect?
b) You show me a perfect man, I’ll show you an alien.
c) I’ve got a real man. I’m looking for a good fantasy.
And if your snide remark happens to come from a man…
d) Are you worried you can’t compete?

“Only uneducated housewives read those.”
a) When was the last time you met a housewife?
b) Have you checked the education level of housewives today?
c) Since romances are the best-selling books in America, that’s a lot of housewives.
d) Along with educated housewives, engineers, nurses, lawyers, teachers, firefighters….

“Romance readers are hard-up for sex.”
a) And you think that because…?
b) It gives us a goal to work toward.
c) Don’t you wish?
d) A lot of romance readers have very satisfying love lives because we know what “good” sex is.

“Those romance novels are all porn – only about sex.”
a) Oh? Are you a big expert on porn?
b) You have something against sex? What are you, a prude?
c) And they do amazing things for your sex life. You really don’t know what you’re missing.
c) No, they’re about love.

“Those romance novels are all alike.”
a) Really? So you’ve read a lot of them?
b) Yeah, they have a hero, heroine, romance, and a happy ending. Would you pick up a murder mystery and not expect to learn “who done it”?
c) You can say that about any kind of book you don’t happen to like. I understand that psychologically, it’s your way of trying to feel superior. <smiling sweetly again> But it doesn’t work on me.

“Why don’t you read real books?”
a) Funny, they look real to me.
b) Like Jane Eyre, Gone With the Wind, David Copperfield, Little Women…? You don’t consider those real books?

I’m too nice a person to say what I’m really thinking sometimes. But if I were Rosie O’Donnell, I could go the nasty route:
c) Have you ever even read a romance novel? Can you read, period?
d) Do you realize how badly your ignorance is showing?

And probably my favorite from one of my writer friends:
e) Warning: This book contains hope, love, and happiness. Not intended for those suffering in immature ignorance.

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Some remarks deserve total disdain, but I can’t help wanting to respond – to justify and defend my passion. Saying something at least makes me feel better.

I’m a romance reader and dang proud of it. A die-hard, unadulterated, unabashed, unapologetic fanatic. You’ll have to peel a romance novel from my cold, stiff fingers to lay me in my grave.

So get off my case. I am a RO-MANCE-READ-ER – so there! <sticking tongue out in juvenile fashion>

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I would love, however, to have some better retorts to use the next time some ignoramus questions my passion. So in the spirit of our recent joke-title contest and the great titles you goddesses came up with, how could I have replied to any of those comments? (stronger, wittier, snarkier, more suggestive) What’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to you about your romance habit? And what comeback did you respond with – or wish you’d responded with?

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Wow, y’all really went all out! 33 people entered a whopping 495 titles. This isn’t counting the two people who entered titles after the deadline. Sorry, ladies, a deadline’s a deadline (or so they keep telling me in New York), but if you want, I’ll include your titles in the master list I’m putting up on my site.

The main prize was chosen from among the 33 people. The name I drew was Kelly Ann. Congrats, Kelly Ann! E-mail me your info to get your prize of an autographed ARC of my book and an autographed copy of Karen’s book.

I also decided to give a prize of my own in two categories: Most Titles and My Personal Favorite. These two people win an autographed copy of one of my already published books, their choice. Just e-mail me your contact info, ladies, to get your prize.

In the category of Most Titles, the clear winner was Maggie Robinson with, gasp, 150 titles!!! Go, Maggie! Next time I need a title, I know who to call.

Personal Favorite was hard to pick. There were so many! Here were my top 18 in alphabetical order:

rumolay, Between a Rake and a Hard Place
Sara Lindsey, Earls Just Wanna Have Fun
ladydawgfan, Ease On Down the Rogue
Gannon, For Your Thighs Only
seton, Have My Rake and Eat it Too
Isabel, Here Comes The Pain Again
May, How Deep is your Lust?
Maggie Robinson, How the Breast Was Won
krissyinva, Kate does London
ladydawgfan, Moby Duke
Maggie Robinson, Phaeton Place
Maria Duncan, Ring My Bell
ashefrog, Romancing the Bone
Sara Lindsey, Ruts Like A Knight
Gannon, The Devil Went Down On Georgia
Isabel, The Viscount who shagged me.
ladydawgfan, To Sir With Lust
Brandy, Who’s Sari now?

But honestly, there were so many more I could have chosen, and choosing between these was hard. I finally settled on

Ease on Down the Rogue! ladydawgfan wins a book!

I like it because it’s suggestive, but subtle. But I swear, I had a hard time, and I would bet that any one author would choose another title.

Anyway, thanks, y’all, for giving us such a fun weekend with these! And I’ll let you know as soon as I have them all up on a page on my site.

22 Comments »

Six Reasons Why I’m Writing a Series Featuring Scotsmen.

1) I want this to be me.

2) I want one of these.

3) Or one of these: Sean Connery, Colin Firth, Ewan McGregor or Gerard Butler.

4) I’ve heard it said that a Scotman can really lift his pole. I’m from Missouri, the Show Me State.

Nuff said.

5) When I write, I like to include authentic details such as What DOES a Scotsman wear beneath his kilt? As a romance author and a writer-of-books-with-sexy-men-in-kilts, I am forced to Do Research.

Research, my dears. For YOU.

Don’t worry. You can thank me later.

6) Every goddess deserves the right to scratch her Scottish Itch once in a while, which is exactly what these hot new books featuring sexy Scotsmen will do!

There you go, my fellow goddesses! Six Reasons Why I’m Writing A Series Featuring Scotsmen. Can you blame me?

30 Comments »

Titles are the bane of every novelist�s existence. We have to have them, we�re generally not good at them (they�re SHORT, for Pete�s sake�we write novels), and we hate giving control of them up to the people who ARE good at them. Because the results can be underwhelming, to say the least.

Just to give an example�I once held a contest on my website to solicit titles for the first book of my Swanlea Spinster Series. Readers entered 150 titles. I added 50 of my own when I sent them to my editor. None of the 200 were chosen. Instead, the Powers-That-Be came up with THIS riveting title: A Dangerous Love.

I rest my case.

 

After years of doing the Title Tango, I finally found a way to keep it from making me nuts. I wrote up joke titles. I sent them along with the �real� titles I proposed for books. Next thing I knew, my agent and editor were getting into the act. Here are some of our joke titles for my last six books:

Big Earls Don’t Cry
Royally Screwed
Never Look a Gift Duke in the Mouth
Boinking a Baron
Rogering a Rogue
Never Diddle a Duke
To Heiress is Human
Bad Heiress Day
Heiress Today, Gone Tomorrow

Yes, they�re bad, and some are . . . er . . . suggestive. That�s the general idea. Here are some others suggested by readers and my fellow goddesses:

I Know It’s Blackmail, Dear, But I’m Desperate
Only Doing A Duke Will Do
Erecting a Dream
Two Balls for a Lady
The Duke’s In Dis Dress
Two Dukes And No-Longer-A-Lady

So now that you see how the game is played, here�s our contest:

Submit your joke title(s) in the comment section below. Everyone who submits a title will be entered into a drawing, from which one winner will be chosen. The prize? An autographed ARC of my upcoming book, Beware a Scot�s Revenge, and an autographed copy of Karen Hawkins� new book, How to Abduct a Highland Lord. Both are about Highlanders AND abductions! How cool is that?

The rules are:

No obscenities or profanity, although suggestive is always entertaining (and yes, we determine the difference�I sure hope I don�t come to regret this). No actual book titles from real books (no matter how unwise their titles). All entries must be posted by midnight, CST, on Sunday, February 25, 2007.

So good night and good luck!

74 Comments »

I’m not a weak woman.

I can change my own oil, climb on the roof to look for a leak, and have been known to call my mechanic a ‘dirty, rotten liar’ to his face.

I’ve faced angry drivers, outraged students, and tough-as-nails editors. I even lived in a house for two years that had a snake living under the porch.

I went through childbirth two times, had my wisdom teeth cut out, and hiked on a bloody heel for three days. (Not at the same time, of course, but STILL . . .)

I am no soft, can’t-do-it sort of woman . . . but there’s one thing that if I see it, I will screech like a little girl, lift my heels and run away faster than the speed of light.

Nemesis, thy name is spider.

In my book, HOW TO ABDUCT A HIGHLAND LORD (which hit the NYT list at #33!), my heroine, Fiona, is the way I want to be – tough, capable, and fearless. I always picture myself that way, too. But my strong sense of logic, my calm good sense and my fearless spirit go right out the window the second I see a spider.

In fact, I once caught my house on fire trying to kill a spider in a sort of ‘escalating warfare’ scenario. It was a huge wolf spider, the really ugly, tricky kind. It had slipped into my kitchen sink because (as we know) it wanted to jump on me and suck out all of my blood.

I won’t give you the entire blow-by-blow story, but let me state for the record that Tupperware smells INCREDIBLY bad when you catch it on fire. And no, firemen don’t really look like that in real life.

So tell me, am I alone? Do you guys have any Serious Fears? Spiders? Snakes? Dogs that bite? Dentists? Your Mother-In-Law? For who and what would you catch your house on fire in order to make sure they were REALLY dead?

55 Comments »